Venting...

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I remember when I was younger, a lot of my peers would make fun of me for wanting to wait. Then a few years later, I found out that there ‘good times’ were not good at all and very painful. I now think it is jealously.

This is what I think was going on in these parents minds (but I still admire you for saying it is wrong to have premarital sex). When you say it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, these parents automatically feel their skills as a parent are bad. They are perhaps feeling like failures because they know their kids are doing it and they can’t stop it. They are too cowardly to lay down the line eg if you choose to live that lifestyle, get your own appartment. Or they are scared that if they show disapproval, their kids will flee the coop. It is easier for these parents to fool themselves into thinking there is nothing wrong with these kids. And when someone reminds them their children are leading destructive lifestyles, they react because they want to stay in denial

Just my opinion

CM

 

[Onedayatatime]

*I would just like to vent…

I love the group from a motivational standpoint…but having a hard time deciding if I should remain in it, after this. I don’t want to abandon a group because we think differently on issues, but it always seems that Christians are put in their place with these types of things…and if we defend ourselves, we are viewed as judgemental. I know myself. I wasn’t judging their views, but they were judging mine…and now, I can’t help but wonder if it will be awkward whenever we get together now. *

I think you know the answer. You are being called to live out your faith and God wants you to stand up. Just be prepared when the topic comes up again. Women are not sex objects, why I believe marriage and making love within marriage are sacred, why would we give the most sacred and personal life giving gift of love making to someone who was not our partner for life? you get my drift …

You should treat this as an opportunity to strengthen your faith as you are being asked to practice it amongst those that don’t get it. Thank God for it and your opportunity.

 

[Jay82]

And don’t think that maybe one person in the group listening didn’t think about it and someday you may be asked quietly while alone to talk more about your view. You planted a seed maybe. You’ll never know. Now your job is to show them that your way of doing things and your moral code produces a happy, healthy person.

With a happy healthy marriage.

Hang with them long enough and the cracks in their life and outlook may show. And you may become a valued friend because you have something different to offer. Real wisdom.

Yeah, Liberansamalo makes some valid points there. There could be a couple others who share your view that are afraid to speak up or even pretend to agree because they don’t want to feel alienated.

This is what I think was going on in these parents minds (but I still admire you for saying it is wrong to have premarital sex). When you say it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, these parents automatically feel their skills as a parent are bad. They are perhaps feeling like failures because they know their kids are doing it and they can’t stop it. They are too cowardly to lay down the line eg if you choose to live that lifestyle, get your own appartment. Or they are scared that if they show disapproval, their kids will flee the coop. It is easier for these parents to fool themselves into thinking there is nothing wrong with these kids. And when someone reminds them their children are leading destructive lifestyles, they react because they want to stay in denial

I agree…well said.

Some of them in the group are probably trying to rationalize it as best they can because they know they (and possible their kids) had pre-marital sex. I don’t think any parent wants there teen to have sex, but if it happens or continues to happen, some parents will try to rationalize it by saying ‘oh well all the kids are doing it’, ‘at least they use protection’, ‘it is impossible to get kids to wait’ , etc.

 

[cmscms]

Hey Jay,

Thanks for agreeing with me. As much as I realize others have their opinions, it is nice to have someone make me feel like I said somthing intelligent

CM

 

[Malena60]

*I would just like to vent…
I recently joined an athletic group…running mainly…and am getting to know everyone. We all started talking about kids having sex, and birth control, one day…and I was like the ONLY one who had any moral view at all. I don’t know if these people were afraid to discuss that, but they all thought it that sex ed is the sum total of the mechanics of it. I don’t know what to do now…I was called naive, and so on. I’m naive because I think kids can actually muster up the guts to say no to premarital sex???

I love the group from a motivational standpoint…but having a hard time deciding if I should remain in it, after this. I don’t want to abandon a group because we think differently on issues, but it always seems that Christians are put in their place with these types of things…and if we defend ourselves, we are viewed as judgemental. I know myself. I wasn’t judging their views, but they were judging mine…and now, I can’t help but wonder if it will be awkward whenever we get together now. *

We are called to be the light of the world in every situation we are. You are in that group for a reason. Stay there and keep being the light! Kuddos for standing for your beliefs I know is not easy!

 

[MercyMia]

Whatever girl…keep preaching it! Many parents today have given up, they have decided to surrender their kid’s values to the pagan gods of society. Either because they think they will lose if they go up against pop culture, MTV, and the school systems and something in them doesn’t want to lose their children, which they fear they will if they go up against these things. There are so many other “authorities” competing for children’s love these days, parents are afraid if they say “no” when the rest of society is saying “yes yes yes” - they will be the bad guy, and rejected by their own children. So instead, they convince themselves that these terrible institutions do in fact know what is better for their children than they do and chose the path of least resistance. I don’t think these parents are bad people, or that they are the enemy, but they are certainly casualties of the enemy and very lost. Lets pray for every parent, all families are caught up in a spiritual battle since Satan always attacks what is good. We were blessed with the writings of JPII…but not everyone has had the blessing to learn these things. Keep planting those seeds in their heart. Even if you don’t think you will find the words, God will give them to you.

 

[sharmin]

*kage, that’s a great idea…I just might. The thought crossed my mind.

I don’t know why this rattled me…perhaps, because I’m venturing out, trying to enjoy more of Florida…I’m going to enter a few 5k’s this year, and thought I could use the push from others. I was so saddened to hear their views.

flyingfish…it came up because one of the people in the group was talking about a case in another state, where a teacher is being sued for teaching sex ed in a very demonstrative way.

My stance was…’‘well kids shouldn’t be having sex…why is a teacher demonstrating the variable birth control forms out there?’’ And then they were off…and I was called naive…and on and on. I said…I’m naive for believing that kids can say no to sex? They’re not animals…they CAN say no…if you teach them how to…then, that went in to the whole say no to drugs thing…I mean…do these parents also buy their kids clean needles ‘‘just in case’’ their kids end up experimenting with drugs?

I will take your advice and see how things go…if I’m treated differently, ignored…I’m out. *

Children certainly CAN say no, but the fact is that moreoften than not, they don’t say no. Maybe that’s why they called you naive…maybe they thought you meant that kids shouldn’t have sex, so they won’t; therefore, they don’t need sex ed. I’m not saying that’s what you meant, but maybe that’s where the misunderstanding lies.

 

[sharmin]

See, this is so sad to me. Why don’t parents set their kids up for success? Why do so many automatically assume they will have sex? Do we do that in other areas of kid’s lives? Saying that they won’t graduate, will drink alcohol all the time etc? No? Well, then why do it for sex? We’re not setting them up to a high standard.

It’s not always the parents, though. My parents did all the “right” things…set the standard for no sex. Never offered to get me birth control, took me to church, confession, thoroughly explained WHY we didn’t have sex before marriage and assumed until the day I was married that I married as a virgin. Guess what? I had had multiple sex partners (4) before my wedding and did NOT use any protection. Stupid? Oh my gosh yes! Do I regret it? YES! I thank God all the time for protecting me when I was too stupid to do it myself. But, the fact is that even the GOOD teenagers have sex and to this day (I am almost 40 years old) my mother believes I wed as a virgin. How could I break her heart and tell her otherwise?

 

[sanctamaria17]

I hear you! I’m almost 21, still a virgin, and people wonder why, as if there’s something wrong with me. Guys will ask me if that would change, were we to start dating. Of course, the answer is no! And if they try, well, I have a couple other guy friends who refer to me as their little sister

The thing that really gets me is that they all want to go to developing countries and do work there. I have to remind them that sexual morality is a much bigger deal than in the U.S. Ladies, yes, you will have to be modest or no one will respect you and if you want to educate girls, you have to make yourself a woman they’d view as trustworthy. Guys, you have to be respectful of the women in those places, because the men won’t trust you if you’re going after their female relatives or their wives.

I never have a pregnancy scare though I know I don’t want a kid while I’m just barely feeding myself, I’m not going to have sex.

 

[joandarc2008]

WG- First of all I love you and agree with you.

Naive would be if you thought teenagers were all virgins. Realistic is raising your teenagers to be strong knowing they will face temptation and hoping that they will stand up to it.

I take much flack at work when live by my convictions. My dh and I are doing fundraising for our Parish through our martials arts school, etc. Just the other day the social worker at our clinic had a smart comment about priests and boys to make. I explained it to her from an apologetics standpoint.

Basically, I truly believe God sees this behavior and rewards us. My dh got a call at the school and the scholarship fund for children with single parents was paying a part of a student’s tuition at our dojo due to some of this. We didn’t ask for it, nor did we expect it. It happenned because someone thought that we could help someone because we have not been afraid to stand up for what we believe.

Keep up the good work.

 

[PaulinVA]

WG, with a 50% divorce rate, a lot of adults are, uhm, “unattached” at any given time.

They do not want to not have sex. So, they can’t tell their teens to abstain when they are not. Heck, I know teens that are totally freaked that their parent brings home dates for “sleepovers”.

The whole worldly culture is all interrelated and affects all parts of our life.

I think you should continue running with them so they can regularly see a real, normal person who is “naive”.

 

[The_Bucket]

Yeah I don’t get why people think they need to talk about their most intimate details all the time, and this aspect of parenting is certainly one of the most intimate. Then again, folks talk about their sex lives all the time in public and that’s not just wrong but it’s also rude and kind of creepy honestly. Why the heck would I want to know about all of that, unless it’s like a best friend and the discussion is about a marital problem. Then maybe, but I don’t want any details thanks and in return I won’t provide any of mine. You’re welcome.

Anyways, as far as this goes I think there’s been plenty of good advice given. Personally I wouldn’t broach the subject myself but if prompted I would certainly stick up for what I believe in and if somehow I was ridiculed as naive I’d gently point out that I was a regular college kid (not so much a teen since I wasn’t exactly popular) and while I was out having a few beers and attending a few parties like everyone else, even when I had too much to drink it was never a temptation. Actually, it was only a temptation once I got in a relationship with my now wife, but we both recognized that such expression of our love was best saved for our wedding night. Plus, honestly, sex creates a ridiculous amount of drama when it’s misused and I wanted no part of that. Many times when I was asked if I was a virgin (because I’d always be walking in to Sunday brunch in the college caf with my church clothes on) I’d say yeah and freely say it was because I am religious, but then also point out that I got to avoid all the insane drama and diseases that were rampant amongst some at my school. Inevitably I got the “but what about all the tension” questions and I’d laugh it off by pointing out that there was a reason I ran and lifted almost every day and trained in mixed martial arts a few days a week too!

So maybe it’s worth pointing out to these other parents that they’re kids can avoid sexual temptation by keeping them busy! Concede that many kids are doing itm which they are, but I think the nationwide stat is like 47% of high schoolers have, though number soars once you get to college, but most that have not are involved in many other activities even if they aren’t particularly religious. No, you can’t prevent kids from getting involved in sex just like you can’t totally prevent them from getting mixed up in drugs and everything else, but if you give them good outlets then all of that pent up energy can be useful. Try to move the conversation to that if it comes up again, and that way you can deliver a good message without sounding naive or too preachy. It’s annoying that you have to deflect a little like that, but it’s life.

 

[Em_in_FL]

In late on this thread… but just wanted to offer my prayers for you, WG…

You know, I’ve been there before… and you’d be surprised how easily you can have that exact same conversation with Catholics. Sadly, you and I and the rest of those who actually follow our faith are in the minority. For the longest time I just wanted to run away, so I completely sympathize with wanting to leave the group… especially if they continue to treat you differently. But try to stick it out. You may be there for a reason. Sometimes these conversations can weigh SO heavily on your heart… but you have to remember that the majority (not all) of these views are due to true ignorance and utter fear. These parents probably *think *they’re doing the right thing. They are scared and unprepared to deal with the reality in front of them, so they fall back on the easy answer.
Try to stick it out… try to be that “little voice in the back of their heads” that gives them an alternative… not a screaming, blabbering, scripture-quoting, judgmental voice… but a quiet, loving whisper… an alternative, not a condemnation.

I DO sympathize… (((HUGS)))… and GOOD FOR YOU on joining the running group… I need to get my lazy butt back into shape!

 

[Maeglin]

WG- First of all I love you and agree with you.
Naive would be if you thought teenagers were all virgins. Realistic is raising your teenagers to be strong knowing they will face temptation and hoping that they will stand up to it.

This is a very good point! I think you should pray for the virtue of fortitude, Whatevergirl, if you decide to return to this group. You are too good of a Christian witness to limit your wisdom to this board. Prayers for you.

 

[The_Bucket]

Oh, and I’m never the guy to say “maybe it’s God’s will you’re in X position or in X place or with X people” because I don’t know God’s will and frankly I feel a little silly when saying it. But you never know; the other day after celebrating Easter with my wife and two little ones, my grandmother said “I hope you guys never move” because we had such a good time.

My grandmother is a secular Jew and agnostic by faith and would never have considered even humoring my family when I was a kid by dying Easter eggs or having a lamb dinner on Holy Saturday. But last weekend she did just that with my wife, kids and my aunt (her daughter) and uncle who are also secular Jews. She’s also repeatedly used the term “miracle” to describe my son who is a happy and healthy two year old despite being born 3.5 months early and spending more than four months in the hospital because of the prematurity. So… you really do never know I guess!

 

[PatriceA]

I think it comes down to a lot of parents don’t really “know” their kids, they don’t ask the hard questions, they don’t have serious conversations, they just don’t know how to talk to their children. I’m not even sure some of them want to know their children. So they put them on birth control and see that as protecting them. If someone comes along and questions why a teenager is having sex, they are called “naive”. It makes them uncomfortable as parents because they know deep down there is more that they could be doing. We need to give our children all the tools they need to combat temptation, but we don’t do it, we leave it up to the schools to educate them. By “we” I mean society as a whole, not any particular person here.

I personally would have a hard time staying with the running group IF I was constantly being used as the example of morality. It would be different if it was a debate club or something of that nature and I wasn’t anticipating I was going to be blindsided at any moment. And especially if my views were not given the same merit as other members of the group.

 

[whatevergirl]

Just wanted to thank each one of you for contributing here…really, you guys are awesome. I’m feeling better today about things…I will have to let you know how it goes…thanks again! :grouphug:

 

[ack]

The thing that really gets me is that they all want to go to developing countries and do work there. I have to remind them that sexual morality is a much bigger deal than in the U.S. Ladies, yes, you will have to be modest or no one will respect you and if you want to educate girls, you have to make yourself a woman they’d view as trustworthy. Guys, you have to be respectful of the women in those places, because the men won’t trust you if you’re going after their female relatives or their wives.

This is a VERY good observation, and something that has also bothered me. Young adults who want to work or travel in developing countries constantly affirm their commitment to “cultural sensitivity”, yet, these same people show total disdain for the sexual mores in those countries. Although I am well aware that many developing countries have huge problems with cohabitation and immoral sexual behavior (sometimes worse than in the US), disrespecting the societal standards will bring the worst aspects of both cultures into your life.

Universities are always promoting cultural diversity, but when are they going to start accepting the sexual attitude of other cultures (including attitudes towards homosexual behavior)?