Virginity and marriage.

[oldrover]

Of course virginity should be valued! There is nothing wrong with that, and nobody here is saying that that’s wrong. That’s ideally the type of girl I’d like to marry too. But to completely disqualify a good, holy Catholic woman because of a past mistake is very shallow and childish.

This.

 

[Padres1969]

And don’t forget alot of people won’t support your decision because saying you want a virgin is important is inherently insulting to thise who can no longer have such a claim.

So many friends, relatives, forum posters will make it sound like you are wrong for valuing what they themselves do not have.

Ok I’ll bite. I did have what the OP wants with regard to virginity prior to my marriage.

And yet I agree with everyone on this thread who is stating that if you’re not willing to look past a sin from the past forgiven by God, to see current chastity, then you’re frankly letting the notion of physical virginity cloud your judgement.

 

[chero23]

I’m a married woman.

My advice to you is don’t give up an opportunity for relationship with a good God-fearing practicing Catholic woman who has made past mistakes, but now is living a pure and chaste life. The NOW is the important part. Is the woman living chastely now? Is she willing to remain chaste during your time of dating? These are the questions to be asking. You really might pass up a very good Catholic woman if past mistakes are “unforgiveable” to you. We all sin. How would you like a woman to turn you down because you committed past sins that are just “unforgiveable” in her eyes? Get my drift here?

If I may ask, and I do so respectfully. When you say, she “made mistakes in her past”, how far back are we talking about and how many sex partners right?

I don’t think you can trust somebody who says. well I used to party all the time and had alot of sex partners but I changed a month ago. That doesn’t seem wise of me to trust them.

Now if she says, I was in a relationship for 8 years with my high school sweetheart, yes we had sex, but that was 7 years ago. Then you know, that’s understandable.

 

[chero23]

As the victim of sexual assault as a teenager, I find some of these responses highly insulting.

OP, you are free, of course, to reject anyone for any reason. But Jesus has forgiven the repentant and it’s my opinion that holding someone’s past against them when they have repented is to put yourself above God. If He has forgiven her, why can’t you? Have you never made a mistake?

“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
they shall become like wool.”

I urge you to look for chastity over physical virginity. But if you are unable to do so for whatever reason, then I suppose the woman in question will have dodged a bullet.

But, if his standards is to date a virgin, to me, I would like someone who had not been around the city a couple of times. But I have said, if the girl tells me, I was raped as a youngster and lived a “normal” life since then, not using that event to sleep around, I wouldn’t use that against her.

If the girl, just wants to party, and have sex with every guy, then yes, I will scratch her off my list.

 

[E_7]

I tend to think that someone who can’t get over it has maturity or insecurity issues. If you meet someone and they are perfect in every way except for the fact that they have sexual “baggage” from the past, and you reject them because of this, it seems to me that this is reducing the person to nothing but their sins.

OR psychological problems or traumas.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Ok I’ll bite. I did have what the OP wants with regard to virginity prior to my marriage.

And yet I agree with everyone on this thread who is stating that if you’re not willing to look past a sin from the past forgiven by God, to see current chastity, then you’re frankly letting the notion of physical virginity cloud your judgement.

Again, his standards are his standards, and his motivations are his motivations. Only the individual can answer whether or not the motives are noble.

We will never get an agreed to list of what qualities are acceptable to seek or must haves in a spouse. It is a personal choice.

What we can agree on that we must all live with the standards we set, for good or for ill. Why is whether or not you or I think his criteria is relevant worth discussing?

His questions was “is it unreasonable to ask a potential spouse to be a virgin as he is?” I’d say you can ask a potential spouse almost anything, so very little is unrealistic to ask. How they respond is a separate topic.

Technically, he didn’t ask whether or not we thought his criteria mattered or was of any importance.

 

[pensmama87]

But, if his standards is to date a virgin, to me, I would like someone who had not been around the city a couple of times. But I have said, if the girl tells me, I was raped as a youngster and lived a “normal” life since then, not using that event to sleep around, I wouldn’t use that against her.

If the girl, just wants to party, and have sex with every guy, then yes, I will scratch her off my list.

Yikes. I’m sure you must mean this very, very differently than it sounded.

 

[Padres1969]

Again, his standards are his standards, and his motivations are his motivations. Only the individual can answer whether or not the motives are noble.

We will never get an agreed to list of what qualities are acceptable to seek or must haves in a spouse. It is a personal choice.

What we can agree on that we must all live with the standards we set, for good or for ill. Why is whether or not you or I think his criteria is relevant worth discussing?

His questions was “is it unreasonable to ask a potential spouse to be a virgin as he is?” I’d say you can ask a potential spouse almost anything, so very little is unrealistic to ask. How they respond is a separate topic.

Technically, he didn’t ask whether or not we thought his criteria mattered or was of any importance.

Your point is valid. However I was responding to the criticism of those who questioned the OP’s motivations as doing so because they were not able to make the same claim to desire a virgin. Implication being that they and or their significant other were are not virgins. When that’s not the case.

 

[Strydersroom]

Again, having sex, whether it’s a lot of a little, does not make one dirty/a slut/used/etc…I don’t know why there’s such a stigma. If you fall in love and get married it absolutely should not matter how many partners they have had, if any.

 

[AClaire11]

I know a woman who describes her past self as a total Mary Magdalene. She even had, I believe, two children out of wedlock. She turned from her ways, became a devout Catholic, converted her husband, and is raising her beautiful large family in the faith. Her faithfulness has inspired so many, and she is full of love and has faithfully endured more suffering than many will ever experience. She’s honestly the closest to a living saint out of anyone I’ve ever met.

 

[porthos11]

Widows?
Annulled?
Rape victims?

 

[AdamP88]

There is a difference between making a few mistakes and sleeping with every person you can.

One is understandable. One is probably a sign of some issues.

 

[chero23]

Yikes. I’m sure you must mean this very, very differently than it sounded.

People have sometimes found hard things in their lives (death to a dear family member or friend, lost of a job, harships, even rape) and used drugs, become alcoholics, others sex.

What I said, and I stick by it, I will clarify, is if the girl, tells me, You know I was raped when I was 12 by x guy, but she shows that she’s a great person, God fearing person, did not let that event bring her down (or use that event as sympathy for herself) then it should not be counted against her.

The reason why I say that, is bc when I was 16 my parents split. Some of my friends said, “Dude, start acting wild, drugs, sex, alcohol, party, and blame it on your parents getting a divorce”. I said, “are you stupid, why would I do that, that won’t solve anything”. Other hard things had happened before my parents divorve, but I knew me acting up and blaming it on those events wasn’t going to justify anything.

 

[chero23]

There is a difference between making a few mistakes and sleeping with every person you can.

One is understandable. One is probably a sign of some issues.

Exactly. Couldn’t agree more.
I would take the 1st.

 

[pensmama87]

There is a difference between making a few mistakes and sleeping with every person you can.

One is understandable. One is probably a sign of some issues.

Right.

I think it’s important, when discerning what matters to you in a future spouse, is why something matters. Virginity is better than non-virginity, and I’m comfortable saying that even as a person who was not a virgin at marriage. But virginity also doesn’t tell the whole story. There are people who are virgins who are not committed to chastity at all, and there are non-virgins who are committed to chastity.

If the OP prefers that, it’s fine, but I certainly don’t blame other posters seeking clarification about what the OP means by virginity. It might help the OP with his own thought process on the matter.

 

[oldrover]

Ok I’ll bite. I did have what the OP wants with regard to virginity prior to my marriage.

And yet I agree with everyone on this thread who is stating that if you’re not willing to look past a sin from the past forgiven by God, to see current chastity, then you’re frankly letting the notion of physical virginity cloud your judgement.

I had what the OP wants… but I was not a virgin myself. I am so thankful that it wasn’t a deal-breaker, and remorseful for making that mistake. And we are married 30 years this September… so mutual virginity is not necessary for a long and (mostly ) happy marriage.

 

[UbiCaritas]

As others have said, one can have any standards one wants in marriage, and if virginity is so important to one potential spouse, he or she shouldn’t marry a non-virgin. One thing did occur to me this morning, however.

If a woman who had formerly lived a promiscuous and sinful life converted, turned her life around, and discovered a religious vocation, she would be welcomed with open arms by her Lord and Spouse*.

Interestingly, it would seem that He sometimes has rather lower standards than other men.

*And, of course, her community of sisters

 

[pensmama87]

People have sometimes found hard things in their lives (death to a dear family member or friend, lost of a job, harships, even rape) and used drugs, become alcoholics, others sex.

What I said, and I stick by it, I will clarify, is if the girl, tells me, You know I was raped when I was 12 by x guy, but she shows that she’s a great person, God fearing person, did not let that event bring her down (or use that event as sympathy for herself) then it should not be counted against her.

The reason why I say that, is bc when I was 16 my parents split. Some of my friends said, “Dude, start acting wild, drugs, sex, alcohol, party, and blame it on your parents getting a divorce”. I said, “are you stupid, why would I do that, that won’t solve anything”. Other hard things had happened before my parents divorve, but I knew me acting up and blaming it on those events wasn’t going to justify anything.

It is a great blessing to be so resilient.

 

[ctb95]

As others have said, one can have any standards one wants in marriage, and if virginity is so important to one potential spouse, he or she shouldn’t marry a non-virgin. One thing did occur to me this morning, however.

If a woman who had formerly lived a promiscuous and sinful life converted, turned her life around, and discovered a religious vocation, she would be welcomed with open arms by her Lord and Spouse*.

Interestingly, it would seem that He sometimes has rather lower standards than other men.

*And, of course, her community of sisters

Very wise observation!

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

What about 20 lovers, or 15, or 10, or 5? What about 1? If Heaven is celebrating, why shouldn’t we? “God forgives you… but I still think you’re a slut.” Good grief.

IMHO… if you’re a practicing Catholic… and your prospective non-virgin spouse is a practicing Catholic… and she has repented and confessed her past to a priest, receiving absolution… then her sins are washed away and she is as she was at baptism. I don’t see what the issue would be, except just the OP’s preference. OP’s first dates must be interesting… at what point comes the request for the hymen inspection? LOL

My last post in this thread, as there is little else to say. Having our sins loosed in Heaven is a wonderful thing, but there still may be consequences whilst we are attached to this mortal coil.

If I get drunk, hop in the car and kill someone in a crash, I can be forgiven if I repent of my ways and make a good confession. That is wonderful for my soul. But down here on Earth, someone is still dead, and their surviving loved ones may not be anxious to break bread with me. A porn star might turn away from that life and become a picture of what a practicing Catholic woman should be. I’m still not putting a ring on her finger. Others are free to do so if they wish.