Verbal abuse of children in public

[kptrs]

So, DH and I took DS2 to the pediatrician the other day, and were waiting in the waiting room. Sitting next to us were a mother and her daughter (I’d say the daughter was five years old or so). The mother stared at her phone almost the entire time. Anytime the daughter said anything (asked to go to the bathroom, asked a simple question, etc.) the mother snapped at her and occasionally cursed. “You ping me off." "You already went to the d bathroom!” And then just went back to her phone. There was a little table of toys there for the kids. The girl got up to play with them. The mom ordered her to sit down. The girl obeyed but tried to get up to play again and the mother kept ordering her to sit down. The mother got on the phone and was telling someone, “This girl needs tested for ADHD because she can’t sit down.” The girl tried to say something and her mother snapped, “Nobody is talking to you.” And then added, “You look like a d**** fool.” The girl said, “You’re always being mean to me.” The mother just scoffed.

I felt sick to my stomach watching this. Is something such as this reportable, even if the reporter is not in a position of authority? I really wanted to do something to help this poor girl, and I feel bad that I didn’t. But I really didn’t know what to do. Thoughts?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I hate witnessing things like that, and feel helpless to intervene because I don’t know when intervention would escalate the scenario. People who can’t control themselves in public like that rarely say, “thank you complete stranger for pointing out my poor choices, I’ll try to do better.”

Maybe mention to the doctor? I hope the staff noticed and let the doctor know. They would know how to better deal with it. I understand being verbally abusive isn’t grounds for prosecution, but might cause the doctor to keep an eye out for physical abuse.

 

[AdamP88]

Not much you can do really, unless you witness physical abuse. In fairness though, you only witnessed a few moments of these people’s interactions. You can’t really say whether this person is always like this. Maybe she’s having a bad day. God knows what’s going on in her life. No excuse, I know, but it’s hardly grounds to contact social services.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Talk to the doctor…at least you will feel better. And pray.

 

[angell1]

Not much you can do really, unless you witness physical abuse. In fairness though, you only witnessed a few moments of these people’s interactions. You can’t really say whether this person is always like this. Maybe she’s having a bad day. God knows what’s going on in her life. No excuse, I know, but it’s hardly grounds to contact social services.

generally, yes, they are always like that. if they can do it in public

and even if they weren’t, a mature responsible adult shouldn’t be taking out whatever bad day they’re having on their 5-year-old

I know that’s not really what you meant though and I agree that there’s not much that can be done unfortunately. verbal/emotional abuse just isn’t taken as seriously as physical abuse, probably because it’s harder to prove.

 

[MaryT777]

Not much you can do really, unless you witness physical abuse. In fairness though, you only witnessed a few moments of these people’s interactions. You can’t really say whether this person is always like this. Maybe she’s having a bad day. God knows what’s going on in her life. No excuse, I know, but it’s hardly grounds to contact social services.

I agree with this.

 

[Allegra]

The only think I think you could have done is say something to the doctor or his staff. What your describing does sound extreme, but then again, you don’t know what happened immediately prior to this. The mom could have had the daughter in “time out” for doing something really horrible before you came in and the daughter was continuing to get up from her seat and come up with excuses to talk/argue. I’m not saying that the mother’s language was appropriate, but it’s probably not going to help the situation if a stranger buts in and say, “How can you be so mean to this precious little girl?” I think you’re right that she wouldn’t respond well to that. If this was the tail end of a power struggle, undermining her (admittedly shoddy) parenting is only going to encourage more disobedience from the child and then more verbal abuse from the parent. If this is the mother’s “nice side” that she saves for public places, your interference could escalate her into physical abuse as soon as she leaves the room. It sounds like the first situation is the more likely of the two. Saying something to the doctor’s staff is probably the best thing you can do.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Not much you can do really, unless you witness physical abuse. In fairness though, you only witnessed a few moments of these people’s interactions. You can’t really say whether this person is always like this. Maybe she’s having a bad day. God knows what’s going on in her life. No excuse, I know, but it’s hardly grounds to contact social services.

This.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

So, DH and I took DS2 to the pediatrician the other day, and were waiting in the waiting room. Sitting next to us were a mother and her daughter (I’d say the daughter was five years old or so). The mother stared at her phone almost the entire time. Anytime the daughter said anything (asked to go to the bathroom, asked a simple question, etc.) the mother snapped at her and occasionally cursed. “You ping me off." "You already went to the d bathroom!” And then just went back to her phone. There was a little table of toys there for the kids. The girl got up to play with them. The mom ordered her to sit down. The girl obeyed but tried to get up to play again and the mother kept ordering her to sit down. The mother got on the phone and was telling someone, “This girl needs tested for ADHD because she can’t sit down.” The girl tried to say something and her mother snapped, “Nobody is talking to you.” And then added, “You look like a d**** fool.” The girl said, “You’re always being mean to me.” The mother just scoffed.

I felt sick to my stomach watching this. Is something such as this reportable, even if the reporter is not in a position of authority? I really wanted to do something to help this poor girl, and I feel bad that I didn’t. But I really didn’t know what to do. Thoughts?

I see things like this happening all the time, and I hate it. How will that little girl grow up? What kind of a mother is her own mother forming her to be? She sounded downright cruel. And staring at her phone the whole time. That would be about right. Pretty much all I see anymore either.

 

[Norseman82]

If you have a cell phone, you could record a video record of it.

 

[Allegra]

If you have a cell phone, you could record a video record of it.

Uh. In a doctor’s office? I don’t know about that. State laws vary, but I think many of them have laws against secretly recording people in places expected to be private. I’d be careful before taking that advice.

 

[victrolatim]

Having worked in retail for a decade I had to witness many cases such as this. Yelling inappropriate language at children, hitting children, I remember a middle eastern man who slapped his wife across the face in the store. Once a lady placed her shopping cart in my department in the rear of the store with her sleeping child (maybe 2 or 3 years old) in the basket and proceeded to talk on her cellular phone while walking to the opposite end of the store for 45 minutes to look at clothing. In every case I made it a point to alert security or a member of management. In your case I would have alerted a staff member to the situation. Hopefully they can do the right thing and at least your conscience will be clear.

 

[Viki63]

I would consider saying something like, “It’s important to be kind to children. You don’t want her to think she’s bad for just wanting to play.”

The mother would doubtless give a snarky answer back, but that’s bearable.
And public pressure might make her think twice.

Once I was in a bad mood and said something inappropriate and angry to my small daughter, and a passing woman spoke to me about it. She brought me up short. I changed my behavior immediately, and am grateful to her, although she’ll never know it.

.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

I know it sounds insensitive, but if that is all the child ever endures, she will be fortunate indeed. I don’t know why her mother was this way and I wouldn’t venture a guess. Many children get yelled at, beaten, ignored, neglected, and I know that in the past, nobody ever did anything about it. Sometimes reporting it helps, but sometimes it does not. The people you report it to may just shrug it off and say they are aware of it or whatever.

I think kids get used to it when their mother is snotty and mean. They build up defenses and learn how to cope. Of course, they also suffer and always feel guilty about something they did to provoke it, but of course, they did not do anything to deserve it. But when they become teens, they will defend themselves, I am sure. The mother will wish she could go to the moon to get away from her kids, who are giving back to her what she used to give them.

 

[heidi_storage]

I know it sounds insensitive, but if that is all the child ever endures, she will be fortunate indeed. I don’t know why her mother was this way and I wouldn’t venture a guess. Many children get yelled at, beaten, ignored, neglected, and I know that in the past, nobody ever did anything about it. Sometimes reporting it helps, but sometimes it does not. The people you report it to may just shrug it off and say they are aware of it or whatever.

I think kids get used to it when their mother is snotty and mean. They build up defenses and learn how to cope. Of course, they also suffer and always feel guilty about something they did to provoke it, but of course, they did not do anything to deserve it. But when they become teens, they will defend themselves, I am sure. The mother will wish she could go to the moon to get away from her kids, who are giving back to her what she used to give them.

What you’re describing makes for wounded, dysfunctional people who have a hard time beginning and continuing healthy relationships. It is an injury to children to raise them this way. However, I agree with the other posters that it’s very difficult to know what to do; this could be an aberration, and we don’t know what’s going on in the mother’s life or what her daughter had been doing. I probably wouldn’t have said anything, then felt bad, just like the OP. Maybe I would have tried to engage the mother in sympathetic conversation and then said something positive about the little girl, but maybe not.

Talking to the staff is a good idea, because the doctor may be in a position to suggest more positive ways of parenting. Filming the encounter–no, not wise. It isn’t going to help the little girl, or to make the mother realize her errors.

 

[SuperHappy]

This post hurts my heart for the little girl.

I don’t know what prompted this mom to act in such a terrible manner to her daughter but she needs to be corrected. I would not have said anything myself directly because if she was cursing and refusing to allow the daughter to use the restroom then I would be afraid she may become physical with the child. I would obviously report it to the doctor or staff because they are prepared to deal with children and their parents on all levels.

I don’t care what kind of bad day someone is having, it is not fair or right to take that out on a child.

I see way too many parents paying all of their attention to their own drama, their phones, their social media and ignoring or berating their children. It’s like they are being controlled or motivated by their devices or social media and forgetting what is truly important in life. Children are only small once and once that time is gone, it cannot be retrieved.

 

[kptrs]

Thank you everyone for your insights. I know I certainly am not a model parent by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve lost my temper, gotten angry, and then felt terrible about it later. There’s no parent who hasn’t overreacted and treated their child unfairly at one point or another. However, what got to me about this lady was the swearing and the insults. If something like this happens again, I’ll consider mentioning it to the doctor. Thank you.