M
mariagoretti24
Guest
Since age 12, I have felt drawn to the religious life. Worldly pleasures have never attracted me and in fact, usually leave me feeling depressed. At a very young age, I found my happiness in prayer, penance, and in helping others. I was certain that after I grauduated from college, I would enter the religious life- I thought as an active Dominican nun. The week after I graduated from college, I visited a couple of convents- an active Dominican order and cloistered Carmelite. Though I would have liked to make an extended visit at the active Dominican order I visited, the vocations director made it clear to me that I was not called to that community. Though she didn’t specifically say what it was that made her see it, and I didn’t ask (in retrospect I wish I had), I assumed it was at least partly due to my personality. Most of the women there were very joyful, “bubbly”; people who fit the definition of a sanguine temperament. I am quite the opposite- I am reserved, quiet, shy, and keep to myself. I really didn’t “mesh” with the community.
Since that summer, I went on to teach at a Catholic school and have done that for the past three years. I really do love everything about what I do there. I soon thought that maybe I was called to live out my life as a single person. (I’ve known for quite some time that I am not called to the married state).
I have had an intensified desire for prayer and penance over the past several months. It continually grows stronger. Though I know I have been a good influence as a teacher and really enjoy my life, I feel as though I could do more good by devoting my life solely to prayer and penance.
I now see that the contemplative life could be a good fit for me. However, while reading “My Beloved:The Story of a Carmelite Nun” by Mother Catherine Thomas, I’ve started to have some doubts. In the book she says a “meek, mousy pious girl who kept to herself all the time” would “probably never be admitted” to the monastery, or if she was admitted “by mistake” she would “leave within a month or be asked to depart within a half year.” Later, she says that the nuns are wary of postulants who appear to be “cold” or “stiff”.
I felt as though those passages were describing me. Though I don’t consider myself to be a cold person, I fear as though I might appear as aloof. I definitely come across as shy. I don’t smile much and I get teased about that quite often. It’s not that I’m never happy, it’s just that smiling isn’t something I do unless I’m exceptionally happy. I do think I have a sense of humor and laugh quite easily at jokes or humorous stories. However, spontaneously smiling when seeing someone is not something that I naturally do.
I also think the words “meek, pious, mousy” all apply to me, and I do tend to keep to myself. I tend to get anxious in groups and try to stay away from those situations when at all possible. It isn’t because I don’t like people- on the contrary, I love people. I want to help them in any way I can, and offer prayers and sacrifices for them. But for the most part, I have nothing to say to acquaintances/strangers outside of “Hi, how are you doing?” and “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” If there is something that needs to be said, I will say it. If I see that my help is needed, I will offer it. I am always ready to lend an ear to those who want to talk. However, I very rarely initiate conversation. I feel as though I don’t have much to offer people in the way of words. I don’t do small talk- not because I don’t see the value in it, but because for the most part it’s very unnatural to me. Usually there is absolutely nothing I can think of to say, no matter how much I try to force conversation. I can give people my ear, hands, and prayers and that’s usually all.
Don’t get me wrong- I have several close friends and have developed some wonderfully strong relationships over the years. I have great conversations with friends and family. But to strangers or people in a group setting, I usually don’t have anything to say and am quite shy and reserved.
After reading “My Beloved” and “A Right to Be Merry”, I wonder if I really do have a contemplative vocation. Both books seem to emphasize the sanguine personalities within the order and only describe the melancholic personalities as those who are not called to the contemplative life. I understand that part of the reason the authors do this is to fight against the stereotype of the cloistered life. However, it makes me wonder if it truly is the case that people like me are not called to that lifestyle. My question is, do you think melancholics are called to the contemplative life? If not, what is their vocation?
Usually, I stay away from generalizations. I understand that a vocation is a personal matter and that it’s best discerned through prayer and by talking to a spiritual advisor and vocation director. I plan on visiting Carmelite monasteries soon in order to get direction. However, because the books I’ve just read generalize these personalities as either “fit” or “unfit” for their monastery, it’s made me wonder if this is truly the case and if I’m “wasting” my time chasing after a vocation that was never meant for me.
Since that summer, I went on to teach at a Catholic school and have done that for the past three years. I really do love everything about what I do there. I soon thought that maybe I was called to live out my life as a single person. (I’ve known for quite some time that I am not called to the married state).
I have had an intensified desire for prayer and penance over the past several months. It continually grows stronger. Though I know I have been a good influence as a teacher and really enjoy my life, I feel as though I could do more good by devoting my life solely to prayer and penance.
I now see that the contemplative life could be a good fit for me. However, while reading “My Beloved:The Story of a Carmelite Nun” by Mother Catherine Thomas, I’ve started to have some doubts. In the book she says a “meek, mousy pious girl who kept to herself all the time” would “probably never be admitted” to the monastery, or if she was admitted “by mistake” she would “leave within a month or be asked to depart within a half year.” Later, she says that the nuns are wary of postulants who appear to be “cold” or “stiff”.
I felt as though those passages were describing me. Though I don’t consider myself to be a cold person, I fear as though I might appear as aloof. I definitely come across as shy. I don’t smile much and I get teased about that quite often. It’s not that I’m never happy, it’s just that smiling isn’t something I do unless I’m exceptionally happy. I do think I have a sense of humor and laugh quite easily at jokes or humorous stories. However, spontaneously smiling when seeing someone is not something that I naturally do.
I also think the words “meek, pious, mousy” all apply to me, and I do tend to keep to myself. I tend to get anxious in groups and try to stay away from those situations when at all possible. It isn’t because I don’t like people- on the contrary, I love people. I want to help them in any way I can, and offer prayers and sacrifices for them. But for the most part, I have nothing to say to acquaintances/strangers outside of “Hi, how are you doing?” and “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” If there is something that needs to be said, I will say it. If I see that my help is needed, I will offer it. I am always ready to lend an ear to those who want to talk. However, I very rarely initiate conversation. I feel as though I don’t have much to offer people in the way of words. I don’t do small talk- not because I don’t see the value in it, but because for the most part it’s very unnatural to me. Usually there is absolutely nothing I can think of to say, no matter how much I try to force conversation. I can give people my ear, hands, and prayers and that’s usually all.
Don’t get me wrong- I have several close friends and have developed some wonderfully strong relationships over the years. I have great conversations with friends and family. But to strangers or people in a group setting, I usually don’t have anything to say and am quite shy and reserved.
After reading “My Beloved” and “A Right to Be Merry”, I wonder if I really do have a contemplative vocation. Both books seem to emphasize the sanguine personalities within the order and only describe the melancholic personalities as those who are not called to the contemplative life. I understand that part of the reason the authors do this is to fight against the stereotype of the cloistered life. However, it makes me wonder if it truly is the case that people like me are not called to that lifestyle. My question is, do you think melancholics are called to the contemplative life? If not, what is their vocation?
Usually, I stay away from generalizations. I understand that a vocation is a personal matter and that it’s best discerned through prayer and by talking to a spiritual advisor and vocation director. I plan on visiting Carmelite monasteries soon in order to get direction. However, because the books I’ve just read generalize these personalities as either “fit” or “unfit” for their monastery, it’s made me wonder if this is truly the case and if I’m “wasting” my time chasing after a vocation that was never meant for me.
). In the communities I’ve visited there are all kinds of temperments and personality types, including here.
