very confused

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max1988

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Just to let ya’ll know, this is going to be a long one:

I’m a 22 year old guy, a junior in college studying to be a teacher. I have an amazing girlfriend, I’ve known her since middle school, but we didn’t start dating until our freshman year at college (we go to the same school). All together we’ve been dating a little over 2 years, and I’m in love with her. Its not just infatuation or lust or anything like that…both of us want to remain chaste until marriage. Its unconditional love; nothing she could do would change that for me. I want more than anything to marry her and someday have children with her (I really want to be a dad in the future), and I’ve told her that since our 1st year together.

However, since I was younger I’ve always considered being a priest. This actually led to a break up between my girlfriend and I when we had been dating around 6 months. I told her I needed to discern, and even though I could tell it broke her heart (which in turn broke my heart) she let me go and told me if I decided against the priesthood she would always be here. It was hard for her to talk to me at first (early on in our relationship I had promised her I was done with discerning, so I broke her trust with that), but she did tell me she prayed for me every day and prayed for God to do his will – not hers – in my life, which I thought was noble.

Anyway, after our break up, I found myself crying almost every night (yes, I’ll admit it…I’m a man and I cried) I went to adoration almost every day and begged God to show me His will. Part of me still felt so called to serve God, but another part of me felt like I had made a mistake in leaving her, and that I should be married and have children someday. I even visited a monastery…it was an amazing experience. For a while I pushed her out of my mind. I decided I would join seminary. But somehow it all came back to her, even though she had been all but ignoring me (and I can’t say I blame her) for almost 6 months. All I knew was I missed her and truly loved her, I felt sorry for having hurt someone who was so faithful and loving to me. 😦

So I asked her out for coffee and she, somewhat reluctantly, agreed. While we talked I told her what I had been going through. She admitted to me that she had spent the first two weeks of our break up crying every day and night, and said with a laugh (she has a great sense of humor, even when she’s sad) “I’ve got the crying down to once a week now, and I’m pretty proud of myself.”

I told her flat out that I missed her – still loved her – and hoped we could reconnect and form a relationship again, but understood if she didn’t want that and wanted to move on. She expressed her similar feeling, but said if I was discerning she could not be with me, no matter how much she loved me.

I told her I still didn’t know what God wanted for me. At that point I could tell she was annoyed and felt our meeting was pointless, “Then why are we even here? If you’re not going to figure it out, why can’t you just let me go?” And then she left. Yeahh….that didn’t go too well. Soo after that, I felt like dirt. Who was I kidding, I was in love with her. And I know I was hurting her, and that coffee date had just reopened old wounds. But I still wanted her back. 😦

Again, weeks after that. I called her. She picked up and we made some small talk, and she needlessly apologized for being “rude” at the café. I told her that I really still loved her and that I wanted to be with her. I event old her that I knew it was God’s will for us to be together, and that I hoped and prayed she would give me another chance. She was so happy she cried and so did I, and we’ve been together since then, and I love her more every day and have even been looking at engagement rings.

However, every so often while I’m in church I’ll get the feeling I’m still being called to serve God somehow. She suggested I become a deacon, bit I don’t know. I hinted to her that I have been thinking about this. I know that if I don’t make a decision she won’t stay with me much longer…its hard for her to trust me when I change my mind so much and break my promises (unintentionally). I’m torn. She told me last night, again, that she loves me and wants what is best for me, but that she can’t take the stress and uncertainty of my indecisiveness much longer, especially when I get her hopes up with promises of engagement. I can’t blame her…but I don’t know what to do or say. :confused:

I love her, and she loves me. We’re not perfect, but I think we’re just right for each other. I WANT to marry her, but why can’t I shake this feeling? I know she’s not going to keep breaking up and taking me back over and over. I can’t expect her to stay with me while I’m discerning, but the thought of losing her forever scares me like nothing else. At the same time, I need to know what I’m doing is the will of God. What should I do? I really need some good solid advice. 😊
Thanks guys.
 
You need a spiritual director to help you discern your vocation of either priesthood or marriage. Call your parish office to see if they can recommend someone. This process can take a long time.
 
You were wrong to call her if you were still discerning a call to the priesthood. If you honestly do not feel that the deaconate would not be right for you and that you are meant to be a priest, then you are toying with the lady’s emotions. If, however, you truly feel that you were meant to be with her, to marry her, and to build a life together, then you are wrong to keep bringing up an avenue that God is not calling you to. It is possible that God wants you to serve Him through your marriage to her, but you are hurting both yourself and your lady if you keep forcing the prolongation of your discernment. At some point, you have got to make a decision and stick with it. You have got to trust God enough to take the plunge. Ask Him to take away your fears and to give you the courage to act courageously, one way or the other. Once the decision has been made (with prayer, of course) then do not second guess any more. You are torturing your girlfriend and yourself, which is definitely not God’s will for either one of you. If you are meant to be a priest, then let the lady go to do what she was meant to do. If you are not, then let the priesthood go. May God bless you. I will pray for you (and especially for your girlfriend).
 
Hello Max1988, what a conundrum! My heart really bleeds for you. I think you are doubley blessed. to have such a deep love and calling to both your girlfriend and God this is truly wonderful. On the other hand it is also very confusing and painful. That being said; I think that you may have been given your answer already. Of the Priests I have spoken to and the Nuns too…Their process of discening may have been rocky; but they all came to know absolutely that their true path was to marry the church.

For you however; you try and try to focus only on God and continualy come back to your girlfriend. Maybe this is God saying it is this path of Love and Holy Matrimony with kids etc. that is your true calling. It does not mean you cannot be active and take on vital roles in the church. Your girlfriend was right telling you that becoming a Deacon, Eucharistic minister, Minister to the sick etc. would all be ways of being involved in helping others and being a valued member of God’s team as it were.

I am no expert; but I am a lifelong Catholic and had an Aunt that was a Nun (she has passed now); her devotion and single minded focus on her loving relationship with God was inspirational and just that…single minded. I would DEFINATELY talk to a priest or spiritual advisor about this too; not just once but ongoing. No matter which you choose, just remember: there are many ways to contribute in the church and all are important and respected. I will paray for you and hope that you find peace in your eventual decicion.

God Bless!
Jake(name removed by moderator)
 
Max, you have put yourself in a bit of a twirl such that you cannot discern what is right. There is not a “wrong” answer per se, but you need to make the better choice between serving God as a priest or serving God as a husband and father. Stop toying with your this wonderful girl until you make a final decision. Go and talk with a Vocation Director immediately and seek his counsel. Regardless of the answer you receive, commit to it 100% and stop dawdling. I suspect you already know what you should do.
 
A vocation director will not be much help at this time.

Seek a spiritual director to help you discern.
 
Max- I feel for you, I go through the daily discernment anxiety as well. I have thought about the diaconate as well, however the hardest part for me to deal with is the fact that I am attracted to the traditonal mass, (pre-Vatican II) and there is no place for a married deacon in that environment.

I also get upset when I think of how the eastern churches allow a married priesthood and how they are very strict when it comes to letting latin lay men switch, marry, and then ordain which is almost impossible unless you move to Ukraine or Lebanon.

Just try to remember the positive aspects of celibacy:
-Objectively it is a higher state than marriage, this was confirmed by Our Lord in the bible.
-It is the tradition of the latin church for the last millenia at least
-It is a sign to the world of sacrificing for heaven’s glory.
-It would be very hard for the church to support a married clergy that doesn’t contracept and all the blessings that come with it.

I think about this when I get upset. Hope this helps.

Finally, even the most traditional of the traditional saints like St. Alphonsus Ligouri has said that even if God wills you to be a priest and you decline that in and of itself will not send you to hell, it will just make your struggle to enter heaven harder. Don’t let the fear of hell play a role in this. This is what I am trying to deal with.
 
I hope this story (witness) helps:

My friend Mike was in the seminary down in New Orleans when he met a lovely lady named Katherine. Mike was not very far into his formation. He fell in love with Katherine and he left the seminary to marry Katherine and they had a couple children.

After about 25 years of marriage, Katherine became ill with breast cancer. With much prayer and fabulous doctors, Katherine beat the cancer. Mike had lost his job as a tv station director not too long before that; so this was a double blessing.

Mike felt blessed and wanted to express that blessing; he went through the discernment process to become a deacon. After about a year into the deaconate formation (classes, etc…), Katherine’s cancer returned - with a vengence. A week after celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, Katherine passed away. Katherine had told Mike to go ahead and become a priest. For Mike, this made sense. It was a 30 year detour that God had given him to make him the priest that God wanted. Katherine was the Father’s gift to Mike.

With the blessing of his Bishop, Mike returned to the same seminary and finished what he started. He is now Fr. Mike and is serving in the Archdiocese of New Orleans. It is quite unique that Fr. Mike can say he has received all 7 sacraments 🙂

Consider this when you talk to your Spiritual/Vocation Director.
 
I can so much relate to this… Thanks for posting

I was going a discernment process, but then, I met this guy. Since the transition was so peaceful, I thought… well, this is what God may want! I am engaged now, I truly love this man, and then… all of a sudden all this doubts… Particularly at Mass… all of a sudden I have tears… did I precipitate? Is this really me? As I come from a very dysfunctional family I keep thinking… well, maybe I am scared of marriage… Is not easy. Crossroads with no clear signs are not easy. Where will I go?.. and this is “the rest of my life” at stake… right?

I have heard so many people saying… “I knew this is me”, “I knew this was my path”… why I cannot hear that also?

Sometimes I think God is too respectful, and wants me to make my decision as free as possible. As a Good Father, he is not forcing me, and he will love me anyways. God is loving, caring, gentle.

You need a spiritual director. I need one also (I can figure it out from this thread). I also need hope and a proper sense of abandonment that God will be with me, if I decide to walk with him in whichever path I take.

I will pray for you. Pray for me.
 
Remember that loving her isn’t the same as wanting to be with her. Your emotions might be muddying the waters so I second everyone else:

Get a spiritual advisor. Someone who can look at your situation from outside with more clarity than you.

Perhaps you’re called to marriage but don’t properly see how you serve God by that. Getting your spouse and children to Heaven, that’s a pretty big task, I’d say.

Perhaps you do want to be a priest but your emotional attachment (and now guilt) are tearing you apart from wanting to hurt her yet again.

Perhaps it’s just that which keeps you from accepting the answer. You have to be honest (if you’re called to marriage, this is key).

Forget your fear, forget about worrying. Just pray for good counsel and SEEK IT OUT.
 
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