Waiting, But Struggling

  • Thread starter Thread starter idontknow
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

idontknow

Guest
Me and my girlfriend have been together around a year and plan on probably getting married in maybe another year (We are both about 26). We are waiting for marriage to have relations (sex and to completely see each other’s bodies).

But we have been stuggling at times with resisting each others bodies. We sometimes get going too much and are feeling our bodies against each others more than we should, since we love being close to each other and how great the other person feels - including hugs or anything. We know we need to fix this, as we talked about it quite a bitlast nite, but we have said we need to be stronger before. (We want our relationship to be good through Jesus’s eyes - Plus that will make the reward even better when we get married). I am really stuggling at times when it feels like my testosterone levels (hormones) are through the roof; it feels like I have to put my body against hers or I can’t survive. (I almost want to cry if I am resisting her.) I don’t know what to do about this…

We both love each others bodies and can’t wait for marriage for the “ultimate reward” of getting to see and be with each other after marriage. But we are really having a hard time right now stopping ourselves from doing more than we should be and we know we need to change our relationship and make it less “physical” (pressing our bodies aginst each others).

Thanx for any help.
 
Love is married to suffering. Bear it with patience, not by your strength but by the Strength of Christ. Ask Him for this Strength. It is obedience. Obedience is strength, and the more obedient you are, the stronger you are, the more manly you are, more able to control yourself and to resist temptation, though no one is perfect except in Heaven: it is a lifelong battle to perfection, however short a life is. Jesus suffered His whole life and He gives you a share in His suffering as a gift of love, that you might bear the fruits of love, which are peace, joy, and mercy. Love bears no fruits except through suffering. And these sufferings are flowers, not thorns, to the one who loves, because they are no longer bitter but sweet. Patience in suffering is how you exstract the sweetness. Obeidence is how you become patient. And reliance on Jesus Christ, Father Forever, as a baby relies on its father or as a worm is in the hands of a child, is how you become, like Him, obedient unto death. Meditation on the Passion of Jesus is a good way to combat impure temptations, as it “merits” you greater graces, that is, he who has much will be given more. Above all, love God. Love of God will keep you away from giving into temptation. Remember Who He is: Lord and God. Remember who you are: His baby and a worm in His Hands.
 
If you share the same faith and have discerned that marriage is your vocation, why not set a date and get married? Your Parish usually asks you to allow 6 months for marriage prep.

St Paul said it is better to marry than to burn, so, get married.
 
I agree with Kage. Get married in two or three months – you’ll be so busy in the meantime, you won’t have any time to “get busy” with each other.😛

Desire is a wonderful thing. Ride the wave of desire – but don’t put yourself in situations you can’t handle. Hold each other accountable.

Another thought: kissing can be a problem, and stopping kissing can be a sign and a reminder for you. The key is to set clear boundaries, and follow them.

Your discipline is an expression of love and protection for her. Until you give yourself to her in words, you are honor-bound not to make promises with your body.
 
Thanx for the responses so far. We have been talking and we know we have got to continue to improve our faith and become stronger with resisting each other. Asking God for help is something we need to do more of.

About getting married. You have to let the church know 6 months in advance, and we aren’t quite ready to get married. Next summer is more of a possibility, but we’ll see.

Any other advice or suggestions??? - Also, what do I do when my testosterone levels rise. It feels like I have to get close to her and it is almost impossible to think clearly. Anything to calm that down more?

Thanx…
 
Avoid situations where that sort of activity would come to mind.
 
St_Francis said:
Avoid situations where that sort of activity would come to mind.
Click to expand...
Umm, that sounds about impossible to me. Sorry, but I am turned on by my girlfriend doing about anything. From taking a walk, to holding her in my arms. I love her and her body.
 
idontknow said:
Umm, that sounds about impossible to me. Sorry, but I am turned on by my girlfriend doing about anything. From taking a walk, to holding her in my arms. I love her and her body.
Click to expand...
Do not be alone with her. Meet in public places, go on group dates or to public events, no sitting in a dark movie theatre… Do not hold her in your arms if this is a near occasion of sin.

Shake her hand hello and goodbye, maybe a hug where you lean in and only touch arms shoulders.

Do not talk on the phone to her or IM to her when you are alone. Never talk on the phone when in bed. Use the phone or a computer in a public place (living room or kitchen of your family home or in a starbucks if you live alone).

As St. Paul said, if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off - take drastic measures to avoid sin.

If these will not work, then, consider marriage or that maybe you are not ready to be this deep in a relationship - even in marriage we must not give in to lust and there will be periods of abstainence.
 
kage_ar said:
Do not be alone with her. Meet in public places, go on group dates or to public events, no sitting in a dark movie theatre… Do not hold her in your arms if this is a near occasion of sin.

Shake her hand hello and goodbye, maybe a hug where you lean in and only touch arms shoulders.

Do not talk on the phone to her or IM to her when you are alone. Never talk on the phone when in bed. Use the phone or a computer in a public place (living room or kitchen of your family home or in a starbucks if you live alone).

As St. Paul said, if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off - take drastic measures to avoid sin.

If these will not work, then, consider marriage or that maybe you are not ready to be this deep in a relationship - even in marriage we must not give in to lust and there will be periods of abstainence.
Click to expand...
Ok, we do need to work on things and be more careful, but not touching my girlfriend at all (beisides shaking hands) is a little too extreme. I mean you have to have some contact to know how you really feel about each other. I mean we are considering spending our lives together. Otherwise it would be like guessing we like each other.
 
There is only one, one-time… Make sure that you understand this. Also, pray… nothing is stronger than prayer. Some suggestions is stay in public and don’t allow yourselves to be in situations that will compromise your beliefs.

Look at all these people who have pre-marital sex in addition to sex with all these other people… they lives seriously lack the emotion that God has intended for them and their partner.

Good luck!

Revert TSIEG
 
About the one time…

We won’t give in to that. We both believe it is sacred and will wait for marriage to do that. We haven’t been in danger of doing that, but we have gone farther than we should of (getting to close to each other). We’ve done a lot of talking this week already about stuff and know we need to make an “extra” effort to take it back a notch or two.
  • I was just looking for other helpful tips to help us do a better job of resisiting each other. (Besides not touching at all and not being alone together since we each go to the others house to hang out with the distance being aways. Those two things aren’t realistic.)
 
Funny, you think that people have to touch to know they “like each other”?

Millions - yes, millions of people have married and had long and loving marriages and those people never so much as shook hands before the wedding.

Millions of people visit over long distances and do not hang out alone in the other’s house. It is called being PRUDENT.

Call a friend “hey, Jane is coming over to visit, come on over and have dinner with us and watch movies”.

She calls a friend or her sister “I am going to visit Joe, will you come along this weekend as chaperone?”

You are 26, act like an adult who knows what is prudent.

Why at 26 can you not marry?
 
kage_ar said:
Funny, you think that people have to touch to know they “like each other”?

Millions - yes, millions of people have married and had long and loving marriages and those people never so much as shook hands before the wedding.

Millions of people visit over long distances and do not hang out alone in the other’s house. It is called being PRUDENT.

Call a friend “hey, Jane is coming over to visit, come on over and have dinner with us and watch movies”.

She calls a friend or her sister “I am going to visit Joe, will you come along this weekend as chaperone?”

You are 26, act like an adult who knows what is prudent.

Why at 26 can you not marry?
Click to expand...
  • Are you really saying that the best way to be in a relationship is to avoid all touching??? No holding hands, hugs, putting my arm around her (do that for pictures too), slow dancing, or kissing…Should i tell her mom I can’t hug her either, since she likes them?
That doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship, to avoid each other. How many people in this century do that. In the old days the dad used to choose a wife for the husband or something like that. Things aren’t like that anymore. You marry someone you love.
  • About not spending time alone together. Shouldn’t you spend some time alone together if it is someone you are considering marrying. It’s hard to really get to know someone if other people are always around.
  • We are old enough to marry, but we have been going out for only 10 months. We don’t want to rush too much into it. And also with the Catholic church you have to wait 6 months after the engamement (as I’m sure you know), to take the classes and stuff. So the marriage will be official. - So we can’t get married right away since we aren’t engaged yet.
 
If you do not have control of your passions, as you said when you hug her you are tempted to sin - then, do not hug your girlfriend. We are REQUIRED to avoid near occasions of sin.

In this day and age, we are bombared by the media saying we should do what makes us feel good. That is not true. We should do what makes us HOLY. Does making out with this girl make you holy or does it make you tempted to sin?

And, yes, many people marry without having been overly familiar in a physical way. A good friend of mine got married. As she greeted her parents after the ceremony, she told her mom and dad “my wedding gift to you is that you just witnessed my first kiss”. This young woman was a pageant girl, a buauty queen, stunning and bright. She saved the intimacy of kissing until her wedding. She is blissfully happily married now.

One more thing, marriage is a vocation. You do not get married simply because of romance.
 
It’s nice that you feel that way about your girlfriend and had a giggle reading it. However, as a man it’s your responsibility to protect your girlfriend/fiancee and she is more vulnerable in this relationship. As a woman I am always conscious of the fact that I will be the one that will get pregnant and what will happen if the man leaves me. So get married as soon as possible if you can’t control yourself.
 
budgie2 said:
It’s nice that you feel that way about your girlfriend and had a giggle reading it. However, as a man it’s your responsibility to protect your girlfriend/fiancee and she is more vulnerable in this relationship. As a woman I am always conscious of the fact that I will be the one that will get pregnant and what will happen if the man leaves me. So get married as soon as possible if you can’t control yourself.
Click to expand...
Which thing was you giggling about (just curious)?

We aren’t in that type of danger…We won’t give in and go that far, I am sure of that. There will be No way she will get pregnant before we are married, because we won’t be doing that until afterwords. And I would never leave her.
  • Maybe in my original description I might have describe things a bit too strongly, since it was after I had a hard time resisting her. Now that I re-read it I might have over done it a bit. We will be strong and work to improve our relationship. I was just looking for realistic ways to make it easier, but I haven’t gotten many useful resposes. We will continue to pray about it.
Thanx.
 
idontknow,

Set some boundaries. I have done this in the past, and it does not necessarily need to mean that you can’t touch eachother at all. Here are the rules I had in my last relationship:

1.) Pray together often. It is much easier to control yourself with someone you said the rosary with 15 minutes before. Ask the Blessed Virgin for her prayers.

2.) Do not allow your bodies to become horizontal. Ever. If you are kissing, stay upright the entire time.

3.) Do not allow your genital regions to match up or make contact. I realize you are keeping your clothes on, but, just from experience, it is extremely hard to not loose control if you allow certain areas to become aligned.

4.) Keep kissing as kissing, and not “making out”. A kiss is sweet and loving, and, if used properly, can sufficiently tell someone how much you love them. When it starts going farther into the “passionate kissing”/making out stage…stop. Wait. Calm down. Talk to eachother about how important it is to maintain control.

5.) Try not to be completely alone. For example, if you are in a room, leave the door open just enough so that you wouldn’t be tempted to go too far, lest someone walk in on you.

I know it is hard…believe me. I am 23 and I can relate. If you get to the point where you are almost crying with the frustration of having to stop…then you’ve gone too far. Maybe explain to your girlfriend how difficult it is for men to stop once they’re turned on. As a woman, I can tell you that it is easier for us because it takes far longer to become aroused. My last boyfriend explained this to me and I realized that he needed my help to maintain control.

You BOTH have to be strong…sometimes you will be weak and hopefully she will pick up the slack and stick to the boundaries. Other times it will be you who is stronger. Help eachother. Communicate your struggles. Talk about how difficult it is and encourage eachother to stay strong.

I once heard someone say that the deffinition of love is the willingness to do anything to help the other person get to heaven. Remember this, and think of your souls when things get a little too hot and heavy.
 
VanillaBean said:
idontknow,

Set some boundaries. I have done this in the past, and it does not necessarily need to mean that you can’t touch eachother at all. Here are the rules I had in my last relationship:

1.) Pray together often. It is much easier to control yourself with someone you said the rosary with 15 minutes before. Ask the Blessed Virgin for her prayers.

2.) Do not allow your bodies to become horizontal. Ever. If you are kissing, stay upright the entire time.

3.) Do not allow your genital regions to match up or make contact. I realize you are keeping your clothes on, but, just from experience, it is extremely hard to not loose control if you allow certain areas to become aligned.

4.) Keep kissing as kissing, and not “making out”. A kiss is sweet and loving, and, if used properly, can sufficiently tell someone how much you love them. When it starts going farther into the “passionate kissing”/making out stage…stop. Wait. Calm down. Talk to eachother about how important it is to maintain control.

5.) Try not to be completely alone. For example, if you are in a room, leave the door open just enough so that you wouldn’t be tempted to go too far, lest someone walk in on you.

I know it is hard…believe me. I am 23 and I can relate. If you get to the point where you are almost crying with the frustration of having to stop…then you’ve gone too far. Maybe explain to your girlfriend how difficult it is for men to stop once they’re turned on. As a woman, I can tell you that it is easier for us because it takes far longer to become aroused. My last boyfriend explained this to me and I realized that he needed my help to maintain control.

You BOTH have to be strong…sometimes you will be weak and hopefully she will pick up the slack and stick to the boundaries. Other times it will be you who is stronger. Help eachother. Communicate your struggles. Talk about how difficult it is and encourage eachother to stay strong.

I once heard someone say that the deffinition of love is the willingness to do anything to help the other person get to heaven. Remember this, and think of your souls when things get a little too hot and heavy.
Click to expand...
Thanx for the respose…This is more of a post I was looking for when I made this thread. For the most part it sounds like you understand our relationship and what we need to do. We will try to do some of this stuff.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top