Virginity, suicide

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read threads about virginity. remembered how i failed. was virgin at 20. Thought french kissing wasn’t sinful. learned it could be mortal sin after the damage was done. I had my first kiss at 20. gave my virginity away due to french kissing and not knowing how to handle older date and pressure. have an adopted dad who went to jail at this time for cheating on my mom with someone my age. he also was on marijuanna at the time and before that alcoholic and mean. have biological dad who hardly ever calls. had to track him down myself just to find him and have to call or write first just to keep in touch.
continued to date this same person because I thought this person would marry me. didn’t happen. told me if i kept giving myself to this person this person would marry me. i couldn’t keep it up after months. got dumped. bated person back by giving myself away again and again. got dumped again. got into another older person relationship. pressured to give myself and finally did over and over. felt like killing myself. i couldn’t give myself to my spouse completely anymore. i didn’t deserve to live i thought. i wanted to give myself completely but messed up. I sorrow over it day and night. Never can forget.
then received Eucharist in mortal sin and quite a bit of times. thought it would be fine because I could go to confession but sinned with the sin of presumption. Regret this too. Sorrow. Suicidal thoughts. sinning again by these.
straightened up now. suicide i try not to think of. don’t want to sin. hate what i have done. think what if I could have kept virginity? what if i could have found someone and gave myself in marriage completely? but now I never could. don’t deserve spouse.
tried to get into consecrated life but ruined that opportunity when I was committing sacrilege just to look good in front of community was trying to get into. repented but even though they didn’t know I committed sin i knew. head community member knew I didn’t belong there. Told me it was my prayer life but I straigtened up and asked to try again years later and same response. rejection after repentance. Sorrow and Regret. now I am haunted by the nightmare of my past forever and when everyone on judgement day sees what I have done, I will just know that I deserve humiliation if i am not in heaven at time.
 
You are being too hard on yourself. You clearly have remorse for what you did, and you have repented. You have been to Reconcilliation. Your sins are all forgiven. If you feel you left something out, make a list and take it to reconcilliation. Share with the priest how you feel about your past and listen to him.

I had a similar experience to you. I lasted until 23. I carried the weight of my sins, and mine were pretty bad, for 12 years. I attended a weekend retreat which included reconcilliation. I let go of my sins and allowed Jesus to take them from me.

My life has been much better ever since then.

I am close to twice your age. I have been happily married for 13 years, and have 5 wonderful children.

Reconcilliation is a gift. Just accept it.
 
Hello. Your problem is very distressing, but not worth all of this pain. If you believe in the new testament (which I have a feeling you do) then you know that God knows only forgivness to his repentant children. Your post is saturated with anguish and guilt, surely no punishment in hell can teach you what you’ve already learned. On a less philosophical and much more inappropriate topic, I am a 25 year old male, and honestly I would be a little unnerved by a 25 year old virgin. I am not implying that women should be premiscuous, just that commiting for a lifetime to a woman with no experience seems dangerous. A less pious woman would begin to wonder what else was out there and i want to know my wife is with me because she knows what is out there and she prefers me. So there is always a different perspective, don’t be so cynical. Life is a series of mistakes, it is what you learn from these mistakes that determine who you are, not the mistakes themselves. So cheer up 🙂
 
Regret2mygrave:
read threads about virginity. remembered how i failed. was virgin at 20. Thought french kissing wasn’t sinful. learned it could be mortal sin after the damage was done. I had my first kiss at 20. gave my virginity away due to french kissing and not knowing how to handle older date and pressure. have an adopted dad who went to jail at this time for cheating on my mom with someone my age. he also was on marijuanna at the time and before that alcoholic and mean. have biological dad who hardly ever calls. had to track him down myself just to find him and have to call or write first just to keep in touch.
continued to date this same person because I thought this person would marry me. didn’t happen. told me if i kept giving myself to this person this person would marry me. i couldn’t keep it up after months. got dumped. bated person back by giving myself away again and again. got dumped again. got into another older person relationship. pressured to give myself and finally did over and over. felt like killing myself. i couldn’t give myself to my spouse completely anymore. i didn’t deserve to live i thought. i wanted to give myself completely but messed up. I sorrow over it day and night. Never can forget.
then received Eucharist in mortal sin and quite a bit of times. thought it would be fine because I could go to confession but sinned with the sin of presumption. Regret this too. Sorrow. Suicidal thoughts. sinning again by these.
straightened up now. suicide i try not to think of. don’t want to sin. hate what i have done. think what if I could have kept virginity? what if i could have found someone and gave myself in marriage completely? but now I never could. don’t deserve spouse.
tried to get into consecrated life but ruined that opportunity when I was committing sacrilege just to look good in front of community was trying to get into. repented but even though they didn’t know I committed sin i knew. head community member knew I didn’t belong there. Told me it was my prayer life but I straigtened up and asked to try again years later and same response. rejection after repentance. Sorrow and Regret. now I am haunted by the nightmare of my past forever and when everyone on judgement day sees what I have done, I will just know that I deserve humiliation if i am not in heaven at time.
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No one here is without sin… no one here blames you… everyone here wishes you peace! Everyone here loves you… now, everyone here wants you to start loving yourself a little bit more everyday. Stick close to the people in this forum, you will find us imperfect, but you will find us willing to listen… you are never alone… the body of Chist (members of these forums) are here to help you… and we welcome the opportunity to share with you our lives and our mistakes… YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Be not afraid…
 
You are certainly not alone. You must realize that many many of us have messed up and had premarital sex. Just because you have sinned doesnt mean you are damaged goods forever and that no one will want you, or that you dont “deserve” a partner in life.

One thing I am sensing in your post is that you havent forgiven yourself --that you seem to be blocking out acknowledgement of the LORD’S forgiveness because you are so focused on your own regret.
You must yeild to the Lord! Confession is where we are totally reconciled to God. He HAS forgiven you! When we go to confession we really get to start a new life-- we are “born again” out of our sin. If you have confessed past sins then you have to overcome your past and focus on your present and future. We can’t change our past but it sounds like you are trying to walk a path of holiness… so look around and look for the blessings and graces that God is pouring out on you today…
God Bless
K
 
I had to confess some serious stuff recently. Once I did, I was told, “Now you don’t have to think of these things again.” I thank my priest for telling me that. When I find myself wandering back to those dark times, I remember his words. I hope you can find comfort in his words too.

Have you seen someone about depression? Life is far too wonderful to spend under a dark cloud. Come on out into the sunshine, Friend!
 
Dear regret - Please read the story of SAINT Margaret of Cortona (here’s the link to the online Catholic Encyclopedia article… newadvent.org/cathen/09653b.htm. Margaret as a teenager ran away from home with her lover and lived with him out of wedlock for 9 years. She had an illegitimate child. Yet she is now officially a saint of the Catholic Church (you might guess by my nickname that she is my patron, and you’d be right!).

We all make mistakes - often serious ones. But we can repent, and more importantly, if we do, WE WILL BE FORGIVEN! I chose Margaret as my patron when I converted because her sainthood was proof to me that I could be forgiven for the mistakes I had made in my own past. Pray to her that you may be given the grace to forgive yourself, and turn that nightmare you are haunted by into a joyful hope of union with our merciful Lord.

God bless you! Saint Margaret, pray for us.
 
Keep in mind the word reconciliation. That is such a wonderful description of the sacrament. We are once again in friendship with our Father. Also, you are not talking to a priest, you are talking to Jesus, and He already knows what you’ve done anyway. This truly is a sacrament of healing. Our souls are healed. Remember, God went looking for Adam. He wants to forgive us more than we want to confess our sins to Him. God wants us to live with Him in eternal happiness. Don’t you think He will do everything to make that possible? He became a man, limited, finite, so we could live with Him forever. We sometimes fail, fall, and offend Him, but no matter how many times we do, no matter how awful our sin, He is always there. Waiting for us to call on Him, Lord have mercy. He is always in the church, too. Stop in and spend time with Him. He loves us so much that He didn’t just leave after 33 years. He remains here for us in His Church. Receive Him as often as you can and spend time with Him as oftem as you can.
 
If God loves you and values you and wants you, shouldn’t you not hate yourself? He knows everything about you. All you’ve done and thought. I have just recently started to realize that I shouldn’t hate what God loves: me. God loves you and so should you.
 
Please dont’ distress yourself any longer. It’s not worth it!! lost my virginity at 15. Yes, it was young. Do I regret it? No, how can I? Sure i should of waited but it happened, it was an experience I learned from, and I moved on. It doesn’t matter what you do in this life, God will forgive you in the next. I truly believe that. Now that doesnt mean, go out and sin to your heart’s content. Try to live a less sinful life every day, and don’t worry about the slip-ups. They happen and God expects that to happen. He only created 2 beings without sin…Mary and of course…Jesus!! we can’t ever be either one of them, but we can try. That is why Jesus died for us.

I hope you feel better. My prayers are with you!!
 
I’m 40 and if I found a 40 year old virgin looking for marriage I’d be unnerved AND DELIGHTED. If everything else “checked out” (ie you had a real engagement where you learn about each other) then WHAT A JOY she would be.
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Wormwood:
On a less philosophical and much more inappropriate topic, I am a 25 year old male, and honestly I would be a little unnerved by a 25 year old virgin.
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mkupka i want to let it all go. it is difficult to do. i will talk again to a priest as you say. the last one i talked to was good but i couldn’t stop crying like you wouldn’t believe. i have a hard time not crying. wormword i really had a hard lesson but i did learn. i want to be more joyful. space ghost i love myself more because all of you do and i love all of you too. i want to be not afraid to live without so much regret. kirabira i will do the best i can to focus on the present and future. if possible i would like to be holy someday. anonymous you are a friend to me too. i will think of his words. i don’t want to think of my past sins unless i have too. i talked to someone about depression and i was told by this professional that i was just really sad not depressed. that was years ago. margaretcortona i went to the link you gave me. she is an inspiring woman. i am glad their is hope for people who have sinned like this. i hope this hope applies to my situation as well. i will pray to her to foget my nightmare. guse you are right to say that i shouldn’t hate myself. since God loves me so much i need to focus on that so that i can love myself more. i will spend time more often with Jesus when i can. i do want to be able to recieve Him more often. rapaela i need to move on. i will work on being less sinful each day. i want to be more like Jesus and Mary. everyone’s words here are making me feel better. thinker i hope you find that girl. a virgin girl is a delight to be around unless she has impure thoughts. when i was a virgin i was so trusting and joyful. i even wanted to stay a virgin forever at one point in my life but as i told you i failed.
 
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raphaela:
Please dont’ distress yourself any longer. It’s not worth it!! lost my virginity at 15. Yes, it was young. Do I regret it? No, how can I? Sure i should of waited but it happened, it was an experience I learned from, and I moved on. It doesn’t matter what you do in this life, God will forgive you in the next. I truly believe that. Now that doesnt mean, go out and sin to your heart’s content. Try to live a less sinful life every day, and don’t worry about the slip-ups. They happen and God expects that to happen. He only created 2 beings without sin…Mary and of course…Jesus!! we can’t ever be either one of them, but we can try. That is why Jesus died for us.

I hope you feel better. My prayers are with you!!
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That was a very consoling reply you gave. If we could only remember how much God loves us , we could forgive ourselves better. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for being so evil and offending Him so outrageously. I too dread Judgement Day.
 
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MargaretCortona:
Dear regret - Please read the story of SAINT Margaret of Cortona (here’s the link to the online Catholic Encyclopedia article… newadvent.org/cathen/09653b.htm. Margaret as a teenager ran away from home with her lover and lived with him out of wedlock for 9 years. She had an illegitimate child. Yet she is now officially a saint of the Catholic Church (you might guess by my nickname that she is my patron, and you’d be right!).

We all make mistakes - often serious ones. But we can repent, and more importantly, if we do, WE WILL BE FORGIVEN! I chose Margaret as my patron when I converted because her sainthood was proof to me that I could be forgiven for the mistakes I had made in my own past. Pray to her that you may be given the grace to forgive yourself, and turn that nightmare you are haunted by into a joyful hope of union with our merciful Lord.

God bless you! Saint Margaret, pray for us.
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Excellent!! I agree. Also, let’s not forget Saint Augustine of Hippo, who also lived with a woman out of wed-lock for a time, and fathered a son named Adeodatus out of wed-lock. St. Augustine repented, and was baptized together with Adeodatus.
The world at times does not forgive, but GOD always does if we repent. The devil is playing guilt games with your mind. I too am not proud of many things in my past, and the devil brings them to mind sometimes, but I ask Blessed Mary to help me, and she does.
God bless you, and may God be your peace.
 
Sorrow for sin is a VERY great grace and a gift of God. Be grateful for it. With your faith (and if you follow up on the good counsel you have received here), this grace can lead you to the heart of God, if you let it. They say St. Peter – who SURELY knew that Jesus had forgiven him – shed tears every day of his life for having denied his Lord.

Joy is not necessarily exhilaration. It often involves much sorrow.
 
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom the Bible says. It sounds like you have repented of your sin, so our Lord will be merciful. The fact that you still feel remorse for your sin does not mean you were not forgiven, even after forgiveness we must live with the consequence of our sins. However, praying to the Lord for mercy will result in His gift of grace-ask for this grace specifically and it will strengthen you. Continue to receive the sacraments to help strengthen your resolve.

God Bless!
 
Remember the connection of being forgiven AND being healed. You were wounded at a young age by the actions of your biological father and your adopted father. The reason why parents have such a grave responsibility and moral obligation to teach and raise thier children well is because thier parenting does have a very big impact on the growth of the person on all levels.

You kept giving yourself to a man so he would be with you. Anything to not be rejected AGAIN by a man. Anything for male approval. Were you created to think in such a way, or were you taught by those who were responsible for you to think in such a way? You must be honest with yourself, and sometimes that means a lessoning of responsibility for our actions. You must acknowledge that though you are forgiven you are still wounded. Allow God to heal you.

Christ accomplished forgiveness of sin on the cross, but he accomplished freedom and victory over sin from His RESURRECTION. Your post has shown us Christ crucified. Where is Christ resurrected in your life? Seek Him.

From the Cross to the Resurrection He took the ugliness of sin and made it BEAUTIFUL! Not in spite of it, but BECAUSE of it! There lies His victory over sin. How has Jesus used the very acts of sin in your life, which by it’s [sin] nature is destructive, and by His nature made you more beautiful and more like Him? Allow Christ resurrected to live in you. He will if you ask.

Ecclesiasticusc 30:24,25
Have pity on thy own soul, pleasing God, and contain thyself: gather up thy heart in his holiness: and drive away sadness far from thee. ( notice the order)
For sadness hath killed many, and there is no profit in it.

Allow Him to make your sin profitable for you and for others. Without God, past sins destroy. With God they bear witness to His Glory.
 
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Wormwood:
I am a 25 year old male, and honestly I would be a little unnerved by a 25 year old virgin. I am not implying that women should be premiscuous, just that commiting for a lifetime to a woman with no experience seems dangerous.
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Wormwood,

I hope when you say unnerved, you do not mean in a negative way. Chastity is a virtue, and as such should always be celebrated. Although many of us fail to keep it long enough, it is no less a virtue. My wife was 23, and not experienced at all. We have been happily married for 13 years, and just had our 5th child. Commiting for a lifetime is the only form of commitment. Anything less than a lifetime is not a commitment. As far as being dangerous, I’d consider the emotional trauma, risk of HIV, and other STD’s, and pregnancy to be far greater risks than virginity. As Regret2mygrave has shared with us her burdens, she has done a great service to anyone contemplating a similar path.
 
tcaynine i am having a lot of trouble forgetting what i have done. my parents still think i am so good and so do some of my family members. they don’t know what i’ve done and would love me less if they did or ever found out.
misericordie Saint Augustine is a very inspiring man. i will pray to him and to the Blessed Mother to help me. the devil plays a lot of guilt games with my mind.
mercygate i hadn’t thought about that. maybe that is what God is giving me sorrow for sin. St. Peter is a good example for me to remember that it is all right to cry because of these mistakes. i really don’t like to cry so much in confession but when i do i will think of St. Peter. you also reminded me that joy only comes after sorrow and maybe i will be more joyful due to my sorrow.
pauline i will pray for mercy. i need it. these consequence are making me wish that i had a choice to end my life, but i know that this is wrong. i would not do that but that is how i feel.
Ana i wish i had talked to you too when i was in counseling because that makes a lot of sense. i really do crave a man’s approval. i still try to keep in contact with my biological dad but i still have to call or write first. he says he cares about me but he doesn’t seem like he wants to build up our daughter father relationship. my other dad has straightened up but i have a hard time hugging him or being a daughter to him because i remember how much my mom and my sibling were hurt because of his crazy ways. i forgave him i think but i have trouble forgetting when i am around him. he still has a problem with his temper at times and sometimes he will curse or call my little siblings names. i freeze before i defend them because it makes me sad and upset at the same time. i haven’t thought much about God making my sin profitable. that is profound. yet i do say he has given me a lot of blessings. he has blessed me with a family of my own. i did marry even though i feel terrible that my spouse didn’t get a virgin and i think my spouse married me because my spouse felt sorry for me. but that must be how Christ resurrected in my life. he sent someone like all of you in my life to help me to see me how Christ sees me. although i can never tell my kids how i saved myself for my spouse at least i can say that they are part of Christ’s resurrection in my life. maybe i can help them stay virgins until marriage. maybe that is how i can continue allowing Him to make the sin i told you about profitable for others.
mkupka congratulations on your fifth child. i do hope that what i told people here can show others not to make these mistakes. if it does help someone then maybe there is some hope for me too.
 
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