Very hypothetical and curious about a something.

[1Tim215Mommy]

As a Protestant in a committed relationship with a Catholic, I’ve been informed about a thousand times that if he and I marry, he’s obligated to raise our children in the Catholic faith.

And please don’t explain to me why interfaith marriages are difficult and should be avoided if possible, because I’ve been told that a thousand times as well.

Knowing that he’s “obligated” to raise our children Catholic, what would happen if he didn’t? If he let me take them to my church because I, theoretically, believed that raising kids Catholic is the most effective way to ensure you’ve got rebellious kids? (I know it’s in the parenting, but I’m just giving a reason why I would possibly not let him raise them Catholic. I probably would.)

What if we took them to Mass until a certain age where we let them decide whether or not they wanted to continue? That would be a more realistic thing I’d propose for my children. Because forcing kids to go through a practice they do not like actually is effective for raising rebellious children. Would that be wrong, too?

What would happen if we did either of these things? Would he be asked to leave the Church? Would it be a mortal sin to let our children decide what to do?

I’m not an expert, but I believe it would be valid grounds for an annulment, for your husband to leave you at any point in the marriage and marry another woman if he had lied or conspired even with you, before marriage to you, to the Church by promising to raise them in the Church without any intent you actually do so. I also would think that any non-Catholic spouse would need to intend to do everything in their power to assist their Catholic spouse in raising their children Catholic. If a each member of a couple can’t come together and provide a united front on an issue which could have a direct impact where they or their children could spend all of eternity, then what can they ever agree on and ever if they could agree on temporal issues, what would it matter?

 

[ClearWater]

Well, the concern would probably be this. The Catholic Church expects people who label themselves as “Catholic” to raise their children Catholic, as you already know.

Okay, I can foresee one of at least two scenarios happening in your relationship. Scenario one would be that you marry, agree to allow your children to be raised Catholic, in which case, you would probably go to your church on weekends. He would take the kids to his. You would each head your separate ways with church.

Scenario two would be if you raise your children in your faith. In that scenario, you go to your church, taking your children with you while your husband goes to his, with this repeating every weekend.

Do you see how, either way it plays out, it automatically splits the family on a core issue?

Okay, for him to be considered a “good, practicing Catholic”, he would be expected to have his children baptized Catholic and taught the sacraments.

With regards to you, he would be expected not to have premarital sex, or use contraception.

If at a future point in your relationship, you were in some kind of situation, he might ask you if you would use Natural Family Planning rather than contraception. Contraception is considered a sin for us, moral, one we could go to hell for.

He would believe in the pope’s authority, go to a priest for all the sacraments. He might decide to have religious pictures, statues, say of the Blessed Virgin Mary, a crucifix at the house.

Before marriage, he would ask you to go to Catholic Marriage Preparation, Precana.

My understanding is that he’d be expected to avoid going to your church, and any other non-Catholic churches, unless it were, say, a wedding or funeral.

He wouldn’t believe in the changes in the Church, say, from Martin Luther, like Sola Scriptura, Sola Fide, etc.

Now, as to waiting to children reach an age of reason before beginning to teach them faith and morality is not something I would recommend. If you wait too long, children aren’t as receptive, moldable or pliable. Like, try teaching a teenager about faith or anything! Teaching faith MUST be done while children are small, or it generally doesn’t “take” very well.

In your post, it concerned me that you thought that teaching your children his faith would make them rebellious. Even if you, as a couple, decide to allow you to raise them in your faith, his example would still be Catholic. So half of you, as a couple, is Catholic.

If you have your family, friends, your church friends over to your house, what will their reaction be to your home if it has Catholic items? A crucifix, statue of the Blessed Virgin, rosary? Would this cause tension?

In answer to your question about whether it’d be a moral sin to let them decide what to do at a later age? Yes, I think so, since the Church says they are to be baptized, taught, and if they aren’t baptized, aren’t taught and left to decide, I think that would go against Catholic Church’s teachings. Yes, I would consider that a mortal sin.

Would the Church ask you to leave if you let your children decide? Of course not. People do that. From times I’ve seen people use that method, I don’t think it works, because at what age will they decide? 10? 15? 18? At those ages, their cerebral cortex (controls judgment) still isn’t developed. So, ideally, someone who has a fully mature brain needs to guide them in some way in the meantime, teach them right from wrong in some fashion or other, because they will need to know that, even very young…that it’s not okay to steal, lie.

They need to know, from little to honor and obey their parents, say, to honor and love God.

The reason they need to know to honor their father and mother, is because that will be where they learn how to respect parents, but also ALL other authority, teachers, police officers, etc.

Anyway, ultimately, only you can decide how you want to raise your children…you, and your husband, that is. It’s your decision, but I have sometimes heard Protestants, especially, who have married someone not of their faith refer to their other half as being what they call “unevenly yoked”.

I imagine you will consider all this and make your decision. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. God bless you!

 

[robwar]

Hi Kara:

I don’t know if this site is authoritative, but it seems to answer your question:

catholicexchange.com/do-catholics-have-to-raise-their-children-as-catholics

My wife is Protestant. We don’t have children, so raising children as Catholic is not an issue for us.

According to the article, the Catholic person is the only one obligated to raise his / her children as Catholics, but not at the expense of the marriage.

A priest could give a better answer.

A mixed marriage has not been a big deal for us. I like Protestant speakers, as well as Catholic speakers.

I listened to Joyce Meyer this morning.

Good luck.

I just read the link and the article does not suggest what your are implying here. a is obligated to raise their children in the Catholic faith.

 

[KaraGordon]

Kara,
I was married to a Protestant and he agreed to let me raise our children in the Catholic faith. They went to Catholic Mass and Catholic school but they also attended some of his services sometimes. But I made sure they received all their sacraments. I fulfilled my obligations. They are now adults and do what they want. But I have to say that I really don’t think Xantippe is being rude to you. He is only trying to help you. In fact I think you were being quite rude to him. You are still young and have a lot of time to decide what to do. I won’t lie to you. Being married to someone of a different faith is difficult. It can be done but it is not easy. I wish you and your boyfriend all the luck in the world.

Yeah well you don’t do that by acting superior and TELLING SOMEONE THEY NEED THERAPY. That’s just…gah. Find something better do do in your spare time than telling random teenagers on the internet that they’re stupid and need psychological intervention.

 

[KaraGordon]

Everyone who’s replying to this please stop wasting your time I am done here.

 

[Xantippe]

KaraGordon said:

“I am in therapy so shut the hell up just stop”

It’s fantastic that you are in therapy.

“That’s really offensive of you to even say but rest assured i know I’m a mental case so get off of my case”

Why is it offensive? One of my close relatives is a mental health professional and I know quite a number of people with mental health issues in real life (as does pretty much everybody), some of them quite lovely people. A huge number of women suffer depression at some point–I just saw a stat saying that there’s a lifetime risk of 1 in 5 for women, which actually seems low to me. (One of my close friends just got out of a terrifying case of postpartum depression.) There’s nothing to be ashamed of, anymore than getting a flu shot should be a matter of shame.

maryjk said:

“First you seem to have some very interesting reasons that cause “rebellious children.” Forcing kids to go through a practice they do not like? You mean, like the practice of bathing? Or the practice of attending school? Or the practice of attending Mass??”

Yeah. With my oldest, when she was a 3-year-old going to preschool (!), she yelled “I hate school!” non-stop every single morning and she did more or less the same the next year and then for the next several years until around 3rd grade (!), she often had to be stuffed into her clothes and dragged to the car for school. (She’s mildly autistic, which is why this went on so long.)

Likewise, even now that our oldest is a 6th grader, we have huge “discussions” about why she needs to eat at least three meals a day and why she needs to eat lots of veggies and fruit, and less starch and meat. We’ve recently won the battle on sweets–after several years of non-stop lawyering for sweets, she has finally assimilated the fact that if she has too many sweets, she’s going to get fat. We also have faced many years of resistance to exercise, but I think we are also making progress there.

Never, in all that time, has church been as big a battle as school and food and physical activity have been. I realize the teen years are still ahead, but so far, so good. It probably helps a lot that around here, EVERYBODY goes to church, although there aren’t that many Catholics. The Baptists set us all a good example, though!

KaraGordon said:

“Bathing - necessary health behavior
School - necessary practice to ensure a future for children
Catholicism - religion.”

Don’t you as a Christian see the practice of your faith as being as important as your career or your physical health?

“But not forcing a child, say, in their teens, to attend religious services they’re dead against is not “allowing children to raise themselves”, it’s allowing them to make life choices and not smothering them and forcing.”

I would not demand that my children be confirmed or do any extra Catholic activities that they did not believe in as teenagers, but I would insist on their physical presence at weekly Mass and at confirmation classes and CCD as long as they lived under our parental roof. I would not insist if the child were of driving age and had embraced some other Christian tradition and were going to church elsewhere or was actually volunteering downtown at a soup kitchen, but no child of mine who is eating our food and living under our roof is going to routinely sit at home in their pjs on Sunday playing Minecraft and looking at naughty websites while the rest of the family is in church. And that exception for another church or for volunteering would probably only be for 16-year-olds and up–I would tell a 14-year-old to wait.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to force older children/teens to do things if they’re clearly going to resent their parents for forcing them.”

Kids resent lots of stuff. I certainly resented it that my mom made me do dishes practically every night, not to mention the housecleaning marathons we used to do on Saturdays. I think she could have managed the dish crisis better (I probably would have done some other task with less fuss), but you can’t go into parenthood thinking you’re never going to have your kids resent you. If your kids don’t occasionally resent you, you’re probably not doing your job.

 

[robwar]

Everyone who’s replying to this please stop wasting your time I am done here.

Kara, at 19 you are not ready for marriage.

 

[KaraGordon]

Kara, at 19 you are not ready for marriage.

Oh wow really I had no idea being in college and all I thought I was super ready

the title of the thread states SUPER HYPOTHETICAL

 

[runningdude]

As a Protestant in a committed relationship with a Catholic, I’ve been informed about a thousand times that if he and I marry, he’s obligated to raise our children in the Catholic faith.

And please don’t explain to me why interfaith marriages are difficult and should be avoided if possible, because I’ve been told that a thousand times as well.

Knowing that he’s “obligated” to raise our children Catholic, what would happen if he didn’t? If he let me take them to my church because I, theoretically, believed that raising kids Catholic is the most effective way to ensure you’ve got rebellious kids? (I know it’s in the parenting, but I’m just giving a reason why I would possibly not let him raise them Catholic. I probably would.)

As a Catholic, your husband believes the Catholic Church is the one true faith, to the exclusion of all other faiths. Believing this faithfully, it would be illogical not to raise his children Catholic.

What if we took them to Mass until a certain age where we let them decide whether or not they wanted to continue? That would be a more realistic thing I’d propose for my children. Because forcing kids to go through a practice they do not like actually is effective for raising rebellious children. Would that be wrong, too?

Kids also don’t like getting shots at the doctors. Sometimes parents must insist on things that are good for their kids.

What would happen if we did either of these things? Would he be asked to leave the Church? Would it be a mortal sin to let our children decide what to do?

Who exactly would be paying attention? No body would ask him to “leave” the church. Rather, you would be setting your husband up for a crisis of conscience. Kids absolutely emulate the faith of their parents; if they see their father as ignoring his faith they are likely to ignore faith altogether. He may not admit it, but you would be setting him up for a life time of holding his tongue and regret for not following through and raising them in his faith.

As his future spouse, I hope you take his emotional and spiritual well being seriously.

 

[KaraGordon]

KaraGordon said:

“I am in therapy so shut the hell up just stop”

It’s fantastic that you are in therapy.

“That’s really offensive of you to even say but rest assured i know I’m a mental case so get off of my case”

Why is it offensive? One of my close relatives is a mental health professional and I know quite a number of people with mental health issues in real life (as does pretty much everybody), some of them quite lovely people. A huge number of women suffer depression at some point–I just saw a stat saying that there’s a lifetime risk of 1 in 5 for women, which actually seems low to me. (One of my close friends just got out of a terrifying case of postpartum depression.) There’s nothing to be ashamed of, anymore than getting a flu shot should be a matter of shame.

I am well aware that it isn’t anything to be ashamed of. You said I need therapy before I mentioned I am currently in therapy.

You need to stop getting some kind of enjoyment out of telling teenagers on forums that they need psychological help because they’re being belligerent and you’re not helping by being arrogant and superior.

Please, please, please stop replying. You’re not getting anywhere with your responses to me because you’ve already shown me all I’m going to get is judgement and insult.

Stop. You’re not being anyone’s saving grace or guiding light. You. Are. Not. Helping.

 

[ClearWater]

If your kids don’t occasionally resent you, you’re probably not doing your job.

Agreed.

I have one friend of mine who has 8 children, youngest with Down’s Syndrome. Anyway, I KNOW she loves ALL her kids, cares, but she does insist they do certain things. Sometimes, this makes her unpopular, for at least a time. She once told me that if you’re doing parenting correctly, your kids will think you’re a “meanie” much of the time!

Anyway, I don’t have any children of my own. However, I have taught school, a bunch of teenagers! Talk about resistance! I’ve also done a little babysitting. I have 10 brothers and sisters and I don’t know how many nieces in nephews.

So, I can only speak by watching what I’ve seen, but I have more objectivity, since I am often not emotionally involved.

I once had some students of mine, adults in the US, who were very liberal. They believed they didn’t want to impose ANYTHING on their kids. Their boys walked around the house, even into rather advanced ages …in their underwear!

The mother got breast surgery and said her kids were going to notice, since they all went around naked, too.

I asked about religion, and they said they were going to let their kids decide at some future time, if, and what they wanted to believe.

In the meantime, their kids seemed to have NO moral guidance whatsoever. One of their kids was struggling in school, and I was called in to tutor him. I think he was failing a class if I remember right, having lots of trouble and NEEDED help, badly!

He would lay out on the floor, and they didn’t want to force him to do…anything. We ultimately decided I wouldn’t tutor him, because he decided, even at…whatever age he was, 5 y.o. what was good for him!

So, sometimes, I’ve seen kids, I kid you not, 5 y.o. telling the parents what to do!

When you ultimately do have kids, if you allow them to decide, you will regret that. Well, they will not want to…get injections, go to the doctor, go to school, go to church, obey you, obey your husband, obey the teachers, obey rules.

You MUST set some kind of limits on them. Kids do not yet have the maturity to decide, yet. If they decide, their decisions will …not be very good. They need your help and guidance. Help them!

You MUST teach them…to respect you and your (future) husband, to obey you and your husband, the teachers. Teach them about God. Teach them the commandments. Please.

All the differences between you, us, your husband, on faith aside, it is VERY important you teach them AND from little! Please. You may not see why, now, but one day, you will.

Ask parents. Ask teachers. You will see what I mean.

 

[KaraGordon]

As a Catholic, your husband believes the Catholic Church is the one true faith, to the exclusion of all other faiths. Believing this faithfully, it would be illogical not to raise his children Catholic.

Kids also don’t like getting shots at the doctors. Sometimes parents must insist on things that are good for their kids.

Who exactly would be paying attention? No body would ask him to “leave” the church. Rather, you would be setting your husband up for a crisis of conscience. Kids absolutely emulate the faith of their parents; if they see their father as ignoring his faith they are likely to ignore faith altogether. He may not admit it, but you would be setting him up for a life time of holding his tongue and regret for not following through and raising them in his faith.

As his future spouse, I hope you take his emotional and spiritual well being seriously.

I just said I would raise them Catholic, the situation was hypothetical, I was CURIOUS as to the repercussions of not doing so.

Excuse me I ever wanted to ask for clarification.

And yes I take his emotional and spiritual well-being seriously.

 

[Xantippe]

KaraGordon said:

“Stop. You’re not being anyone’s saving grace or guiding light. You. Are. Not. Helping.”

You keep saying you’re done, and yet you’re still here.

What are you looking for?

 

[KaraGordon]

Would you find a different hobby than upsetting teenage girls online?

 

[ClearWater]

Issues of religion will not seem like they are important right now. However, in the future, they will usually start to become more important, especially after children are involved.

I think it was my father who used to say to consider anybody we date as a future marriage partner.

Were I to want to date someone, I would look for someone of my same faith. That would actually be non-negotiable. I would not even start to date someone of a different faith for fear I’d fall in love, want to marry and then have all these additional complications over religion.

For me, my faith is the most important thing to me. I would compromise on other matters but not this one. If I couldn’t find a man who was a good, practicing Catholic, I wouldn’t date.

That’s how important I consider this issue.

 

[robwar]

Oh wow really I had no idea being in college and all I thought I was super ready

the title of the thread states SUPER HYPOTHETICAL

Kara, whether your were being “hypthetical” or not, you have had rather nasty resonses to just about everyone on this thread. Sorry but 19 is too young and in college and even though you think at 19 you know it all (I have a 19 year old myself), you don’t. It is better to ask honest up front questions than so called hypothetical ones which then enable you to give rather not so nice responses back. Hypothetical questions are usually based on some sort of reality and the reality seems to be that you are dating a Catholic, thinking of marriage and seem to be uncomfortable with raising the children Catholic. If you really feel this way then brake it off and move on. Your youth and apparant attitudes are working against you. A mature person can take advise whether they like it or not. An immature person couches their questions in vague “hypothetical” and then gets mad and smarts off when the obvious is pointed out. If you were dating my son, I would encourage him to brake it off and move on.

 

[robwar]

Issues of religion will not seem like they are important right now. However, in the future, they will usually start to become more important, especially after children are involved.

I think it was my father who used to say to consider anybody we date as a future marriage partner.

Were I to want to date someone, I would look for someone of my same faith. That would actually be non-negotiable. I would not even start to date someone of a different faith for fear I’d fall in love, want to marry and then have all these additional complications over religion.

For me, my faith is the most important thing to me. I would compromise on other matters but not this one. If I couldn’t find a man who was a good, practicing Catholic, I wouldn’t date.

That’s how important I consider this issue.

you are very wise!

 

[KaraGordon]

Kara, whether your were being “hypthetical” or not, you have had rather nasty resonses to just about everyone on this thread. Sorry but 19 is too young and in college and even though you think at 19 you know it all (I have a 19 year old myself), you don’t. It is better to ask honest up front questions than so called hypothetical ones which then enable you to give rather not so nice responses back. Hypothetical questions are usually based on some sort of reality and the reality seems to be that you are dating a Catholic, thinking of marriage and seem to be uncomfortable with raising the children Catholic. If you really feel this way then brake it off and move on. Your youth and apparant attitudes are working against you. A mature person can take advise whether they like it or not. An immature person couches their questions in vague “hypothetical” and then gets mad and smarts off when the obvious is pointed out. If you were dating my son, I would encourage him to brake it off and move on.

Because you know me. Truly.
That’s not exactly something to tell random strangers on the internet. Random teenage girls who are clearly confused and upset over their circumstances. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, lashes out unless they’re hurt.

Only person I’ve responded to is you and the guy who told me I need therapy.

Because all belligerent teens are mentally ill, right?

I did take the advice and posted a calmer response earlier, stating that I apologized I had made such rash statements.

 

[Cricket2]

As a Protestant in a committed relationship with a Catholic, I’ve been informed about a thousand times that if he and I marry, he’s obligated to raise our children in the Catholic faith.

And please don’t explain to me why interfaith marriages are difficult and should be avoided if possible, because I’ve been told that a thousand times as well.

Knowing that he’s “obligated” to raise our children Catholic, what would happen if he didn’t? If he let me take them to my church because I, theoretically, believed that raising kids Catholic is the most effective way to ensure you’ve got rebellious kids? (I know it’s in the parenting, but I’m just giving a reason why I would possibly not let him raise them Catholic. I probably would.)

What if we took them to Mass until a certain age where we let them decide whether or not they wanted to continue? That would be a more realistic thing I’d propose for my children. Because forcing kids to go through a practice they do not like actually is effective for raising rebellious children. Would that be wrong, too?

What would happen if we did either of these things? Would he be asked to leave the Church? Would it be a mortal sin to let our children decide what to do?

I know of several families who have or will be going through this. The vast majority have decided to expose their children too both faiths. None of them discuss their choice with their respective Pastors or Priests.

I don’t think anyone would be thrown out of Church, but I could be wrong. I think most people go ahead and agree to the stipulations of the Church, but still try to expose their children to both Faiths. I know of such a family, all their children went to Catholic Church, received Communion and went to Confession. Still, they always had open discussion about the other parents beliefs, as well as many other Faiths.

If I would have married and had children I would have wanted them to be Catholic, but if my husband (never had one) was of another faith I would have allowed for the children to learn about his beliefs as well. It seems contradictory perhaps, but I have never felt threatened by learning about other faiths and belief systems. That knowledge does not mean I will fall away from my faith, but gives me a greater understanding of it.

 

[TRH1292]

The tone of this thread is out of control and well outside the bounds of love/charity.