Virginity and marriage.

[ctb95]

As the victim of sexual assault as a teenager, I find some of these responses highly insulting.

OP, you are free, of course, to reject anyone for any reason. But Jesus has forgiven the repentant and it’s my opinion that holding someone’s past against them when they have repented is to put yourself above God. If He has forgiven her, why can’t you? Have you never made a mistake?

“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
they shall become like wool.”

I urge you to look for chastity over physical virginity. But if you are unable to do so for whatever reason, then I suppose the woman in question will have dodged a bullet.

This is great!

I’ve always wondered why we treat sexual sins differently than other sins. If people commit sexual sins, the stigma of their past mistakes is always with them, even if they are currently living chaste lives. I don’t see this kind of attitude about any other types of sin.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is great!

I’ve always wondered why we treat sexual sins differently than other sins. If people commit sexual sins, the stigma of their past mistakes is always with them, even if they are currently living chaste lives. I don’t see this kind of attitude about any other types of sin.

I think a lot of it is jealousy. Nothing cuts to the core of romance, love, desire, and attraction quite like sex. It’s natural that the idea of the person you love sharing any or all of the above with someone else would be hurtful, upsetting, and scary. I can imagine this would be especially true for someone who doesn’t have their own frame of reference for how inconsequential the past is.

That said, someone ill-equipped to get over that is probably not ready to deal with all of the real baggage and hurdles marriage brings (in-laws, illness, death, unexpected or special-needs children, just learning to live and share your entire life with someone else, etc). Being so controlled by your emotions, even ones as strong as jealousy, that you would overlook a good spouse (as though those grow on trees), is immaturity.

 

[E_7]

I dare to ask this kind of questions here because it is a religious thread since elsewhere it will cause controversy over women’s rights and freedom but hopefully here it won’t because abstinence is preached around here.

Is it unreasonable for a guy who is above thirty and still a virgin to ask that his wife be that too and more importantly how can he approaches her with the topic, at which point in their relationship, at which date and most importantly how since normally his date will be above twenty-five and someone who holds that long should have some solid Christian background.
I ask about that because a person with psychological disorders will obsess over the fact that if she didn’t have problems having premarital sex in the past she could cheat on him and that will be the end of the relationship fully knowing that a girl who remained virgin until the marriage could stray too.

I am also very interested in girls and women (name removed by moderator)ut here.

The answer is in you. If you think you can’t handle and forget that your future non-virgin wife has a sexual past with other men without bringing it to your present (your mind our out loud at her), then I suggest you stick to find a virgin woman. Some people can’t live peacefully if their spouse has a sexual past with another prior to marriage, it depends on you and how you are and deal with things. I must say that it would be good to give a chance to those widowed women, you never know if a widowed married virgin, it just wouldn’t be fair to her. But, again, it depends on how you are with these things. You don’t want to live for the rest of your life and marriage wondering, questioning, doubting, and not trusting your wife if she has had a sexual past with other man. Seriously, some people can’t get over it.

 

[DarkLight]

As the victim of sexual assault as a teenager, I find some of these responses highly insulting.

To be fair, I think a lot of people don’t necessarily think of sexual assault victims when they think of virginity. I know a lot of Christian guys who would consider a woman who had been assaulted to still be a virgin.

 

[AdamP88]

As the victim of sexual assault as a teenager, I find some of these responses highly insulting.

OP, you are free, of course, to reject anyone for any reason. But Jesus has forgiven the repentant and it’s my opinion that holding someone’s past against them when they have repented is to put yourself above God. If He has forgiven her, why can’t you? Have you never made a mistake?

“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
they shall become like wool.”

**I urge you to look for chastity over physical virginity. **But if you are unable to do so for whatever reason, then I suppose the woman in question will have dodged a bullet.

Agree with this. We’ve been through this topic many times on here I think.
My advice would be that you can use whatever criteria you like to chose your future wife, but you will definitely be ruling out some very good women if you are dead set on marrying a virgin.

I would add that virginity itself is not necessarily a sign of virtue. It can also be a sign of lack of opportunity.

Out of curiosity OP, what is your main reason for wanting to marry a virgin?

 

[AClaire11]

To be fair, I think a lot of people don’t necessarily think of sexual assault victims when they think of virginity. I know a lot of Christian guys who would consider a woman who had been assaulted to still be a virgin.

If she has repented and God has washed away her sins, then what exactly is the difference? There are formerly unchaste saints; are we too good for them?

 

[AdamP88]

If she has repented and God has washed away her sins, then what exactly is the difference? There are formerly unchaste saints; are we too good for them?

Exactly. Blessed Charles De Foucauld, St. Augustine, St. Francis and St. Paul are just a few saints who completely changed their lives after a conversion.

Sure, St. Paul went around murdering Christians, then went on to become one of the greatest preachers of the early Church!!

 

[Lea101]

To be fair, I think a lot of people don’t necessarily think of sexual assault victims when they think of virginity. I know a lot of Christian guys who would consider a woman who had been assaulted to still be a virgin.

Really? After penetration? The people I know don’t feel that way because they strictly believe a virgin is someone who never had sex. Sex without consent is still sex I feel bad for rape victims. I met one and she had to constantly tell men (practising catholics) she is dating that she is not a virgin because she was raped and they all usually stopped asking her out

Anyway IMO people worship virginity way too much and act as if non virgins are forever ‘ruined’ because it’s a ‘gift’ to your husband/wife (usually to husbands bc this is usually said to women, but I will admit catholic men hear this too) which made most people abandon chastity and argue that waiting till marriage to have sex is sooo oppressive and sexist

Chastity is a gift, not virginity, just my 2 cents

To the OP: you had good answers here.

Asking someone if she is a virgin seems like a sensitive topic and you just can’t ask them on the first couple of dates. You would have to ‘waste time’ to find out.
You would do well to date women and ask them questions about their faith. Usually women who are really strong in their faith practise chastity, which is good. After you guys are more comfortable and serious with each other, then you would find out if she is a virgin or not. And then you decide what to do next!

 

[AdamP88]

Really? After penetration? The people I know don’t feel that way because they strictly believe a virgin is someone who never had sex. Sex without consent is still sex I feel bad for rape victims. I met one and she had to constantly tell men (practising catholics) she is dating that she is not a virgin because she was raped and they all usually stopped asking her out

Anyway IMO people worship virginity way too much and act as if non virgins are forever ‘ruined’ because it’s a ‘gift’ to your husband/wife (usually to husbands bc this is usually said to women, but I will admit catholic men hear this too) which made most people abandon chastity and argue that waiting till marriage to have sex is sooo oppressive and sexist

**Chastity is a gift, not virginity, just my 2 cents
**
To the OP: you had good answers here.

Asking someone if she is a virgin seems like a sensitive topic and you just can’t ask them on the first couple of dates. You would have to ‘waste time’ to find out.
You would do well to date women and ask them questions about their faith. Usually women who are really strong in their faith practise chastity, which is good. After you guys are more comfortable and serious with each other, then you would find out if she is a virgin or not. And then you decide what to do next!

Yes and Yes to the bold.

I know at least one Catholic lady, who practices chastity now, who was rejected because she wasn’t a virgin. In my humble opinion, any man who isn’t willing to overlook past sins at the person and their heart is shallow.

**Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”

Then He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”**

The words of Jesus Himself. To be honest I always think people who are looking specifically for a virgin have it all wrong. The idea that a person “can’t deal” with someone’s past sins is a self fulfilling prophecy.

End of the day…we’re all sinners. We all screw up. Non-virgins are lovable too.

 

[ctb95]

I think a lot of it is jealousy. Nothing cuts to the core of romance, love, desire, and attraction quite like sex. It’s natural that the idea of the person you love sharing any or all of the above with someone else would be hurtful, upsetting, and scary. I can imagine this would be especially true for someone who doesn’t have their own frame of reference for how inconsequential the past is.

That said, someone ill-equipped to get over that is probably not ready to deal with all of the real baggage and hurdles marriage brings (in-laws, illness, death, unexpected or special-needs children, just learning to live and share your entire life with someone else, etc). Being so controlled by your emotions, even ones as strong as jealousy, that you would overlook a good spouse (as though those grow on trees), is immaturity.

I fully agree with this.

 

[AdamP88]

The answer is in you. If you think you can’t handle and forget that your future non-virgin wife has a sexual past with other men without bringing it to your present (your mind our out loud at her), then I suggest you stick to find a virgin woman. Some people can’t live peacefully if their spouse has a sexual past with another prior to marriage, it depends on you and how you are and deal with things. I must say that it would be good to give a chance to those widowed women, you never know if a widowed married virgin, it just wouldn’t be fair to her. But, again, it depends on how you are with these things. You don’t want to live for the rest of your life and marriage wondering, questioning, doubting, and not trusting your wife if she has had a sexual past with other man. Seriously, some people can’t get over it.

I tend to think that someone who can’t get over it has maturity or insecurity issues. If you meet someone and they are perfect in every way except for the fact that they have sexual “baggage” from the past, and you reject them because of this, it seems to me that this is reducing the person to nothing but their sins.

We’ve had this thread repeated so many times and it’s always the same thing thrashed out over and over.

Bottom line:

• You can have whatever criteria you like for a future spouse. Even arbitrary or unreasonable criteria.
• Not everyone will agree with your criteria.

 

[Strydersroom]

If you love someone enough to want to marry them, it shouldn’t matter if they, or if you are a virgin or have had 100 previous partners, as long as you are honest and committed to each other from that point forward, that is what matters. Not their sexual past, or lack thereof.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Who? I get the impression that you are mocking me? Why? Because I firmly believe in no sex before marriage?

Ah well!

Not at all; I too believe in it. It is God’s plan for all men and women.

I just like the Hardy Boys. And Nancy Drew. And Amelia Bedelia.

 

[LethalMouse]

And don’t forget alot of people won’t support your decision because saying you want a virgin is important is inherently insulting to thise who can no longer have such a claim.

So many friends, relatives, forum posters will make it sound like you are wrong for valuing what they themselves do not have.

 

[Rosebud77]

To be fair, I think a lot of people don’t necessarily think of sexual assault victims when they think of virginity. I know a lot of Christian guys who would consider a woman who had been assaulted to still be a virgin.

Thank you

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

I tend to think that someone who can’t get over it has maturity or insecurity issues. If you meet someone and they are perfect in every way except for the fact that they have sexual “baggage” from the past, and you reject them because of this, it seems to me that this is reducing the person to nothing but their sins.

The fact that a formerly promiscuous person (of either sex) has turned away from sin and committed themself to Christ and living a chaste life is a cause for celebration in Heaven, no doubt. It does not make someone who is unwilling to accept the amassing of 30+ lovers by a prospective spouse immature or a jerk. A career burglar may repent and save his soul. That is fantastic, but it doesn’t mean I’m letting him near my fine china.

Practical advice for the OP - you want a virgin. OK. You indicate you are in your 30’s. I would shoot for a young lady about 10 years your junior as the pool of virgins is likely to be larger. Since you are in your 30’s, I’m hoping you 1. Have an established career? 2. Maybe a little $ saved? 3. Perhaps own a home or condo? These are big potential advantages over younger men who may be courting the same women. Women like to feel secure, and the rare Western woman who has remained a virgin into her 20’s is probably going to be pretty discerning about who she “gives” it to. So not to sound crass, but what are you bringing to the table that should make her pick you to be the one?

 

[Rosebud77]

If you love someone enough to want to marry them, it shouldn’t matter if they, or if you are a virgin or have had 100 previous partners, as long as you are honest and committed to each other from that point forward, that is what matters. Not their sexual past, or lack thereof.

But they have been committed already 100 times… NO WAY .

 

[oldrover]

The fact that a formerly promiscuous person (of either sex) has turned away from sin and committed themself to Christ and living a chaste life is a cause for celebration in Heaven, no doubt. It does not make someone who is unwilling to accept the amassing of 30+ lovers by a prospective spouse immature or a jerk.

What about 20 lovers, or 15, or 10, or 5? What about 1? If Heaven is celebrating, why shouldn’t we? “God forgives you… but I still think you’re a slut.” Good grief.

IMHO… if you’re a practicing Catholic… and your prospective non-virgin spouse is a practicing Catholic… and she has repented and confessed her past to a priest, receiving absolution… then her sins are washed away and she is as she was at baptism. I don’t see what the issue would be, except just the OP’s preference. OP’s first dates must be interesting… at what point comes the request for the hymen inspection? LOL

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Bottom line:

• You can have whatever criteria you like for a future spouse. Even arbitrary or unreasonable criteria.
• Not everyone will agree with your criteria.

It always comes back to this, as AdamPeter, 1KE and others said.

You can have any standards you want. Opinions of those standards are irrelevant. What one person finds acceptable in a spouse, others will find to be deal breakers. There is no point in me getting offended if one person’s criteria would have eliminated me while mine would have eliminated them. Frankly, why should I care at all? We are talking about random anonymous folks on the internet. Who cares? I met my wife’s standards, and try to live up to Christ’s. The latter is frankly the only thing I should care about.

Make sure criteria are grounded in humility, God’s word, and pray to the Holy Spirit to always direct your thoughts and motivations. Beyond that, have your standards, and be prepared to live with whatever options they present you. We cannot complain if we get less than we desire when we compromise our standards, nor can we complain when we don’t get achieve our goal as quickly as we would like when we stick to those standards. We must be able to accept both realities.

 

[ctb95]

And don’t forget alot of people won’t support your decision because saying you want a virgin is important is inherently insulting to thise who can no longer have such a claim.

So many friends, relatives, forum posters will make it sound like you are wrong for valuing what they themselves do not have.

Of course virginity should be valued! There is nothing wrong with that, and nobody here is saying that that’s wrong. That’s ideally the type of girl I’d like to marry too. But to completely disqualify a good, holy Catholic woman because of a past mistake is very shallow and childish.