Virgin/Roman Catholic dating Non-Virgin/Returned Roman Catholic

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AniaPolska

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I have recently started to date a man that’s Roman Catholic. Generally he is a very nice guy and we get along extremely well.

There is one thing that is weighing on me about him though and that’s his past. I’ve always been a strong Roman Catholic girl and within that lived my life with the mentality that I’d like to wait until marriage and I’ve always expected that from my future partner (whoever that may turn out to be).

This man however, although had been raised with that mentality, has not lived his life that way throughout his late teens and twenties. To be fair, he has recently (in the past 2 years) changed his way of life and wants to live a religious life and as part of that, wait until marriage. His argument is that while he recognises his past, he is not proud of it, and was never “completely there” in his previous relationships.

I don’t know whether it’s something with me, but even though he is in a good place now, I just can’t seem to forget about his past. Is this normal? Should I break it off? Or should I try and struggle through until I can accept that part of his life?
I am torn between two elements - I feel like I wouldn’t be true to myself if I let myself continue in this relationship, and yet I also feel like he is a great man who is going out of his way to make me happy - even if that involves having the hard conversations about his previous relationships.

I am at a loss with what to do and some advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Ania
 
I congratulate you on maintaining your chastity, especially in this day and age. You are stronger than me, and stronger than most. it may be a while before you find a virgin male of the same faith, and longer yet to find one that you might want to marry. But God does bring people together. There are many Biblical stories about this, including the stories about how God brought St. Ann and St. Joaquin together, as well as the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph.

I am sure you are already praying for guidance and discernment, and have very likely also talked with your Priest. if you have not already done so, ask him again about this in the Confessional. Trust me; just try it.

God bless you.
 
You aren’t going to find any man who doesn’t have sin in his past. You need to ask yourself whether this particular sin is worth ridding of this relationship.

I, too, applaud you on your chastity.
 
I am a man who had only had sexual relations with my wife. Our marriage ended in divorce and was annulled. Some years later I met a woman who I loved dearly and who seemed to have had a similar sexual background to myself. The melding of backgrounds was a large part of our courtship and feelings. Then, after we had committed emotionally, she revealed a serious, multi-year sexual relationship from before her marriage. My feelings for her completely changed and I was thrown into severe confusion. Our relationship started to unravel from that point, but it took me three years to finally have the strength to break it off. I should note that the previous sexual relationship was not the only issue - but it was the start of the unravelling.

My point is that you know about it now. He has not concealed it. It is entirely your decision whether you accept this incompatibility in your backgrounds. There is never a perfect partner or a perfect match (as I’m sure you know). Only the individual can decided what they love, and what imperfections they accept. However, if you decide to accept this then forget it completely, love him as he is, and never discuss it with him again or probe for more information. Let it go.

If you are concerned that his previous relationships will affect how he approaches you then my own experience has been that if he loves you will be, in his mind, the best and most lovely woman he has ever laid eyes on, and he won’t have the slightest recollection of anyone else. 🙂 It’s as if our bodies are made to forget previous experiences and only live in the current one.

As the Vigilant said, also discuss it with a priest in the confessional. They are usually give wonderful advice on such matters.
Regina7 said:
You aren’t going to find any man who doesn’t have sin in his past. You need to ask yourself whether this particular sin is worth ridding of this relationship.

I, too, applaud you on your chastity.
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:yup:
 
The short answer is - - yes, it is something in you.

He has been honest…I assume he treats you well…
I assume he has been to confession and received absolution.
If God forgave him…maybe you should too.

So - to me - the issue is perhaps less about his past and more about your ability to forgive.

It seems to me that you are holding him to a very high standard…and even if he fit your ideas now - odds are he would stumble in some way in the future.
Maybe he picks his nose in bed…
Maybe he starts drinking too many beers on Sunday watching the football game…
Maybe he leaves his dirty clothes lay around for you to pick-up…
Maybe he doesn’t help with the housework or the kids…

Something - - -

People are not perfect and the whole point of repentance and forgiveness is to be able to start anew and move on.

No - - - If you can’t get past this…I think HE should break up with YOU.
He deserves better. HE deserves someone who can love ALL of him. Who he was, who he is, and who he is going to become…

Sorry if this sounds harsh…but I’ve lived a long time and seen too much of this sort of thing…

Of course I am only responding to what you have written…I do not know you or him…so take my comments in that very narrow context.

Peace
James
 
JRKH said:
The short answer is - - yes, it is something in you.

He has been honest…I assume he treats you well…
I assume he has been to confession and received absolution.
If God forgave him…maybe you should too.

So - to me - the issue is perhaps less about his past and more about your ability to forgive.

It seems to me that you are holding him to a very high standard…and even if he fit your ideas now - odds are he would stumble in some way in the future.
Maybe he picks his nose in bed…
Maybe he starts drinking too many beers on Sunday watching the football game…
Maybe he leaves his dirty clothes lay around for you to pick-up…
Maybe he doesn’t help with the housework or the kids…
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I disagree with this. Virginity is held very highly in Christianity and a person who has maintained that through their life can quite rightfully refuse to consider someone who hasn’t - it is a rational decision for the person to make in their own mind. We have discussed the practical difficulties of maintaining it in today’s culture, but if that is one’s ideal then you don’t deserve criticism for maintaining it.

We have, in dating, the right to pick whatever rational (eg. virginity) or irrational criteria we want - and live with the consequences in the dating pool which we have selected.

It is also natural for a person who has not experience sex to be puzzled and even curious about what their beloved has experienced. Natural yes, but healthy - no. Hence my urging to the OP to just decide, once and for all, whether she will accept this or not. If she decides not to, then move on (and start looking again), or she decides to, then just put it out of mind. It won’t be easy, but she’ll just have to keep doing it, and it will be easier over time.
 
AniaPolska said:
I don’t know whether it’s something with me, but even though he is in a good place now, I just can’t seem to forget about his past. Is this normal?
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Sure. You’ll never forget. The best you can do is accept it as part of his past, not hold it against him, and not obsess over it.

I know I did some things that weren’t 100% pure, and I know my wife did too - I don’t like to think about it, and I try not to. It’s also important to recognize that he wasn’t cheating against you (which is easy from a rational point of view, but can be difficult fro an emotional point of view).
Should I break it off? Or should I try and struggle through until I can accept that part of his life?
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Struggle, at least for a while. We’ve all sinned, and forgiveness is hard. But DON’T GET MARRIED unless and until you can come to grips with this, and are reasonably sure that you have put it behind you forever. If you can’t come to grips with it in a reasonable time frame, end the relationship move on. It wouldn’t be fair to him to do otherwise.

In the mean time, talk to a priest.
 
Ask yourself what God would have you do. And remember, we cannot be forgiven unless we are willing to forgive. But I suggest you pray to discern God’s will, rather than yours. And read the Gospels to see how Jesus dealt with sexual sin (hint: read about the woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well). God bless you in your discernment.
 
Take all the time you need to be confident if you´d like to commit more to him. If you are a good Catholic girl, then you walk closely with the Holy Spirit. He will not choose whom you want to marry, but provide the wisdom with which you can see the person you are considering.

This is a time of testing. Not to make the person fail, but to discern their genuineness. Just because someone has repented and made changes, doesn´t mean that they are free from all the consequences of their mistakes. I have learned this about myself. My sins in the sexual department have carried over into my marriage, in the sense that I am still prone to the temptations and the experiences can give many images and feelings back to my imagination.

But this is not to be negative or not forgive. Whether you marry a person or not, you should forgive and love them. But marriage is a whole different level of committment. It is your obligation to judge whether you believe they are genuine in their conviction to live morally or if they are just talking nice now, but under difficult times will not be faithfull.

If you love the person enough, you will have hope that you can never look back and accept whatever happens in your relationship. And you may possibly see a man who Jesus has converted and has great love for Him.
 
One can forgive past sin, but that does not mean the consequences go away.

If the fact the he has slept with other women bothers you, and might always bother you, then break it off now and don’t date anyone else in that situation.

This does not mean you don’t forgive him; it means virginity may be a deal breaker for you. And that’s OK. Everyone has to decide on his or her own deal breakers.

Yes, we all sin, but some sins effect intimate relationships more than others.

Personally, I would have a hard time with it.
 
Thanks for your responses everyone. I have been silently reading them over the past few weeks. I have also decided to open up and relax somewhat. To at least open myself up and ‘give it a shot’ so to speak.

I did open myself enough to trust in the fact that the words that he spoke are true. That the past was his past, and that he was willing to wait as long as it took for me to accept this. That he understood and respected my values and morals and had no objections in waiting for marriage.

But as time has progressed, he has relaxed a little more - we both have. However, the last two dates have made me question just how genuine he has been in his statements - whether he has been telling me what I want to hear rather than what he really thinks/wants to do.
I will let you all use your imaginations, but to put it lightly, he has tried touching areas he shouldn’t, and doing things that he shouldn’t. When I have stopped him, pulled his hands away and the like, he would apologise, say that he is sorry and that he will ‘go slow’ from now on, but then also contradicts this by saying that he is willing to go as far (or not) as I want to go. And then at the end of the date, he would say that he has never done whatever it may be to another girl before - his heart might be in the right place, but he does know that I have an issue with his past, so I don’t understand why he keeps raising it?

As an aside - I have been praying the Novena through the intercession of his patron Saint to grant me the guidance to be able to make the correct decision. On the 9th day, my mind was so clear that this relationship should end, and yet on telling my friends, they all seemed to try and convince me that it is too early to be making the judgement call.

While I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, my intuition is telling me that I am being told what I want to hear, and that he hasn’t actually changed. Should I trust my intuition or should I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt?
 
AniaPolska said:
Thanks for your responses everyone. I have been silently reading them over the past few weeks. I have also decided to open up and relax somewhat. To at least open myself up and ‘give it a shot’ so to speak.

I did open myself enough to trust in the fact that the words that he spoke are true. That the past was his past, and that he was willing to wait as long as it took for me to accept this. That he understood and respected my values and morals and had no objections in waiting for marriage.

But as time has progressed, he has relaxed a little more - we both have. However, the last two dates have made me question just how genuine he has been in his statements - whether he has been telling me what I want to hear rather than what he really thinks/wants to do.
I will let you all use your imaginations, but to put it lightly, he has tried touching areas he shouldn’t, and doing things that he shouldn’t. When I have stopped him, pulled his hands away and the like, he would apologise, say that he is sorry and that he will ‘go slow’ from now on, but then also contradicts this by saying that he is willing to go as far (or not) as I want to go. And then at the end of the date, he would say that he has never done whatever it may be to another girl before - his heart might be in the right place, but he does know that I have an issue with his past, so I don’t understand why he keeps raising it?

As an aside - I have been praying the Novena through the intercession of his patron Saint to grant me the guidance to be able to make the correct decision. On the 9th day, my mind was so clear that this relationship should end, and yet on telling my friends, they all seemed to try and convince me that it is too early to be making the judgement call.

While I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, my intuition is telling me that I am being told what I want to hear, and that he hasn’t actually changed. Should I trust my intuition or should I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt?
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This is all very complicated but my advice is to trust your instincts here. If, as you say, your, “mind was so clear that this relationship should end”, then that is what you should do.
It does not matter what your friends say - or what we say.

Peace
James
 
Trust your intuition!

It is possible this person means well but is not healed enough to lead you both in chastity.

It is possible that he was leading you to fall/waiting for you to become weak to then go as far as he wanted.

Either way, with this new information, the problem may not be that he has had premarital sex, but that he is sending mixed messages to you now about his commitment to chastity by saying one thing & doing another. That is what I consider a deal breaker.
 
FOR HIS SAKE, please don’t continue with him.

It’s obvious that you are going into a relation while having a possible metaphorical stick to beat him with when future relationship problems or transgressions occur. And they will, whether it’s snoring, or watching a teevee program you object to, or something else.

The fact is, he really does not have to account to you that putative sin at all. Nowadays, most men and women do have sex with other couples. No need to ride the high horse.

This virginity emphasis is not healthy. It has the effect of making the other person a commodity…
 
I think you have to take into account the context and world we and he has lived in. Guys are usually pressured much more than women in the culture Pope Ratzinger called “Relativsim”. Im not saying that ignorance is an excuse but it alleviates alot of things and you are marrying him for who he is as a person and not his merits. you want to be with him because he is a human that you think you will match with. i would say ligthen up, you are a sinner too. but cnonsult the Lord more and let him speak to you through the eucharist and your heart.

By the way im Polish too 🙂 czesc… is he polish?
 
AniaPolska said:
Thanks for your responses everyone. I have been silently reading them over the past few weeks. I have also decided to open up and relax somewhat. To at least open myself up and ‘give it a shot’ so to speak.

I did open myself enough to trust in the fact that the words that he spoke are true. That the past was his past, and that he was willing to wait as long as it took for me to accept this. That he understood and respected my values and morals and had no objections in waiting for marriage.

But as time has progressed, he has relaxed a little more - we both have. However, the last two dates have made me question just how genuine he has been in his statements - whether he has been telling me what I want to hear rather than what he really thinks/wants to do.
I will let you all use your imaginations, but to put it lightly, he has tried touching areas he shouldn’t, and doing things that he shouldn’t. When I have stopped him, pulled his hands away and the like, he would apologise, say that he is sorry and that he will ‘go slow’ from now on, but then also contradicts this by saying that he is willing to go as far (or not) as I want to go. And then at the end of the date, he would say that he has never done whatever it may be to another girl before - his heart might be in the right place, but he does know that I have an issue with his past, so I don’t understand why he keeps raising it?

As an aside - I have been praying the Novena through the intercession of his patron Saint to grant me the guidance to be able to make the correct decision. On the 9th day, my mind was so clear that this relationship should end, and yet on telling my friends, they all seemed to try and convince me that it is too early to be making the judgement call.

While I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, my intuition is telling me that I am being told what I want to hear, and that he hasn’t actually changed. Should I trust my intuition or should I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt?
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If you feel that he has pushed your boundaries, have a discussion with him in a public place like a restaurant. In the conversation you should state your boundaries, why you have them and what the consequences of passing them again will be. As I’m a man that lived a sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle, I would set the consequence as one more time and it’s over. Now if he’s good for three months and has a slip up, the decision is yours. Also, I would say no more private dates (as in going to his place or your place). That way you and he are avoiding the near occasion of sin for both of you. Also, no passionate kissing. If he agrees to all that and you’ve decided you can accept his past and let it go, let the relationship bloom. Also, your first kiss after your wedding will mean so much more in this way.

Another thing to do would be either study theology of the body together our go through wedding prep thru your parish. If it’s a good program, you will learn a lot more about him and your faith. I don’t think you have to be engaged to go thru it.

And a everyone else has said, talk to your priest. I’d suggest both of you talking to him individually and as a couple. If you want to know more about my background and why I suggest what I do, pm me as I’m not comfortable putting it all out there.

God bless and I will keep you in my prayers
 
I knew a Catholic woman who was widowed, with children, by her late 20’s. After some ten years she started dating again, with Catholic men. She made it her rule that she would not consider men who had been married, divorced and annulled - which affected me because I liked her, but was annulled.

I respected her decision and felt that it was quite a natural thing for her to not bring that sort of “baggage” into her life.

I suspect that she might have bent the rule for someone particularly suitable.

Again, to the OP, I support you in whatever you decide about this. You are well within your rights to insist on marrying a virgin, or to break your own rule if you choose. But, if you do go ahead with it, then don’t obsess about his past - which would be easy to do.
 
To be fair, he may mean well and doesn’t mean to play you, but is weaker at resisting temptation at the end of the date. If you’re both becoming relaxed about things, the blame is just as much on you as it is on him.

If you set your boundaries and hold steadfast, he’ll get over it and will fall in line if he’s the right guy for you and true love is there. If it’s something he can’t overcome and isn’t willing to wait, then that is your answer and you’ll just have to move on.

All of the issues of chastity aside, from what I’m reading – I’m not entirely convinced you have particularly strong enough feelings towards him to consider serious courtship if you aren’t willing or able to forget his past. It almost seems like you’re waiting for an opportunity or reason to break it off. That’s not intended as a criticism – but in addition to the chastity issue perhaps you may need to search your heart and take it to prayer about how you really feel about him. I recognize that may take a little more time but it’s important to discern. People to date and have companionship with are one thing, but being with the right person really you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with is quite another.

My prayers are with you both today.
 
Ash_Wednesday said:
To be fair, he may mean well and doesn’t mean to play you, but is weaker at resisting temptation at the end of the date. If you’re both becoming relaxed about things, the blame is just as much on you as it is on him.
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That was my thought too about the his current behavior. A man may change his values, but it is still his nature to be physical with a woman he loves - and it’s her nature too. First a little bit, then a little bit more, etc… Many good Catholic couples struggle with it, and if they slip up **occassionally **it is matter for the confessional, rather than a reassessment of the relationship. It becomes a relationship concern if they can’t discuss the boundaries, or, having agreed on them, can’t work them together. But wanting to touch each other is natural and healthy.

When I look at my own first marriage I see the premarital touching, and our inability to stick to boundaries, as a big red flag. Not so much about our beliefs - which were agreed, but about our inability to work together on something basic, and important.
 
AniaPolska said:
While I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, my intuition is telling me that I am being told what I want to hear, and that he hasn’t actually changed. Should I trust my intuition or should I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt?
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I would trust your instincts on this. It sounds like he’s not really committed to chastity, and if deep down you feel like you should end it, you should probably end it. You aren’t obligated to date him. He doesn’t necessarily need to be a virgin, but he does need to be on the same page as you now as far as chastity is concerned. I think you’re right that he isn’t.
 
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