Very confused about my feelings for my girlfriend. Serious advice needed

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pascal_l7

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Hello,
So I’ve had a girlfriend for 9 months now. Our relationship started out very slowly, only seeing each other once every 3 weeks or so for the first 2 months until agreeing to be exclusive. Pretty normal after that. I’m kind of torn on how I feel about her and I know that if I break it off with her I will be devastating based on how much I believe she loves me.

I’ll start with the pros of the relationship:
She is very beautiful, totally trustworthy, and loyal. I never worry about her when she’s out with her friends. We were both raised similarly by our parents. She accepts me for who I am. My parents LOVE her. She makes the effort to make the relationship work, always meeting me halfway. Whenever we’ve had a disagreement and I’ve asked her to meet one of my needs, she has come through. We are able to chill and watch a movie and SPORTS. She likes to hike explore new cities/sights.

Cons:
The sex is kind of boring. Our sexual chemistry is somewhat bland. I have never had that “lose yourself” feeling when we’ve kissed or made love, not yet at least. I tend to daydream while we kiss. And sometimes I have difficulty reaching orgasm because of the mediocre connection I feel. Our conversations are not the most stimulating. We don’t get very deep into topics, and I find myself to be a relatively deep person. Politics, current events, religion, history, etc., she doesn’t engage in these topics as she has little interest whereas I do. Discussions about our childhood don’t last very long because she says she barely remembers much from childhood. Her typical day is to work a 12+ hour shift, come home and either work out, hang out with me, or go to bed. We only get a couple of hours to spend together on work nights because of her 12 hour shift(nurse). Also, I am an artist and have tried to share my artwork with her. At first she just didn’t seem very interested at all. I was hurt by this, and later did tell her. She has since made an effort to take more of an interest but I still feel she doesn’t care as she just isn’t that into art in general. I do appreciate her effort though.

In summary, I lack the enthusiasm I would wish for in a relationship. There was a period where I was much more in love with her. Maybe that honeymoon phase is just over. I’m not really sure what to do here. I’m a devout Catholic and pray about it every day. I feel I’ve received signs saying to stay with her. I believe is the voice of God could be telling me to stay in the relationship but I find myself fighting with that voice and sometimes thinking that I’m just being silly and that I should just end the relationship. We are both 36. She and I are both looking for someone to marry at this point in our lives so I don’t want to make a big decision without really thinking this through.

Am I expecting too much from her or a relationship in general? Do I need to appreciate what I have here and quit complaining, or are my concerns legit? Thanks in advance for the help!
 
pascal_l7, if you are not happy with someone, then it won’t make either of you happy if you just hang in there because you have lost feelings for her, and don’t feel you have enough in common. It won’t make for an happy marriage if you have nothing in common, so why wait. It will only get harder and lonelier.
It’s okay to have some different interests, but a couple does need some in common.

You do know that as an unmarried Christian or Catholic you shouldn’t be having sex before marriage, it’s called fornication when an unmarried couple have sex together, and that is sinful. If something feels wrong, that’s partly it, but it’s also probably incompatibility.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, sins against the Sixth Commandment
vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm

“2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.”
Fornication is a matter that Catholics need to take to Confession

However, don’t be fooled by society or media that sex will always be fantastic and won’t sometimes by less thrilling. Life is both highs and lows, even sex.

By the sound of it, you already know you don’t want to spend a lifetime with this girl though you admire certain qualities. As you know this, it would be unkind to yourself and the girl to keep her hanging. If you need to break it off, waiting sometimes only makes things worse.

Have you talked with your girlfriend about your concerns?
Perhaps she might be willing to learn more about those matters that interest you, and develop an interest in them herself.

God guide you.
All the best with your art!
 
Thank you for your response aussie_Trish. I have talked to her about my concerns and she has made an effort. But I can tell she’s just not that interested in my art or art in general. She makes an effort for me, because she loves me and I so appreciate that. I just wish she was into it s bit more as well as interested in other topics to talk about.
 
Obviously, this is not The One for you. Time to break up and look for someone else.
 
pascal_l7 said:
Thank you for your response aussie_Trish. I have talked to her about my concerns and she has made an effort. But I can tell she’s just not that interested in my art or art in general. She makes an effort for me, because she loves me and I so appreciate that. I just wish she was into it s bit more as well as interested in other topics to talk about.
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what is the reason you are together? doesn’t sound like you want to marry her. You’ve taken her out for a test drive and although she has a few nice features, she doesn’t quite fit your vision of the perfect woman.

She’s probably lied to herself that you love her and will marry her so she’s trying to please you in the hopes that she’ll finally land a husband. Neither one of you are investing your whole heart and soul into this relationship. No wonder it seems a bit flat.

If you plan to drag this out a little longer, please start picking out baby names. At her age she might decide to get off the birth control and have that baby before she’s too old to be a mommy, either for herself or to finally get you to marry her.
 
Unfortunately, you are living in sin and have to end this situation. Do you live together? I’m sure God isn’t telling you to stay with her because God would never lead you to sin. If you do it His way, you would tell her you would like to be able to go to Communion and so you’d like to live apart and not have sex until you’re married, and then let God take it from there.

I know it’s difficult and I feel for you both, but you must put God first and stop offending Him. Go to Confession very soon, like today, and sin no more, please. Your soul’s in trouble and so is hers.

My prayers go out to you both.
 
AussieTrish said:
pascal_l7, if you are not happy with someone, then it won’t make either of you happy if you just hang in there because you have lost feelings for her, and don’t feel you have enough in common. It won’t make for an happy marriage if you have nothing in common, so why wait. It will only get harder and lonelier.
It’s okay to have some different interests, but a couple does need some in common.

You do know that as an unmarried Christian or Catholic you shouldn’t be having sex before marriage, it’s called fornication when an unmarried couple have sex together, and that is sinful. If something feels wrong, that’s partly it, but it’s also probably incompatibility.

Catechism of the Catholic Church, sins against the Sixth Commandment
vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm

“2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.”
Fornication is a matter that Catholics need to take to Confession

However, don’t be fooled by society or media that sex will always be fantastic and won’t sometimes by less thrilling. Life is both highs and lows, even sex.

By the sound of it, you already know you don’t want to spend a lifetime with this girl though you admire certain qualities. As you know this, it would be unkind to yourself and the girl to keep her hanging. If you need to break it off, waiting sometimes only makes things worse.

Have you talked with your girlfriend about your concerns?
Perhaps she might be willing to learn more about those matters that interest you, and develop an interest in them herself.

God guide you.
All the best with your art!
Click to expand...
Another wise post, especially the advice about pre-marital sex. This closeness too easily given and taken can lead to the ennui that you may be feeling because there is little intellectual commonality. Any nurse after a 12 hour shift may not find herself enamoured of a deep discussion on the effect of impressionism on today’s architecture.
Just from the basic tenor of your post, you seem to be highly self-absorbed, whilst she has been doing her best to accommodate your needs in the relationship, from your account…
If you truly love a woman her concerns are your concerns and you should be open to finding her interests as well as sharing your own. She should be more important than you in your decisions. This is very hard over a married life, but is an essential component of a good marriage. Do you think you have the maturity for this sort of commitment?
 
The amount of porn you watch has probably given you a false expectation of real sex so you will struggle to satisfied as she doesnt do the degrading things you have seen in videos

Pray to respect her and yourself.
 
PJF0808 said:
The amount of porn you watch has probably given you a false expectation of real sex so you will struggle to satisfied as she doesnt do the degrading things you have seen in videos

Pray to respect her and yourself.
Click to expand...
Where in the post has there been mention of porn? Give the poor bloke a chance!
 
First of all, you should not be having sex with her or living with her prior to MARRIAGE. You referred to yourself as a devout Catholic so you should know that. The reason why you are not happy with her is because in having sex with her and you bonded too quickly because sex does that to people. Then the initial sex clouded your judgement. If you had not brought sex into the mix you would have discovered your true feelings for this woman without living together and complicating your lives. Stop living together and start living as the devout Catholic man you claim to be. If you don’t know what that entails please ask your priest.
 
Confused? That’s the logical outcome of getting yourself into a confusing pretend marriage.
 
So the common feedback I’m getting is that the sin of fornication is clouding my judgement/feelings/experience. I do think about this quite a bit and definitely respect this position. However, as we are both 36, is it realistic to expect either of us to be virgins at this point? How many people here waited until marriage, and if you did how old were you when you got married? I can see doing that if we marry in our 20’s but when we get to mid-late 30’s is it realistic? Just being honest and posing the question, not passing judgement. Maybe I’m not as devout as I thought if this is the case. I do think about the sinning though during the act so maybe you all are right.

So…Aside from that aspect! And maybe that really is the only aspect I should be paying attention to. BUT, aside from that, does it sound like we are just not a good match? I do try to take interest in her life and her interests. And search for common ground and things to share together. And we do have some of those things, just not as many as I’d hope for. This is where I’m wondering if I’m being unrealistic or “self-asborbed” (as mentioned by another responder).
 
Before my husband and I got engaged, I had a strong feeling of “YES this is the man that I need to marry”.

It doesn’t sound like you have that enthusiasm, and without that, I’d say no, it doesn’t sound like you are right for one another.

As far as finding a virgin, at your age, sure, it might be difficult to find someone who is a virgin and who you can have a good relationship with. But the point is for YOU to be committed to chastity throughout your life. At this unmarried part of your life right now, that means abstinence. Confess your sexual activity, and commit to stop having sex, with her, and with any other women you date afterwards. Tell them up front that sorry, but though you have a somewhat colorful past, you have committed to abstinence until you are married. If that is a deal breaker for a future girlfriend, then was she really someone who it would have worked out with anyways? There are seasons of life where sex is not a possibility (postpartum, sickness, old age) so it’s important to build a relationship completely without sex before adding that into the mix. You don’t ice a cake before you’re done mixing&baking it.
 
It doesn’t matter what age you are - fornication is still a sin. The values of the secular culture don’t determine what is a sin or not. Ask yourself whether you would be seeing her now if you weren’t having sex with her. If the answer is no, you are just using her. I don’t see anything in the post about what you do for her - just how she is trying to accommodate you.
 
pascal_l7 said:
So the common feedback I’m getting is that the sin of fornication is clouding my judgement/feelings/experience. I do think about this quite a bit and definitely respect this position. However, as we are both 36, is it realistic to expect either of us to be virgins at this point? How many people here waited until marriage, and if you did how old were you when you got married? I can see doing that if we marry in our 20’s but when we get to mid-late 30’s is it realistic? Just being honest and posing the question, not passing judgement. Maybe I’m not as devout as I thought if this is the case. I do think about the sinning though during the act so maybe you all are right.

So…Aside from that aspect! And maybe that really is the only aspect I should be paying attention to. BUT, aside from that, does it sound like we are just not a good match? I do try to take interest in her life and her interests. And search for common ground and things to share together. And we do have some of those things, just not as many as I’d hope for. This is where I’m wondering if I’m being unrealistic or “self-asborbed” (as mentioned by another responder).
Click to expand...
I wasn’t raised strongly Christian and didn’t come to appreciate the teachings of the catholic Church until relatively recently. So, from that perspective, I don’t think being a virgin into the 30’s is very realistic although it would be ideal.

You already acknowledge that having sex and being high on the hormones and chemicals our bodies create during sex and orgasm cloud both of your judgement and perhaps artificially kept this relationship going. You’re also saying that you feel a lack of connection and maybe a lack of chemistry? I strongly believe that people should not marry if they do not share a healthy intellectual, emotional, and physical chemistry/attraction/bond.

However, you could be merely experiencing a slump. Relationships do have ups and downs. Maybe some extra effort would put things on track and make you feel comfortable marrying this lady. You say the sex is less than inspiring, but you also say that she works 12 hr shifts at a very draining job and that you’re daydreaming. She’s probably tired…too tired emotionally and physically to be very enthusiastic. And if you aren’t there with her but off in your daydream how much connection do you think you’re likely to feel?

Communicate your need for her to share more of your interests and cut her some slack if she says she can’t because she is worn out from her job. She’s got to sleep, work, and take care of working out or whatever errands need running or chore needs doing. She doesn’t have much time for other pursuits. Interests have to be prioritized. The not so important have to be left by the wayside or saved as an occasional change of pace due to time constraints.

Abstain from sex. Connect with her other ways. Maybe 2-3 months and then reevaluate? If that repairs the problem then you should seriously consider marrying her. If not, then say a fond farewell and move on. Just don’t wait too long. You are nearing the end of her fertile years. It’s cruel to keep her with you and therefore deny her the chance to find a husband and have babies.
 
I’d give this a 8/10 on the troll thread scale.

If it is a real/legit post then it seems like “you’re just not into her” and should obviously
end the relationship. Although it seems from your lack of enthusiasm, that she is obviously not into you as well. Good luck and move on. However , it is not really a good idea to “brag” or mention your “boring sex life” and then proclaiming to be a devout Catholic. What kind of responses do you expect after proclaiming this?
 
pascal_l7 said:
Hello,
So I’ve had a girlfriend for 9 months now. Our relationship started out very slowly, only seeing each other once every 3 weeks or so for the first 2 months until agreeing to be exclusive. Pretty normal after that. I’m kind of torn on how I feel about her and I know that if I break it off with her I will be devastating based on how much I believe she loves me.

I’ll start with the pros of the relationship:
She is very beautiful, totally trustworthy, and loyal. I never worry about her when she’s out with her friends. We were both raised similarly by our parents. She accepts me for who I am. My parents LOVE her. She makes the effort to make the relationship work, always meeting me halfway. Whenever we’ve had a disagreement and I’ve asked her to meet one of my needs, she has come through. We are able to chill and watch a movie and SPORTS. She likes to hike explore new cities/sights.

Cons:
The sex is kind of boring. Our sexual chemistry is somewhat bland. I have never had that “lose yourself” feeling when we’ve kissed or** made love**, not yet at least. I tend to daydream while we kiss. And sometimes I have difficulty reaching orgasm because of the mediocre connection I feel. Our conversations are not the most stimulating. We don’t get very deep into topics, and I find myself to be a relatively deep person. Politics, current events, religion, history, etc., she doesn’t engage in these topics as she has little interest whereas I do. Discussions about our childhood don’t last very long because she says she barely remembers much from childhood. Her typical day is to work a 12+ hour shift, come home and either work out, hang out with me, or go to bed. We only get a couple of hours to spend together on work nights because of her 12 hour shift(nurse). Also, I am an artist and have tried to share my artwork with her. At first she just didn’t seem very interested at all. I was hurt by this, and later did tell her. She has since made an effort to take more of an interest but I still feel she doesn’t care as she just isn’t that into art in general. I do appreciate her effort though.

In summary, I lack the enthusiasm I would wish for in a relationship. There was a period where I was much more in love with her. Maybe that honeymoon phase is just over. I’m not really sure what to do here. I’m a **devout Catholic **and pray about it every day. I feel I’ve received signs saying to stay with her. I believe is the voice of God could be telling me to stay in the relationship but I find myself fighting with that voice and sometimes thinking that I’m just being silly and that I should just end the relationship. We are both 36. She and I are both looking for someone to marry at this point in our lives so I don’t want to make a big decision without really thinking this through.

Am I expecting too much from her or a relationship in general? Do I need to appreciate what I have here and quit complaining, or are my concerns legit? Thanks in advance for the help!
Click to expand...
:banghead::takethat:

Can you explain further the devout Catholic part?
 
theCrow said:
I’d give this a 8/10 on the troll thread scale.

If it is a real/legit post then it seems like “you’re just not into her” and should obviously
end the relationship. Although it seems from your lack of enthusiasm, that she is obviously not into you as well. Good luck and move on. However , it is not really a good idea to “brag” or mention your “boring sex life” and then proclaiming to be a devout Catholic. What kind of responses do you expect after proclaiming this?
Click to expand...
Lamentation said:
:banghead::takethat:

Can you explain further the devout Catholic part?
Click to expand...
I don’t think it was bragging. Intimacy is important in a marriage. He’s deciding if he should marry this woman and knows that there is a problem in the physical and emotional intimacy department. That is pertinent information.

And, frankly, it’s silly to think one cannot be a devout catholic who regularly sins. We’re all sinners. He’s probably being truthful. He’s a man that stands with the faith and also happens to be weak enough to have given into the temptation to sin. Just as we all have.
 
MJJean said:
I don’t think it was bragging. Intimacy is important in a marriage. He’s deciding if he should marry this woman and knows that there is a problem in the physical and emotional intimacy department. That is pertinent information.

And, frankly, it’s silly to think one cannot be a devout catholic who regularly sins. We’re all sinners. He’s probably being truthful. He’s a man that stands with the faith and also happens to be weak enough to have given into the temptation to sin. Just as we all have.
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Thanks MJJean. I knew I’d catch some flak for pre-marital relations. Admittedly haven’t strictly adhered to all the teachings of our religion. Maybe this is a consequence.
 
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