Vocation and living as widower

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mothersboy

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Good afternoon all.
I have read quite a bit on CAF about a vocation to single life. I have questions but I don’t seem to be able to use “Ask an Apologist” so I’ll ask them here. For perspective, I am a widower and have been for almost 4 years.

Our Baptism is a consecration to a holy life. Living as single widower requires a life of celibacy. Single people may not take part in the marital act, obviously. If I feel called by Jesus to stay single for the remainder of my life is this not a vocation? If I keep serving my family and make an effort to serve the Church in this capacity am I not living out my Baptismal vows?

Everything I read here treats being single as a transitional state of life. How can we, as Catholics, not view the single life as a vocation? There are vows and consecration (Baptism)

I’m hoping for some clarity.
 
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mothersboy said:
Everything I read here treats being single as a transitional state of life.
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As a widow with no interest in marrying again, I think the people who natter on like that are being ridiculous. I would use even more choice language for them but I don’t want to get banned from the forum.

Of course it’s a vocation to live as a single person and try to live a holy life. Plenty of hermits did it, and since our current society does not generally admit people over a certain age to religious life (there are a few exceptions, but it’s not the norm), then if you don’t want to remarry after being widowed, there really isn’t any alternative “vocation” to “transition” to.

I personally don’t like how “vocation” has become a buzzword. Just live your life in a holy way and if God wants you to do something different, he’ll let you know and make a path.

God bless.
 
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Thank you. I appreciate your response. While I am in my 50’s, I do not feel there are many “vocations” for me . The Permanent Diaconate is always possible but I don’t feel any call there. I take some strength from your assuredness (is that a word?) and ask for your prayers. Living my life in a holy way and living my Baptismal vows is the life I feel called to now.
 
Never married single here. In my 60 years I’ve often had to bite my tongue when I’ve been told by priests or read in Catholic books that I have to be married or enter a convent to live a legitimate life as a Catholic woman. Such well meaning folk never take into account that many of us 1) have no call to the religious life; and 2) never met a person we fell in love with enough to marry.
It is fine to stay single if that is where you are being called.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
I personally don’t like how “vocation” has become a buzzword. Just live your life in a holy way and if God wants you to do something different, he’ll let you know and make a path.
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I agree wholeheartedly! It is entirely uninspiring sometimes the way “vocation” stresses so many people.
It may leave most people feeling ignored by God just because they go through troubled waters in their life and do not know the next step that God wants them to do and think some other people get a mystical from God that others simply don’t get. But very rarely anyone announces that they have found a vocation and are pleased with it and so on.
Every time I mention personal effort there is someone nudging me on pellagianism. But isn’t effort something that also comes from God?
Look at the Apostles - Judas was literally called to be an Apostle, he ended up as a failed Apostle. So, how does a vocation settles your life well for eternity?
 
It might help if you considered this question that lays behind the question you asked:

Why do you care about what other people think about how you live your life, especially when the manner you’ve described is both moral and praiseworthy?
 
God will lead you in the way you should go. Trust in His compassion and mercy!
 
mothersboy said:
Everything I read here treats being single as a transitional state of life. How can we, as Catholics, not view the single life as a vocation?
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Who on this forum “treats being single as a transitional state of life”? That’s a Protestant sentiment, not a Catholic one. Of course one can be called to the single life, either permanently, or for a time either before or after marriage. I have found that Protestants say “when you get married”, whereas Catholics say “if you get married”. (I am deliberately saying “Protestants” and not “non-Catholics” because that is the group with which I have the most familiarity, and I know what makes them tick.)

There is a huge space in Catholic culture for a single life of uncertain duration, up to and including for the rest of one’s life. Historically there have been many Catholics who make the entirely rational decision to have a simpler life as a single person, rather than taking on the burdens and hardships of raising a family (especially a very large family, of which there was a strong likelihood prior to the emergence of highly effective NFP methods). Others stay single because of extended family obligations, a dearth of suitable partners (as in thinly populated rural areas), or personal traits or characteristics that make marriage unlikely. We certainly don’t assume “everyone gets married unless they go into the priestly or religious life”.

(But as a side note, and as I have mentioned in these forums before, marriage is a far more attractive proposition in the modern world than in times past, because the almost-universal acceptance of effective contraception and sterilization — mortally sinful — has eliminated the possibility of having a large family unless you want one, which most do not. Children on demand, as few or as many as you want, no more, no less, when you want them and only when you want them — it’s like ordering pizzas! Some also choose to have child-free marriages. Remember what Our Lady of Fatima said about the many marriages that are not of God and do not please Him.)
 
HomeschoolDad said:
Who on this forum “treats being single as a transitional state of life”?
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There used to be a poster here in this forum who actually did view being single as transitional state in life. That being single without being in a religious community was faulty.

Outside of this forum, there are Catholics who believe in the same thing. In fact some would say that you are living in sin if you aren’t either married or a priest/nun. They are the more traditionalist types.
 
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Sarcelle said:
Outside of this forum, there are Catholics who believe in the same thing. In fact some would say that you are living in sin if you aren’t either married or a priest/nun. They are the more traditionalist types.
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If you say so, but I’ve never encountered this in 43 years of Catholic life. Indeed, among the more traditionalist types, as you put it, there is absolutely no expectation that anyone will get married unless “God wills it”, or at least if there is, I’ve never heard of it. “Called to the single life” can also be a euphemism for someone being a rightly celibate, involuntary homosexual — unless the person wishes to disclose it, that is nobody’s business but the person’s and Almighty God.
 
It’s not a matter of worrying about what others think. I am trying to discern what I feel God is calling me to do so I started reading about vocations to single life. It seemed as if what I read was telling me that being single was a temporary state. A transitional one. I’m asking here because I wished to hear other thoughts in hopes that I might find inspiration from the Holy Spirit.
 
HomeschoolDad said:
Who on this forum “treats being single as a transitional state of life”? That’s a Protestant sentiment, not a Catholic one.
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Before I posted I searched for similar threads and found this to be the general sentiment. I’ve also read some articles that had this attitude.
 
HomeschoolDad said:
Who on this forum “treats being single as a transitional state of life”?
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There have been entire threads discussing whether being single can be a “vocation” or not.

Also, this forum has a lot of unmarried people who are hoping to get married when they meet the right person, and many of them do consider being single a transitional state because they are seeking a partner with the ultimate goal of marriage. The experience of a 21-year-old single college student who’s looking for a wife is totally different from that of a person in their 50s who’s just been widowed out of a 30-year committed relationship.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
Who on this forum “treats being single as a transitional state of life”?
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I see what you are saying, however, some thoughts:
  • Any state of life can be viewed as “transitional”, or perhaps “temporary” would be a better term. Things happen, or fail to happen, that we don’t anticipate. People become widowed, sometimes very suddenly. Someone goes into the seminary or convent and, for whatever reason, things just don’t work out. Divorce, though it usually smolders for years before, can come quite suddenly. Divorced people find themselves unable to get annulments. And, I suppose you could say, confirmed bachelors (and bachelorettes!) end up meeting someone “out of the blue” whom they suddenly find themselves not being able to live without. All kinds of things happen. Every day of the world.
  • And there are people who, for any number of reasons, want to get married but cannot. I’ve already mentioned the annulment situation. There are other reasons — age, financial realities, family circumstances, disabilities, psychological problems, physical unsuitability (i.e., not being able to consummate the marital act), or as I alluded to before, unalterable personal traits or characteristics that make marriage unlikely. Not everyone is single because they want to be. When that happens, then the only thing to do is to “want what you have”, as opposed to “having what you want”, be content with it, and see in these circumstances God’s call for you, and to realize that, despite your preferences, life is good and you have found the way that will lead you to greater union with Him.
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HomeschoolDad said:
Any state of life can be viewed as “transitional”, or perhaps “temporary” would be a better term.
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Yeah, my whole life is temporary because I’m going to die at some point.

However: I am widowed and not looking to have a romantic relationship, much less marry again.

Anything is possible, and it’s also possible that the single 21-year-old will never meet anyone to marry.
But I am currently planning to continue my life as a single person indefinitely. I am not spending any time looking for dates or companionship anywhere. If I were to meet someone it would have to be “out of the blue” and I am not holding my breath.

I’m not really sure how you listing off all the 1 million possibilities changes this picture.

I’m also not arguing that singleness is a “transitional state” unless the single person wants it to be.
 
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Very sorry to hear of your loss. A few random and perhaps inapplicable thoughts. There will be a degree of mourning from here on - how could there not be? Even though the Sacrament no longer applies, in a spiritual sense, if that makes sense, you now have a lifetime to pray for your departed spouse. Your love desired the best for her in earthly life and can now pray for the best eternity for her.

It is often said that God writes straight with crooked lines, and I have found that to be true. You may be a widower; you may be mature - yet you are not yet a finished product. None of us is in this life. There is spiritual growth lying ahead.

If you are not already, spending time with our precious Lord in the Blessed Sacrament will bring the consolation of the Holy Spirit. Time there in silence will allow Him to speak to your heart. Little illuminations occur. Spiritual and cognitive connections are suddenly made.

Be as patient with God as He has been with you and in His time, with patience and prayer, you will have your answer.

When that occurs, it will become even clearer what Saint Paul meant when he was inspired to write about the “peace which surpasses all understanding.” (Philippians 4:7)
 
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