Very confused about my feelings for my girlfriend. Serious advice needed

[pascal_l7]

I’d give this a 8/10 on the troll thread scale.

If it is a real/legit post then it seems like “you’re just not into her” and should obviously
end the relationship. Although it seems from your lack of enthusiasm, that she is obviously not into you as well. Good luck and move on. However , it is not really a good idea to “brag” or mention your “boring sex life” and then proclaiming to be a devout Catholic. What kind of responses do you expect after proclaiming this?

Not trolling and not bragging. Just trying to be honest and seek answers.

 

[pascal_l7]

I wasn’t raised strongly Christian and didn’t come to appreciate the teachings of the catholic Church until relatively recently. So, from that perspective, I don’t think being a virgin into the 30’s is very realistic although it would be ideal.

You already acknowledge that having sex and being high on the hormones and chemicals our bodies create during sex and orgasm cloud both of your judgement and perhaps artificially kept this relationship going. You’re also saying that you feel a lack of connection and maybe a lack of chemistry? I strongly believe that people should not marry if they do not share a healthy intellectual, emotional, and physical chemistry/attraction/bond.

However, you could be merely experiencing a slump. Relationships do have ups and downs. Maybe some extra effort would put things on track and make you feel comfortable marrying this lady. You say the sex is less than inspiring, but you also say that she works 12 hr shifts at a very draining job and that you’re daydreaming. She’s probably tired…too tired emotionally and physically to be very enthusiastic. And if you aren’t there with her but off in your daydream how much connection do you think you’re likely to feel?

Communicate your need for her to share more of your interests and cut her some slack if she says she can’t because she is worn out from her job. She’s got to sleep, work, and take care of working out or whatever errands need running or chore needs doing. She doesn’t have much time for other pursuits. Interests have to be prioritized. The not so important have to be left by the wayside or saved as an occasional change of pace due to time constraints.

Abstain from sex. Connect with her other ways. Maybe 2-3 months and then reevaluate? If that repairs the problem then you should seriously consider marrying her. If not, then say a fond farewell and move on. Just don’t wait too long. You are nearing the end of her fertile years. It’s cruel to keep her with you and therefore deny her the chance to find a husband and have babies.

I like this advice. I do wonder how she will react if I tell her I’d like to abstain from sex. I’ll have to think about this. She is worth the effort. And I do want to make sure I put in 110% before calling it quits as I do love her.

 

[pascal_l7]

what is the reason you are together? doesn’t sound like you want to marry her. You’ve taken her out for a test drive and although she has a few nice features, she doesn’t quite fit your vision of the perfect woman.

She’s probably lied to herself that you love her and will marry her so she’s trying to please you in the hopes that she’ll finally land a husband. Neither one of you are investing your whole heart and soul into this relationship. No wonder it seems a bit flat.

If you plan to drag this out a little longer, please start picking out baby names. At her age she might decide to get off the birth control and have that baby before she’s too old to be a mommy, either for herself or to finally get you to marry her.

The reason we are together is because she has a good heart, very loyal and trustworthy, and I find her to be a beautiful woman. These are the reasons I am with her. I want to know if this should be enough, am I asking for too much from her, seeking that “perfect woman”. There is no perfect woman, I understand that. I guess I’m looking for reasons or validation to stay with her since I know she is a quality woman, a woman that my parents absolutely love (which means a lot to me). I don’t want to regret this decision if I walk away. Seems hard to find a good catch.

 

[lola5555]

I’m sorry you and your girlfriend are struggling right now. I can’t really dole out too much relationship advice, but I can offer one perspective on abstinence. I am a couple years younger than you. I’ve had sex with no one for about 20 years. My sexual past unfortunately was more about other people preying on me, but once I got the strength to care about myself and extricate myself I made a commitment that I would be chaste for the rest of my life. At that time I assumed I would be married at some point, probably in my 20s. But that didn’t happen.

As a devout Catholic, I would only date a devout Catholic man. To me the right man would be someone I can not only respect, but can also look to, to lead us in our faith together. The basics of respecting himself and me in soul and body would be an important part of his character. I would not demand that my boyfriend be a virgin, but he would need to have previously committed to a chaste life for me to take him seriously. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to be the quality boyfriend that your girlfriend deserves. Maybe if you share with her that your love, devotion, and respect for her demand that you do not lead her to sin, she will respond with a renewed love and interest. To attract a good catch we have to be a good catch first.

Your girlfriend may not be ‘the one,’ but it can’t hurt to show a new respect and love for her. These may be things that you learn together and take into future relationships with other people. Or it may be that you are the man that opens a new world for her and you will share that lifelong adventure together. If marriage is in your future with her, taking the lead to a solid foundation built on God and love is only going to bring happiness. I wish you both luck.

 

[AussieTrish]

The reason we are together is because she has a good heart, very loyal and trustworthy, and I find her to be a beautiful woman. These are the reasons I am with her. I want to know if this should be enough, am I asking for too much from her, seeking that “perfect woman”. There is no perfect woman, I understand that. I guess I’m looking for reasons or validation to stay with her since I know she is a quality woman, a woman that my parents absolutely love (which means a lot to me). I don’t want to regret this decision if I walk away. Seems hard to find a good catch.

Conversely, is there a perfect man out there? Are you a perfect man?

A person with basic goodness, love, loyalty will last, will make a good spouse and parent.
She sounds like a lovely girl. Hopefully her goodness will extend to not wishing to offend God with continuation of pre-marital sex. That is perhaps a test of her commitment and yours to living according to God’s Commandments. It could be a litmus test of your character as well as hers.

We don’t need to be clones of each other. She doesn’t have to have all the same interests.
My husband’s hobby personally doesn’t interest me at all.
However I show him all the interest, listen to his minute discussions on it, his sketches regarding his constructions, and give him full credit for his accomplishments, but could never have a passion for what is of no personal interest, except for his sake.

A person can learn to appreciate art, can learn to understand and respect the value of subjects of interest. There may be gentle, wise ways of introducing your girlfriend to understanding why politics etc may be important. If she has reasonable intelligence, she can be informed. Certainly a married couple needs to be able to have discussions, but some subjects later may take third place with the daily business of work, life, and family.

My husband and I are different in various ways, but decades after marriage we are far closer than in the early days of marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t think it was bragging. Intimacy is important in a marriage. He’s deciding if he should marry this woman and knows that there is a problem in the physical and emotional intimacy department. That is pertinent information.

And, frankly, it’s silly to think one cannot be a devout catholic who regularly sins. We’re all sinners. He’s probably being truthful. He’s a man that stands with the faith and also happens to be weak enough to have given into the temptation to sin. Just as we all have.

Prior to joining this site, I actually didn’t know that Catholics were anti premarital sex or homosexuality. I knew that many Protestant sects were, but my perception of Catholicism was that those things were technically sinful, but they were condemned with a wink and a nod. Heck, even before I joined this site I was dating my husband who was raised Catholic, and he knew that his mom was against premarital sex, but he thought she was kind of an anomaly. (Yes, we both knew that on the political stage the church was against it, but we thought that on a personal level, even amongst priests, there was more approval) It never surprises me when I meet a Catholic who is living in sin or pro-gay marriage, because it really seems that a lot of people either don’t know, or don’t really believe that it is against the Catholic faith.

To the OP: Sex aside, if you have to ask strangers if you should marry someone, then I really think that you already know the answer.

 

[newcatholicwife]

You two definately need to stop having sex.

When you are dating you should be asking yourself if this is the woman you want to marry and love forever.

If you cant see her that way you need to break up. If you can you need to ask her the bog question.

Sex is not amazing for a long time unless the two spouses really love eachother. Im sure premarital sex will make people “lose the magic”. Dont worry about “compatibility” in this before marriage. The modern saying that you need to “test drive before you buy” is a lie. Amazing sex that lasts can only start with true love. My husband and I waited and every time is amazing for us.