Very Sticky Situation..Please Help

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Hello everyone. I apoligize now if this is a long thread. Basically I the child of a Roman Catholic and Lutheran, and I myself was baptised a Lutheran. However I have always felt a strong pull towards the Catholic Church. I am currently considering fully converting. As a young teen I was raped, and became very ill. I was told by physicans that an abortion medically was the best choice. I was 15 years old and really wasn’t sure of all that came along with it. To this day I recent my choice, but I was told that the baby may not live. A few months later I met my boyfriend, whom I felt an instant soulmate like connection to. We have engaged in premarital sex, and I have been put in birth control due to irregular periods. I concieved my son at 19, while using birth control, and we were very happy. In a way I feel that even with using the birth control, becoming pregnant was “God’s Will” for lack of a better term. Now we have been together for almost 10 years, Upon my current thoughts of Catholicism, I have taken myself off of birth control. He still uses a condom, for we are not finacially ready to have another child. But another problem occurs in the fact that he is really that wild about marriage at the moment. He has some major issues in his life, which he is trying to deal with, and is kind of stuck in his life right now. We share a deep love, but he sees no rush in marriage, he wants to get “past his demons” before he moves on with his/our life. My problem is, I don’t know what to do. I do not want to push my beliefs on him (he has his own form of Christianity I guess you could say) I am truly in love with him with all my soul. If I convert to Catholism, I do not want to stop making love with him, and the marriage issue, and having a son… It’s all so confusing, Any insight? I know this isn’t really even a question, but I’m lost!
 
I am in a similar situation, the difference being that I was born and raised Catholic. However, I am currently living with my boyfriend and feel the same. I also would like some insight to this.
 
I didn’t actually ask in the first post, but is there any insight I could also have on the “medical” abortion? Is that a sin? Even with my being so young, and being told it was for the best of the baby by the doctors.
 
jesso,

It sounds like you’ve been dating your boyfriend for 10 years, and you are about 26 now. Is that correct? If he hasn’t married you in the last 10 years, he’s not going to now.

I know you have feelings for him, but it sounds like he isn’t a very good “catch”, so to speak.

A direct abortion is always a sin. Your culpability in it is questionable. You were young and perhaps you were coerced or something. That doesn’t make it right, but only you and God know how culpable you were.

I’d suggest you call a local parish and ask to set up an appointment with a priest or deacon. Talk to him about your situation. This is too complex to settle over the Internet.
 
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shell8746:
I am in a similar situation, the difference being that I was born and raised Catholic. However, I am currently living with my boyfriend and feel the same. I also would like some insight to this.
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Insight? Please move out. If you’re having sex with him, then stop.

It might be good to talk to a priest about your situation.
 
jesso and shell8746,
Benedictus makes some good points. There is an old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
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Point being, pre-maritial sex is wrong.  Wether or not you are Catholic, it's wrong.  If you are afraid to scare him off with your beliefs, how strong is your relationship anyway?

You may be truely be in love with him, but is he truely in love with you?  Before you answer, think about this.  You are putting you beliefs aside for him .... what is he doing for you?
 
I agree with dhgray, who said what I was trying to say, but did it in a more coherent manner.
 
Sinful situations are very addicting and not easily changed. We get addicted to fornication, birth control, and other sinful ways. Then, when we’re deep in sin, it looks like there is no point in getting out - we’re too deep in sin anyway. It’s easy for bystanders to say “just stop”, but it doesn’t seem that easy to the one steeped in sin.

What Lorik said makes good sense. You must love yourself and you must love God. If you love God, you will love yourself enough to get out of sin. The freedom you will feel from repenting of that sin is unmatched by fornication, birth control, or any other sinful way.

I want to note, however, that you can’t pick and choose of the sins to repent. It doesn’t work. You will never feel free until you repent from ALL sins your are committing or have committed, including fornication, birth control, your past abortions, oral sex, pornography, masturbation or any others you may have committed. See catholicparents.org/oxcart/examination.html for a guide.

:confused: All- can Jesso receive the sacrament of confession without being a Catholic? It seems wrong to deny her that cleansing, but I’m not sure of the rules.
 
“You may be truely be in love with him, but is he truely in love with you? Before you answer, think about this. You are putting you beliefs aside for him … what is he doing for you?”

Half of the reason we are not married, is due to the fact we are now living with my parents. He has had a horrible childhood, vicitim of horrific abuse, been in alot of counseling, its very intense. Finacially we will soon be able to move in a place of our own, but he does not want to get married while living with my parents. Yes we are truely in love. It is not at all a lust thing with us. Though I too feel like in a way since he never saw love in his childhood, it makes things even deeper, and different for us. I myself have been in counsling, but not really got much out of it.

If you are afraid to scare him off with your beliefs, how strong is your relationship anyway?

These beliefs of mine are just recent, you could say. I have always considered myself a christian, and was raised so. But as I’ve grown older I’ve started taken greater noticer, and putting more thought into some of these things.

Part of me feels like after being together exclusvley we are not doing anything wrong. It is not just a feel good kind of thing. It’s a very emotional connection, and we both have great love for our son. But part of me feels like its still wrong. But then we are still young, and from what he has seen as a child, his views on marriage are a little out of whack.

And with the birth control. Even though I am no longer taking it. Assuming we were married, and since these views are ones that I haven’t always had, who would I be to say he can no longer use it, considering those are not his own beliefs?

Also I like I said, I was raised in alot of the Catholic beliefs, and truley belief most of it. I am the type of person (not to toot my own horn) to spend the vast majority of my “free time” helping others. I always go out of my way to help everyone, charities etc, and day or night if someone needs me, I’ll be there no matter what. Even at christmas, I spend more on my “adopt-a-bear” children then my own family. So I’d like to think I am a very good person. But will God really punish me for having sex with the man I love, and the father of my son?
 
Jesso,

The reason you “feel” it is wrong is because it IS wrong. The Holy Spirit is tugging at you. You are on your way, but to truly love God with all your heart, soul, and strength, you must give up your sinful ways…all of them. I know it seems okay to continue to live with your boyfriend as you have a child and you’ve been together so long, but it is still sinful. This is what is eating at you. To make things right with God, you must first discontinue this arrangement. It will be difficult, but you can do it. Pray for strength. Pray for guidance and ask God to send his Holy Spirit to give you the courage to do what is right. I will pray for you too. There are probably few in your life right now that will give you the answers you will find here. It is okay. You know what must be done. I will pray for you daily.

God Bless
Giannawannabe
 
But is it right of me to abandon the father of my child, and have him not here day/night with us? I know the conception of him was “sinful”. Never change how much I love him. But is right to do that to our child? He is 2 1/2. He will understand that Daddy isn’t here. Should he suffer for my sins?

By the way, I’d like to say I appreciate all who have answered me, without passing judgement.
 
The father does not need to be out of his son’s life. It would be cruel to do that to your son and to your boyfriend. I hope he would not abandon you or your son if you stop premarital relations with him. I’m sure he would not. He sounds like a loving father. It will be difficult for him, I’m sure. Explain to him your reasons. It sounds like he loves you, but is just comfortable with the situation as is. Maybe it will help him to consider his position on marriage if you show him how serious you are on this. He may be angry. I hope that in time he will understand your feelings. However, YOU must do what is right for yourself at this time. God is calling you, I know He is.

God Bless
Giannawannabe

Re: the birth control question. Once you are both talking marriage, this will be something to discuss and may be a question for the “Ask the Apologist” section (if one spouse insists on using birth control).
 
It sounds as if you have a very caring family. Many do not have a place to live while working out marriage issues - if you were to ask me, I’d suggest that BF find a place to live while you remain with your family and child - and then work toward marriage with the father of your wonderful child. The child does not have to be uprooted from home, and his dad can still be part of his life!

Praying that you find a good Priest who can guide you through this. Prayers -
 
Thankyou all. I do feel it tugging at my heart. I will contact our local Catholic Church in the morning and see if there is anyone up there who would be willing to do some spritual counseling with me.
 
Since it sounds like you love each other very much, I would say that you should get married as soon as possible. If you are not going to live apart, you must live chastly. If he does not want to marry you just yet, then you should live apart. I do not think you should abandon him at all. Stay with him. “Date” him. But do not have relations with him. Talk to him about his getting a place to rent while you work out your relationship. Looking back, your son will respect that you chose to live by God’s law.
 
There is a differnece between removing your boyfriend from your life versus maintaining separate sleeping quarters until married. A 2 1/2 y.o. should not be aware of whether or not his parents are engaging in activity possibly “requiring” the use of birth control. Though less than ideal, one of you sleeping on an old couch in a basement or something similar would be sufficient

Further, taking to separate sleeping quarters is good for your potential future marriage. Of couples who had premarital relations up until marriage, nearly 80% divorce (compared to an average of 50%). However, those with such a prior history who abstained for at least 6 months dropped to approximately the level of those who abstained the entire time. Those who learned and use the modern Natural Family Planning methods endorsed by the Catholic Church have an divorce rate well below the national average, and those are best learned while abstaining anyway.
 
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dhgray:
jesso and shell8746,
Benedictus makes some good points. There is an old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
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Oh no! Not the horrid COW analogy! This woman deserves better than to be compared to a cow giving milk for free!
 
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Corinthians:
Oh no! Not the horrid COW analogy! This woman deserves better than to be compared to a cow giving milk for free!
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if the shoe fits…
 
Being in love can sometimes make things feel right that aren’t. God’s ways are not to oppress us but to bring us the most happiness.
Talking to a priest is a great start.

You have been together 10 years and you have a child together, your boyfriend needs to commit himself to you in marriage. There are no rational reasons for doing other wise. In all truth to put it bluntly you are risking the loss of Heaven, no one knows when their time here on this earth will be over.

Since your boyfriend does not share your beliefs on birthcontrol to keep marital peace he may use it, but you may not. It’s great that you have stopped using the pill, but you are having sex outside of marriage and God is crystal clear in His Word that that is a sin.

I had a re-version to the faith after being married 5 years, and my husband was an agnostic at the time. It can be very heart breaking not being able to share something so important to you with the most important person in your life.

I would keep you discusions on faith in “I” terms as in “I get great comfort in attending Mass.” “I feel such peace after going to confession.” Live your faith by example, instead of trying to convince him with religious arguments. Let him see the positives that come from your Catholic faith. Invite him to come with you to Mass, but do not pressure him. If you read something that really helps you with your faith share it with him occasionally but tread lightly and pray much.

My husband slowly found his way into the church and we are now both strong practicing Catholics. I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
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