Very complicated issue

[nancymarie]

I’ve posted here about my problem before, but not for quite a while.

After a long childless marriage (which was abusive on my husbands’s part) and years and years of sexlessness, I decided to separate from my husband about two years ago. We remain separated but not planning divorce yet. My husband also has MS and I continue to take care of him as much as possible, though he is still capable of living alone.

I’ve gone into intensive therapy because of my grief, remorse and regret for the many mistakes my husband amd I have made. The piece I cannot make sense of is the sexless marriage part. Based on what I have told her, my therapist believe my husband could be a closeted homosexual. She has advised me to ask him about this as the sexless part was something my husband would never address. He was always happy living without any intimacy at all. I’m afraid I must also share blame for remaining in this kind of marriage, but I never wanted to be divorced, despite the bad treatment I was getting. I have many many emotioal problems after living in such a marriage, including PTSD.

I’m not sure how my husband will respond to the question. He has always denied anything is wrong with him, but we all know it’s not normal for a man to be happy without sex for decades. What if he is gay? We have such a long history together and he is ill.

Would it be wrong for me to return to this kind of marriage? Is this what God would want? Should I go back and take care of him, martyring my chances for any kind of normal life? I’m not young, but not old either. I could still have life with a normal man I suppose. But my husband is only going to get more ill, eventually needing fulltime care. There is a part of me that still cares and loves him.

I am brokenhearted over all of this.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

I have zero answers/advice for you here, my sister, but you have prayers, my ear, and my support.

:hug1:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wow. I don’t know what the problem was with your husband, but I cannot imagine that such a thing would be in any way normal. So something was going on, psychologically, physically, maybe both. Maybe he is a same sex attracted person who wanted the benefits of marriage and knew he could never live out his sexual attraction to males. I guess it’s good that at least he never cheated on you with a man!



In terms of “what if he is gay,” you could divorce and get an annulment based on that. It shouldn’t be a long drawn out process if he does admit to having SSA. But I don’t think you should martyr your entire life to him. If he has been gay and hasn’t told you, he has already been selfish and done you great harm by not being honest.

I wish you all the best in your therapy, and I will add you to my prayers.

 

[dailey]

You sound like such a good person. Most people would be angry and bitter if they were in your situation…but you show such compassion for your husband, regardless of his behavior. What a wonderful quality to have! :hug1: I will pray for you (and your husband) and hopefully you will find some peace and happiness in your life.