Verbal abuse?

[kittery]

I am so confused right now. My husband and I got into an argument tonight and he said to me that I have been a b**** all weekend long. He went on to say that all I do is sit on my butt all day and watch 4 kids and sarcastically says, “like that’s so hard”! He said that he actually has to go to work and WORK all day and that I am never grateful for that. I wanted to pour the glass of water sitting in front of him right over his head, but I refrained.

He proceeded to call me the B word several more times during the argument. He called me this once when we were in our first year or two of marriage. I told him that that is not going to be tolerated by me. So why do men sometimes choose such an icky, derogatory term to call their Christian wife? And is this considered verbal abuse? I guess I want to know because I feel like I’m making a bigger deal out of it than maybe it is, but I feel trashy when he does this to me.

~Kittery

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’ m sorry about your fight and that your DH called you the B word. That should not have happened.

Was it during an argument?

Or was it him being in a bad mood and yelling at you?

Is he like this often?

Ideally, we should never call our spouses anything but good things

Are your children young? I know some days, I feel like I’ve done so much with taking care of the children, but nothing looks different, the house might even look worse…but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy.

.Again, I’m sorry about the situation.

 

[kittery]

It was during an argument. He took today off in order to have a 3 day weekend, and we had planned to go to his brother’s house for the weekend. I got sick Friday night and was in bed all day Saturday and was still not feeling good yesterday, but we took the kids to their grandparents house so they could play with their cousins for the day. Then today, I commented that “the house was trashed”, and the entire day unraveled from there. I mean, I had been sick and in bed all day Saturday, but he had just let the kids run wild. I made the comment because in that moment, I felt so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work there was in order to just fix a meal.

 

[Miserys_Fence]

Typical male.

My hubby was the same way. Sure, it’s “easy” to watch the kids if you do it his way–watch TV, drink beer, and let the kids run crazy. If he actually tried to cook and clean and do the laundry while he was watching the kids, he’d have been singing a different tune.

Of course, he’d be singing it from his hospital bed if he called me a b*****.

Miz

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Gosh, I’m sorry. He shouldn’t pick on you if you’re sick.

Can you (and DH) speak to a priest about this, he will probably give you much better guidance than what we could give you.

I will pray for you.

 

[Rence]

I am so confused right now. My husband and I got into an argument tonight and he said to me that I have been a b**** all weekend long. He went on to say that all I do is sit on my butt all day and watch 4 kids and sarcastically says, “like that’s so hard”! He said that he actually has to go to work and WORK all day and that I am never grateful for that. I wanted to pour the glass of water sitting in front of him right over his head, but I refrained.

My advice to you (which you can take or leave) is to go on a three-day vacation and leave him with the responsibility of the children and the house and see how well he does your “pretend” job. Find some way to make it happen because he can’t understand unless he knows what you do in a day.

He proceeded to call me the B word several more times during the argument. He called me this once when we were in our first year or two of marriage. I told him that that is not going to be tolerated by me. So why do men sometimes choose such an icky, derogatory term to call their Christian wife? And is this considered verbal abuse? I guess I want to know because I feel like I’m making a bigger deal out of it than maybe it is, but I feel trashy when he does this to me.
~Kittery

I would consider it verbal abuse. Tell him not to do it again, and if he does, go to your family priest and ask him to talk to him. Ask him how he would like it if his father called his mother a b****. Ask him if he thinks Joseph ever called Mary a b****.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

My advice to you (which you can take or leave) is to go on a three-day vacation and leave him with the responsibility of the children and the house and see how well he does your “pretend” job. Find some way to make it happen because he can’t understand unless he knows what you do in a day.

I would consider it verbal abuse. Tell him not to do it again, and if he does, go to your family priest and ask him to talk to him. Ask him how he would like it if his father called his mother a b****. Ask him if he thinks Joseph ever called Mary a b****.

I agree with the St. Joseph–Our Lady analogy.

But, if he were truly abusive, I’d be afraid to leave the kids with him for the weekend, KWIM…(If he were truly an abusive man)

 

[creationlover]

He proceeded to call me the B word several more times during the argument. He called me this once when we were in our first year or two of marriage. I told him that that is not going to be tolerated by me. So why do men sometimes choose such an icky, derogatory term to call their Christian wife? And is this considered verbal abuse? I guess I want to know because I feel like I’m making a bigger deal out of it than maybe it is, but I feel trashy when he does this to me.

~Kittery

Is your husband a serious Christian? Is he involved with a strong parish men’s group? Leaving him with the kids for a weekend may or may not help, depending on his mindset. It sounds to me like he really doesn’t understand what Catholic manhood is really about (not that I’m some knight in shining armor…).

 

[JohnDamian]

What your husband did was verbally abusive; you should instruct him to be a man and stop behaving like a child.

If he believes that looking after four children and doing housework etc. is easy; then take a short vacation and see how he handles it. In the same way as a picture says a thousand words; and experience says a million - get him to honestly experience what you do and he will gain newfound respect for you and what you do. Then both of you can forgive eachother and move on positively with greater understandings of one another.

 

[Apollos]

He went on to say that all I do is sit on my butt all day and watch 4 kids and sarcastically says, “like that’s so hard”!

Call his bluff. Have him watch the kids and sit on his butt all day on his next day off.

 

[smallcat]

I think the answer to your question depends a lot on the context. How does he behave to you the other 99% of the time? Is he generally a decent, loving man who supports you in your vocation of motherhood? Or does he often belittle you and what you do (even if he doesn’t use bad language)? Is he usually respectful of you, your dignity, and your marriage? Or has there been a pattern of disrespect in other areas? I wouldn’t make too much out of one incident, but if it’s part of something larger, I would consider seeking help (Catholic counseling, Retrouvaille) before things spiral out of control.

 

[Corinne3]

YES, Kittery, it IS verbal abuse as well as emotional abuse as well. I doubt your husband is a Christian, as any decent Christian/Catholic man would NEVER call his wife this ever. No matter how mad he got!

This is sad.

My h is the same way, only worse, sadly.

In my case, just to give you some advice from my perspective, I have been married over 20 years. I have found it is not worth it to argue. If you feel like arguing, spewing out things, LEAVE the house for a while. Go out to a movie, go for a walk, avoid this. If you are becoming difficult and instigating this anger out of your husband which I admit I do often, I should be ashamed of myself, having no self-control. My husband has never called me a B if I didn’t stir it up to begin with.

So, take my advice, when and if you feel really furious, rather than lettting it escalate to this, leave for a while, go have your nails done, or just go somewhere to cool off.

This, I have learned after 20 years, and things would have been much better had I followed this early on in our marriage.

God Bless!

 

[gmarie21]

I wouldn’t call it abuse based on the fact that the only other time was the first year of marriage and you now have 4 kids. My guess is that because you weren’t feeling well, they way you commented about the house did not come across in a very warm manner either, which he took as a personal insult to his parenting and thus insulted you in return, etc. See how the cycle escalates? We all say or do things that we should follow with the following words “I just opened mouth and inserted foot”. I do not know the tones of either of your statements but my guess is that both of your were in the wrong. I do not know how clean you prefer your house, but since you WERE able to rest, my guess is that your husband didn’t just sit on his butt the whole weekend and let your kids run wild. He may not have done things the way you prefer, but again, you were able to rest. It was a fight that got heated because you both were looking at the other instead of appreciating the other (instead of thanking husband for stepping up and allowing you to rest, you complained about the house being messy and instead of him thanking you for all you do and acknowledging how hard you work, he insulted you with a nasty term). Remember, you two are a team and any unkind word affects the both of you. You both should apologize to each other since you both showed a lack of appreciation. And I don’t know what your family financial situation is, but I’m sure his stress level isn’t the best right now either when it comes to providing for his family. You both really need to say “thank you” more often for all you do for one another and your children.

 

[Samson01]

It is abuse, but is it an abusive relationship.? Once is too many times, but forgivable. Talk about this with him. Keep communications open. I’m in a tough spot now because of things like this and find myself stuck with someone who is abusive. When communication breaks down, it is time to either find a referee, via counseling or expect things to get worse.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Even if the OP did complain that the house was trashed, Her DH did not need to call her the B word. I don’t see them as being equal in behavior. He needs to never call her that word anymore.

Why can’t the scenario be:

Wife: Oh goodness, the house looks awful, (I still feel sick, tired and I have to clean this up and make a meal as well)

Husband…(Oh, wife must not feel very well, that’s why she’s complaining…) Oh honey, I had a hard time with the kids. I’ll help you. Here I’ll do this part while you do that part.

We wouldn’t tolerate our friends calling us bad words. We are understanding of our friends when they are upset…but husbands and wives can’t do that.

OP, was he also mad about the plans being changed about going to his brother’s…maybe he could have gone with the kids?

 

[gmarie21]

One other question, did he call you a b or did he say you were acting like a b? There is a big difference in the two.

 

[Orogeny]

Even if the OP did complain that the house was trashed, Her DH did not need to call her the B word. I don’t see them as being equal in behavior. He needs to never call her that word anymore.

Absolutely agreed, but remember we are hearing one side of the story. I’m not suggesting anything other than let’s not get too firm in our opinions as to what happened since we weren’t there and the other party that was there hasn’t given his side of the story.

HOWEVER, I have never, in 25 years of marriage, ever even considered calling my wife that. If he did call her that, shame on him. Lots of making up is owed.

Peace

Tim

 

[gmarie21]

Absolutely agreed, but remember we are hearing one side of the story. I’m not suggesting anything other than let’s not get too firm in our opinions as to what happened since we weren’t there and the other party that was there hasn’t given his side of the story.

HOWEVER, I have never, in 25 years of marriage, ever even considered calling my wife that. If he did call her that, shame on him. Lots of making up is owed.

Peace

Tim

Agreed. I will shamefully admit that I have said to my husband “You’re acting like a jerk” but I don’t speak profanely. I grew up with some family who use profane words all the time (even in front of children) so that is also a factor, are these types of words commonly used in their family/household in general? I’m a firm believer in talking about actions. That’s why I asked did he call her a “b” or did he say she’s acting like a “b”? I react much better when my husband says I’m trying to “control” again than when he says I’m “controlling”. It really makes a difference, imo, on how something is phrased.

 

[horselvr]

It just sound like maybe you both had a moment of being overwhelmed.

Why does he feel that you are not appreciative of him and his work efforts? Sometimes a thank you and a little touch goes a very long way and that’s for both of you.

Chasing after 4 kids can’t be an easy task either—I think I would have to throw myself down in a recliner and pop a beer. Are all 4 kids home all day long? That could be tough.

Of course with this economy especially it must be equally as tough in a one income family where you just don’t know if you will have a job from one day to the next with so many lay offs and knowing that you have a wife and 4 kids depending on you.

I would think by now he has had time to mull all this over as you have and that maybe an apology is in order on both sides.

Maybe you should both just have a loving discussion about this and feeling’s of being overwhelmed for that moment. Otherwise this could escalate if left unchecked.

 

[gardenswithkids]

It was during an argument. He took today off in order to have a 3 day weekend, and we had planned to go to his brother’s house for the weekend. I got sick Friday night and was in bed all day Saturday and was still not feeling good yesterday, but we took the kids to their grandparents house so they could play with their cousins for the day. Then today, I commented that “the house was trashed”, and the entire day unraveled from there. I mean, I had been sick and in bed all day Saturday, but he had just let the kids run wild. I made the comment because in that moment, I felt so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work there was in order to just fix a meal.

Reversing the question: did you verbal abuse him? If he resorted to calling you a bad name, it may have been his feeble attempt to defend himself from your verbal attack.

He took a vacation day off from work and planned to visit his brother. You got sick.
Instead of spending his day off as he had planned, he heard about how the house was “trashed” and possible some criticism about his looser parenting style too.

Doesn’t he also works hard the rest of the week to provide an income for you and your family, just as you work hard caring for your home and your children? He gave up what he wanted to do on his day off because you were sick, and then you complain that he let the kids run wild and trash the house. That wasn’t very nice of you.

You say you made that comment because you were overwhelmed by the sheer amout of work it took to prepare a meal. He probably made that very inappropriate comment he did because he was also overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work he does and did that day.

People get sick, tired and crabby, and they may say inappropriate stuff. He was wrong to call you a bad name. You were wrong to criticize him. Sounds to me like you threw the first verbal insult.

Hindsight: Why the whole family stayed home from the visit with his brother on account of your illness, I don’t know. The day might have turned out much better if he’d just taken the kids and gone to his brother’s without you. Then you could have recovered alone in the house, while he took care of the kids away from you.

In any case, it sounds like you both had a rough weekend. I hope you’re feeling better now. And I suggest that you both take a trip to the Sacrament of Confession next weekend (or sooner).