Waiting 6 months to get married?

[notredame_999]

Am I the only one who has a problem with most parishes requiring an engaged to let the church know 6 months in advance of their marriage? If two adults understand and are committed to a catholic marriage grounded in chastity, why does 6 months matter?

 

[jilly4ski]

Yes.

When a couple approaches the Church for marriage, the priest does not know if the couple is “well grounded in chastity” and “committed” to a Catholic understanding of marriage.

Think about it, at the very least they would have to schedule at least one, or more appointments with the priest. Depending on the priest’s schedule this may take a month just to get in. Then they have to “book” the Church and make sure the date the couple wants is open (there might be another wedding or retreat or the priest might be away that weekend).

For most parishes the priest cannot do all the individual marriage prep himself, so they require 6 months so the couple can complete “remedial” instruction in the meaning of marriage, love, and basic “marriage” skills. Then the priest can do the final evaluation before the wedding. They need to make sure there is a basic line everybody meets and it is better to make everyone do this, rather than just those with obvious defects in understanding, (otherwise think about all the whining and complaining about how they shouldn’t have to do the prep because so and so didn’t etc.). This all takes time, especially in a busy parish.

 

[Phemie]

Am I the only one who has a problem with most parishes requiring an engaged to let the church know 6 months in advance of their marriage? If two adults understand and are committed to a catholic marriage grounded in chastity, why does 6 months matter?

It matters because there is preparation to do, paperwork to fill out, freedom to marry affidavits to get or banns to publish and all those things take time.

Depending on how the parish does marriage preparation – in our parish it’s “do the workbook and meet with Father after each section” – it could take as little as a month or as much as a year to get what’s required.

The parish in the town nearest to us offers marriage preparation once a year, in the spring. I guess the reasoning is that by then all the couples who want to marry in the summer will have already made contact. Unfortunately, the couple that gets engaged in May and plans a Christmas wedding is out of luck. Their only option then is to hope my pastor is willing to help them and then drive 300 miles to my parish to avail of his services.

 

[DavidKays]

Am I the only one who has a problem with most parishes requiring an engaged to let the church know 6 months in advance of their marriage? If two adults understand and are committed to a catholic marriage grounded in chastity, why does 6 months matter?

Hi, first I like to congratulate you and your fiance on your forthcoming marriage. Second you must realize that both of you will be participating in a Sacrament of the Church. Holy Matrimony is as sacred as all the other sacraments. Preparation for this will take time because what you are dealing here is of ernormous importance. Try to understand that in every sacrament involved, preperation is vitally important. That means you will allow the priest to do his duty and permit yourselves to do yours. Nothing can be done to undermine this great event. And 6 months really is not that long. Remember too that your priest will be dealing with much more than just dealing with you. That is why time must be given to such matters. Really if you both love each other you can wait alot longer so 6 months is really nothing compared to the life you will have afterwards. Preperation for this great sacrament can be a great learning enterprise and experience and will give the both of you better understanding to what marriage is all about. Learn to accept it and derive whatever wisdom it will give you. It will never hurt you to learn just a wee bit more. Congratulations and may the both of you be united by God in this great sacrament to be His witnesses for each other and for His Church and for the world.

 

[notredame_999]

Hi, first I like to congratulate you and your fiance on your forthcoming marriage. Second you must realize that both of you will be participating in a Sacrament of the Church. Holy Matrimony is as sacred as all the other sacraments. Preparation for this will take time because what you are dealing here is of ernormous importance. Try to understand that in every sacrament involved, preperation is vitally important. That means you will allow the priest to do his duty and permit yourselves to do yours. Nothing can be done to undermine this great event. And 6 months really is not that long. Remember too that your priest will be dealing with much more than just dealing with you. That is why time must be given to such matters. Really if you both love each other you can wait alot longer so 6 months is really nothing compared to the life you will have afterwards. Preperation for this great sacrament can be a great learning enterprise and experience and will give the both of you better understanding to what marriage is all about. Learn to accept it and derive whatever wisdom it will give you. It will never hurt you to learn just a wee bit more. Congratulations and may the both of you be united by God in this great sacrament to be His witnesses for each other and for His Church and for the world.

I am actually not getting married it was just a question. But should I do, I am not looking forward to “marriage prep.” It seems like a post-vatican II invention. If two young catholics educated in the faith are committed to a christian marriage and upbringing of children, why is there all this counseling involved?

I was just reading Our Lady of Fatima by William Thomas Walsh. When Sr. Lucia was about 7-8 years old her mother took her to the parish priest to take an oral test to see if she could receive communion. It only took about ten minutes. There wasn’t this whole dragged out process. To me, it seems like sacraments like communion and marriage, if their significance is fully understood by the parties involved, should occur at the discretion of the priest not some 6 month rule. Thats it.

In the future, if I ever did meet a catholic woman I wanted to marry, I don’t see why the should church require 6 months if we fully understood the sacramental meaning of what we are doing.

 

[CB_Catholic]

I am actually not getting married it was just a question. But should I do, I am not looking forward to “marriage prep.” It seems like a post-vatican II invention. If two young catholics educated in the faith are committed to a christian marriage and upbringing of children, why is there all this counseling involved?

I was just reading Our Lady of Fatima by William Thomas Walsh. When Sr. Lucia was about 7-8 years old her mother took her to the parish priest to take an oral test to see if she could receive communion. It only took about ten minutes. There wasn’t this whole dragged out process. To me, it seems like sacraments like communion and marriage, if their significance is fully understood by the parties involved, should occur at the discretion of the priest not some 6 month rule. Thats it.

In the future, if I ever did meet a catholic woman I wanted to marry, I don’t see why the should church require 6 months if we fully understood the sacramental meaning of what we are doing.

You know, no matter how much people think they know about marriage and their committment to each other, living it is another reality altogether. You don’t really understand the significance until it’s put to the test. You need all the help you can get, and the Church provides as much help as it can. That is something to be grateful for.

 

[DavidKays]

I know what you mean. So you are a man. I thought you were a woman. I agree with you that waiting makes no sense if both you and your spouse understand the committment for each other. May by exceptions can be in order. I too will not like to wait either. I am older now and much wiser and if both myself and my spouse understand our committment to each other it doesn’t make sense to wait. My grandmother was a deeply religeous woman. When my grandfather met her, he was a deeply religeous man, I think they went on record for the fastest engagement ever, 2 weeks! They were married 49 years and my grandfather was 17 years older than her. I believe in cases such as this that exceptions can be made. It is up to the priest though but if he knows that the both of you understand well your committment he may waiver the 6 month wait. Most couples do not have that luxery and understanding and may need counseling. I understand your question better and yes I agree with you.

 

[PatriceA]

I am actually not getting married it was just a question. But should I do, I am not looking forward to “marriage prep.” It seems like a post-vatican II invention. If two young catholics educated in the faith are committed to a christian marriage and upbringing of children, why is there all this counseling involved?

I was just reading Our Lady of Fatima by William Thomas Walsh. When Sr. Lucia was about 7-8 years old her mother took her to the parish priest to take an oral test to see if she could receive communion. It only took about ten minutes. There wasn’t this whole dragged out process. To me, it seems like sacraments like communion and marriage, if their significance is fully understood by the parties involved, should occur at the discretion of the priest not some 6 month rule. Thats it.

In the future, if I ever did meet a catholic woman I wanted to marry, I don’t see why the should church require 6 months if we fully understood the sacramental meaning of what we are doing.

You answered your own question in a way. Its IF the young Catholics involved fully understood the significance of marriage and are educated in the faith and committed to a christian marriage. That’s a pretty big IF. Many couples are not fully educated in the faith, many have been baptised in the Catholic Church but never went on to receive the other sacraments. Many come from different parishes and it takes time to validate their official records. In an ideal world, couples that want to get married wouldn’t have to wait the six months because they would be fully educated, fully discerned that marriage is the right vocation for them. But we live in a very flawed world, one in which it is more common than not that a couple needs those extra months to fully prepare.

There are exceptions, my cousin was granted permission to marry with only one weeks notice due to extreme health issues within the immediate family. The diocese we got married in, it was only a 4 month notice.

 

[Ralph4454]

You know, no matter how much people think they know about marriage and their committment to each other, living it is another reality altogether. You don’t really understand the significance until it’s put to the test. You need all the help you can get, and the Church provides as much help as it can. That is something to be grateful for.

Amen.

 

[mswood]

Am I the only one who has a problem with most parishes requiring an engaged to let the church know 6 months in advance of their marriage? If two adults understand and are committed to a catholic marriage grounded in chastity, why does 6 months matter?

6 months is not a hard and fast rule, that just seems to be the norm. My parish only requires 4 months advance notice, but some parishes in our disocese require 1 year advance notice and others require the “standard” 6 months. My husband and I actually gave them about 9 months notice but did not start our offical pre-cana until about 5 months before our wedding. When we first contacted our priest in Sept. for our June wedding he booked the church for us and told us to call him after the first of the year to start our pre-cana. Of course he already knew we where free to marry as he handled my husband’s annulment and my Pauline Privilege.

 

[puzzleannie]

Am I the only one who has a problem with most parishes requiring an engaged to let the church know 6 months in advance of their marriage? If two adults understand and are committed to a catholic marriage grounded in chastity, why does 6 months matter?

as a practical matter, because in many parishes it takes that much advance notice to reserve the date you want, and to complete other wedding preparations. As a canon law matter, maybe the couple think they are ready and committed but it is the duty of the pastor to be assured of that, and of their freedom to marry, and that all elements necessary for a valid marriage are in place. That takes time. He is doing his job. For everyone who complains it takes to long, there are 5 who complain their are too many annulments because pastors did not do their best to insure couples are ready, prepared and worthily disposed for this sacrament.

 

[michaeljason]

I will say this - the pre-marital counselling we got from the Church (5 sessions with the priest who married us), along with the engaged couples weekend retreat did a LOT to enhance my relationship with my wife. It truly made us examine the way we communicate, not just with each other, but with God, and to each other THROUGH God.

I was skeptical at first, and thought it was a huge waste of time, but I can honestly say it improved our relationship and brought it to a whole new level.

 

[rapunzel77]

although my husband and I knew the sacramental ramifications of marriage, it still helped to go through the pre-cana stuff and the FOCCUS test. Some issues were brought up that we didn’t know about before. Having a strong faith and being devout is very important in a marriage but there must be more than that involved. There is alot that life will through at you that you would have never anticipated. In my case, about 8 months to the day that we got married, my husband was rushed to the hospital. When we got married, pancreatitis and massive medical bills were not things that we had planned on but when it happened, we got through it with faith, love, and humor . You need all of that to have a good marriage. Sometimes it is best to have a long engagement and during that engagement to talk about everything with each other. Laying a foundation of good communication before the wedding always helps. It is essential. That and prayer of course .

 

[Phemie]

I have to admit that my own wedding took place 3 months after I met with the priest. I went in asking whether or not the date was available. It was, and after a short discussion the date was set. There was no “couples” marriage preparation, (something I’ve often regretted) and I was still living in the parish where I’d been baptized and received all my sacraments so there was no doubt about freedom to marry. DH was from the nearest community and those things weren’t in question with him either so things could go much more quickly. Fr. only met my fiancé at the church door on the night he celebrated our wedding.

DH, OTOH, had done preparation on the military Base where he was posted, something the Chaplain required because he wasn’t Catholic. I later had an opportunity to meet the priest who had prepared him and thanked him for the job he did.

As others have said, the 6 months rule makes sense because of everything that needs to be done. In a smaller parish, it may occur sooner simply because things can be done faster and you don’t have as many people requesting marriage.

 

[Robert_Burns]

Am I the only one who has a problem with most parishes requiring an engaged to let the church know 6 months in advance of their marriage? If two adults understand and are committed to a catholic marriage grounded in chastity, why does 6 months matter?

Well I was married in 1978 and the Church Required that we go to Pre Cana Class.

My oldest Son was married two years ago and they had to go to Pre Cana Class.

The Catholic Church takes the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony seriously. Divorce is incompatible with Catholicism. So the Church in her wisdom takes steps to insure that the Couple arent just jumping into a Marriage - but that they understand the fact that in Catholicism it isnt just a marriage - but one of the Seven Sacraments.

 

[samcarter]

I think it’s an excellent idea. My husband and I met, and got engaged a month after meeting. However, we set the wedding date a year from our engagement, and our priest (after getting over the shock of us getting engaged so quickly after meeting!) even asked us, “Why not get married in six months? That’s the minimum, after all.”

We told him we realized that we needed at least that much time to get to know each other, to work together as a couple, and he agreed. He said he wished more couples were willing to wait that long, rather than argue about the six months being too long a wait!

I have a brother in law who got engaged when he was nearly 50 years old. He and his fiance managed to get the priest to waive the six month waiting period (how, I have no idea). My DH said he thought that was a bad idea; my mother in law said they felt they were old enough and mature enough, that the six months was for “immature couples”.

Well, fast forward a year or two and they’re having marital problems, from what we hear. Maybe a little more pre-Cana would have helped them.

Even with our self-imposed year-long wait, adjusting to marriage was tricky and we’ve had our growing pains. It’s silly to think one can just jump in with two feet, eyes closed.