Very difficult Father - should I change to Mother's maiden name?

[Fyodor92]

Hello everyone. I’m 24 and have a difficult relationship with my Father. When I was four my parents divorced because he had an affair and from there it’s been downhill. Without going into too much detail he did the following: got married in secret a second time without telling us and then one day just saying ‘I got married again’; divorced second wife and asked us for advice when we (my older siblings and I) were all aged 6-12; got married a third time; moved out of town to accomodate third wife but expected us to travel to see him forcing me to quit the sports I enjoyed and having an adverse effect on our school life; had bad third marriage and used to get drunk and ask us for advice (we’re now 13-19); got divorced again and tells me ‘I am your responsibility, you look after me’ when I was 16; becomes a massive alcoholic and depressed; when we didn’t come to see him he would say we were selfish, nasty, bad children, etc.; tells us that he wants to commit suicide and only by us doing certain things will he not; pressurised me into doing drugs one time (we used to get really drunk together). The list goes on: manipulative, nasty, selfish and unstable behaviour.

In amongst all of this my Mother got Alzheimer’s at an early age (51) when I was 16. Dad used to say when I/we were worried about Mum that ‘you’re obsessed with your Mum, what about me? I’m in more trouble than her’ etc. Recently he went bankrupt and brought disgrace upon the family all the while saying he was going to get married a fourth time. I finally had enough and stopped seeing him and tried to explain my feelings and all he said was that I was a ‘lost soul’ and that there’s some big conspiracy to get him.

Due to all of this, and more, I am strongly considering changing my surname to my Mother’s maiden name. I don’t know my Father’s family at all (he cuts us off from them but I recently reached out to his Mother. He told my Mum that if she still spoke to his Mum he would cut off child support). Basically, I was hoping for some advice from a Catholic perspective. Would changing my name help my sense of identity as I love my Mum and her Mum and brothers? Will I be merely trying to hide who I am? Should I make more effort with my Dad?

I love my Dad and know that he is a deeply disturbed person and I pray for him and light candles for him. However he has a terrible effect on me and makes me feel discombobulated and also angry at his selfishness and reckless behaviour.

Any thoughts?

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Hello everyone. I’m 24 and have a difficult relationship with my Father. When I was four my parents divorced because he had an affair and from there it’s been downhill. Without going into too much detail he did the following: got married in secret a second time without telling us and then one day just saying ‘I got married again’; divorced second wife and asked us for advice when we (my older siblings and I) were all aged 6-12; got married a third time; moved out of town to accomodate third wife but expected us to travel to see him forcing me to quit the sports I enjoyed and having an adverse effect on our school life; had bad third marriage and used to get drunk and ask us for advice (we’re now 13-19); got divorced again and tells me ‘I am your responsibility, you look after me’ when I was 16; becomes a massive alcoholic and depressed; when we didn’t come to see him he would say we were selfish, nasty, bad children, etc.; tells us that he wants to commit suicide and only by us doing certain things will he not; pressurised me into doing drugs one time (we used to get really drunk together). The list goes on: manipulative, nasty, selfish and unstable behaviour.

In amongst all of this my Mother got Alzheimer’s at an early age (51) when I was 16. Dad used to say when I/we were worried about Mum that ‘you’re obsessed with your Mum, what about me? I’m in more trouble than her’ etc. Recently he went bankrupt and brought disgrace upon the family all the while saying he was going to get married a fourth time. I finally had enough and stopped seeing him and tried to explain my feelings and all he said was that I was a ‘lost soul’ and that there’s some big conspiracy to get him.

Due to all of this, and more, I am strongly considering changing my surname to my Mother’s maiden name. I don’t know my Father’s family at all (he cuts us off from them but I recently reached out to his Mother. He told my Mum that if she still spoke to his Mum he would cut off child support). Basically, I was hoping for some advice from a Catholic perspective. Would changing my name help my sense of identity as I love my Mum and her Mum and brothers? Will I be merely trying to hide who I am? Should I make more effort with my Dad?

I love my Dad and know that he is a deeply disturbed person and I pray for him and light candles for him. However he has a terrible effect on me and makes me feel discombobulated and also angry at his selfishness and reckless behaviour.

Any thoughts?

Sorry you had to go through all that. That is awful.

I don’t know if there is a “Catholic” perspective. You will probably get mixed opinions. I say, it’s no son so you can do it if you want. I honestly doubt it will help anything with your sense of identity. You are the same person with whatever name you have. I have not seen my dad since I was three and I have his name. And it’s not even his real last name. My mother gave me his mom’s maiden name (they keep both parents names in Mexico but for some dumb reasons my mom gave me my grandmother’s maiden name) so I have the name of a woman I have not even seen since I was a baby. I do not know any from my dad’s side except a aunt and cousin and I barely met then a few months ago and I am 32.

Now, although I do not care for the last name I have, I see no need to change it. There are more important things. My girlfriend wants to keep her last name if we ever get married (she’s Mexican and they do not take their husbands last name) and although this kind of irks me, I figure heck it’s only a name.

God bless.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing it, but I don’t think there’s much of a guarantee that it will make you feel better. Maybe you should wait and change it when you get married?

 

[Fyodor92]

Thanks for the replies both. It is apparent that I am trying to find solutions to the problem but perhaps the best option I can take is acceptance of who my Dad is and of the fact that I find him incredibly difficult and have conflicted feelings towards him.

 

[Nelka]

When my cousin was divorced she didn’t want to go back to her maiden name nor her mother’s so she now uses our grandmother’s maiden name.

 

[reggieM]

As others said, it’s a terrible situation and I’m sorry to hear it.
I think you’re doing the right thing – looking for ways to affirm your identity. If changing your name would help, then yes that’s good.
You have to realize your own value. Yes, we honor our parents, but never to the point of being abused by them. You have faced some serious trauma from all of this, and it’s important for you to affirm the goodness in yourself and realize you did nothing to deserve that treatment. Obviously, you don’t need to take care of your father either. He has to face his alcoholism and self-loathing by himself (or with the help of professionals). Prayer is all you can do there – but also prayer for your own healing.

 

[pianistclare]

As others said, it’s a terrible situation and I’m sorry to hear it.
I think you’re doing the right thing – looking for ways to affirm your identity. If changing your name would help, then yes that’s good.
You have to realize your own value. Yes, we honor our parents, but never to the point of being abused by them. You have faced some serious trauma from all of this, and it’s important for you to affirm the goodness in yourself and realize you did nothing to deserve that treatment. Obviously, you don’t need to take care of your father either. He has to face his alcoholism and self-loathing by himself (or with the help of professionals). Prayer is all you can do there – but also prayer for your own healing.

This^^^^

 

[Gertabelle]

Because of my childhood, I legally changed my name when I was 25.

I took my grandmother’s maiden name, because I wanted to still have a family name, and I liked hers best. Well, I also absolutely adored my grandma.

For me, I wasn’t running away from my past – I was creating a future. It was hard on my parents when they found out what I had done, but all is well now.

Incidentally, I changed my full name – first, middle, and last. It’s been 24 years now and I have no regrets. But a legal name change IS like getting a tattoo. You can have it removed at some point, but you’re gonna have to go through some serious difficulties to do so.

Pray and think and make your choice.

When I went before the judge to have it changed, some of my friends came with me. When the judge announced that my name was legally changed, they cheered for me. The judge smiled and asked if we could stay and cheer for the next lady who was also changing her name. So we did.

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

Given the nature of your relationship with your father, I can understand well why you would like to divest yourself of his surname. Psychologically, that would be a huge relief and might help you feel ‘free’ of him and his issues.

You do say that you are 24 years old, so likely not so established in a career yet that changing your name at this stage would cause much trouble.

However, as some have pointed out, changing a name can be a lot of hassle. I’m not saying you’d want to change it back, but are there circumstances (marriage, for example) where you might be inclined to change it again?

It also might be a good idea to talk to a counselor as well. Not to talk you out of it, but to help you process your feelings towards your dad. This would help you truly free yourself of his issues, more than a name change would.

 

[felsguy]

Thanks for the replies both. It is apparent that I am trying to find solutions to the problem but perhaps the best option I can take is acceptance of who my Dad is and of the fact that I find him incredibly difficult and have conflicted feelings towards him.

I think you have identified a very good if not best option. Only time would tell if changing your name would be of any help in carrying it out.

Prayers for you.

 

[Fyodor92]

As others said, it’s a terrible situation and I’m sorry to hear it.
I think you’re doing the right thing – looking for ways to affirm your identity. If changing your name would help, then yes that’s good.
You have to realize your own value. Yes, we honor our parents, but never to the point of being abused by them. You have faced some serious trauma from all of this, and it’s important for you to affirm the goodness in yourself and realize you did nothing to deserve that treatment. Obviously, you don’t need to take care of your father either. He has to face his alcoholism and self-loathing by himself (or with the help of professionals). Prayer is all you can do there – but also prayer for your own healing.

Thanks a lot. The honour your parents thing is something I do think about but the fact I’ve always tried my best means I know God knows that too. I know I have been through the mill but try and stay positive and have faith that God has a plan for me. He’s definitely testing me and preparing me for something it feels.

The things I do to help myself and my sense of identity are: 1) read widely; 2) work-out regularly, 3) see friends; 4) see Mum and family as often as possible, particularly as my Mum no longer knows who I am which is a blow.

The next stage of operation sort my life out is pick a career and I’m edging towards the military for a number of reasons I won’t go into now. Once that is on its way j can then focus on finding a wife to have children with. Then I can focus on trying to make the world a better place but at the moment most of my energy goes into remedying this current situation.

Thanks to everyone who replied, I much appreciate the responses and its nice to know that I have legitimate cause for concern with my Father. The poor man is a lost soul himself but for now I need to stay away. Also nice that I’m not the only one who has been through such things. Families eh?

God bless.

 

[Fyodor92]

I think you have identified a very good if not best option. Only time would tell if changing your name would be of any help in carrying it out.

Prayers for you.

Thanks I just wonder whether the name change will aid the acceptance as it will give me distance. I also associates my Mum’s maiden name with her (kind, loving, warm and wonderful) and her family (stable, dependable, intelligent and NORMAL) However my Dad’s name makes me think of madness, narcissism, alcoholism and instability and it runs through the whole family.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Thanks I just wonder whether the name change will aid the acceptance as it will give me distance. I also associates my Mum’s maiden name with her (kind, loving, warm and wonderful) and her family (stable, dependable, intelligent and NORMAL) However my Dad’s name makes me think of madness, narcissism, alcoholism and instability and it runs through the whole family.

Hi Fyodor,

I totally understand how you feel, so you are definitely not alone in your feelings.

I also come from a very toxic and dysfunctional family.

In my case, I didn’t want my family name at all–my own maiden name–Dad’s family name–as I associated it with the abuse that I received from various family members.

I solved this problem in a way, when I got married and took on my husband’s last name.

If I were you, I would go ahead and change your name if it would help you to feel better.

I am so very sorry about your Mom’s Alzheimer’s, and your Dad’s alcoholism, too.

Alcoholism was/is a problem in my family, and some of my most beloved family members had Alzheimer’s disease too, so my heart really does go out to you.

May God bless you during this difficult time for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[phil19034]

Hello everyone. I’m 24 and have a difficult relationship with my Father. When I was four my parents divorced because he had an affair and from there it’s been downhill. Without going into too much detail he did the following: got married in secret a second time without telling us and then one day just saying ‘I got married again’; divorced second wife and asked us for advice when we (my older siblings and I) were all aged 6-12; got married a third time; moved out of town to accomodate third wife but expected us to travel to see him forcing me to quit the sports I enjoyed and having an adverse effect on our school life; had bad third marriage and used to get drunk and ask us for advice (we’re now 13-19); got divorced again and tells me ‘I am your responsibility, you look after me’ when I was 16; becomes a massive alcoholic and depressed; when we didn’t come to see him he would say we were selfish, nasty, bad children, etc.; tells us that he wants to commit suicide and only by us doing certain things will he not; pressurised me into doing drugs one time (we used to get really drunk together). The list goes on: manipulative, nasty, selfish and unstable behaviour.

In amongst all of this my Mother got Alzheimer’s at an early age (51) when I was 16. Dad used to say when I/we were worried about Mum that ‘you’re obsessed with your Mum, what about me? I’m in more trouble than her’ etc. Recently he went bankrupt and brought disgrace upon the family all the while saying he was going to get married a fourth time. I finally had enough and stopped seeing him and tried to explain my feelings and all he said was that I was a ‘lost soul’ and that there’s some big conspiracy to get him.

Due to all of this, and more, I am strongly considering changing my surname to my Mother’s maiden name. I don’t know my Father’s family at all (he cuts us off from them but I recently reached out to his Mother. He told my Mum that if she still spoke to his Mum he would cut off child support). Basically, I was hoping for some advice from a Catholic perspective. Would changing my name help my sense of identity as I love my Mum and her Mum and brothers? Will I be merely trying to hide who I am? Should I make more effort with my Dad?

I love my Dad and know that he is a deeply disturbed person and I pray for him and light candles for him. However he has a terrible effect on me and makes me feel discombobulated and also angry at his selfishness and reckless behaviour.

Any thoughts?

I’m not a clergy member nor a therapist. I think you should speak with a solid Catholic Therapist (or at least a solid Christian Therapist if you can’t find a Catholic one) to discuss this before doing anything.

Personally, I don’t think changing your surname is going to change your feelings regarding your father. It may mask the daily reminder, but the pain will still be there.

Also, if your dad truly is clinically depressed (which he very well might be since he’s discussed suicide) then changing your surname could have some unintended side affects.

So again, my loving suggestion would be to not make any changes and see a Catholic/Christian Therapist for support.

I recommend visiting catholictherapists.com/.

I found a therapist there that I enjoy visiting with, plus if there are not any in your area, there are several there who do video sessions via Skype and/or Apple Facetime.

God Bless

 

[MaryT777]

Sorry to hear about your life growing up with your father. Must have been a tough road.

Regretfully, my uncle committed murder when my sister was in high school. She was greatly effected because his children (my cousins) went to the same high school and a lot of people would recognize her last name and call her murder’s kid (kids can be so cruel) she lost friends and a boyfriend for the “bad genes in the family” I was in college and a little fish in a bit University town of fishes so this did not effect me.

As soon as she could, she changed her last name to my mother’s maiden name. She loved my grandmother and it bought her a real sense of peace and she said it was the best thing she had ever done.

At the end it’s a personal choice to make and I pray for God to provide you guidance when making this decision,
Mary.

 

[Catholic1954]

Hello everyone. I’m 24 and have a difficult relationship with my Father. When I was four my parents divorced because he had an affair and from there it’s been downhill. Without going into too much detail he did the following: got married in secret a second time without telling us and then one day just saying ‘I got married again’; divorced second wife and asked us for advice when we (my older siblings and I) were all aged 6-12; got married a third time; moved out of town to accomodate third wife but expected us to travel to see him forcing me to quit the sports I enjoyed and having an adverse effect on our school life; had bad third marriage and used to get drunk and ask us for advice (we’re now 13-19); got divorced again and tells me ‘I am your responsibility, you look after me’ when I was 16; becomes a massive alcoholic and depressed; when we didn’t come to see him he would say we were selfish, nasty, bad children, etc.; tells us that he wants to commit suicide and only by us doing certain things will he not; pressurised me into doing drugs one time (we used to get really drunk together). The list goes on: manipulative, nasty, selfish and unstable behaviour.

In amongst all of this my Mother got Alzheimer’s at an early age (51) when I was 16. Dad used to say when I/we were worried about Mum that ‘you’re obsessed with your Mum, what about me? I’m in more trouble than her’ etc. Recently he went bankrupt and brought disgrace upon the family all the while saying he was going to get married a fourth time. I finally had enough and stopped seeing him and tried to explain my feelings and all he said was that I was a ‘lost soul’ and that there’s some big conspiracy to get him.

Due to all of this, and more, I am strongly considering changing my surname to my Mother’s maiden name. I don’t know my Father’s family at all (he cuts us off from them but I recently reached out to his Mother. He told my Mum that if she still spoke to his Mum he would cut off child support). Basically, I was hoping for some advice from a Catholic perspective. Would changing my name help my sense of identity as I love my Mum and her Mum and brothers? Will I be merely trying to hide who I am? Should I make more effort with my Dad?

I love my Dad and know that he is a deeply disturbed person and I pray for him and light candles for him. However he has a terrible effect on me and makes me feel discombobulated and also angry at his selfishness and reckless behaviour.

Any thoughts?

Changing your name is fine, but I think all you will be doing is re-naming your problem: the bad relationship you have with your father. My husband always wanted to change his name, for similar reasons. He never did and now claims he regrets not doing that, but I think he really regrets not reconciling with his father before his death 5 years ago. Please consider getting counseling to help you deal with your father’s behavior and help you put a rotten childhood behind you.

 

[Chantal25]

I think this decision of changing your name is up to you. I personally wouldn’t change the name.

One thing i would do, i would start saying the rosary and pray for him without cease. Like Saint Monica has done for her son Augustine, whom is now a great Saint.

I pray for you. This is without question a very heaving cross and it must hurt terribly. I am also very sorry about this, no child should be put through this.

On a good hand, God has a way to turn terrible situation and to make it good. You will go through this. Jesus is with us the most when we suffer.

God Bless!

 

[felsguy]

Thanks for the replies both. It is apparent that I am trying to find solutions to the problem but perhaps the best option I can take is acceptance of who my Dad is and of the fact that I find him incredibly difficult and have conflicted feelings towards him.

I think you have identified a very good if not best option. Only time would tell if changing your name would be of any help in carrying it out.

Prayers for you.

Thanks I just wonder whether the name change will aid the acceptance as it will give me distance. I also associates my Mum’s maiden name with her (kind, loving, warm and wonderful) and her family (stable, dependable, intelligent and NORMAL) However my Dad’s name makes me think of madness, narcissism, alcoholism and instability and it runs through the whole family.

It would seem then that not having to write, see in print, or answer to your dad’s name probably would eliminate some of the daily reminders of those unpleasant things, giving you some peace to move forward but not denying or running from the reality of your family situation.

 

[Fyodor92]

Hello everyone, thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have had counselling before and it was quite helpful when I was working up the courage to say no to him and start the process of disentanglement. I would consider it again but part of me doesn’t want to just go over everything again. The problem really is simple: my Mum, who I adore, is dying and my Dad has been a monumental letdown, set a terrible example and shows no sign of changing his ways. I am unsure how counselling will help? I’m not particularly depressed at the moment, I’m just getting on with things and figuring out a career, etc., but I do feel furious with him and it’s hard to forgive someone who thinks they’ve done nothing wrong and hasn’t asked for forgiveness.

I am of course very, very lonely. I have lots of friends, no girlfriend, and most importantly no home. Also my experiences are unique and there is no-one to share them with.

Prayer helps a lot, as does saying the rosary, and I will continue to do that and asks for God’s guidance. I look forward to having children of my own and being a brilliant father. Families are so complicated!

 

[AdamP88]

Hello everyone. I’m 24 and have a difficult relationship with my Father. When I was four my parents divorced because he had an affair and from there it’s been downhill. Without going into too much detail he did the following: got married in secret a second time without telling us and then one day just saying ‘I got married again’; divorced second wife and asked us for advice when we (my older siblings and I) were all aged 6-12; got married a third time; moved out of town to accomodate third wife but expected us to travel to see him forcing me to quit the sports I enjoyed and having an adverse effect on our school life; had bad third marriage and used to get drunk and ask us for advice (we’re now 13-19); got divorced again and tells me ‘I am your responsibility, you look after me’ when I was 16; becomes a massive alcoholic and depressed; when we didn’t come to see him he would say we were selfish, nasty, bad children, etc.; tells us that he wants to commit suicide and only by us doing certain things will he not; pressurised me into doing drugs one time (we used to get really drunk together). The list goes on: manipulative, nasty, selfish and unstable behaviour.

In amongst all of this my Mother got Alzheimer’s at an early age (51) when I was 16. Dad used to say when I/we were worried about Mum that ‘you’re obsessed with your Mum, what about me? I’m in more trouble than her’ etc. Recently he went bankrupt and brought disgrace upon the family all the while saying he was going to get married a fourth time. I finally had enough and stopped seeing him and tried to explain my feelings and all he said was that I was a ‘lost soul’ and that there’s some big conspiracy to get him.

Due to all of this, and more, I am strongly considering changing my surname to my Mother’s maiden name. I don’t know my Father’s family at all (he cuts us off from them but I recently reached out to his Mother. He told my Mum that if she still spoke to his Mum he would cut off child support). Basically, I was hoping for some advice from a Catholic perspective. Would changing my name help my sense of identity as I love my Mum and her Mum and brothers? Will I be merely trying to hide who I am? Should I make more effort with my Dad?

I love my Dad and know that he is a deeply disturbed person and I pray for him and light candles for him. However he has a terrible effect on me and makes me feel discombobulated and also angry at his selfishness and reckless behaviour.

Any thoughts?

I couldn’t tell you whether changing your name would help your sense of identity. It might. It might not. I have a bad relationship with my biological father as well. He was alright when I was younger but as I’ve gotten older he seems to be less interested in my life. I have tried over the years to reach out and do things together or meet up but I recently came to the conclusion that he’s simply not interested and I should stop disappointing myself by making attempts to reach out. He and my mom never were married so when my mom married, my stepdad adopted me. I dropped my father’s name at that point. For me, that helped in a certain way as I felt like I was part of a proper family. It won’t make you feel any better about the relationship with your father though. I’d also be prepared for him to hold a grudge on that matter.