Visiting a dying person...what to say

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Gardenman

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I hope this is the right forum for this question.

Tomorrow I am going to visit a close friend that has only been given a few days to live. He is essentially “out of it” due to morphine and assorted pain meds, etc.
We don’t know if he can hear or not, but his sister is convinced that he can. Never having dealt with such a situation I don’t know what to say to him. I know not to expect any sort of response from him, but I’ve never done this before and really need some advice (Yes this man is a cradle Catholic like me.)

Us men have a problem with this sort of thing because of how we were raised, but I’m definitely willing to do it…I’m just at a loss for words.
 
Many would be surprised if they knew what people could hear when they can’t even talk.

Hold his hand. Let him know you are there. Let him know he’s fought the good fight and how much he means to you, that you will always value the friendship.
 
Hello Gardenman,
you will be in my prayers. I cared for a dying friend who spent his last two weeks in a hospice facility. I would visit every day and identify myself to him. Just say “hi there its your friend …(insert name)… again.”: I would hold his hand so that he could know physically that i was there while we talked. Verbally of course, it was a one way conversation, but when you hold the hand of a friend in yours there is a special sort of communication that i have no wrods for.
I would talk to him about what was going on. I told him about what was happening to him medically, and about how his friends and family were. I told him about the weather and how things were going in his neighborhood. I reminisced about things we had done together and i thanked him for being such a good friend to me. I told him that I loved him. Sometimes I’d read a bit of the new in the paper that I knew he would find interesting. Always I prayed for him.
There is no doubt in my mind, nor in those of the people who cared for him at hospice that he knew that I was there.
If you are an extraordinary minister of Holy Communion you might ask your priest if it is possible to bring communion to wher your friend is or if a priest can do so.
It is tough to find a better gift to offer than proximity to the Blessed Sacrament.
With another friend, I would sit by her bed and read the new Testament aloud. We worked our way through three gospels before God called her home. I have no idea how much she heard, but she heard as much as the Lord thought she needed and that’s fine by me.
You will find what you need to say to your firend. Be patient with yourself. A hug and a kiss and a squeeze of the hand are worth so much. may G od bless you.
jeannetherese
 
You may talk, you may hold his hand, remember the good old days. Laugh, cry. It’s all ok.

Let your friend know he is loved, and that it is ok. Let him know you are there, and even st in silence. You can read to him. Something funny, or something you know he’d like. News updates, whatever.

Your friend will feel the comfort and the love. That’s all that matters. He knows you’re sad to. And does not expect you to hide it. Obviously, you don’t want to get hysterical.

We went through this with a family member last year. She would greet people with. "well, I must be dying since you’re here. She’d laugh, tell joke, cry because she was sad it was over. She was very brave. It was awful and wonderful at the same time. You will treasure this time. It’s crazy but true! Pray for stength!
 
When my dear father was dying in the hospital we did not know if he could hear us or not either.

We took turns holding his hand and making him comfortable. We talked to him and told him that his whole family was here and we told him how much we loved him. We hugged him. My mother, my sisters and I all prayed the rosary in his room. He loved the rosary! We wept.

If he is able to receive the Eucharist please bring it to him make sure he has had the last rites from a Catholic priest if he is Catholic.

If you want to talk to him just say what is on your heart or if you like read psalms/prayers to him.
 
Take his hand, tell him how much his friendship has meant to you and that you will always remember the good times you shared. Then you might tell him some fun things you did together, like “do you remember when we…”. You can then just sit with him. When you leave you can squeeze his hand and tell him “may God be always with you… I will pray for you.” When my husband was in hospice we did not know if he heard us or not but I am always grateful that we all told him how much he meant to us and how much we loved him.
 
Of course its better to want to give than to receive. But i cant help but pray that when I’m dying, I’m surrounded by people who love me the way you all have loved others.
 
Wow !
I really appreciate the advice and suggestions from all of you and feel much better about how to handle this now. Thank you all so much.
He HAS had the last rights and was able to receive Holy Communion, thankfully.

Sadly, in our society, men aren’t encouraged to convey heartfelt feelings to one another the way women are “allowed” to do…but hearing your various stories has given me strength and “permission” (so to speak) and your recommendations will be followed.

I am confident the Holy Spirit will enable me to say and do what is right and appropriate.
(He already HAS thanks to all of you !).
 
Gardenman said:
Wow !
I really appreciate the advice and suggestions from all of you and feel much better about how to handle this now. Thank you all so much.
He HAS had the last rights and was able to receive Holy Communion, thankfully.

Sadly, in our society, men aren’t encouraged to convey heartfelt feelings to one another the way women are “allowed” to do…but hearing your various stories has given me strength and “permission” (so to speak) and your recommendations will be followed.

I am confident the Holy Spirit will enable me to say and do what is right and appropriate.
(He already HAS thanks to all of you !).
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Read the 23rd Psalm out loud.

Pray a decade of the rosary or the whole rosary. Any prayers out loud.

Pretend his eyes are open (if they are closed) and he is listening but just cannot respond. Talk about your family, tell him his family is doing fine, talk about anything!

Or, just sit there and hold his hand. He will know you are there. God bless you, his family and everyone concerned.

What kind of music does he love? Can you take a CD player or an iPod with speakers into the room and play some of what he loves? Make sure it’s what HE loves not what someone THINKS is appropriate, don’t start playing Gregorian chant unless it’s his favorite music! 😉
 
Gardenman said:
Sadly, in our society, men aren’t encouraged to convey heartfelt feelings to one another the way women are “allowed” to do…but hearing your various stories has given me strength and “permission” (so to speak) and your recommendations will be followed.
Click to expand...
Reading this thread reminds me of the last days my Grandpa lived. I saw a lot of men in tears during those last days. At the funeral Mass, it was us granddaughters who did the readings because the grandsons weren’t composed enough to read out loud. It’s times like this that it’s pretty much impossible to hide behind any kind of facade. I will never forget seeing my fireman/military (a real manly man) cousin cry and cry.

A while back, I read a book called “Midwife to the Soul.” It basically compares they dying process to the birthing process.

Gardenman - I hope you get the chance to tell your friend everything that’s on your heart. It will mean a lot to him, and a lot to you as well.
 
One thing to keep in mind, your visit is not just for your dying friend. Its also for your dying friend’s family. They need to hear your stories about your friend, they need to hear your goodbyes. Its closure for you, your friend, AND your friend’s family. Any time you spend, any words you say, no matter how trivial you may think they may be, your friend’s family will find comfort in them.

When my dad was dying, or had already passed. The stuff that gave me the greatest comfort, were his friends and family telling me stories about what their relationship with my dad. I wanted to hear stories about his life other than me relating to my dad as a daughter. Almost like a fly on the wall.
 
PatriceA said:
One thing to keep in mind, your visit is not just for your dying friend. Its also for your dying friend’s family. They need to hear your stories about your friend, they need to hear your goodbyes. Its closure for you, your friend, AND your friend’s family. Any time you spend, any words you say, no matter how trivial you may think they may be, your friend’s family will find comfort in them.

When my dad was dying, or had already passed. The stuff that gave me the greatest comfort, were his friends and family telling me stories about what their relationship with my dad. I wanted to hear stories about his life other than me relating to my dad as a daughter. Almost like a fly on the wall.
Click to expand...
This. x 100.
 
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