Very weitd situation

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BioCatholic

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OK, so one of my Firefighter/Medic buddies that I am pretty close with, and who I have watched go through a nightmare of a marriage, is in a weird situation. Now mind you, I have seen things that would make most people turn green. I am really not surprised by anything anymore, and I tend to just take things as they come. But this has me stumped.

So my buddy R., had an awful marriage. Him and her fought constantly, and basically hated each other. She was borderline Bi-polar, and he is no Saint either. For a while, he stayed at my house after I was divorced quite alot. After about another month they had an awful fight. She leaves the house really, really upset, screaming so loud that every neighbor on the block can hear, and then takes his car. She ends up missing a curve at 110mph, and, well, they had a closed casket funeral.

The thing is, it’s only been about 2 weeks, and R. has a new lady friend. He brought her by the station house last night, and introduced her to us. They were quite infatuated with each other. He said he met her last week, uh, which would have been about 3 days after the funeral. We all are a little shocked. We figure their marriage was over a long time ago, and they probably were going to get a divorce. I mean the change in R. is quite noticeable. He doesn’t skulk around anymore, he talks 300% more than before ect. I asked him how he was doing, and he said “I’m great”. And he seemed to really mean it.

Basically we are all wondering if there has to be a mourning period, or does “until death do us part” really mean until death and not a moment after. I mean I guess he is technically single now, and I have yet to see a formal rule on “mourning” time. I’m just wondering if R. realizes what a God awful divorce it would have been, and now isn’t worried about all that mess now. Anyone else ever come across this before?
 
I have learned not to judge people’s reactions to anything. Having been judged myself, it isn’t fun. Especiallly when people can have things so very wrong.

And to be honest, if my xh had died in some accident, I would have had a hard time looking sad at his funeral. Sometimes living with someone who is unstable/dangerous/unbalanced/immoral, or fill in your own blank is its own living death and you have already mourned the death of that person in your own heart for years. Sometimes their body actually catches up.

If he’s that happy now, imagine how hard it was for him to function with his wife.

Wish him well. Don’t judge. You didn’t walk in his shoes. He sounds happy not to be living any longer with someone who was unpredictable, irrational and impossible to get along with.

And this is the spot where we can pause to contemplate the successful life:

A successful life is when everyone is smiling when you are born and crying when you die.
 
There is no formal morning period in Canon Law. Some societies have expected morning periods, but I think in most Western Countries these have gone by the board. Your friend is very fortunate to avoid all the mess that a divorce entails. I pray that her soul was in shape to meet the Lord.
 
The old saying “Love is blind. But the neighbors aren’t.” comes to mind. So also does the phrase “The problem with common sense is that it is not common.”

What are often called affairs of the heart should be more realisticly called affairs of the hormones, and when they kick in, not only does common sense take leave, but just about any sense at all. It sounds as if your friend is in such a situation.

A short piece of advice is to keep your nose out of it; if for no other reason than that most people who are in a situation such as he is have absolutely no desire ofr anyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut of any sort, especially any (name removed by moderator)ut that might be based on common sense.

It may well be that whatever feelings he and his prior spouse had for each other had long ago died, and with it, any understanding on either of their parts as to what a marriage was about. If so, it is entirely possible that he has gone through whatever mourning period one needs to traverse when death of a spouse occurs.

Then again, it is entirely possible that he is reacting rather than acting; he is replacing his lost wife with a new person - or worse, a new conquest.

In either event, it is highly unlikely you are going to be able to get through the fog of emotions he is experiencing right now. It is, however, very likely he has no idea which end is up.

If he truly wants your advice he will ask. If he doesn’t ask, then volunteering it will probably get the same results that almost universally occur; you will at the minimum be dismissed. And it can get much worse from there. In the meanwhile, don’t hold your breath.
 
My thoughts on the matter (purely speculative) would be:
  1. Everybody grieves in their own way.
  2. New lady friend isn’t as new as he claims.
  3. The police will be re-checking the brakes of the car involved once they hear about this!
dmf
 
IrishAm said:
  1. The police will be re-checking the brakes of the car involved once they hear about this!
dmf
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I think we can rule that out. R. and I have a deep love for the 2004-2007 Camaro Interceptor, which are often used by State Police as “Chase Cars”. R. never let ANYONE drive that car, even me.

I think his late wife took his car to really tick him off during the fight. The Interceptor is a beast. Im not surprised that it got away from her. But that car was his child. There is no possibility that he neglected that car in any way shape or form.

The poor woman just took the wrong car to take an angry drive in.
 
again this is not a moral issue, and quite frankly this gentleman would be well served if his friends did not speculate so much about his private life.
 
My mother died unexpectedly (not from an accident–she developed a blood clot from a pacemaker) when I was 19, but after a couple of years of various illnesses. My father met someone a month later (her husband had died of cancer 7 months earlier) through a mutual friend in a Christian singles group and was married 8 months later.

I can’t lie and say that it has turned out beautifully for them (honestly I don’t think she would have married him if she had known him longer) but they do not believe in divorce and have been married 25 years. I also cannot say that it did not cause tremendous scandal within the church we attended at the time (where my mother grew up) or in our family (particularly on my mother’s side) nor that it had no effect on me or my sister (who was 14) and our grieving process or that we welcomed her with open arms.

This is not someone he could have met and been having an affair with, nor was it a case of a caustic marriage as far as I could tell. My father is probably one of the most devout, scrupulous (and I use that word deliberately) and literal Christians you will ever met. It was a case of my father being the kind of man who cannot seem to function without an audience, without someone with him and I think grabbed onto the first person who presented herself as a possibility, kind of like a drowning man grabbing for a piece of wood.
 
This is really nobody’s business, although by bringing his new honey around so soon, your friend must have known that he was setting himself up as food for the rumor-mill. He is probably not thinking too clearly right now, anyway, after all he has been through in the last couple of weeks. But what is there to mourn about a miserable marriage which was on the verge of divorce anyhow? I would certainly pray for the repose of his wife’s soul, but I’d also pray for wisdom for your friend, that he won’t rush into another marriage. People tend to be attracted to a certain “type,” so who is to say that this new woman isn’t just as disturbed as the first one was? It takes awhile for someone to show their true colors, so I hope he gives things enough time to avoid making another mistake, and for his own head to clear after years of living with an unstable woman and the aftermath of her sudden death.
 
A form of “rebound” maybe?

I know in my case, were my wife to pass before me, the last thing on my mind would be another woman. Our marriage has been very good, with the usual “differences” of opinion that humans can have, but we have lasted many years…and are as much in love as the day we married.

Why would I not want another woman…? Because there is no-one who can replace her in my life. And I know that if I were to bring a woman into my life…I would constantly measure her against my wife, which would be patently unfair to her.

People deal with situations differently. Best to stay out of it, lest you be the messenger who gets the ax.
 
BioCatholic said:
OK, so one of my Firefighter/Medic buddies that I am pretty close with, and who I have watched go through a nightmare of a marriage, is in a weird situation. Now mind you, I have seen things that would make most people turn green. I am really not surprised by anything anymore, and I tend to just take things as they come. But this has me stumped.

So my buddy R., had an awful marriage. Him and her fought constantly, and basically hated each other. She was borderline Bi-polar, and he is no Saint either. For a while, he stayed at my house after I was divorced quite alot. After about another month they had an awful fight. She leaves the house really, really upset, screaming so loud that every neighbor on the block can hear, and then takes his car. She ends up missing a curve at 110mph, and, well, they had a closed casket funeral.

The thing is, it’s only been about 2 weeks, and R. has a new lady friend. He brought her by the station house last night, and introduced her to us. They were quite infatuated with each other. He said he met her last week, uh, which would have been about 3 days after the funeral. We all are a little shocked. We figure their marriage was over a long time ago, and they probably were going to get a divorce. I mean the change in R. is quite noticeable. He doesn’t skulk around anymore, he talks 300% more than before ect. I asked him how he was doing, and he said “I’m great”. And he seemed to really mean it.

Basically we are all wondering if there has to be a mourning period, or does “until death do us part” really mean until death and not a moment after. I mean I guess he is technically single now, and I have yet to see a formal rule on “mourning” time. I’m just wondering if R. realizes what a God awful divorce it would have been, and now isn’t worried about all that mess now. Anyone else ever come across this before?
Click to expand...
My advice: Watch your back. And don’t do what he did.
 
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