Vocation of Marriage vs. Degree in Marriage and Family Studies

[zaramarie81]

Hi all -

I am writing to see if anyone has any insights here. For starters, I have long felt called to the vocation of marriage. As I’ve grown and matured, God has led me into a profession where I serve Christian families as a writer and editor. Yet, at age 28, I am still single. I’ve was engaged once to a “good Catholic man” who, to make a long story shorter, it got “complex” and ultimately he sort of flaked out on me. I’ve dated other good, Catholic men only to have them unable to marry (struggling with serious addiction, etc). My current boyfriend of 2 years, another good Catholic, is healthy, has no impediments to marriage and very much wants to be a husband and father, but for some reason (which I cannot fully figure out) has not proposed.

It would be an understatement to say that the path to this vocation has been painful for me.

Still, God has blessed me in many ways, with a wonderful career and friends, and community etc. I live a full life, and I was recently accepted into graduate school overseas. I would be getting a Master of Theological Studies with a focus on marriage and family. It really seems like a great opportunity and a perfect fit for me. My boyfriend really is okay with grad school, but not overseas and sees this as sort of a dividing point between us… if I go overseas we’ll probably be over.

So, I feel torn. I have a sharp intellect and would love to be a wife, mom, and writer. On the flip side, I do not want to pass up the opportunity to live out the vocation of marriage - I love this man, want to marry this man (and ummm, I am not getting any younger). But… we’re not engaged.

I don’t know what to do… the school wants me and has offered me acceptance. Do I go and risk more heartache? Or do I keep talking and sorting things out with my boyfriend? I am really distressed that yet another relationship seems to be stalling out. I’ve never had a life goal of being a “career woman” and even worse, my “career” is so family-centered that I am starting to wear down emotionally on all fronts. I wish I could understand what God wants of me at this point.

 

[yearofthelord]

My dear zaramarie,
I can tell that this is a difficult time for you. I am sure that you are praying about this, however, are you listening or talking in your prayer. Sometimes, we get so busy about our prayers and telling God about our needs, that we do not listen for the reply. Ask God to shine a bright light on the path to your future.

Also, what about your birth family and his? Are they involved in your life? Do your parents approve and support this relationship? If your parents do not support the relationship, then seriously consider their reasons. If your parentz do support the relationship, consider having them approach your boyfriend and ask “his intentions.” I know it seems so old fashioned, but it had a purpose and consider it.

God bless you

 

[zaramarie81]

My dear zaramarie,
I can tell that this is a difficult time for you. I am sure that you are praying about this, however, are you listening or talking in your prayer. Sometimes, we get so busy about our prayers and telling God about our needs, that we do not listen for the reply. Ask God to shine a bright light on the path to your future.

Also, what about your birth family and his? Are they involved in your life? Do your parents approve and support this relationship? If your parents do not support the relationship, then seriously consider their reasons. If your parentz do support the relationship, consider having them approach your boyfriend and ask “his intentions.” I know it seems so old fashioned, but it had a purpose and consider it.

God bless you

Thanks for your insights. I do need to spend more time listening in prayer. I’ve been so stressed that I am often just going through the motions of my days. In regards, to my parents, they do approve, and they, along with all our friends, wish my boyfriend would propose already. I’ve even had several guy friends confront him and say “When are you going to propose. It’s time.” I think it’s becoming painful for everyone to watch. I wish I had a concrete reason as to why… it always feels like we’re on the verge of engagement and then the days and weeks pass… and from what I can tell as well as everybody else can tell, he is very genuine and feels very bad for the delay but… still no results. I think he’s hung up on the relationship needing to be “perfect.” Sigh. I will schedule some time for prayer.

 

[tuviskazinai]

Best wishes to both of you in this difficult situation…it must be so hard. We will be praying for you!

Is there any chance of studying for this kind of degree within the country? I am guessing that your boyfriend is hesitant about the overseas thing because he wants to be close to you…? And how do you feel about the idea of being far from him? I have done the long-distance thing myself in the past and I am in an overseas graduate program with many married people who are having difficulties being away from their spouses. They are glad to have had this enriching experience, but of course it hasn’t always been easy!

Peace in all that you do and decide,
+AMDG+

 

[zaramarie81]

Best wishes to both of you in this difficult situation…it must be so hard. We will be praying for you!

Is there any chance of studying for this kind of degree within the country? I am guessing that your boyfriend is hesitant about the overseas thing because he wants to be close to you…? And how do you feel about the idea of being far from him? I have done the long-distance thing myself in the past and I am in an overseas graduate program with many married people who are having difficulties being away from their spouses. They are glad to have had this enriching experience, but of course it hasn’t always been easy!

Peace in all that you do and decide,
+AMDG+

Thanks for your insights. Yes, there is a chance I could do this within the country. It would require another round of applications and some testing, however… I have told my boyfriend I am willing to do this if we decide to marry and if going overseas (he would want to come with me) doesn’t seem to be an option for him after looking into all the factors. To his credit, he has asked for information on what it would take to move with me (after marriage) overseas while I got my degree. I guess I just wish he would commit (to me, not the school). I am trying to be loving and compassionate and see things from his perspective. I understand that for a man who wants to develop his career so he can support a family it is would take some careful planning to “follow” his future wife somewhere.

 

[tuviskazinai]

Thanks for your insights. Yes, there is a chance I could do this within the country. It would require another round of applications and some testing, however… I have told my boyfriend I am willing to do this if we decide to marry and if going overseas (he would want to come with me) doesn’t seem to be an option for him after looking into all the factors. To his credit, he has asked for information on what it would take to move with me (after marriage) overseas while I got my degree. I guess I just wish he would commit (to me, not the school). I am trying to be loving and compassionate and see things from his perspective. I understand that for a man who wants to develop his career so he can support a family it is would take some careful planning to “follow” his future wife somewhere.

Yes, I definitely understand that desire for him to commit…
It sounds like you are being very understanding with him, and he is looking into things too. It is wonderful that you are listening to each other. I sincerely hope that you are both able to figure things out, with patience and love…
A Brother once defined hope for me: hope is what says, “You are more than what you are right now.” So even though you have difficulties, take heart! If you love each other, then your relationship is bigger, it is more, than those difficulties.
We are all hoping for you!

Peace,
+AMDG+

 

[zaramarie81]

Yes, I definitely understand that desire for him to commit…
It sounds like you are being very understanding with him, and he is looking into things too. It is wonderful that you are listening to each other. I sincerely hope that you are both able to figure things out, with patience and love…
A Brother once defined hope for me: hope is what says, “You are more than what you are right now.” So even though you have difficulties, take heart! If you love each other, then your relationship is bigger, it is more, than those difficulties.
We are all hoping for you!

Peace,
+AMDG+

Thank you. I have to admit, I’ve had my less-than-holy moments in this process. I like that definition of hope… I’m going to remember that.

 

[zaramarie81]

Thank you. I have to admit, I’ve had my less-than-holy moments in this process. I like that definition of hope… I’m going to remember that.

Hmm, just got word that even if my boyfriend wanted to come with me overseas, he probably couldn’t (married or not). Yikes. Really feels “either/or” now. I do hope we can get married. I can get a degree closer to home. Just wanted to post an update. Thanks for the prayers!

 

[tuviskazinai]

Aww, hmm…that does make it difficult…
And if you were able to find someplace in the US (you would have to wait for the next academic year, right?), would he be able to move there with you, then? I hope that this doesn’t put a complete end to your dream to get an MTS…it sounds like it could be quite an enriching experience (I’ve thought about it a lot, myself) which could really take your spiritual life as well as career in a new direction.
If that is what you are going to try to do, then I pray that all may work out beautifully in the upcoming year with your boyfriend, and that you will soon be able to go to school.
Well, I will be praying whatever you decide to do. Good luck… I wish I had better advice, but my long-term, long-distance relationships haven’t ended in marriage, either, so I am the wrong person to ask. Well, you can know, at least, that you are not alone!!!

Peace,
+AMDG+

 

[zaramarie81]

Aww, hmm…that does make it difficult…
And if you were able to find someplace in the US (you would have to wait for the next academic year, right?), would he be able to move there with you, then? I hope that this doesn’t put a complete end to your dream to get an MTS…it sounds like it could be quite an enriching experience (I’ve thought about it a lot, myself) which could really take your spiritual life as well as career in a new direction.
If that is what you are going to try to do, then I pray that all may work out beautifully in the upcoming year with your boyfriend, and that you will soon be able to go to school.
Well, I will be praying whatever you decide to do. Good luck… I wish I had better advice, but my long-term, long-distance relationships haven’t ended in marriage, either, so I am the wrong person to ask. Well, you can know, at least, that you are not alone!!!

Peace,
+AMDG+

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes, the long term, long distance thing has not worked out well for me either in the past.

I could probably still get the Master’s degree, or something similar, as a married woman in the US. And I think career stuff would be much more do-able for him here if we got married and moved near, say, the JPII Institute. So many decisions. I think at this point, what I really need to know, is does he want to take the leap and get married. If not, I am going to grab this opportunity to study overseas and pray that God heals the hurt and brings the right person into my life as I just really have a strong desire for this vocation. If my boyfriend wants to make the commitment, well, then I pray we can work out the details of me studying. I know my fam was hoping for the best of both worlds… that I could get married and study overseas. They see both “in” me, and have been so great at cheering me on. Unfortunately, as my father pointed out, there’s a reason the US is called “the land of opportunity” and other countries, well… aren’t called that!

 

[tuviskazinai]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes, the long term, long distance thing has not worked out well for me either in the past.

I could probably still get the Master’s degree, or something similar, as a married woman in the US. And I think career stuff would be much more do-able for him here if we got married and moved near, say, the JPII Institute. So many decisions. I think at this point, what I really need to know, is does he want to take the leap and get married. If not, I am going to grab this opportunity to study overseas and pray that God heals the hurt and brings the right person into my life as I just really have a strong desire for this vocation. If my boyfriend wants to make the commitment, well, then I pray we can work out the details of me studying. I know my fam was hoping for the best of both worlds… that I could get married and study overseas. They see both “in” me, and have been so great at cheering me on. Unfortunately, as my father pointed out, there’s a reason the US is called “the land of opportunity” and other countries, well… aren’t called that!

I hope that he will take the leap!!

 

[budgie2]

It is entirely up to you and nobody can make that decision for you. I would first find out if your boyfriend has any intention of proposing or if he envisages you getting married in the future. If not there is no point in making a sacrifice or giving up a career opportunity. Two years is quite a long time in relationship terms so he might just need a bit of a budge but if there is no hope on the horizon then you might need to reconsider if you will get what you want out of the relationship and whether to stay together or call it quits. But it’s up to you and either way is an important decision. Sometimes career opportunities aren’t as great as they look and I know a friend who’s a doctor who is overworked and hasn’t been able to find a relationship.

You can always change a job but a marriage is for life. So sort out your relationship first but make sure you get what you want ie. ring on the finger or dump. My advice anyway.

 

[Cluny]

Have you considered proposing to him?

There’s no law that says you cannot, and it was not unheard of, even in the 50’s… just rare.