Vocations to marriage

[opera]

Today at Mass we heard prayers for an increase in vocations to the priesthood and religious life- a good thing since many diocese are still experiencing a shortage. We need an abundance of well trained priests and vowed religious in our Church, and the priests and religious we already have deserve our prayers as well.

Other times at Mass, at least at my parish, I’ve heard prayers offered for married couples and families. This is also needed and worthwhile. It’s hard to stay married today- not surprising when you look at the way we’ve raised people in our society these last forty years or so. Even when one person in a marriage is up to the task, sometimes the other person just isn’t. There’s a lot of selfishness and immaturity out there.

As a single Catholic, however, I don’t think I’ve ever heard prayers being offered at Mass for people in my position- a single who long ago discerned a vocation to marriage. This may be hard for married people to relate to, but I know a lotof single Catholics in this same position. We search and search, pray, look for others good Catholics to marry (i.e. someone who’s responsible, mature, and doesn’t expect sex before marriage and the use of contraception after). We work on getting ourselves ready, staying close to God, trying to grow in virtue, while having realistic expectations of the opposite gender. One quickly finds that it is “slim pickins” out there. I know of many good Catholics who happily find a spouse after 20 years of searching, but cannot have children due to marrying so late.

There is of course the option of online dating and there actually are many online Catholic dating sites. I have known 2 people who have had success through this avenue. However, I’ve known many more who have not found a spouse this way. As one friend of my put it, “You meet these guys online,” (I’m sure this applies to women too) “you think they’re nice; then, you get to know them and find out how weird they are.” Not surprising. Again, look at how we as a society have been raising people over the last four decades, not to mention the lack of sound catechesis and moral training that many of today’s adults were given as Catholics. It’s a waste land.

I’ve done the research. Today single women outnumber married women. The percentage of singles ( men and women combined) in our nation is around 44%. The biggest trend among people in their twenties, thirties, forties is to live together indefinitely, with no intention to marry at all, and no intention of having children. The number of Catholics marrying for the first time is at an all time low. There are of course people who defy the odds, marry young, are open to life, and have their act together enough to make a marriage work. Then there’s the rest of society.

Just as married people need and deserve our prayers, so do singles who long to be married (I don’t mean longing in a little girl dreaming of her big beautiful wedding way. I mean as one who knows his/her vocation and is kept outside knocking at the door.) In the same way, as priest/religious and those with such a vocation need and deserve our prayers, so do those who are called to married life.

I know the Church loves all of her children, but sometimes I feel like single Catholics have been abandoned. If the Church in the U.S. doesn’t have time to minister to singles, couldn’t Church officials at least offer prayers for us too? How hard would that be? How bad does the vocations crisis to marriage have to get before singles receive the support that they need?

 

[TigerKitty]

Opera -

So eloquently put…I can relate to what you wrote. Where is the place of the single Catholic, and why should singles made to be feel less than?

I know the pain of feeling left out of life, without a family, with no one who cares. I know the PAIN of going to church on big days and being surrounded by all the happy families - and having to go home to your cat. I understand what it is to be “always on the outside looking in on others lives” - and it hurts terribly.

I am married for almost a year now, but still feel very much alone. The pain of being so alone is incredible. And now being married, he says he’ll let me know if he wants kids this summer - but, if he decides he will let us have a child, we have to live in our filthy rental house next to the dumpster for 2 or 3 more years (that will be my “cost” for having kids). We can afford to buy 2 houses, so it’s not for lack of money.

I still feel the pain of being keenly aware that I likely will never feel the love of a family where I am accepted and welcomed. I am in a terrible state of despair and don’t know what to do. I feel like he was dishonest with me before marriage and by marrying him I am now quite effectively walled off from being part of any family.

It just hurts to long so much to be part of a loving family - and to be surrounded by them at church - and to be made to feel even more worthless because “you’re just you”.

Prayers for the singles (and the all-alones) would be nice.

 

[LongingForLight]

How hard would that be? How bad does the vocations crisis to marriage have to get before singles receive the support that they need?

You know, I’ve never thought of it this way - as a vocations crisis. Maybe that’s the answer right there - the church needs to realize that young people are failing to discern a vocation of any kind, not just religious, and offer prayers for all of them.

I think it will come, as the religious vocations crisis eases (and I do think it will . . . the devotion in the young people I see is amazing, swelling from just a little older than me down to the youngest members of the church today). People will start to realize that support for marriage starts with support for singles.

'Cuz it does. It starts with people who are making choices before marriage that either will or will not lead to a healthy marriage, and recognizing those who stay the course of holiness while waiting for their prayers to be answered.

BTW, on the same day we were married, a friend from our church was also getting married. Both she and her husband were over 40, and I have never seen a happier-looking couple. I think they felt it was worth the wait.

 

[kristie_m]

recently our seminarian was giving a talk on vocations and asked each “group” in turn, including married, religious and single to stand and be recognized for the outstanding contributions they make to the parish, and for standing as witness for the rest of the world to God’s special calling for their lives. I know it’s not the same, but it’s something, at least.

 

[jamesdunnaway]

you were prayed for at our mass you were included by our pastor along with many other vocations. Good luck with your search, we need you!

 

[Rose71]

Opera, you put that so well

We had a sermon on vocations on Sunday and it struck me that if vocations are nurtured and encouraged by a happy, stable, Catholic family life, then why isn’t the Church doing more to encourage people who feel called to marriage and family life?

My great aunt used to have a lovely old print on her wall of a mother holding up her baby and St. Teresa standing at the door, smiling. It was called ‘more Heavens than one’ and for years I used to wonder what it meant. I thought it meant that unless you became a nun, you were somehow lacking as a Catholic. Then I realised, that it meant motherhood is a vocation too - both callings can fulfillment and joy. Both are equal if treated with the same commitment and respect. We need good parents if we are to secure our next generation of priests and religious.

I am 37, but still hope to find a good husband. I am in a position now where I have developed a platonic friendship with a man who is a Christian, but not a Catholic and sadly he is also divorced. This means that the first decent man I have met in a long time is effectively out of bounds, as far as romance and discernment towards marriage goes

Or is he?! I have never felt so comfortable in anyone’s company before in my life and he does definitely bring out the best in me as a person. Do I pray that he will accept my faith and beliefs about relationships and if he wants to make a commitment to me, might he even seek an annulment and even convert? (surely faith is about believing anything is possible for God) Do I pray for the courage to walk away?

I don’t even know what to pray for I am just asking for ‘guidance’ at the moment. However, I ask for understanding from posters on here, because many of you, I know from previous posts, came to Catholicism after unsuccessful marriages and others have either had annullments or had not required one because you chose to live in sin prior to discovering your faith.

Please have mercy on someone who has always tried to do the right thing; resist temptation and treat others how I wish to be treated. You are lucky now - you have your spouses and I am sure you are working hard at your marriages. Please remember - somebody out there gave you a second chance and believed in you.

If nothing else, I hope to have added weight to Opera’s proposition that we need prayers for those called to marriage

 

[catherinette]

Praying for singles called to marriage is also ultimately praying for an increase in vocations to priesthood and religious life… I mean, where else will religious vocations come from besides happy devout Catholic families resulting from singles who are married within the Church? If I marry I would be happy to have my sons and daughters become priests or religious; I have a lot of respect for both vocations, I just think marriage is mine. Look at the family of St Therese; devout Catholic parents had only daughters, and everyone become a nun.

 

[idrum677]

Opera, you put that so well

I am 37, but still hope to find a good husband. I am in a position now where I have developed a platonic friendship with a man who is a Christian, but not a Catholic and sadly he is also divorced. This means that the first decent man I have met in a long time is effectively out of bounds, as far as romance and discernment towards marriage goes

Or is he?! I have never felt so comfortable in anyone’s company before in my life and he does definitely bring out the best in me as a person. Do I pray that he will accept my faith and beliefs about relationships and if he wants to make a commitment to me, might he even seek an annulment and even convert? (surely faith is about believing anything is possible for God) Do I pray for the courage to walk away?

If there is any future between the 2 of you the first step is to be honest with each other about your intentions. The next would be to speak with your proest to see if in fact he had a valid sacramental marriage to begin with.

Pray and see what happens!

 

[zaramarie81]

Today at Mass we heard prayers for an increase in vocations to the priesthood and religious life- a good thing since many diocese are still experiencing a shortage. We need an abundance of well trained priests and vowed religious in our Church, and the priests and religious we already have deserve our prayers as well.

Other times at Mass, at least at my parish, I’ve heard prayers offered for married couples and families. This is also needed and worthwhile. It’s hard to stay married today- not surprising when you look at the way we’ve raised people in our society these last forty years or so. Even when one person in a marriage is up to the task, sometimes the other person just isn’t. There’s a lot of selfishness and immaturity out there.

As a single Catholic, however, I don’t think I’ve ever heard prayers being offered at Mass for people in my position- a single who long ago discerned a vocation to marriage. This may be hard for married people to relate to, but I know a lotof single Catholics in this same position. We search and search, pray, look for others good Catholics to marry (i.e. someone who’s responsible, mature, and doesn’t expect sex before marriage and the use of contraception after). We work on getting ourselves ready, staying close to God, trying to grow in virtue, while having realistic expectations of the opposite gender. One quickly finds that it is “slim pickins” out there. I know of many good Catholics who happily find a spouse after 20 years of searching, but cannot have children due to marrying so late.

There is of course the option of online dating and there actually are many online Catholic dating sites. I have known 2 people who have had success through this avenue. However, I’ve known many more who have not found a spouse this way. As one friend of my put it, “You meet these guys online,” (I’m sure this applies to women too) “you think they’re nice; then, you get to know them and find out how weird they are.” Not surprising. Again, look at how we as a society have been raising people over the last four decades, not to mention the lack of sound catechesis and moral training that many of today’s adults were given as Catholics. It’s a waste land.

I’ve done the research. Today single women outnumber married women. The percentage of singles ( men and women combined) in our nation is around 44%. The biggest trend among people in their twenties, thirties, forties is to live together indefinitely, with no intention to marry at all, and no intention of having children. The number of Catholics marrying for the first time is at an all time low. There are of course people who defy the odds, marry young, are open to life, and have their act together enough to make a marriage work. Then there’s the rest of society.

Just as married people need and deserve our prayers, so do singles who long to be married (I don’t mean longing in a little girl dreaming of her big beautiful wedding way. I mean as one who knows his/her vocation and is kept outside knocking at the door.) In the same way, as priest/religious and those with such a vocation need and deserve our prayers, so do those who are called to married life.

I know the Church loves all of her children, but sometimes I feel like single Catholics have been abandoned. If the Church in the U.S. doesn’t have time to minister to singles, couldn’t Church officials at least offer prayers for us too? How hard would that be? How bad does the vocations crisis to marriage have to get before singles receive the support that they need?

Oh wow Opera… this just spoke to my heart. Absolutely… I agree 100 percent. MANY times I have silently added to the prayer for vocations (“and for those called to the vocation of marriage, too”). I am in the SAME position as you… I have known my vocation (as much as a person can “know” anything) since I was very young and it has been a heartbreaking experience trying to fulfill this call. I can’t even begin to count the tears. At 28 I am still single after doing my best to fulfill this calling. Like so many there’s nothing “wrong” with me, I am not just dreaming of a big wedding day or dependent on a man for my identity etc. No, in fact there is so much right with many of these singles and yet… I don’t know. I’m at a loss for words as to how hard it is to find someone mature, faithful, and willing to commit. I posted in the vocations folders about my own devout, Catholic boyfriend’s hesitation to commit after 2 years of hopeful dating with little to no explanation other than perhaps he wants more of a fairy tale? I am 28 and just… really terrified that I am facing yet another HUGE disappointment by a “good, Catholic.” I’ve also done the online dating thing… so tough (although my little sis married a guy from AMS).

And sometimes, well, I feel like if the vocation I felt called to was religious life it would be seen as “holier” and wouldn’t be questioned so much? But my thinking is… marriage is a calling too, and good Catholic marriages mean more Catholic children and more vocations in the next generation.

Anyway… thanks for sharing your thoughts. They inspire me to “up” my prayers for more vocations to marriage, for maturing and healing in young people so that more can answer the call.

 

[zaramarie81]

Praying for singles called to marriage is also ultimately praying for an increase in vocations to priesthood and religious life… I mean, where else will religious vocations come from besides happy devout Catholic families resulting from singles who are married within the Church? If I marry I would be happy to have my sons and daughters become priests or religious; I have a lot of respect for both vocations, I just think marriage is mine. Look at the family of St Therese; devout Catholic parents had only daughters, and everyone become a nun.

I agree. I think the breakdown of marriage and family in our culture is a huge factor of the crisis in religious vocations. I think both vocations (religious/priesthood and marriage) need to be supported and taught to our young people as worthy goals.

 

[geoformeo]

Opera et al.,

Make no mistake–there are many people praying for people in your situation. My confirmation class got confirmed last Sunday, and the archbishop (Chaput of Denver, who is awesome, by the way) spoke to my class before mass about the 4 vocations in the Church: religious life as priests/deacons/nuns; consecrated life as sisters/brothers; married life; and the single life. He emphasized and overemphasized to us and to the entire congregation during the homily that marriage is the greatest vocation of them all. He made it clear that the prayer for vocations is a prayer for the discernment of all vocations, including marriage. In light of the horrific trend in failing marriages, even amongst Catholics, I agree with you that there is a crisis in the marriage vocation category. But do not think even for a second that singles are neglected from the prayer of the Holy Father, or even the Church at large.

Part of the trouble is that Catholics in our generation (I am 29) were poorly catechized about the marriage vocation, and many of them 1) don’t understand the permanency of marriage and how you need to constantly nurture it to make it successful; and 2) haven’t been taught the importance, sacredness, and blessedness that comes from a solid marriage rooted in Christ. Because of these two factors, you have Catholics (as well as the secular world) who find the dissolubility of marriage inevitable and others who do not see the need to marry, if they can reap the physical aspects of marriage without the commitment. It is a sad, sad reality, but people like you who are staying strong and holding out are going to right the ship.

I thank God every day that I have been so blessed as to have found my wife who is my soul mate and a devout Catholic. I know how difficult it is to be single and looking for the “right one,” and how it feels like you will never find him/her. All you can do is trust in the Lord, and ask every day that His will be done. God will provide. Draw your strength from Christ. And don’t ever, for even one second, think that you are alone or that no one cares about you or people like you. You all will be in my prayers.

 

[zaramarie81]

Opera et al.,

Make no mistake–there are many people praying for people in your situation. My confirmation class got confirmed last Sunday, and the archbishop (Chaput of Denver, who is awesome, by the way) spoke to my class before mass about the 4 vocations in the Church: religious life as priests/deacons/nuns; consecrated life as sisters/brothers; married life; and the single life. He emphasized and overemphasized to us and to the entire congregation during the homily that marriage is the greatest vocation of them all. He made it clear that the prayer for vocations is a prayer for the discernment of all vocations, including marriage. In light of the horrific trend in failing marriages, even amongst Catholics, I agree with you that there is a crisis in the marriage vocation category. But do not think even for a second that singles are neglected from the prayer of the Holy Father, or even the Church at large.

Part of the trouble is that Catholics in our generation (I am 29) were poorly catechized about the marriage vocation, and many of them 1) don’t understand the permanency of marriage and how you need to constantly nurture it to make it successful; and 2) haven’t been taught the importance, sacredness, and blessedness that comes from a solid marriage rooted in Christ. Because of these two factors, you have Catholics (as well as the secular world) who find the dissolubility of marriage inevitable and others who do not see the need to marry, if they can reap the physical aspects of marriage without the commitment. It is a sad, sad reality, but people like you who are staying strong and holding out are going to right the ship.

I thank God every day that I have been so blessed as to have found my wife who is my soul mate and a devout Catholic. I know how difficult it is to be single and looking for the “right one,” and how it feels like you will never find him/her. All you can do is trust in the Lord, and ask every day that His will be done. God will provide. Draw your strength from Christ. And don’t ever, for even one second, think that you are alone or that no one cares about you or people like you. You all will be in my prayers.

Thanks… these words mean a lot. Gives me hope to know so many prayers are coming our way.