Virgin dating a non-virgin. How do I deal with it?

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Angeles2010

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I need some advice on how to cope with something that is causing me some sorrow. In May of 2010, I met a Catholic man (John) a first cousin of one of my best friends. I had heard of him from my friend for years and had talked to him occasionally via the internet, but was never interested because he had the same girlfriend for 4 years and I assumed, was shortly to be engaged and married. When we met, he and his girlfriend had just broken up, as things were not working out for them and she had taken a job across the country. Initially, I didn’t ask too many questions about his past relationship, and assumed that they broke up due to the distance.

He asked me out two weeks after our meeting. We went out every weekend and after about a month, we had completely fallen for each other. However, after a month of dating, he informed me that he was not a virgin, and had intercourse with his ex girlfriend, on a very steady basis, for 4 years. As he comes from a devout, conservative, Catholic family, as do I, I was totally shocked and crushed. I too had been in a 4 year relationship, and could understand it being hard to remain perfectly chaste, but I simply couldn’t process the idea of 4 years of such steady sin. I nearly broke up with him, but a friend advised me to pray about it and to talk with him.

He told me that he was attracted to me because I was many thing his ex girlfriend wasn’t; a good Catholic woman committed to the faith, with the potential to make a good wife and mother. He knew from the outset that sexual satisfaction would never be a part of our dating, nor was he seeking it. I decided to put the past behind us, to move forward in our relationship, and to see where it would lead, on the condition that premarital sex would have no part in it. He gladly agreed.

The bump in the road of our dating (me finding out about his lost virginity) brought about a strengthening of our relationship, in some respects. We had many discussions about it and I later found out that he had much guilt associated with how he had lived, that he wanted to be a better Catholic, and that he valued me, more than anything, as a spiritual role model and peer, something his ex wasn’t, and sincerely wishes he had waited for his future wife. Our relationship has developed into a very beautiful thing, with our faith as the main focus, and with our primary goal, that of trying to assist each other get to heaven. We go to Mass together, pray the rosary and say novenas on a daily basis for the intention that we follow God’s will in our relationship. He just finished school and already has a fantastic job, so we are considering getting engaged and married this year.

I can confidently say that I love him very deeply, that he would make an amazing husband and father, and I am almost to the point where I can’t imagine life without him. But here is where I need advice. Though he has made heroic efforts in coming back to the faith, in living a good life, trying to be a better Catholic, and in loving and respecting me, it still makes me sick at heart to know how he had lived. While I was never perfect either, I waited, as did my ex boyfriend, I have waited for marriage for intercourse. I know that God can and does forgive John if he is truly sorry for his sins, and I must also forgive him, which I do. But just the knowledge of it seems to try and eat away at my happiness. It isn’t that I am jealous of his ex…it is more that I love John and his soul so much, that it makes me sick at heart to know that such a sin touched him for so long. It is a sadness I cannot seem to shake.

John’s view on sex has changed radically since we have been dating, greatly due to the fact that (on his own) he has been reading Catholic literature regarding it and is completely committed to doing the right thing. I so admire and respect him for it. We both take our chastity very seriously, and he has bent over backwards to keep our relationship chaste in every respect. And yet, to know his old habits and views still hurts. But one friend said to me “When it all comes down to it, mortal sins all level out, and they are all offensive to God, and we have ALL sinned.” This is how I have tried to cope with it, knowing that I too have grievously offended God. But the haunting memories of his past…I can’t seem to shake…I don’t want them to cause problems for our relationship, while dating, engaged or married.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should deal with this? Yes, I would prefer that he was a virgin, but I can honestly say that this man has more respect and genuine love for me than my virgin boyfriend did. My gut says not to pass up that respect and real love for his past sins. Please pray for me.

In Christ,
Mary
 
Go with your gut, girl. If you send him away for something that happened in his past, that he is now sorry for, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You two have a bright, happy life ahead of you, forget about the past.
 
I was in just out of HEAVY sin when I met my husband. I am a completely different person than I was then. (I’ve had friends that snub me because I’m not as “cool” as I used to be) People change and I was very sad and depressed about my sinful choices and glad he took the chance on the “new me”.

If he’s repented and sorry forgive him. It bugs me that my husband didn’t wait for me or I him but we’ve both repented and are happily married and have been since March 19, 2003.

Now if I can just get him to stop brow beating me about converting to the Catholic Church…hey nobody’s marriage is “perfect” we get along about everything else.🤷
 
You love him? You think theres a future? If the answer is yes to either one of those questions, put on a smiley face and move on.

There but for the grace of God go you. Remember that.

If I was in your case-meet a wonderful woman who wasn’t a virgin-guess what-you say “You learned from the past? Your all good? There you go. Now let’s move on to the future.”
 
You love your boyfriend. Jesus loves your boyfriend.

Jesus has forgiven him, and your boyfriend practices his Catholic faith! When Jesus forgives, He forgets.

Ask Jesus to take away your feelings of sorrow about your boyfriend’s past.

It is a wonderful blessing to have a husband of the same faith whose values about marriage are the same as yours!
 
He told me that he was attracted to me because I was many thing his ex girlfriend wasn’t; a good Catholic woman committed to the faith, with the potential to make a good wife and mother…We had many discussions about it and I later found out that he had much guilt associated with how he had lived, that he wanted to be a better Catholic, and that he valued me, more than anything, as a spiritual role model and peer, something his ex wasn’t, and sincerely wishes he had waited for his future wife.
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Hmm. What I am getting from your post is, more than anything else, lingering doubt about whether your boyfriend has truly repented of his past actions, or whether this is more a case of a man deciding to settle down after “sowing his wild oats” without any true realization that his previous lifestyle was sinful. Is there also doubt about whether the disordered way he viewed sex in the past has truly gone away, or if he’s just repressing his urges right now because he knows that’s the only way to “win” you?

Now, I admit that I tend to be cynical about relationships, but what jumps out at me is what this man has told you about his ex-girlfriend, and how morally and spiritually superior you are to her. If he says he sees you as having what it takes to be a good wife and mother, which he didn’t see in his ex, does that mean he never planned to marry or commit to her, that he basically used her for sex and dumped her when he was ready to settle down with a “good girl”? Or was it more that he was blinded by hormones into thinking he was in love, and realized after wasting a lot of time that she wasn’t the right woman for him? If I were in your shoes, I could happily forgive the latter, but not as sure if I could forgive the former.

So to me, the crux of the matter is, does your boyfriend realize that his actions were sinful not just against his “future wife” (not to mention his own body, and God), but against the ex-girlfriend too? Or does he believe he didn’t do anything wrong to her because she wanted it too? If he has that idea, that “good girls” deserve respect but “bad girls” don’t, then I’d wonder if that’s what he’d be teaching his own son, that if a “good girl” asks you to wait 'till marriage you should respect her, but it’s fine to use “bad girls” for sexual pleasure.

Also, unlike some Protestant denominations, the Catholic Church’s concept of sexuality goes far beyond “don’t do it before marriage because God said so”. Does your boyfriend agree with Catholic teaching on chastity after marriage…no contraception, no porn, no lusting after your spouse? Unfortunately, some men, even after marriage, still see sex as an inherently selfish act where the purpose is to attain sexual pleasure for himself, and that the wife has a duty to please him this way.

I guess another aspect to this is, do you see him as being a spiritual leader in your home, or do you see him as somehow relying on you to keep himself on the straight and narrow, as if you were his babysitter, not his helpmeet. As you may have noticed in your own church, in many families, it is the wife/mother who is responsible for getting everyone to church and in doling out the daily discipline. Do you wonder whether you will end up in this role?

Those, I think, would be legitimate doubts. However, if none of these things apply to your boyfriend, and he truly has repented, gone to Confession, is a new man, and has done all this not just to please you, but because of sincere repentance, that if, say, you were hit by a bus on the way to the wedding and died, he wouldn’t go right back to his old ways…then I think it would be an error for you to turn him away.
 
My wife and I were in much the same situation–she a good Catholic girl, me a total scumbag. How she ever looked past everything, I’ll never know.

I’m so glad you’re looking to make this work rather than giving up. So many men like me would be so lost were in not for such wonderful women willing to give us a second (or 10th) chance. How can you get past this? Try to think of him as an entirely different person. Nearly all guys have been terrible, terrible people. But the person I was back then is so different than the person I am now. I hope, so much, that people don’t consider me to be the person I was just a few years ago. Honestly, this is something most women just can’t understand. You have no idea how lust can take a hold of men and utterly transform us, and how different we can be when Christ transforms us back. For all of the prodigal sons out there, please remember this.
 
I think you need to ask yourself why you should him responsible for a sin that Christ has forgiven him for? Also would you want something from your past brought up like this in your relationship?
 
joandarc2008 said:
I think you need to ask yourself why you should him responsible for a sin that Christ has forgiven him for? Also would you want something from your past brought up like this in your relationship?
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👍

The more I thought about the Original post the more it really bugged me. No offense to the poster-I’m sure she’s great. But holding this against someone seems quite immature and petty. Seriously, didn’t Jesus forgive the adulterous woman?! Didn’t he preach forgiveness of your ENEMIES?! If you can forgive those who hurt you, how dare you don’t forgive someone you might love!?
 
Rascalking said:
👍

The more I thought about the Original post the more it really bugged me. No offense to the poster-I’m sure she’s great. But holding this against someone seems quite immature and petty. Seriously, didn’t Jesus forgive the adulterous woman?! Didn’t he preach forgiveness of your ENEMIES?! If you can forgive those who hurt you, how dare you don’t forgive someone you might love!?
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However on the flip side I could see to not where it would cause issues but where it might cause some wedding night jitters - especially if it was a male virgin and a female non-virgin.
 
joandarc2008 said:
However on the flip side I could see to not where it would cause issues but where it might cause some wedding night jitters - especially if it was a male virgin and a female non-virgin.
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I think everyone would have the wedding night jitters regardless of sexual past. If you really loved someone, their past-as long as they have learned from it-is irrelevant.
 
Rascalking said:
I think everyone would have the wedding night jitters regardless of sexual past. If you really loved someone, their past-as long as they have learned from it-is irrelevant.
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Granted- but lets be real - if one spouse thinks the other is more experienced they may have some “performance anxiety.” This should be dealt with in their pre-engagement counseling.
 
joandarc2008 said:
I think you need to ask yourself why you should him responsible for a sin that Christ has forgiven him for? Also would you want something from your past brought up like this in your relationship?
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Exactly! I agree. 🙂

If you are going to hold a grudge, let him go! Let him find someone who will love him, not judge him.
 
joandarc2008 said:
Granted- but lets be real - if one spouse thinks the other is more experienced they may have some “performance anxiety.” This should be dealt with in their pre-engagement counseling.
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Not to be crude or anything but isnt this one of the negative side effects of past sexual history? Surely, in many cases where one or both spouses had a lot of sex before marriage with different partners, their spouse may not match up to some or even any of their past partners. I imagine that sometimes divorce, infidelity, and depression can result when one chases after the feeling they once had in sex but now cant because they know that others are better than their current spouse and the will likely never experience that again. It definitely plays a part in divorce in the secular world. It is a situation where it is almost better to be a virgin because you wont be able to compare your partner to past ones.
 
Reading the OP I can’t help but think the fact that John is not a virgin is not the issue at all. It sounds like he is now a very respectful guy. I am assuming everything you say about his behaviour is true and you are not lying to yourself and making him to be more of a gentleman than he is.

I think there is some issue in your relationship that you don’t like, are not comfortable addressing and consequently are harping on John’s non-virginity as an outlet for your frustration.

I think you need to figure out what is really bothering you

CM
 
I never said I haven’t forgiven him. I have. I do not hold it against him. He knows my past mistakes and forgives me too. For me, I can and willingly forgive, but it is just hard to forget. I don’t mean that to sound petty or anything. I just find it very saddening that his virginity, which should have been saved for his future wife (at this point, it is not guaranteed to be me), was given to someone who should not taken it from him. I regret, for him, the harm he did to his soul, her soul and the offense they gave to God. I know he has repented. But what about her? So much sin that could have been avoided, just seems very sad to me.
 
Angeles2010 said:
I never said I haven’t forgiven him. I have. I do not hold it against him. He knows my past mistakes and forgives me too. For me, I can and willingly forgive, but it is just hard to forget. I don’t mean that to sound petty or anything. I just find it very saddening that his virginity, which should have been saved for his future wife (at this point, it is not guaranteed to be me), was given to someone who should not taken it from him. I regret, for him, the harm he did to his soul, her soul and the offense they gave to God. I know he has repented. But what about her? So much sin that could have been avoided, just seems very sad to me.
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Oh please let it go. We live in a fallen world. I married a man who was not a virgin and I was. He had come back to the Church in a big way. We have been married for over 8 years. Other than my conversion he is the best thing that ever happened. There was nothing unspecial about our wedding night and any previous experience is long gone. Not only is that part of our marriage wonderful he is a man who puts many other Catholic men to shame. I know he prays for those in his past and we leave it at that. You too can say a prayer for her and give her to Mary to pray for her as well.
 
Angeles2010,

Do you feel cheated by him in that you are giving him 100% but not getting the same 100% back?
 
Angeles2010 said:
I never said I haven’t forgiven him. I have. I do not hold it against him. .
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And that is why I really don’t think this is the issue. If you have genuinly forgiven, there is only one circumstance where you shouldn’t forget. And that is if the person has harmed you and can harm you again.

Since John obviously treats you like a princess you can forget because he is not going to hurt you.

So in my opinion, there is only 2 possible scenarios

1-) There is something else bothering you that you can’t talk about

2-) You wish you could forgive him but you haven’t

CM
 
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