Visitation from cohabitating nephew and his girlfriend

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Millie123

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Here’s my situation:

I’m catholic. My husband and his side of the family are not Catholic. My 25 year old nephew, on my husband’s side, and his girlfriend are planning a visit to my home for 2 nights in May. My husband doesn’t see anything wrong with his nephews living arrangement. I asked my husband if the couple can can sleep in separate bed’s. He said “no, they’re nearly married.” I then asked my husband if he can ask his nephew to sleep on the couch. He said “No. They sleep together already and it is none of our business”

So I’m feeling stuck, frustrated, and a bit of a hypocrit. To be perfectly honest with you. I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life as a fallen away Catholic. I’ve only been back to the church for 3 years. My husband and I cohabitated with each other for 8 years before getting married in the church and I returned back to the faith. So with our history of living together like that. It has been hard for me to not feel like a hypocrit when talking about this with my husband. I just want to be clear that I do accept church’s teaching on this now. My husband does not see anything wrong with cohabitation.

And I’ve asked my husband to discuss the sleeping situation during the visit with his nephew. But I’ve been told no, they’re going to be sleeping in the same bed. I don’t want to ostracise my nephew from our home. But I also don’t want to compromise my Catholic values by having 2 unmarried people sleeping together in my home

I don’t know what more to say. I’ve made my feelings on this situation clear to my husband (but again that did not go very well.). Talking to my nephew about this does not feel like an option either. I’ve only met my nephew once for about 4 hours, 5 years ago.

Right now Im just wanting to vent a little. Does anyone have any advice?
 
This may sound weird, but why not ask your husband to put them up in a decent hotel during their stay. That way they visit but then return to their hotel without bringing that aspect into your home.
 
HerCrazierHalf said:
This may sound weird, but why not ask your husband to put them up in a decent hotel during their stay. That way they visit but then return to their hotel without bringing that aspect into your home.
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This is very good advice but my husband will not go for it. My husband and his family are from a different country. Not welcoming my husband’s own nephew into my home and making him go to a hotel would be considered inhospitable and rude.
 
If you don’t mind me asking, do you have minor children living at home?

My opinion would change depending on if there are children present or not.

Culturally it is often very offensive not to welcome family members into your home. My husband is from Mexico and it would be so rude if we turned family away, and his family would never consider turning us away either. We have crammed all 10 of us into a tiny bedroom at his Aunt’s house-- just large enough for a full size bed and nothing else!–because it would have offended her if we chose a hotel over her home. Likewise, when his cousin came to the US for business, he stayed at our home. It was expected and honestly we wanted it too. My family, being from the US usually opts for a hotel instead if they ever visit (not often), it’s just not the same culturally. Expectations are different. You mention him being from a different country, so I’m assuming the expectation is similar. Your nephew would not want to disrespect his uncle by staying in a hotel because it would be similar to saying your home is not good enough. Your husband doesn’t want to disrespect his nephew by saying that he isn’t welcomed into his home and family.

Of course if you have kids at home your primary responsibility is to them and your duty is to teach them the faith. It would be much more complicated
 
I feel you have done everything you can, except outright war, to make your position known. I would personally be disappointed by my husband’s lack of support given it is your home as well. Understand he is from a different culture and does not have the same religious views. However a husband should put his wife;s feeling before his own in this sort of situation given your leadership in the home,
I know I do this with my wife as a simple sign of love and respect.you have done all you can so as to feel no personal blame from a religious perspective, but if I were in your shoes I would show the hospitality that should be shown to any guest, and to show respect for your husband, even if he doesn’t deserve it. (That is not to say he should not hear about your feelings for some considerable time in a respectful manner my wife, for instance has down pat.) This need not go on for as long as my wife’s feelings as you may find it turns him to drink like me.
 
Millie123 said:
Here’s my situation:

I’m catholic. My husband and his side of the family are not Catholic. My 25 year old nephew, on my husband’s side, and his girlfriend are planning a visit to my home for 2 nights in May. My husband doesn’t see anything wrong with his nephews living arrangement. I asked my husband if the couple can can sleep in separate bed’s. He said “no, they’re nearly married.” I then asked my husband if he can ask his nephew to sleep on the couch. He said “No. They sleep together already and it is none of our business”

So I’m feeling stuck, frustrated, and a bit of a hypocrit. To be perfectly honest with you. I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life as a fallen away Catholic. I’ve only been back to the church for 3 years. My husband and I cohabitated with each other for 8 years before getting married in the church and I returned back to the faith. So with our history of living together like that. It has been hard for me to not feel like a hypocrit when talking about this with my husband. I just want to be clear that I do accept church’s teaching on this now. My husband does not see anything wrong with cohabitation.

And I’ve asked my husband to discuss the sleeping situation during the visit with his nephew. But I’ve been told no, they’re going to be sleeping in the same bed. I don’t want to ostracise my nephew from our home. But I also don’t want to compromise my Catholic values by having 2 unmarried people sleeping together in my home

I don’t know what more to say. I’ve made my feelings on this situation clear to my husband (but again that did not go very well.). Talking to my nephew about this does not feel like an option either. I’ve only met my nephew once for about 4 hours, 5 years ago.

Right now Im just wanting to vent a little. Does anyone have any advice?
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I just wanted to respond where you said you feel like a hypocrite because you had done the same thing.

You needn’t feel like a hypocrite, you have repented and now are living as our Lord would have you live.
 
Millie123,
I think that since your son is pretty young, I think he probably wouldn’t notice it (that they are not married). If he were much older (say 7 or up), I think that would be a different story. As it is, maybe you can tell your husband that you will turn a blind eye to it this time, but in the future you will ask them to sleep separately.
It seems to me, that most traditional cultures that are so big on family love and hospitality, would also be pretty big on traditional moral values (i.e. not “shacking up” before marriage)? Now I am trying to guess what culture that would be?
🙂
 
What if YOU went to a hotel? Complete all of your hostess requirements and then leave until the next morning.

🤷
 
I am more concerned with the unilateral way in which your husband is dismissing you and your concerns. If things are as you relayed here, why is it that he is saying “yes” or “no” to you as if you are a child?

Are other decisions in the household made in such a way? Is there perhaps some passive aggressive behavior going on? Seems like there is more to this than just the nephew visiting.
 
Frankly, I’d be much more upset over my husband’s disregard of my strong feelings in this scenario than anything else. He is really disrespecting you by not even considering your side, when you have told him how important it is to you.

There is a lot of “give and take” in a marriage, and especially in the early years, I tended to be the giver…to the point where it wasn’t always the right thing to do. However, there were always a few non-negotiable areas where I would dig in my heels. Perhaps you need to find out what your non-negotiable areas are?

I would talk it over with the priest next time you are at Confession, and follow whatever advice he gives you.
 
I just want to reply to a couple of comments that have been made about my husband and my marriage. Yes 99% of the time decisions of this magnitude are made together. No my husband is not in the habit of unilaterally making decisions in my marriage. I have been blessed with a very good and loving husband who 99.9% of the time is very attentive and respectful to my catholic beliefs. which I know many reading this will not believe me, But he is a very good, loving and respectful husband. In this situation my husband and I are at an impasse he feels strongly about welcoming his nephew and girlfriend into our home in their current living situation because as I said before my husband is from a different country. My husband is from Nepal. If you don’t know where Nepal is It’s a little country between India and China. Visits between my husband and his family are extremely rare. To show you my point. I’ve been together with my husband for 13 years. It was only last year that I’ve met my mother in law. I have 5 sisters in laws and one brother in law. And in 13 years I haven’t met a single one of them. I have numerous nieces and nephews on my husband’s side. This nephew who is visiting in May is the only one that I’ve met. Which like I said, I’ve only met him once for about 4 hours, 5 years ago. In the 13 years that my husband and I have been together my husband has only been back to Nepal twice. My son and I have not been to Nepal as a family. We just can’t afford it.

As you can see my husband’s visits with his family is extremely rare. This is an extremely rare visit that we are having with our nephew. It’s something that my husband is looking forward to because of the fact that he just does not get to see his family. That is why he is digging his heels with this. He does not want to disrespect his nephew by separating him from his girlfriend. My husband is not Catholic. He does not understand Catholic teaching on this. I just want to reiterate that I have a very good and loving husband. And a good marriage. So please don’t make unfair judgements about my husband or my marriage based on this post. My husband has his reasons for doing what he is doing. And I have mine. With this issue we are at an impasse
 
Millie123 said:
This is very good advice but my husband will not go for it. My husband and his family are from a different country. Not welcoming my husband’s own nephew into my home and making him go to a hotel would be considered inhospitable and rude.
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To be fair, the cohabitation and sharing a bed may not issue that makes much sense to non-Catholics or less traditional people. As such I can’t see a compromise that makes both of you happy. I have nothing helpful for you. 😦
Undoubtedly you see this as an issue affecting your child while he most likely sees no problem. So all that’s left is to ask that they respect your home and don’t engage in “relations” in your home. Be kind and polite in this request and if they are reasonable they may go along.

Keep in mind that it is likely that there are probably things your faith prompts you to ask of him that he doesn’t agree with but goes along with not for moral or religious reason but for you. The flip side is that he will occasionally have things that goes against your sensibilities that he will not yield on.
 
My take on the situation:

You were married after a long cohabitation during which, it appears that you were a lapsed Catholic. You were then married and then returned to the Church.

You changed the religious dynamic in the family. When you were married, I’m assuming there was no discussion about religion or the changing thereof.

I was/am in a similar case in my family (before we divorced) - I left Catholicism about 6 years ago, but my wife and daughter were still Catholic. When we married, it was with the understanding that I would remain Catholic. Therefore, I made a decision to tread very lightly in matters religious after I started attending UU services. I didn’t object to raising my daughter Catholic, or the religious things they taught her. In fact, I reinforced her lessons as much as I could and simply was silent when I couldn’t.

I see your situation similarly. You married a man with similar values and philosophies as you had at the time and by your admission, you engaged in the same behavior as your visitors. Your husband has not converted, nor does he share your opinion on this matter. He has not changed. You have.

I’m not trying to be a jerk, and I hope it’s not coming off as such. I’m trying to reinforce the dynamic (as I understand it, of course).

Because you are the only one in the family dynamic and family system that has changed, it is my advice that you tread lightly. Welcome them joyfully into your home.

Your husband knows your opinion. In time, he may come to share it.

Or not.
 
Millie123 said:
As you can see my husband’s visits with his family is extremely rare. This is an extremely rare visit that we are having with our nephew. It’s something that my husband is looking forward to because of the fact that he just does not get to see his family. That is why he is digging his heels with this. He does not want to disrespect his nephew by separating him from his girlfriend. My husband is not Catholic. He does not understand Catholic teaching on this. I just want to reiterate that I have a very good and loving husband. And a good marriage. So please don’t make unfair judgements about my husband or my marriage based on this post. My husband has his reasons for doing what he is doing. And I have mine. With this issue we are at an impasse
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99.9% of the time being very supportive of you wasn’t the tone from your original post, so thank you for clarifying. You write that your husband does not understand Catholic teaching on this. He doesn’t understand, or doesn’t agree? There is a difference.

You are indeed at an impasse, and it appears that you will go along with your husband’s decision. So not sure what you are asking for here.
 
Pax2u said:
Frankly, I’d be much more upset over my husband’s disregard of my strong feelings in this scenario than anything else. He is really disrespecting you by not even considering your side, when you have told him how important it is to you.
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There are two sides to every story, and the OP"s husband’s feelings should be considered by her as well. Here we have a woman, who was not a practicing Catholic, who cohabitated and engaged in premarital sex with her now-husband, who is not Catholic, and whose relatives are not Catholic, who had an epiphany three years ago, and changed her ways. That doesn’t mean her husband is going to be on board. He is otherwise supportive of her renewal of faith. But that doesn’t mean he has to be on board himself with it, or that it should affect the relationship he has with his other family members. They’re ALL one big family.

Unfortunately, when one marries a person who is not Catholic, and who wasn’t practicing at the time, they really can’t change all the rules when it suits them without creating a rift and a whole lot of turmoil. These are her husband’s family too. And his feelings are important too. One can say, " I’d be much more upset over my husband’s disregard of my strong feelings in this scenario", but what about HIS feelings?
Pax2u said:
There is a lot of “give and take” in a marriage, .
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Yes, there is. Keep in mind that OP’s hubby is not asking her to dictate house rules (that never were before) to her family. But she is doing so to him. She risks insulting his other family members just because she changed after the marriage and is trying to change the rules on him. Yes, she’s Catholic and they are the “right” rules, but we certainly wouldn’t be saying the same thing if the one who changed had changed to Judaism, Islam or any other religion. The Golden Rule applies here just like anywhere else. How would OP feel if the situation was reversed and her family was the side being dictated to?

Unfortunately, she really doesn’t have a choice in the matter if she wants to keep peace in the marriage because yes, this will cause a rift and will cause more problems. She is not culpable for his decisions, and unfortunately, these things happens when someone marries a spouse who doesn’t share the same religious values as they do.

So OP, by all means, if you don’t mind not keeping the peace, try to put your foot down (it doesn’t look like it will work as your hubby is set on this arrangement). Or you could arrange to not be there. But you’re probably better off compromising. These people are not Catholic and not required by the Church to adhere to Catholic rules and laws. So we can’t require that of them ourselves. You share a home with someone who is not Catholic. These aren’t his “friends”, these are his extended family.
 
11876956:
This may sound weird, but why not ask your husband to put them up in a decent hotel during their stay. That way they visit but then return to their hotel without bringing that aspect into your home.
Click to expand...
Such is not possible. One may not suggest a sinful alternative.
 
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