Very sad and alone - How do I know what God wants for me?

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lovedance4ever

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I was handling stress fairly well until an incident that happened today, after which I had a bit of a breakdown.

One of my guy friends (from India, not that it makes a difference) was talking to me today and knowing that my sister is in town, asked for me to send some of the pictures I had taken during her visit. I saw absolutely no harm at all in it; that is what friends do, and he is always sending me pictures of his family. At any rate, I sent him a very lovely picture of my sister. And what was his response? He told me that she is prettier than I am.

I already have an extremely low self-esteem, and I have always felt one down by my sister. Granted, she is a gorgeous woman both on the inside and out. But this hit me deeply, and the hurt I feel right now is horrible. Today while my sister and her family were over, I ended up having to go out to my car where I cried for at least an hour. I hate it…I never cry. I am always the strong one in my family. I know it sounds like I am always complaining and upset from what I post on here, but do understand that this is basically the only place where I express my feelings. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I seem like such a happy person. I deserve an Oscar.

I’ve always suspected that guys think I am ugly, and this just confirmed it for me. And you see, what I want now is to no longer desire a relationship. I will just keep getting hurt if the past 19 years of my life are any indication of what the future holds for me. But at the same time, I want so badly to be married one day. How can things look up when so much bad has happened? I have not even written about everything that has happened lately because I am too tired at the moment to type it all down.

I have so much anger inside of me right now I do not know what to do. Everything that has happened to me, all the bullying, crying, fear, uncertainty, etc., is surfacing, and quite frankly, I do not know how much more I can take. Lately, I have found that I do not care about my well-being…I would never actively harm myself, but I simply do not care what happens to me anymore. I hate this world. So many people are judgmental and are only willing to be your friend so long as they benefit in some way. I have no real friends. I am sick of being alone, being on the outside, and watching all of these girls happily in relationships while I sit on the side wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe God does not intend for me to be married? But how do I know for sure? Is this His way of telling me?

I apologize for being all over the place. I am very tired and today has been frustrating to say the least. Please remember me in your prayers. And also, I would appreciate some advice if you have the time.
 
lovedance4ever said:
I was handling stress fairly well until an incident that happened today, after which I had a bit of a breakdown.

One of my guy friends (from India, not that it makes a difference) was talking to me today and knowing that my sister is in town, asked for me to send some of the pictures I had taken during her visit. I saw absolutely no harm at all in it; that is what friends do, and he is always sending me pictures of his family. At any rate, I sent him a very lovely picture of my sister. And what was his response? He told me that she is prettier than I am.

I already have an extremely low self-esteem, and I have always felt one down by my sister. Granted, she is a gorgeous woman both on the inside and out. But this hit me deeply, and the hurt I feel right now is horrible. Today while my sister and her family were over, I ended up having to go out to my car where I cried for at least an hour. I hate it…I never cry. I am always the strong one in my family. I know it sounds like I am always complaining and upset from what I post on here, but do understand that this is basically the only place where I express my feelings. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I seem like such a happy person. I deserve an Oscar.

I’ve always suspected that guys think I am ugly, and this just confirmed it for me. And you see, what I want now is to no longer desire a relationship. I will just keep getting hurt if the past 19 years of my life are any indication of what the future holds for me. But at the same time, I want so badly to be married one day. How can things look up when so much bad has happened? I have not even written about everything that has happened lately because I am too tired at the moment to type it all down.

I have so much anger inside of me right now I do not know what to do. Everything that has happened to me, all the bullying, crying, fear, uncertainty, etc., is surfacing, and quite frankly, I do not know how much more I can take. Lately, I have found that I do not care about my well-being…I would never actively harm myself, but I simply do not care what happens to me anymore. I hate this world. So many people are judgmental and are only willing to be your friend so long as they benefit in some way. I have no real friends. I am sick of being alone, being on the outside, and watching all of these girls happily in relationships while I sit on the side wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe God does not intend for me to be married? But how do I know for sure? Is this His way of telling me?

I apologize for being all over the place. I am very tired and today has been frustrating to say the least. Please remember me in your prayers. And also, I would appreciate some advice if you have the time.
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I will pray for you. I know what it feels like to feel like no one finds you ‘beautiful’. But what exactly is ‘beautiful’? It’s in the eye of the beholder. To me, everyone is beautiful. Because every single human being is unique with its own character of heart & soul. That is the way God sees you. We are all different, and the world would be a very boring place is everyone looked the same.
 
I just visited your profile and saw your picture. You have nothing to worry about, dear. You’re a good-looking young lady. Many men out there would feel lucky to find someone like you, me included. I on the other hand couldn’t get a date if I tried, but this isn’t about me. Don’t be down on yourself. You are very blessed. God bless you.

gabriel
 
Hi! I guess a lot of people are superficial - only looking on the outside. If you are genuinely not happy with your appearance - why not improve it to your satisfaction? So then you know that if anyone ever criticises it is their problem and not yours. Its about how you see yourself, and you are entitled to meet your own expectations regarding your appearance. Maybe on some level, you don’t think you are attractive and therefore you need to make yourself attractive to you! and if that means going and becoming a supermodel - then do that! Many people will criticise that, saying that you shouldn’t succumb to popular temporary expressions of beauty etc etc - but if it makes you feel good? - you go girl! By the way; there are many women less than perfect who have perfectly happy relationships. But do whatever it takes to make you proud of you!

And remember, you’re not the only one with a drop dead gorgeous sibling… doug pitt, danni minogue, antonia kidman - and none of these are exactly unattractive themselves.
 
Hi, it depend on wht ur heart desire den pray! Re u a single or widower?
 
I just visited your profile too. You are lovely! You have a lovely warm face, sparkling eyes and your hair is to die for (jealous much me!! :o).

God will let you know what He wants, if you can find a quiet place inside to listen to Him. Problem for us humans is that He tends to whisper and not shout, and we tend to shout and not to listen.

I know it is easier said than done, but try to find a quiet space. Maybe a weekend silent retreat? You are very young, there is time for God to work all things out to His plan. :console:
 
You are beautiful. And just think that if I think you are beautiful, how much more beautiful you are in he eyes of the Creator.

On a practical note, maybe you should see a counsellor. I was in a situation very similar to yourself - feeling sad, lonely - and I went to a counsellor. Personally, I found that they work wonders.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. 🙂
 
God gives everyone different attributes. He loves each of us equally. Why is it so important to you to be considered by some people more beautiful than your sister? Why do you objectify yourself like that? She is probably more beautiful than you in some ways, and you are probably more beautiful than her in other ways. But you seem to be concerned about superficial, worldly values. Please don’t be jealous – rather, look at your different qualities, inside and outside. Praise and thank God for the wonderful way He has created you. Then praise and thank God for the wonderful way He has created your sister. She is your sister – love her, and love yourself, as God intended (not with the world’s standards and values, but with His).

What your guy friend said was insensitive, but so what? Forgive him and move on. Don’t objectify HIM by only thinking of him as a possible mate. You want to be treated with dignity. Treat him, you sister, and others with dignity. Act like, and be, a friend. Not every man who crosses your path is the right man for you, for marriage.

With regard to your low self-esteem and your anger and hurt, I highly recommend that you pray. Start with thanks and praise to God, by specifically looking for the good attributes in yourself and others. Then present your needs to Him and ask for His comfort, guidance and strength. Ask Him to help you forgive others. Ask Him to help you know the beauty (inside and out) which He has given you.

If you are obsessed with all this on an ongoing basis, then please seek a professional Christian counselor to help you work through it.

"Love one another as I have loved you." (Jesus)
 
Your friend would not have made the comment unless he thought you were both beautiful. There is no sense in commenting unless there’s a close comparison. He complimented both of you.

Please try not to compare the way others look on the outside to the way you feel on the inside.

Rest assured, God has a wonderful plan for you. He’ll reveal it.
 
It isn’t ok for guys to ask for pics…especially of your sister! Cut him off. (I’m 24 if that matters)
 
Joy2day said:
Hi! I guess a lot of people are superficial - only looking on the outside. If you are genuinely not happy with your appearance - why not improve it to your satisfaction? So then you know that if anyone ever criticises it is their problem and not yours. Its about how you see yourself, and you are entitled to meet your own expectations regarding your appearance. Maybe on some level, you don’t think you are attractive and therefore you need to make yourself attractive to you! and if that means going and becoming a supermodel - then do that! Many people will criticise that, saying that you shouldn’t succumb to popular temporary expressions of beauty etc etc - but if it makes you feel good? - you go girl! By the way; there are many women less than perfect who have perfectly happy relationships. But do whatever it takes to make you proud of you!

And remember, you’re not the only one with a drop dead gorgeous sibling… doug pitt, danni minogue, antonia kidman - and none of these are exactly unattractive themselves.
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Because that way lies madness.

Look around and you will see that ‘improving’ one’s appearance becomes an endless merry-go-round and satisfaction is never, ever achieved. It can even veer into idolatry.

That guy was a jerk for saying what he said about the OP. That’s the blunt truth.
 
I am a guy and I certainly do not think that. You are pretty. I don’t know what that friend of yours was thinking when he said that, but I think it is a little weird to ask for pictures like that unless you are interested in a woman. But if that is the case, a guy who says things like that is not worth your time. That guy is an idiot.

I saw your photo and very much doubt you will have difficulty finding a good husband.
 
Is this the same guy that you were sort-of dating, and were considering going on a road trip with? I sincerely hope that you will drop the idea. No gentleman would ever say such a thing to someone he was dating or interested in.

Look, most of us are just average looking. We can do things (wear makeup tastefully, learn how to style our hair well, etc), to enhance our looks, but at the end of the day most people aren’t gorgeous. After reading others’ comments, I also checked your profile and I agree that you are very pretty! You really have nothing to worry about, honestly.

I think you need to work on your own confidence- that is what men find most attractive. It sounds like you’ve had a rough time of things, so I understand how hard that must be. Try to let the relationship thing go, for now. Focus on school or work, whatever it is that you do, and maybe try to get involved in a couple of activities. Finding things you enjoy doing can be a process, so if something doesn’t stick, try something else. Volunteering is an excellent way to stop dwelling on the things that bother you, because you have to focus on others, and you meet lots of nice, caring people in the process.

I’m suggesting that maybe you aren’t really ready for a relationship, right now. Perhaps God is preparing you for the future, but I think you have a ways to go. When I was 19, if things had worked out with any of the people I dated (and I had come confidence building to do, too…) I wouldn’t be married to my husband right now, who is a fantastic guy and anyone else I ever dated pales in comparison.

So, your sister is beautiful. You want to be with a guy who- though he may agree she is beautiful- would rather be with you and not make you feel otherwise. That guy is not this man, so I think you should let him go say stupid things to some other girl. I know it’s hard, but pray a lot, and try to focus on the big picture. You are so young still, and I’d guess that lots of people on this forum didn’t meet their spouse until after age 20. And, if you are not already seeing a counselor, I would strongly suggest that. You have things in your past that need to be dealt with emotionally before you will be ready to give of yourself in a relationship.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think you need to work on your own confidence- that is what men find most attractive.
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👍👍:thumbsup:EXCELLENT advice!

Very few of us are “bombshells”, if you think about it. But when you embrace Creation as beauty and live accordingly, it radiates out through you. God formed you, and He made you exactly as He wanted you to be. Remember that when you feel low. Be joyful, confident, loving and gentle. These attributes are so much more attractive than what our world would like to credit beauty to.

Also, think of how we remember our Mother Mary. I can’t speak for you, but I imagine her as the most beautiful, gentle and loving woman that ever lived. I am willing to bet money that she was just as average looking as the rest of us. What mattered and what is remembered is how deeply beautiful–how astoundingly beautiful–her humility, her strength, her patience, her love and her compassion are. These are the qualities that we as women can and should proudly strive for, and these are the qualities that men–solid, grounded, loving men–will cherish in us.
 
“He told me that she is prettier than I am.”

That was not very gentlemanly or smart of him, but I think you should give him a chance to clear this up. You can say something like, “It hurt my feelings when you said that my sister is prettier than me,” stop, and then see what he says. You might want to email him that, so he has a chance to put together a thoughtful response.

Based on your previous postings, I think you tend to have very high highs and very low lows, which is not unusual in people who are into the arts. That possibly is something that needs to be worked out with a medical professional and if you don’t, it will ultimately hurt your romantic prospects much more than not looking like a Vogue model. You may find that you eventually need therapy and/or medication to even out the highs and lows. You mention bullying a lot, which is weird in a 19-year-old college student. I suspect that you may be misinterpreting your social environment and that you need professional help to navigate interpersonal issues. That will do you much more good than worrying about your looks. Your college probably has a counseling office. It’s probably not perfect, but it’s a good place to start.

It simply isn’t reasonable to expect to find a spouse at 19 years old in 2013 in the US. It happens, but it’s not fair to expect it. Also, even if you were ugly, there might be a guy out there for you anyway. Have a good look at the women you see out there who have boyfriends or husbands–many of them are well below average in the looks department. As my mother in law says in Polish, every monster finds his mate (or something to that effect).
 
Except she is not ugly. She is attractive. Look at her photograph. I don’t know anything about that guy other than what she said, but that is an incredibly hurtful thing to say. It sounds like a comment a person would make as if they are shopping for something, not something you would say to any human being.

The fact that she is upset about it seems pretty normal to me. I just think the guy is probably not worth the drama.
 
“Except she is not ugly. She is attractive. Look at her photograph.”

Then her thinking that she is ugly is possibly a sign of some psychological issues on her part. The prettier she is, the weirder it is that she’s agonizing about this.
 
You are nineteen - you admit to being a little insecure (I have a little secret to tell you - when i was about that age - i finally realized that everyone is a little insecure - and knowing that made me a lot more secure).

So your friend made an insensitive remark. I do have to tell you that people are often clutzy - and they don’t always say things the way they intend to. So, there is always the possibility that you misunderstood him (but because you are prone to believe it, you hear what you want).

There is also the possibility that he meant to say “Wow, your sister is a pretty as you are”, but it came out wrong. I would be lying if i told you that I had never regretted saying something - (and I think that this world of texting and such within instantaneous communication, it must be much worse).

But, let’s say that you heard him exactly right. And let’s say that he intended to say what came out. Well, that tells you a lot more about him than about you. He would be an insensitive boor - and there would be little reason to remain friends with him. But, I don’t know him - so i don’t want to go that far.

I used to have a roommate - who was a wonderful - loving person - but he had a way of always saying the wrong thing. He didn’t intend to be mean. But somehow - he always zoned in on the issue that somebody was most sensitive about and made a comment that was kind of shocking. He never understood why - and it was partly because someone couldn’t hurt him the same way. If he was balding - or too skinny or something and somebody made a comment - he would thinking “Yeah - I know, so what?”.

At 19, you are younger than you realize. Someday - you will allow people to like you for who you are - and you may realize that not everyone will like you - and you may not totally like everyone else either. (I know Jesus tells us to love everybody - but I don’t think we have to take to heart - everything that everyone says to us).

Good luck. Time will heal this hurt.
 
I completely agree that your friend’s comment was a little tactless and inconsiderate, but I would encourage you to do your best not to read too much into it.

The statement “She is prettier than you” does not equal “You are ugly.” So I wouldn’t say that he thinks you’re ugly just because he said that.

As someone else mentioned, you may choose to convey to him that you were hurt by his poor choice of words. It seems likely to me that he wasn’t trying to hurt you. He just spoke without thinking (as we are all prone to do at times – unless that’s just guys who do that :o).
 
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