Visiting sister who lives with her boyfriend

[pumpkinbeast]

My mother recently accused me of not being loving, because I refuse to visit the apartment where my sister lives with her boyfriend. I just don’t want to appear to be supporting her decision to live in sin, or at least a very scandalous situation. (she is currently pregnant, so it’s definitely the former and not the latter, as far as I know) I haven’t cut off contact with her or anything, I do talk to her over the phone, or whenever she comes to our house for dinner or whatever. (I still live with my parents) I don’t ignore her boyfriend, either. I just don’t want to give the appearance of being fine and happy and flowers and rainbows about the fact that she’s living with her boyfriend, which my mom seems to think is the ‘loving’ way of dealing with it. Doesn’t love involve not supporting other people when they are doing something that’s sinful? I’m not judging the state of her soul or salvation or anything; I have NEVER made any comments about that, to myself or to my mom.
So, am I right, or is my mom right?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**This is one of those sticky situations that varies from family to family. In some relationships, refusal to spend time in the home of relatives who cohabitate and are potentially living in sin will just cut you off further from ever being able to be a positive influence. Especially when there are no other family members who support your position.

I was in a similar situation with my own sister. I had mentioned that I would not visit the home of her and her boyfriend once they bought one and it nearly started a war, her and my mom against me. I was seen as intolerant, judgmental, and unloving. But none of my family is religious, nevermind Catholic so I had to think long and hard about what kind of message I wanted to send. I already knew they had a poor view of Catholics (so much that they thought I must have been brainwashed into converting) and I didn’t want to do any further damage…

So, I did visit. My family knew exactly where I stood and that my visiting was not an endorsement of the situation but rather a sign that I did still love my sister (and her boyfriend). I knew they had plans to eventually marry and I wanted to have a relationship with them so that I could continue to be a positive example of a Catholic and not just “the sister who was so “religious” she refused to visit us”…you know?

But, if my sister claimed to be Catholic but continuously decided to go against the Church it might have been a different story. In my situation i decided to “meet them where they are” instead of waiting for a day that might never come…**

 

[Thomas63116]

**This is one of those sticky situations that varies from family to family. In some relationships, refusal to spend time in the home of relatives who cohabitate and are potentially living in sin will just cut you off further from ever being able to be a positive influence. Especially when there are no other family members who support your position.

So, I did visit. My family knew exactly where I stood and that my visiting was not an endorsement of the situation but rather a sign that I did still love my sister (and her boyfriend). I knew they had plans to eventually marry and I wanted to have a relationship with them so that I could continue to be a positive example of a Catholic and not just “the sister who was so “religious” she refused to visit us”…you know?

In my situation i decided to “meet them where they are” instead of waiting for a day that might never come…**

That seems like a really good way to handle the situation.

 

[Thomas63116]

Also, to the OP, couldnt you just talk to your sister and let her know how you feel? Maybe something like this:

“I’m really concerned that you and (insert name of live-in boyfriend here) are living together outside of marriage. I really like him and think you guys could have a great future together (only say this if it is true). But I don’t think it’s right and I don’t think it’s the way for you to build a good foundation together. I know you need to make your own decisions and live your own life. But I love you and I want to be honest with you about how I feel about this situation.” Then be done with it. Don’t hound her. Pray for both of them. Continue to have a normal relationship with them, which normally involves sometimes visiting people at their home.

 

[FickleFreckled]

Remember the difference in the way Jesus treated sinners and the way the Pharisees treated them?
The Pharisees separated themselves from sinners, refused contact with them. Be like Jesus.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Malia, my sister -is- Catholic, technically… she hasn’t been to Mass since she moved out from my parent’s house, and in with her bf, at least as far as I know, and she lives close to our church now, so she could walk there… If we had been raised in a secular environment, and she was just doing what she thought was normal, then I might have a different opinion. But she was raised with the same beliefs as me, and she knows living together outside of marriage and premarital sex are wrong…

Thomas, you’re probably right, I should just out and say it. If I did, I don’t know that she would ever want to talk to me again, so perhaps I would never be invited over! Kill two birds with one stone… Here’s the other half of the story: I would be perfectly fine with never visiting her, even if she wasn’t living with her boyfriend. We do not get along, at all. She is a very toxic and nasty person to be around for any length of time. The only reason I still speak to her is because she is my sister, and she does have the ability to curb her tongue for a short phone call. But that’s about it…

FickleFreckled, I don’t want to be like the Pharisees for sure. I -do- contact my sister. But Jesus also tossed tables around when people were desecrating the Temple. He associated with sinners, but he didn’t accept their sinning, kwim? I’m trying to figure out how that applies to my own life.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

He associated with sinners, but he didn’t accept their sinning, kwim? I’m trying to figure out how that applies to my own life.

**At this point (this is the pregnant sister, right?) I think you should pray for her reversion and often having a baby is the catalyst back into the faith. So, for now I would just zip my lip (she KNOWS how you feel) and just don’t go over there. Be busy. If you do go over, be polite (they will be expecting to hear your disapproval). The whole “catch more flies with honey” philosophy you know?

I think the extreme hostility from her and your mom is because they know you are right. Hopefully you can maintain a relationship with your sister and things will get better in time.**

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

At this point (this is the pregnant sister, right?) I think you should pray for her reversion and often having a baby is the catalyst back into the faith. So, for now I would just zip my lip (she KNOWS how you feel) and just don’t go over there. Be busy. If you do go over, be polite (they will be expecting to hear your disapproval). The whole “catch more flies with honey” philosophy you know?

I think the extreme hostility from her and your mom is because they know you are right. Hopefully you can maintain a relationship with your sister and things will get better in time.

I agree, but I don’t think you need to go visit them at their home. If later on when she has her baby she needs your help, yes, I think you should go to help her, but going just for the sake of hanging out at their place, without any other reason, no, I don’t think it is necessary. On the other hand, when you are in contact with her always put extra effort in being loving and kind to her, even if she doesn’t seem receptive. BTW, has your sister said something about you not going over or is your mom the only that has demonstrated concern?

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I agree, but I don’t think you need to go visit them at their home. If later on when she has her baby she needs your help, yes, I think you should go to help her, but going just for the sake of hanging out at their place, without any other reason, no, I don’t think it is necessary. On the other hand, when you are in contact with her always put extra effort in being loving and kind to her, even if she doesn’t seem receptive. BTW, has your sister said something about you not going over or is your mom the only that has demonstrated concern?

My mom thinks that I am being unloving by not visiting. I don’t think my sister really cares, we don’t get along. My sister has NEVER extended the invitation for me to come visit her, but for some reason my mom thinks I should go.

And yes, I will help her if she needs it with the pregnancy and the baby. I drove her to one of her doctor appointments last week.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

My mom thinks that I am being unloving by not visiting. I don’t think my sister really cares, we don’t get along. My sister has NEVER extended the invitation for me to come visit her, but for some reason my mom thinks I should go.

It sounds like it is what Malia said (they know u r right, and won’t just act like if nothing wrong is going on). On top of that, you are doing things in the right order, the right way, waiting until marriage (which might seem like it is an eternity away, but 8 mo will pass an it will come ) so that makes it even more noticeable, I dunno.

And yes, I will help her if she needs it with the pregnancy and the baby. I drove her to one of her doctor appointments last week.

I had no doubt you would be willing to help out if you could.

 

[Norseman82]

In case anyone feels bullied into thinkling that they need to “keep the family peace” above all else, here is something Jesus said:

“Do not suppose that My mission on earth is to spread peace. My mission is to spread not peace, but division. I have come to set a man at odds with her mother, a daugfhter with her mother, a daughter-in-law with her mother-in-law: in short, to make a man’s enemies those of his own household.”

(Matthew 10:34-37)

Pumpkinbeast, I don’t know if I ever caught this, but how old are you? if you are not of majority, this may be a case where you may have to obey; otherwise, there might be something creative, such as telling your mom that you were not invited, or asking when the wedding is and what parish it will be at.

 

[QuietTimes]

I have one of those sisters too. She drives me
but I love her and because I love her, I stopped offering any advice and she knows it. I think this bothers her more than when I was always trying to enlighten her. Living with her bf is something that my parents have never seen as something totally wrong. I did it w/ my dh till we decided that our relationship needed God. She has to make that choice and she has to actively do it and want it enough for herself, her bf and her dd.

It is sad and frustrating to see those you love make poor choices, but we also have to love and encourage them through our examples and that’s all we can do.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Thank you everyone! And thank you for the Bible quote, Norseman, that makes a lot of sense… I am turning 20 on Friday, so I it’s not an issue of obeying my parents, thank goodness.

You’re right, QuietTimes, my sister is going to have to be the one to decide when she is going to turn back to God… I’ll be ready and waiting with anything she’ll need when she does decide… I am glad that my youngest sister, who is 15 now, gets to see the two of us as dichotomies, and see firsthand the problems certain life styles cause, and the happiness that can come out of doing things God’s way. Now if time would just speed up for 8 months…

 

[basilisk]

pumpkinbeast,

My brother hasn’t talked to me for well over a year, because when he gave up one of his visitation weekends with his kids in order to go visit an out of state girlfriend, I told him that was wrong, and that he was putting his own love life above his kids’ need for him. He got angry and hung up on me.

Now, I suppose I could have kept my mouth shut and gone along with a “yeah, that’s nice” but would that have served the best interests of my nieces and nephew? No one else was going to tell their father that what he was doing was bad for them, because everyone else in my family just wanted to keep the peace. They preserved his good opinion of them at the expense of the need those children have for their father.

I couldn’t do that. I hate it when parents don’t respect their children’s needs. So if I really hate that, don’t I have to speak up when I see it being done? I did it for my nieces and nephew, and now I am paying the price, but I would do it again. FOR THEM.

By showing your disapproval of your sister’s living situation, in the hope that it will motivate her to change her thinking and perhaps either get married or else live chastely, you are serving the interests of her child. Do not ever apologize for that.

And you might want to tell your mother that actively and materially supporting people in their sin is NOT loving. It is hypocrisy, where we do what we know is wrong only to look good on the street corner. But our Heavenly Father knows and sees what is in our souls… and He will judge us by His standards… not by what the people on the street thought of us. Those people will say, “Oh look how loving and accepting that mother is.” And God will be saying, “Oh, mother, how could you betray your obligation to your daughter’s immortal soul this way?”

 

[BamaRider]

My mother recently accused me of not being loving, because I refuse to visit the apartment where my sister lives with her boyfriend. I just don’t want to appear to be supporting her decision to live in sin, or at least a very scandalous situation. (she is currently pregnant, so it’s definitely the former and not the latter, as far as I know) I haven’t cut off contact with her or anything, I do talk to her over the phone, or whenever she comes to our house for dinner or whatever. (I still live with my parents) I don’t ignore her boyfriend, either. I just don’t want to give the appearance of being fine and happy and flowers and rainbows about the fact that she’s living with her boyfriend, which my mom seems to think is the ‘loving’ way of dealing with it. Doesn’t love involve not supporting other people when they are doing something that’s sinful? I’m not judging the state of her soul or salvation or anything; I have NEVER made any comments about that, to myself or to my mom.
So, am I right, or is my mom right?

I can see not visiting the apt under casual circumstances if you wish to make a point, but I’d do it for something substancial like if she was sick, BD party, or something.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

My mom thinks that I am being unloving by not visiting. I don’t think my sister really cares, we don’t get along. My sister has NEVER extended the invitation for me to come visit her, but for some reason my mom thinks I should go.

A couple of years ago, I unintentionally made my mom cry, because I told her that I couldn’t visit my brother’s apartment because he was living with his girlfriend (she made the suggestion that I stop by to pay a short visit and drop off my niece’s birthday present). He never invited me, because he knew where I stood.

I also unintentionally made my sister cry, because she invited me over to her house, and I told her that I would love to come visit her (she lives out of state), but because she lives with her boyfriend, I would wait until they married. She knew where I stood before inviting me, and she knew that I didn’t visit my brother. I don’t know why she thought I wouldn’t hold them both to the same standard.

My husband and I currently have two close friends who live(d) with significant others prior to marriage, and both friends know that we won’t visit until they are married. One of those friends married in October, and I can’t wait to see their place!

Back in April of this year, I finally asked my priest if it was okay that I wasn’t visiting people (friends and relatives) who cohabited without being married. I explained that I still spoke with them over the phone, emailed, met for lunch at public places, hung out at our folks’ house, etc., and he encouraged me to keep doing what I have been doing.

You can still love the person and not show approval for what they are doing.

 

[Urf]

My mother recently accused me of not being loving, because I refuse to visit the apartment where my sister lives with her boyfriend. I just don’t want to appear to be supporting her decision to live in sin, or at least a very scandalous situation. (she is currently pregnant, so it’s definitely the former and not the latter, as far as I know) I haven’t cut off contact with her or anything, I do talk to her over the phone, or whenever she comes to our house for dinner or whatever. (I still live with my parents) I don’t ignore her boyfriend, either. I just don’t want to give the appearance of being fine and happy and flowers and rainbows about the fact that she’s living with her boyfriend, which my mom seems to think is the ‘loving’ way of dealing with it. Doesn’t love involve not supporting other people when they are doing something that’s sinful? I’m not judging the state of her soul or salvation or anything; I have NEVER made any comments about that, to myself or to my mom.
So, am I right, or is my mom right?

Jesus would have gone to her apartment. Has it occurred to you that maybe the notion that her apartment isnt good enough for you is slightly snobbish? Suck it up and treat your sister like Jesus would have, otherwise I’m not sure what right you have to proclaim his teachings.

Sure, you can say that you refuse to go so as to not support her sinful lifestyle, but really that’s just a convenient way of separating yourself from the issue. What kind of an attitude is “maybe if I ignore it it will go away”? No one was ever brought into the Catholic faith by someone who acted like they were too good for them.

 

[Norseman82]

Jesus would have gone to her apartment.

And you know this how???

Has it occurred to you that maybe the notion that her apartment isnt good enough for you is slightly snobbish? Suck it up and treat your sister like Jesus would have, otherwise I’m not sure what right you have to proclaim his teachings.

Sure, you can say that you refuse to go so as to not support her sinful lifestyle, but really that’s just a convenient way of separating yourself from the issue. What kind of an attitude is “maybe if I ignore it it will go away”? No one was ever brought into the Catholic faith by someone who acted like they were too good for them.

It is not about being snobbish; it is about not approving of someone else’s sin. See CCC 1867. If this is the only way she knows how to do so now, then so be it. Unless you have some advice to give her as to how she can visit without approving of the sin, then please give her a break; we should be supporting people who are trying to obey the Church, not giving them grief, ESPECIALLY ON A CATHOLIC FORUM.