Very Negative Husband

[Rachel_1]

Ok.

sigh
The mafia didn’t bother your husband??? What? What kind of mafia were you invloved with? The care bears mafia? They don’t go after just you but also the people you love and the people THEY love. They mess with people’s minds & egos. One of my good friends was on a fedral grand joury and he tells me how people often don’t know just how far the harrassment and threats went. So very likely someone DID say or do something to your husband. Especally if it caused a major shift in his behavior. People don’t have severe behavoral changes over minor things.

First off, you don’t know anything about my case, nor what I’ve been through. My dad was murdered in cold blood, along with his best friend who was like my uncle and another women, when I was 13 yrs old. I found out about the murders from the TV, not the police, not my mom, or any “normal” way of finding out… I was watching cartoons and the news broke in. Do you know how traumatic that was to me?
My husband and I talked this over before I ever started the investigation. He was fine with me doing this, he knew there some involved were mafia, he was well aware and gave me the go ahead.
The mafia involved has never spoken to him, in any way, or he would have told me this and I would have made sure we were safe, as I have done already.
Care bears mafia?? get real.
I know how the mafia works (more than someone that was on a federal grand jury), I’ve just recently put one of the hit men in jail. I’m not stupid, and I don’t appreciate you implying that I am.
When everything with my case does come out publicly (which it can’t right now because of the trial that will be held since I can’t talk about evidence) I think people will realize I’m not stupid, and I know quite a bit more information than you think I do.
In replying to my questions and comments, I would appreciate a more non judgmental approach.

 

[Rachel_1]

From what you have stated here, both marriages to living men are invalid due to lack of form. You will not need a full blown investigation of validity by the tribunal.

Your RCIA director will assist you in getting that paperwork done.

The fact then is that you are living with a man who is not your husband.

You have 3 choices:

Separate from him.

Live together as brother and sister.

Marry him - officially, in the Church.

I appreciate your comment, but I don’t understand how husband #4 (current) is not valid? The two marriages before husband #1 passed would have been invalid (2003), and husband #4 was in 2005 so wouldn’t that make it valid?
Also, someone earlier stated I shouldn’t have my current marriage blessed in the church until I know what’s going to happen with it and just leave it “civil” for now.
Thanks in advance for your clarification
Just to note- I’m not looking for a way around the ‘rules’ to justify any of the marriages. When all of this stuff is filed, I’m going to be completely honest and accept the final ruling.
Wait… I just re-read what you wrote before hitting submit…
Are you saying, that husband #4 isn’t valid due to lack of form because we weren’t married in the church? If that is the case, with all this stuff going on with us right now, that would mean living as brother/sister until we are married in the church, which would maybe help us “start over”… maybe I’m reading this wrong?
clarify please
Thanks again.

 

[kage_ar]

Yep - as a baptized Catholic you were required to be married in the Church or get a dispensation to marry outside of it.

The two living men are the two to focus on.

Since you did not marry either of them in the Church, and if you did not apply for a dispensation from form to marry outside the Church, neither was valid. You simply need to fill out the “defect of form” paperwork (your advocate can get that for you).

Yes, you would need to live with your civil husband as brother and sister until you are validly married.

 

[Rachel_1]

Yep - as a baptized Catholic you were required to be married in the Church or get a dispensation to marry outside of it.

The two living men are the two to focus on.

Since you did not marry either of them in the Church, and if you did not apply for a dispensation from form to marry outside the Church, neither was valid. You simply need to fill out the “defect of form” paperwork (your advocate can get that for you).

Yes, you would need to live with your civil husband as brother and sister until you are validly married.

haha does this mean I can pick on him like I did my brother
j/k
We had a talk today btw, after the “carebear mafia” comment. He said he’s never once been threatened or approached by anyone mafia like, he just isn’t interested in my case in the slightest.
The talk became quite tense, because of course it got into how he’s been treating everyone… same ole, same ole… he kept bringing everything back to his wants and ignoring the fact that others have wants/needs too. I think I laid it out pretty clear to him so hopefully, this time, it will sink in… we’ll see.
I even mentioned maybe seperating for a bit… I told him that he seems really unhappy and maybe seperating for a bit would help him be happy again. He twisted what I said around though…then I mentioned counseling and he flat out refused. ~sigh~

 

[Rachel_1]

Ok so at RCIA tonight I mentioned some of what was said here. I was told that it is possible that all of my marriages were invalid because of lack of form, but that we need the experts to determine that (by filing the annulment), and that the only way I can receive communion is to have my current marriage blessed, even if it’s bad.
Over the next few weeks though, we should be meeting with the priest to go over all of this in more detail.

 

[flyingfish]

No, nothing against him, just me. The only thing that affected him was that we had guys peeking in our window in the living room/kitchen area, and my daughter bedroom. He didn’t see any of this, and the police took care of it.

Before I started the investigation we had a talk and I asked him if he was ok with it… he said he was. I didn’t approach him and say “I’m going to do this” we actually talked about it, and he seemed fine with it, and seemed supportive for about the first month.

Maybe that’s what it is, resentment. I’ve asked him several times if he wants to leave (not in a mean way) because I saw over a year ago that he was acting like this because of the investigation. I tried gently talking with him, and expressing myself in a loving way to try to understand what’s going on in his head. None of it worked.
Honestly, he knew going into this that there were dangers involved (obviously), he said in the beginning that I should do this, it was a joint decision between both of us. I wouldn’t just go “bring the mafia into his life” like that.

It takes an unusually stable kind of person to be able to go through this.

I can tell you that I would have literally lost my sanity if I had mafia peeking into my windows at night. I would probably have ended up in the hospital for mentally ill people and pumped full of drugs just to keep from falling apart.

Maybe your husband has post traumatic stress disorder, or some other kind of mental disorder as a result of this.

Do you talk to him about this?

 

[mrpathetic]

You have 3 choices:

Separate from him.

Live together as brother and sister.

Marry him - officially, in the Church.

And if you chose options 2 or 3, please start by setting healthy boundaries in your relationship. Please do not let him commit adultery, and simply let him exploit and humiliate you.

If he does this again, then leave. You don’t necessarily have to divorce, but leave. Leave until he agrees to live as husband and wife. When he agrees to live that way, then you can return.

You should leave it as his choice. Do not be demanding or controlling. Give him the option. He can chose you, or the other women in his life. If he choses the other women, do not stay.

 

[mrpathetic]

Yep - as a baptized Catholic you were required to be married in the Church or get a dispensation to marry outside of it.

The two living men are the two to focus on.

Since you did not marry either of them in the Church, and if you did not apply for a dispensation from form to marry outside the Church, neither was valid. You simply need to fill out the “defect of form” paperwork (your advocate can get that for you).

Yes, you would need to live with your civil husband as brother and sister until you are validly married.

The second marriage could also be nullified by the Previous Bond rule. But yes, the most obvious way to annul both marriages is Defect of Form, due to the lack of lack of a priest/deacon/bishop as the witness. See the article here:

staycatholic.com/annulment.htm

But of course, if you really want to stay with your current husband, you can still have your marriage convalidated.

Ultimately, this going to boil down to your choices, Rachel. No one here can make them for you. But my recommendation still stands:

1. Have your previous marriage annulled;
2. Give your current husband one more chance, to remain faithful to yet. Set healthy boundaries, to keep him from damaging you emotionally, spiritually, physically, spiritually. Buy the Cloud and Townsend book I recommended to you previously.
3. If he can remain faithful for you, for whatever amount of time you decide, have the marriage convalidated by the Church.

And finally:

1. Do whatever it takes, to find justice for your father. Work within the bounds of the law, but pursue justice, no matters what it takes.

I too lost my father, due to an act of blood. But he committed suicide. A person who commits suicide murders himself. But there is no real justice for what happens, under Man’s Law. (There can be justice under God’s Law, and I hope our Lord is merciful, with your father, and mine.)

**But your father’s killers are still out do. Do whatever it takes, to bring justice for your father. And for the other fathers whose lives were snuffed out by these men. And hopefully, save the lives of the fathers who these men will kill, if they are not stopped. **

 

[Rachel_1]

The second marriage could also be nullified by the Previous Bond rule. But yes, the most obvious way to annul both marriages is Defect of Form, due to the lack of lack of a priest/deacon/bishop as the witness. See the article here:

staycatholic.com/annulment.htm

But of course, if you really want to stay with your current husband, you can still have your marriage convalidated.

Ultimately, this going to boil down to your choices, Rachel. No one here can make them for you. But my recommendation still stands:

1. Have your previous marriage annulled;
2. Give your current husband one more chance, to remain faithful to yet. Set healthy boundaries, to keep him from damaging you emotionally, spiritually, physically, spiritually. Buy the Cloud and Townsend book I recommended to you previously.
3. If he can remain faithful for you, for whatever amount of time you decide, have the marriage convalidated by the Church.

And finally:

1. Do whatever it takes, to find justice for your father. Work within the bounds of the law, but pursue justice, no matters what it takes.

I too lost my father, due to an act of blood. But he committed suicide. A person who commits suicide murders himself. But there is no real justice for what happens, under Man’s Law. (There can be justice under God’s Law, and I hope our Lord is merciful, with your father, and mine.)

**But your father’s killers are still out do. Do whatever it takes, to bring justice for your father. And for the other fathers whose lives were snuffed out by these men. And hopefully, save the lives of the fathers who these men will kill, if they are not stopped. **

I will get that book, and I know this is my decision only.
Thanks to this thread, my husband and I are ‘sort of’ talking again lol. It’s a start at least. I let him know yesterday that I can’t let his negativity and rudeness drag me down, and that’s why I just stay quiet. I know that our problems aren’t just him, it’s both of us… kind of like a cycle. He gets rude and negative, I withdraw, which makes him get worse… somehow we have to put an end to the cycle, I just don’t know how.
As far as the cheating goes, yea, if he ever does it again, I’m done.
We talked again last night about counseling, he’s just dead set against it ~sigh~ He said as a last resort he would go to it, and Iet him know we are about at a last resort now.
I guess one day at a time huh…

 

[Rachel_1]

It takes an unusually stable kind of person to be able to go through this.

I can tell you that I would have literally lost my sanity if I had mafia peeking into my windows at night. I would probably have ended up in the hospital for mentally ill people and pumped full of drugs just to keep from falling apart.

Maybe your husband has post traumatic stress disorder, or some other kind of mental disorder as a result of this.

Do you talk to him about this?

Yea, I agree.
Others that have done the same as me in investigating this have lost it, maybe you’re right and maybe he has some PTSD or something. I dunno.
I know that he doesn’t and hasn’t wanted to know ANYTHING about the case at all, maybe that was his protection from losing it more ~shrug~ I dunno, I’m not a counselor

 

[Rachel_1]

And finally:

1. Do whatever it takes, to find justice for your father. Work within the bounds of the law, but pursue justice, no matters what it takes.

I too lost my father, due to an act of blood. But he committed suicide. A person who commits suicide murders himself. But there is no real justice for what happens, under Man’s Law. (There can be justice under God’s Law, and I hope our Lord is merciful, with your father, and mine.)

**But your father’s killers are still out do. Do whatever it takes, to bring justice for your father. And for the other fathers whose lives were snuffed out by these men. And hopefully, save the lives of the fathers who these men will kill, if they are not stopped. **

I’m sorry about your dad. I think if my dad had killed himself, it may have been worse for me than what I’ve went through because I wouldn’t have any way to work through it all like I am now.
Doing whatever it takes to find justice in my case I think has hurt my marriage. But this is something I have to do, not only for myself, but many others. If you knew the whole story, you’d understand.
Not only has this investigation been healing to me, but there are two other families that need resolution as well. Then you get into others that have investigated my case and have been murdered in doing so, their families need resolution as well. Then get into the motive for the murders and that involves all sorts of things that have affected not only the US but other countries (it involves spy type stuff and my dad and his best friend trying to stop it because people were dying).
When I first started the investigation I never thought one person could make a difference in all of this, but God has been with me this whole way helping, and in the process led me to the church as well.
When I say God has been with me, I actually mean that… things have happened that have shown me beyond a shadow of doubt that God has been involved in helping me, down to receiving emails from witnesses that have been ‘missing’ or ‘hidden’ for years suddenly emailing me saying “I think God wants me to help you”, this happened multiple times, with multiple witnesses.
So it’s been a weird thing for me to grasp all of this, coming from a pagan type lifestyle… then feeling like I have to choose between what I believe God has chosen me to do and my husband. It got to a point where I felt that I didn’t want to stand before God when I die and say “well, sorry, I couldn’t do what you wanted because my husband decided to be a jerk.”
All that being said, I can’t take full credit for all of this, I have to give the credit to God, because if God wasn’t helping, we wouldn’t have this first arrest, and the investigation would still be stalled like it has been for the last 28 years.

------
-here’s part of one of the emails I received 1 1/2 yrs ago-
Delving in the Labyrinth can damage the psyche. Like an apple in a barrel. Glad I got out while my mind and integrity were still in tact.

I believe God is protecting you. You are doing this for purposes of good.

It is/was my belief in God that guides me in my attempt to help you.
------
I found out later (about a month ago when telling them that I started going to church and joined RCIA) that this witness is Catholic, but hasn’t been to church in a LONG time. This witness, because of my now going to church, is wanting to go back to church, but they are nervous to because it’s been so long. We have made a plan that I will go with them so they can start going back to church every week.

 

[Rachel_1]

No related to my issues with my husband… but I need immediate prayer for safety. This has to do with my case.
The mafia hit man we just arrested was given bail today by a not so smart judge (I was told there would not be bail at all). Due to what I’ve done in the investigation theres a very good chance he’ll come after me.
Please please pray for our safety.

 

[mrpathetic]

You will be in our prayers.

And we must pray somehow for this “hitman” person, even though that may seem nonsense under these circumstances. We must pray for his repentance, and for him to turn away from a life of sin and violence. That appears to be the only way out, for all of us. It is the only way for you to come out of a life of fear. And it is the only way for this hitman to come off the road to Hell.

And please - help that other witness to come back to Christ. I know that may be difficult under these circumstances. But this person needs your help, just as you need ours.

 

[kage_ar]

Prayers