Venting, gossip, detraction

[angell1]

in which scenarios are these sins?

I relize i’ve come on here to talk about my mom a lot. but I don’t know if I’m sinning by doing so, I mean, you guys don’t know her, but it’s always about problems I’m having.

but I still specified that it was my mom and therefore am making her look like kind of bad, aren’t I?

I’m just really confused. I am seeking advice and prayers but I still have to talk about the issues.

when is something detraction and when is it not?

 

[pianistclare]

Well, is it all true?

Detraction would be if we all knew her and then shunned her for being awful to you. That her status in her community would be damaged, her professional reputation, her personal dignity.

Honestly, if a person could not speak freely to a counselor or a Spiritual Director, how would they make progress? Either the Director would say “you’re right” or “you’re wrong”.

Now, if you’re asking if you should divulge all this on the internet, well it’s a bit late for that. That’s why for eons people like myself have been advocating a Spiritual Director…and to see him regularly.

People near the situation can help. Internet friends mean well, but we can’t do a single thing to make anything better. That’s really only between you and mama.

 

[angell1]

Well, is it all true?

Detraction would be if we all knew her and then shunned her for being awful to you. That her status in her community would be damaged, her professional reputation, her personal dignity.

Honestly, if a person could not speak freely to a counselor or a Spiritual Director, how would they make progress? Either the Director would say “you’re right” or “you’re wrong”.

Now, if you’re asking if you should divulge all this on the internet, well it’s a bit late for that. That’s why for eons people like myself have been advocating a Spiritual Director…and to see him regularly.

People near the situation can help. Internet friends mean well, but we can’t do a single thing to make anything better. That’s really only between you and mama.

yes, it’s all true.

but the point is not to make her look bad, I just can’t cope with the situations sometimes

i do have a priest that i talk to, but there have been other things to discuss so far

and this is why i only divulged here. i don’t tell all my other friends that do know her. the only other person that sort of knows is one professor at school, but she also doesn’t relaly know my mom and isn’t the type to think badly of someone just based on what people say. even then, i am not sure if i should have done that

i only ever bring up things that other do if it’s a problem i need advice for. i know you guys can’t really do anything, but sometimes i don’t know if I’m doing something wrong as well. i.e. the whole accepting rides home thing. she think it’s disrespectful for me to do so, you guys dont’ seem to think so. but it’s a bit awkward to tell people that my mom doesn’t want people to know where i live, people think that’s really weird, which i guess it kind of is. so i just try not to get rides if i can avoid it, but some people really insist then i have to mention it, which i try to avoid doing because people sort of think she’s crazy then. or else just accept the ride and hope i don’t get asked about it later.

 

[pianistclare]

yes, it’s all true.

but the point is not to make her look bad, I just can’t cope with the situations sometimes

i do have a priest that i talk to, but there have been other things to discuss so far

and this is why i only divulged here. i don’t tell all my other friends that do know her. the only other person that sort of knows is one professor at school, but she also doesn’t relaly know my mom and isn’t the type to think badly of someone just based on what people say. even then, i am not sure if i should have done that

i only ever bring up things that other do if it’s a problem i need advice for. i know you guys can’t really do anything, but sometimes i don’t know if I’m doing something wrong as well. i.e. the whole accepting rides home thing. she think it’s disrespectful for me to do so, you guys dont’ seem to think so. but it’s a bit awkward to tell people that my mom doesn’t want people to know where i live, people think that’s really weird, which i guess it kind of is. soijust try not to get rides if i can avoid it, but some people really insist then i have to mention it, which i try to avoid doing because people sort of think she’s crazy then. or else just accept the ride and hope i don’t get asked about it later.

I get the impression that you think people have never encountered people like your mom. My mother wouldn’t ever let me have friends over, because she thought our house didn’t measure up. No matter how much I told her that my little friends didn’t care, that they just wanted to come over and play, or that their houses were sometimes worse than ours, she just didn’t buy it.

If you are telling the truth and you are not doing so with the intent of dishonoring her, but simply trying to figure out how to LIVE in harmony, then there’s no problem. Once again,…INTENT.
If you INTEND to discredit, you sin.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I think you are looking for advice and stating the facts. That’s ok. Detraction is when you have no reason at all to talk bad about someone but you do it anyways.

At least that is my take. You don’t even say anything negative actually. Just state the facts for the most part. And it’s because you want advice.

 

[angell1]

I get the impression that you think people have never encountered people like your mom. My mother wouldn’t ever let me have friends over, because she thought our house didn’t measure up. No matter how much I told her that my little friends didn’t care, that they just wanted to come over and play, or that their houses were sometimes worse than ours, she just didn’t buy it.

If you are telling the truth and you are not doing so with the intent of dishonoring her, but simply trying to figure out how to LIVE in harmony, then there’s no problem. Once again,…INTENT.
If you INTEND to discredit, you sin.

you’re right, I haven’t. for the most part, neither have most people I know.

until you mentioned your experience, I have been the only one with stuff like that

of course I didn’t intend to discredit her

 

[pianistclare]

you’re right, I haven’t. for the most part, neither have most people I know.

until you mentioned your experience, I have been the only one with stuff like that

of course I didn’t intend to discredit her

most people are not as open as you are. I never wanted to tell anyone why they couldn’t come over. I always had to make up some other reason. It was embarrassing, and made me kind of a loner in school. Maybe that’s why I’m so over-outgoing now.

 

[angell1]

most people are not as open as you are. I never wanted to tell anyone why they couldn’t come over. I always had to make up some other reason. It was embarrassing, and made me kind of a loner in school. Maybe that’s why I’m so over-outgoing now.

I used to do that too.

but then you get in to such a web of lies, you can’t remember what you told who

and it’s a sin to lie too, so why add to the list of ones I already have?

 

[pianistclare]

I used to do that too.

but then you get in to such a web of lies, you can’t remember what you told who

and it’s a sin to lie too, so why add to the list of ones I already have?

Oh man, A child tells fibs to survive. And also, said child goes to confession.

YOU don’t have to lie. Just say" my mom doesn’t like having people over, sorry.

 

[angell1]

Oh man, A child tells fibs to survive. And also, said child goes to confession.

YOU don’t have to lie. Just say" my mom doesn’t like having people over, sorry.

well, now, that’s what I do.

but it’s the “why not” part that made things awkward

this didn’t start happening until I was 12 though. it wasn’t always like this. circumstances forced the change

 

[LightBound]

well, now, that’s what I do.

but it’s the “why not” part that made things awkward

this didn’t start happening until I was 12 though. it wasn’t always like this. circumstances forced the change

Reaffirm and divert. If they ask “why not”, say “She just doesn’t. Do you know what time it is” or “Do you have any chewing gum?” or “Hey, I need to be somewhere. I’ll see you later” and then let it go. Hopefully most people will be able to take that social cue that it’s not something you’re going to discuss any further. (Please don’t worry if you tell them you need to be somewhere and you don’t have plans…you do need to be somewhere- away from their nosy questions")

 

[pianistclare]

well, now, that’s what I do.

but it’s the “why not” part that made things awkward

this didn’t start happening until I was 12 though. it wasn’t always like this. circumstances forced the change

You must have belligerent friends.
“Because that’s the way it is. I live in their house. I follow their rules. Your parents don’t have rules? Really?”
When people ask too many personal questions I just turn it around:
“why do you want to know?”
Could it be that people think you are somehow missing out on life, and they want to press you to the point of making your uncomfortable? If that’s the case, just walk away.
People can be really nosy. You don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to. That’s not rudeness, or lying. It’s self preservation. Just because people perceive handicapped people one way, doesn’t mean you can’t assert yourself. It’s none of their business.
Smile. Just say, “because she just doesn’t”. End of story. You barely understand your mom yourself sometimes. Don’t waste time trying to get strangers to try to understand.

 

[angell1]

You must have belligerent friends.
“Because that’s the way it is. I live in their house. I follow their rules. Your parents don’t have rules? Really?”
When people ask too many personal questions I just turn it around:
“why do you want to know?”
Could it be that people think you are somehow missing out on life, and they want to press you to the point of making your uncomfortable? If that’s the case, just walk away.
People can be really nosy. You don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to. That’s not rudeness, or lying. It’s self preservation. Just because people perceive handicapped people one way, doesn’t mean you can’t assert yourself. It’s none of their business.
Smile. Just say, “because she just doesn’t”. End of story. You barely understand your mom yourself sometimes. Don’t waste time trying to get strangers to try to understand.

I suppose.

but I personally don’t have a problem with accepting rides. sometimes at the end of the day, I’m just tired and if a nice old lady from church offers, sometimes I have just caved in.

but the aftermath of that would be very destructive

just to clarify, asking for advice on a situation isn’t considered detraction is it? provided it’s done either anonymously or with a trusted person?

I guess I’m still having reservations, you all think my mom is pretty crazy now. not that you know her, but still. it was mainly for me to cope, but I guess her reputation has gone down in the process.

I just really don’t know, don’t want ot beb committing mortal sin

 

[pianistclare]

I suppose.

but I personally don’t have a problem with accepting rides. sometimes at the end of the day, I’m just tired and if a nice old lady from church offers, sometimes I have just caved in.

but the aftermath of that would be very destructive

just to clarify, asking for advice on a situation isn’t considered detraction is it? provided it’s done either anonymously or with a trusted person?

I guess I’m still having reservations, you all think my mom is pretty crazy now. not that you know her, but still. it was mainly for me to cope, but I guess her reputation has gone down in the process.

I just really don’t know, don’t want ot beb committing mortal sin

OK. You’ve asked the same thing several times. It’s not a mortal sin in this case.
Don’t believe me? Ask your confessor.

 

[pianistclare]

Reaffirm and divert. If they ask “why not”, say “She just doesn’t. Do you know what time it is” or “Do you have any chewing gum?” or “Hey, I need to be somewhere. I’ll see you later” and then let it go. Hopefully most people will be able to take that social cue that it’s not something you’re going to discuss any further. (Please don’t worry if you tell them you need to be somewhere and you don’t have plans…you do need to be somewhere- away from their nosy questions")

:thumbsup: