Very frustrated, looking for some prayers

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Kelfa28

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Hubby and I had a plan.
He is currently unemployed and we were planning on having me finish my degree on the GI Bill to help keep ourselves above water while my husband played stay at home dad with our two kids.

Money is seriously tight right now. We are on some assistance and are doing our best to make this situation work.
We’ve been using NFP to space kids. It worked really well between baby #1 and baby #2. Our plan was to wait several years until we’d try for baby #3.

I carefully charted and followed the rules every month. I use STM and take daily temps. I leave my thermometer under my pillow and take my temp before I get up. I kept track of mucus and cervix changes.
Normally my cycles were on the money and I’d ovulate either cycle day 12 or 13 with a clear temp shift on day 14 or 15.
This past month I had a VERY clear temp shift on day 11 and a further temp shift on day 12 (by almost an entire degree between the two days).

We figured we were fine and waited another day. Temp remained the same…well above the cover line.

You can guess where this is going. Two weeks go by and instead of PMS symptoms, I’m having clear as day pregnancy symptoms. I take a test and I’m pregnant.
Third baby in less then 3 years and we are both unemployed.

It’s exceedingly hard to be excited. My last pregnancy was rough on me and I wanted a break. I wanted to finish school. School is demanding and I’ll clearly be behind at least a year.
My husband and I are the only practicing Catholics in our family. Everyone is going to think we’re not just nuts but totally irresponsible, given our financial situation.
I know our parish will be supportive and I that gives me peace.

I feel even more awful because despite the fact that I want to trust in God, I can’t help but feel frightened. Frightened that this will happen again. I tried to follow the NFP rules as well as I’ve been taught but clearly we did something really wrong this month.

I don’t want to go through another difficult pregnancy. I’m dreading the fact that once again, despite my efforts to exclusively breastfeed, I will become fertile again before my 6 week PP check up (it will happen, it’s already happened twice…my fertility has never been suppressed from breast feeding) and I will have even less trust in the way I chart.
I think about how easy and cheap it would be to get my tubes tied and it would be all over. I’ve even mentioned this to my husband and he does his best to remind me that we are Catholic and we need to trust in God…but he’s not pregnant and trying to finish school and he never has to chart (he’s never even understood charting and never bothered to learn but figured it was okay to just not “bug me” for sex and wait until I say it’s okay).

I’m having a seriously hard time with this and having a hard time trusting God.
 
Kelfa28 said:
You can guess where this is going. Two weeks go by and instead of PMS symptoms, I’m having clear as day pregnancy symptoms. I take a test and I’m pregnant.
Third baby in less then 3 years and we are both unemployed.

**Awww.

This is rough, but you guys are going to be OK.**

I know our parish will be supportive and I that gives me peace.

That’s great.

I feel even more awful because despite the fact that I want to trust in God, I can’t help but feel frightened. Frightened that this will happen again. I tried to follow the NFP rules as well as I’ve been taught but clearly we did something really wrong this month.

**Not necessarily. There might have been a user error (and it’s worth troubleshooting that), but it may just be that you need a stricter set of rules.

My 9-year-old was conceived with a Day 14 ovulation with us last having had marital relations on Day 7, much to our surprise (my normal ovulation schedule at the time was several days later). After that (wonderful!) surprise 10 years ago, we started to stop on Day 5. We have had no further surprises with regard to making a mistake about the onset of Phase 2. As my cycles have shortened over the years (I’m currently 39 and they’re around 26 days), we now stop on Day 4. If my cycles shorten more, we’ll need to stop at Day 3. Once I start full-blown perimenopausal weirdness, I expect we’ll have to skip Day 1-3 entirely and just stick to Phase 3 until I’m official menopausal. **

I don’t want to go through another difficult pregnancy. I’m dreading the fact that once again, despite my efforts to exclusively breastfeed, I will become fertile again before my 6 week PP check up (it will happen, it’s already happened twice…my fertility has never been suppressed from breast feeding) and I will have even less trust in the way I chart.
I think about how easy and cheap it would be to get my tubes tied and it would be all over. I’ve even mentioned this to my husband and he does his best to remind me that we are Catholic and we need to trust in God…but he’s not pregnant and trying to finish school and he never has to chart (he’s never even understood charting and never bothered to learn but figured it was okay to just not “bug me” for sex and wait until I say it’s okay).

**I think it’s time for your husband to start helping you with your chart and with figuring out NFP stuff.

Also, feel free to consider less breastfeeding under your circumstances. The pay-off for breastfeeding is front-loaded–the older the baby, the less benefit it confers. **

I’m having a seriously hard time with this and having a hard time trusting God.
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Take it as easy as possible and ask your husband for lots of help.

Three or four years from now, you’ll feel totally different about this.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
Take it as easy as possible and ask your husband for lots of help.

Three or four years from now, you’ll feel totally different about this.

Best wishes!
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Thank-you.

What’s weird is actually having another baby doesn’t really scare me too much. This baby will certainly be welcomed, loved and enjoyed by everyone. Going through pregnancy and making another user error with NFP scares me more. Trusting God has this all figured out scares me too.

Hubby is very supportive and has admitted he feels a little guilty not helping out with NFP more.

One of two things happened this month. We had marital relations on day 4 and stopped until after this temp rise at day 11. I’m not sure what to make of this user-error. I don’t know if I temped wrong and actually did ovulate on the 12 or 13th day or if this is a 6-7 day miracle sperm.
 
May God bless your wonderful family. Trust in Him, all will be well.

Peace
 
Kelfa28 said:
Thank-you.

What’s weird is actually having another baby doesn’t really scare me too much. This baby will certainly be welcomed, loved and enjoyed by everyone. Going through pregnancy and making another user error with NFP scares me more. Trusting God has this all figured out scares me too.

Hubby is very supportive and has admitted he feels a little guilty not helping out with NFP more.

One of two things happened this month. We had marital relations on day 4 and stopped until after this temp rise at day 11. I’m not sure what to make of this user-error. I don’t know if I temped wrong and actually did ovulate on the 12 or 13th day or if this is a 6-7 day miracle sperm.
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That seems like the most likely explanation.

The thing is, if you need 7 days early warning for ovulation, that really raises a lot of questions about Phase 1 for you, because 7 days is more than enough time to go from totally infertile to ovulation. Somebody correct me, but I’ve heard that fertility monitors provide 5 days’ notice, which is good, but maybe not quite good enough for highly motivated people with the need for 7 days’ notice.

Day 11 is also very early, although I have heard of Day 10 ovulation. (I was reading up on perimenopause recently, and apparently perimenopausal women sometimes manage 17 day cycles, which might even put ovulation even earlier for them.)

A consult with a teacher might be in order for postpartum to figure out what rules make the most sense for you going forward.
 
It definitely sounds like a tough situation. I’m no good at advice in these situations, but I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
Kelfla, be assured of my prayers. I havent posted in a while but your post really resonated with me. I was where you are 3 years ago when we found out I was pregnant with number 4. I know now that days 6 to 8 were fertile days but my cycle was usually a lot longer. I was expecting to ovulate around day 15 that cycle. looking back i think i didnt completely follow the rules that cycle-but it sounds like you were. It could be that you ovulated as expected or just slightly later and/or the ovum was still present for slightly longer. Its not easy to p(name removed by moderator)oint tho. Like one of the other poster DH and i stop on day 4 or 5 and follow the Billings advice for phase 3. I would recommend a fertility monitor tho as ive found it good for detecting the LH surge and it complements my other method. Its more expensive though but i dont know if there is any way in the US in you might be able to get some financial help with that through your diocese for example? All that being said, congratulations on the wonderful blessing God has bestowed on you in giving you the gift of motherhood. He will look after you.
Getting pregnant unexpectedly again for me changed my life in so many beautiful ways and it will be completely worth it xx
 
It seems overwhelming now of course. But you will make it through. I was 24, still in school, overseas and far away from home with three small children when I found out I was pregnant with #4. I was desperately unhappy and cried…for maybe a week. Then I just tried to wrap my mind around it and go on despite horrible morning sickness. My husband was constantly deployed and I had no family to help me through this time. It was just an awful time.
Then baby #4, my third son, was born. Of course, he was the one I doted on and he could do no wrong LOL. He’s a constant delight and now has two children of his own!
You WILL make it through this. Be strong and have a few prepared sentences for family/friends’ reactions. It won’t be pretty, but can be overcome.
And don’t feel bad about taking assistance. It is just while you are in school after all.
I will pray for you!
 
Congratulations on your new baby. I pray you have a safe and healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby person.

I have never used NFP. I had my tubes tied after my youngest was born. It was long before I felt the call to convert. So, take my musings with a grain of salt. 🙂

Is it possible you picked up some bug and being semi-sick messed with your temperature at a crucial time? Is it possible you saw signs of ovulation that you misinterpreted due to the temperature reading? I’ve read a lot of posts on the forum about surprise pregnancies and using a different method of NFP or combining methods. Is the version of NFP you use a combination method? If not, maybe try combining for more accuracy.

I’m sorry you’re so worried and I imagine stressed as well as disappointed about school. Have faith, Sister, you’ll get through. And you’ll have another beautiful baby to show for it! How exciting!

I almost envy you. Sure, you’re going through a hard time. But you are carrying a new life, proof of love between you and your husband. I wish I could do that again.
 
Xantippe said:
That seems like the most likely explanation.

The thing is, if you need 7 days early warning for ovulation, that really raises a lot of questions about Phase 1 for you, because 7 days is more than enough time to go from totally infertile to ovulation. **Somebody correct me, but I’ve heard that fertility monitors provide 5 days’ notice, which is good, but maybe not quite good enough for highly motivated people with the need for 7 days’ notice. **

Day 11 is also very early, although I have heard of Day 10 ovulation. (I was reading up on perimenopause recently, and apparently perimenopausal women sometimes manage 17 day cycles, which might even put ovulation even earlier for them.)

A consult with a teacher might be in order for postpartum to figure out what rules make the most sense for you going forward.
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OP, I’ve said prayers for you and wish you the best.

Xantippe: it may depend on which monitor you use. I’m not familiar with Ovuecue or Ladycomp. I’ve used the Marquette method for about six months now, though.

The thing about the MM is that the monitor–the Clearblue Fertility Monitor–is designed to help people get pregnant. It can still be used to help avoid, and DH and I are very happy with the MM. However, after a few cycles, it gets to know the user better by doing a better job of p(name removed by moderator)ointing ovulation. As a result, many users, once a few cycles have gone by, don’t even get a “high” reading; the monitor goes straight from “low” to “peak.” As such, it’s useless on its own for determining start of Phase II fertility unless it happens to catch an earlier “high” reading than it otherwise might have.*

To be fair, the MM doesn’t use the monitor except as a backup during Phase I/beginning of Phase II for determining fertility. Phase I is considered fertile starting on day 6 for the first six months, and after that, fertility is considered to begin 7 days prior to the earliest day of ovulation in the previous six cycles or when one sees a high on the monitor or fertile mucus, whichever comes first. This is not as effective as sticking solely to phase III, but it’s very, very close: this method is 98-99% effective when used as described, and I’d trade off that less-than-one-percent increase in likelihood of pregnancy for a bit more intimacy with my DH for now. Of course, others may want the extra security of only using Phase III, and that’s certainly their decision.

*If anyone is considering using the MM, please do NOT use this post as your sole source of information. Also, the postpartum protocol (which I was also very happy with) is quite different from what I’ve described above, though just about as effective (98% effective), so please go to Marquette’s website and forums to learn more about it before using it. 🙂 For what it’s worth, OP, I had a C-section with DD and so had a really good reason to avoid for at least 10-12 months as per my doctor. I did not find the MM postpartum protocol to be at all onerous except during my first full cycle, when the monitor (as sometimes happens) didn’t catch peak and we abstained for about a month. However, my cycles also didn’t return until I was 5 months postpartum even though I was only breastfeeding very partially, so YMMV.
 
Thank-you for the prayers. They are helping. I’ve come to comfortably accept a third baby now. Maybe I’m just in denial and still wishing this is just a dream and I’ll get my period soon. :rolleyes:

Hubby and I started tossing baby names around already.

To answer some questions and address a couple of comments. I really doubt I was feverish. Simply because I’m not sick at all and even if I was, I never get fevers. I’ve had countless UTIs and never became feverish, I even walked into an ER with an appendix that was about to burst and no fever, not even a low grade one.

The only NFP instructors in our diocese teach STM and after this issue with temping plus the craziness I have with post partem charting, I just don’t trust STM anymore. No one in our diocese teaches Creighton or billings. I would like to try the monitor and wanted to do the monitor after the last pregnancy but it’s just not in our budget. They are just too expensive for us. So I don’t know what to do now.

I can’t worry about it now. At the very least, if my cycles stay the same after this baby we could totally ignore all the signs and just completely cut out phase one and wait until cycle day 16 or even 17 to try and stay safe. I don’t think I have much of a phase one anyway.
 
Kelfa28 said:
No one in our diocese teaches Creighton or billings. I would like to try the monitor and wanted to do the monitor after the last pregnancy but it’s just not in our budget. They are just too expensive for us. So I don’t know what to do now.
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I used Billings for a couple of years and then backed it up with temping. So I combine.

I think Creighton and Billings are similar because they focus on observing cervical mucous. I found it very easy to learn Billings, and they have a great on-line support that includes instruction.
 
Kelfa28 said:
Thank-you for the prayers. They are helping. I’ve come to comfortably accept a third baby now. Maybe I’m just in denial and still wishing this is just a dream and I’ll get my period soon. :rolleyes:

Hubby and I started tossing baby names around already.

To answer some questions and address a couple of comments. I really doubt I was feverish. Simply because I’m not sick at all and even if I was, I never get fevers. I’ve had countless UTIs and never became feverish, I even walked into an ER with an appendix that was about to burst and no fever, not even a low grade one.

The only NFP instructors in our diocese teach STM and after this issue with temping plus the craziness I have with post partem charting, I just don’t trust STM anymore. No one in our diocese teaches Creighton or billings. I would like to try the monitor and wanted to do the monitor after the last pregnancy but it’s just not in our budget. They are just too expensive for us. So I don’t know what to do now.

I can’t worry about it now. At the very least, if my cycles stay the same after this baby we could totally ignore all the signs and just completely cut out phase one and wait until cycle day 16 or even 17 to try and stay safe. I don’t think I have much of a phase one anyway.
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I know the monitor is pricey. cringes I’m not sure what you could afford, but wanted to toss this out there in the interests of full disclosure: once you are cycling regularly and the monitor has gotten to know you, you will probably only use 10-12 sticks per month, which comes to around $20. However, before your cycles come back and if they’re erratic postpartum, you’ll be testing every. single. day. That will run $55-60/month.

One alternative might be to use cheap OPK strips instead of the monitor for the Marquette method, or as a backup to CM observations. The ones I use as backup (in case the monitor misses peak) are available on Amazon for about $30 for 80 test strips. Especially if you’re planning on using only Phase III, they might provide you with a bit more peace of mind. The monitor measures estrogen and luteinizing hormone, the latter of which is released into urine within a couple of days before ovulation. It won’t show “Peak” until LH appears in your urine. OPKs just test for LH.

ETA: LH can, however, be released by an egg that doesn’t ovulate, causing a false “early Peak,” and then you peak later that cycle. Mucus observations will help determine that, though, and as the MM is 98% effective if used per instructions, false Peaks are pretty rare…except in PP, when your body can try to ovulate several times over before it actually does. Gotta love how our bodies react post-baby, right? :rolleyes:

If I knew you in real life, this would be the point when I stop by your place with a bag of chocolate and a hug. As it is, I’ve said a prayer for you and wish you the very best. 🙂 (((hugs)))
 
Kelfa, it’s Ok honey everything will work out in time. Even during the darkest moments of worry God is right there with you. And in a year or two everything will seem so much easier to handle. I have overcome both cancer and a brain aneurysm in the period of 5 years and there were moments that I thought I couldn’t go on. But I did and my life is pretty awesome now. So see, you just hang on and life will get better. 🙂
 
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