Waiting for Annulment. Betrayed

[dandelion12]

I am a little lost and could use some guidance. I am a cradle Catholic however, grew up with very little Catholic education. I was married for 17 years to an angry, narcissistic, alcoholic non-baptized man. In an effort to protect my children, I divorced him (separated 4 years ago). I believe in marriage and have a desire to be married again. Last year, I signed up on Catholic Match and met a guy within a couple of days. I’m 44, he’s 52. He challenged me about my commitment to my faith. He is a devout Catholic. At the time, I was so confused about how I fit in the Catholic church as a divorced mother. I was quite ignorant. He inspired me to learn more about Catholicism, marriage and introduced me to Theology of the Body. I was like a sponge, so hungry for the truth. I decided to pursue an annulment. I wanted to do everything right! My new friend and I really connected. We wanted to date but felt it improper to do so without my marriage annulled. He said he would wait for me. So, we have have spent the last 15 months getting to know each other. He lives about an hour away. We have talked on the phone 1-2 hrs/day and spent 2-3 weekends/month together. We prayed the rosary and went to church together. We hugged, held hands but never kissed. We didn’t talk about our commitment to each other because that too, felt inappropriate. My marriage was found to be null in the first instance and is now in the second instance review. A few days ago, I discovered out that my friend has been dating online continuously since we met. He logged on while using my ipad. I questioned his intentions and he explained to me that he can’t tolerate my kids. I have two teenage boys. He fears living with them (by marriage) and supporting them. By the way, I am financially stable. He said he has had these fears all along (he has had previous bad experiences with children) but couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and he wasn’t ready to leave me yet. He wanted to keep his options open. Three months into our “relationship” he scheduled a date but canceled out of guilt. One year into our “relationship” he went on a date but told her about me and never communicated again. This is a complicated situation. He didn’t owe me commitment since I’m married in the church. But did he owe me honesty? I am crushed beyond belief. I never saw this coming. While I was prepared that we may not be meant for marriage, I wasn’t prepared for his deceit. I trusted him with all my heart and developed very strong feelings for him. The annulment process has been quite a journey. I have learned so much about Catholic marriage and have a stronger relationship with God. But I don’t know how to process this? I don’t know how I will ever trust again? I thought I was following God’s will. Was this relationship sinful?

 

[styrgwillidar]

Was it sinful? I would advise talking to your priest but my gut feel is no. Although you were hoping to start something if your marriage is annuled you made the effort to abide by the church’s teaching as you understand it.

I am sorry for your pain. However perhaps this was necessary as it brought you closer to the Church and therefore Christ.

 

[andreashofer]

Was it sinful? For any of us it would be wrong to judge.

You must fervently examine yourself. This you can only achieve by prayer that leads to humility. It will humiliate you and in that way you can be purified and reconciled, truly repent and make reparation for it all.

Our task all together is to make reparation for the sins of the world and mingle our blood with the blood of Jesus, shed on Calvary. Mass is the highest form of worship and prayer, offering and sacrifice, but only when it is done in a state of grace.

After all and anyway you should not look for a new husband, but truly adhere yourself to Jesus with your whole being.

Your children are the bond of love between you and your husband and by taking another man, you brake this bond of love. In other words you would disrespect this bond of love and the gift you have received from God. Do not ask for an annulment, because God knows your heart. This world is only temporary. Heaven and hell are eternal.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen

In the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. Amen ( I make the sign of the cross)

 

[Hokomai]

I can,t comment abou the sin, but it is not at all unusual for people genuinely interested in one person to also be interested in others. Get some advice from a counsellor, maybe together to see if the kids aspect is a real problem or not.

 

[Trishie]

Your marriage to “an angry narcissistic, alcoholic non-baptized man” was doubtlessly very painful and stressful for you and your two boys. It is understandable also that you would want to protect your sons from modeling themselves on the example they faced in their father.

You tried to keep your friendship with this new man according to Catholic teaching, as a friendship not a romance.
The positive from the friendship is that it did draw you deeper into the faith.

You are hurt that actually, it was no more than friendship in reality.
You sought to avoid sinning, for which grace you have reason doubly to be thankful for.
It would have been wiser not to have spent so much time with him though as you were still a married woman.

You are hurt that this man didn’t give you the respect of honesty. He knew your hope and was dishonest about his intentions, though his dating effort during your friendship might have been a warning. It would certainly have laid down doubt in my mind…but you possibly haven’t allowed yourself time to recover from living for several years with someone you found was an angry, self-absorbed alcoholic.

Certainly, you do not want a man in your life who does not welcome your sons.
They don’t need another bad father, because a man who doesn’t really love them isn’t a good father because they will know they are simply tolerated and it will be further injury to them if he were to stay around. In that sense, as well as the honesty aspect, you are better off without him as a future husband, though that may not be something you want to hear right now.

That this man isn’t ideal…I would certainly not wish to marry someone who couldn’t be straight with me, who wanted to date others while giving me to understand he was waiting for me, and who didn’t welcome my boys…but that doesn’t stop this from being very distressing and hurtful. It isn’t so unusual, though, for there to be an interim relationship after a breakup. It seems to be a time of learning in such interim relationships. I’ve seen this happen with several others. It may take a little time after a breakup like that, or an annulment, to find peace and happiness.

 

[Dorothy]

Look at the positive side…you have learned more about your Catholic faith and have become closer to the Lord!

In our own parish you can become involved in some kind of ministry if you feel called to be. Also, there may be faith formation adult meetings where you can meet other Catholics. If not so in your parish, then in neighboring parishes.

 

[Dee_S]

I believe in marriage and have a desire to be married again. You stick with that, you sound like a very good lady.

He is a devout Catholic.
I don’t thin he knows the meaning of ‘devout’! Devotion, St Thomas Aquinas teachings, is the conforming of our will to the Will of God. Which part of his will was he devoting to God, because it seems he holds something back there too.

We wanted to date but felt it improper to do so without my marriage annulled. He said he would wait for me. So, we kissed. We didn’t talk about our commitment to each other because that too, felt inappropriate.
Sorry, but it sounds like he was trying to have his cake and eat it. I believe it is allowed to have an attachment to another person with a view to marriage while in the process of an annulment. Of course, conduct must be Christian and also one must be prepared to break off the relationship should the annulment not be granted, closing off any hope of being married. (you can PM me on this if you like)

My marriage was found to be null in the first instance and is now in the second instance review. Will keep you in my prayers, you are bravely facing this process alone, and it is not an easy one. Keep your will fixed on accepting God’s Will to you through this process, as it really is only about you and Him here.

A few days ago, I discovered out that my friend has been dating online continuously since we met. He logged on while using my ipad.
This man lacks honor - which you appear to have. He is not your type, over and out.

I questioned his intentions and he explained to me that he can’t tolerate my kids.
I have two teenage boys. He fears living with them (by marriage) and supporting them.
By the way, I am financially stable. He said he has had these fears all along (he has had previous bad experiences with children) but couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and he wasn’t ready to leave me yet.
He is most certainly unstable. The expressions he uses…‘tolerate’, ‘fears’, are clear signs of this and sounds like he has something to hide. Be careful here. He lives far from you, and you don’t really know him at all. I’m willing to be he has the odd ‘temper tantrum’ or two himself. Perhaps he can’t stand the competition

He wanted to keep his options open. Three months into our “relationship” he scheduled a date but canceled out of guilt. One year into our “relationship” he went on a date but told her about me and never communicated again.
What a cheek, and certainly not the behaviour of a truly devout Catholic man. Do you really believe him? Keeping his options open - Oh my,…words fail me…

This is a complicated situation
No it’s not! It is rather clear from the outside, sorry to say. He is a selfish cheat and is looking for what benefits him the most - true love, honor and decency are not on his list.

But did he owe me honesty? I am crushed beyond belief. I never saw this coming.
Of course he did. Never mind the owed or not owed, you don’t need that type of honesty that tells you he is trying to date other women while in a relationship with you. Trust your instincts, better to be ‘crushed’ now, than to be destroyed should you end up married until death you do part with this ‘devout’ Catholic man.

While I was prepared that we may not be meant for marriage,more of his disturbed logic?I wasn’t prepared for his deceit. I trusted him with all my heart and developed very strong feelings for him.He knew this

The annulment process has been quite a journey. I have learned so much about Catholic marriage and have a stronger relationship with God. But I don’t know how to process this? I don’t know how I will ever trust again? Big questions here, but you will. So far you are protected by God, trust He will guide you in all your ways. Hold tight to his Mother. Mary is our mother too.

I thought I was following God’s will.Consider this exposing of what/who he really is, a blessing in disguise and “thank God in all things” - He holds us in the palm of His hand.

Was this relationship sinful? The short answer is NO. and that you can check out with your parish priest…

Blessed Alan de la Roche said "Let everyone who loves you, oh most Mary, listen to this and drink it in:
Whenever I say Hail Mary the court of heaven rejoices
And the earth is lost in wonderment.
And I despise the world and my heart is brim-full of the love of God
When I say Hail Mary;
All my fears wilt and die and my passions are quelled
if I say Hail Mary;
Devotion grows within me and sorrow for sin awakens
When I say Hail Mary.
Hope is made strong in my breast
And the dew of consolation falls on my soul
More and more - because I say Hail Mary.
And my spirit rejoices
And sorrow fades away
When I say Hail Mary. . .

 

[maltmom]

How heartbreaking. Of course you feel betrayed. This is someone who portrayed himself as someone you may have had a future with once your decree of nullity was issued. Hold on to your faith. You are doing everything you are supposed to do. Just think, you may have waited years before applying for your decree. You are close to having it finalized. It is worth the effort.

I will be praying for you.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I am going to tell you something that is going to be a little hard to hear. Right now you are not fully available. So as long as you are not fully available you will probably attract people that are not fully available either. This man from the sounds of it does not sound like he was ready to make genuine committment as he was not honest with you but hid behind the decree of nullity process rather than tell you the truth - that he was not interested because of your children. Instead he let you become attached. This is just something on a more human level. I do think you did your best to avoid sinning - it is a difficult situation. Now, you know and from the sounds of it the process is almost over for you. I would recommend some counseling as it will help you transition back into the dating world. God bless,

 

[JRKH]

I agree with the others that you should talk to your confessor about your feelings in this matter.

As to the fellow - It sounds to me like he is someone who is also struggling. He does not sound like an insincere person or he would not have been so supportive of your needing to get an annulment before moving forward. It strikes me that, during the course of all of this…getting to know you (and your children)…sorting through his own feelings…and so forth, he has gradually come to where he stands now - feeling reluctant to move forward with the relationship.
There could be many reasons for this…and so I would not judge him too harshly.

Perhaps the best way to look at this is - God brought this person into your life for a specific purpose. That purpose has been fulfilled and now God has other things for each of you to do - just not together.

Best of luck to you.

Peace
James

 

[joanofarc2008]

I agree with the others that you should talk to your confessor about your feelings in this matter.

As to the fellow - It sounds to me like he is someone who is also struggling. He does not sound like an insincere person or he would not have been so supportive of your needing to get an annulment before moving forward. It strikes me that, during the course of all of this…getting to know you (and your children)…sorting through his own feelings…and so forth, he has gradually come to where he stands now - feeling reluctant to move forward with the relationship.
There could be many reasons for this…and so I would not judge him too harshly.

Perhaps the best way to look at this is - God brought this person into your life for a specific purpose. That purpose has been fulfilled and now God has other things for each of you to do - just not together.

Best of luck to you.

Peace
James

Very well put. Of course that does not mean that after a cooling off period you could not develop a sincere friendship with this man that brought you closer to your faith.

 

[irmarobert]

Hi,
I just want to share about something with you. 1 woman, have a kids, and she is divorced with her husband. Someday, she meet 1 man in internet. And she decided to meet and start relationship. But, the problem is, that woman learning bible much, and try to build her relationship with God more. 1 day, that woman thinking of annulment. And that woman give all the letters to Bishop in her city. But, that woman’s heart thinking something wrong with that. And she is praying a lot to ask GOD. 1 day, she saw the cross at the altar at the mass at church. And she just say, “God, it’s amazing. But what You want me to do with that?” God just silent…
And 1 day after that, again at the mass (because that woman attend to daily mass), that woman saw MARK 10.9 at the altar when concrecation. She just crying, and at that time, she knows that GOD hate divorced. And she just cancelled her annulment process.
And GOD is awesome, when we want to do what HE want, HE will make everything great. And that’s real story. Maybe you can found all GOD wants in Holy Bible. In Corintians, God tell us when divorced is happen, we can’t married again, just focus and be closer with God. And Jesus says, we can get Moses letter, but that’s because of we want. Not GOD’s will.
I’m sorry if you are not agree with me. But I think maybe you can be closer with God, and ask God what He want u to do.
God bless you.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Hi,
I just want to share about something with you. 1 woman, have a kids, and she is divorced with her husband. Someday, she meet 1 man in internet. And she decided to meet and start relationship. But, the problem is, that woman learning bible much, and try to build her relationship with God more. 1 day, that woman thinking of annulment. And that woman give all the letters to Bishop in her city. But, that woman’s heart thinking something wrong with that. And she is praying a lot to ask GOD. 1 day, she saw the cross at the altar at the mass at church. And she just say, “God, it’s amazing. But what You want me to do with that?” God just silent…
And 1 day after that, again at the mass (because that woman attend to daily mass), that woman saw MARK 10.9 at the altar when concrecation. She just crying, and at that time, she knows that GOD hate divorced. And she just cancelled her annulment process.
And GOD is awesome, when we want to do what HE want, HE will make everything great. And that’s real story. Maybe you can found all GOD wants in Holy Bible. In Corintians, God tell us when divorced is happen, we can’t married again, just focus and be closer with God. And Jesus says, we can get Moses letter, but that’s because of we want. Not GOD’s will.
I’m sorry if you are not agree with me. But I think maybe you can be closer with God, and ask God what He want u to do.
God bless you.

Christ also differentiates in Matthew the difference between a marriage that was not legal to start and a marriage that was. The Bible was meant to be read as a whole not in pieces. Your argument is with 2,000 years of Church Doctrine, the Church that Christ Himself founded not this woman or anyone else on the forum.

 

[cmscms]

After all and anyway you should not look for a new husband, but truly adhere yourself to Jesus with your whole being.

Your children are the bond of love between you and your husband and by taking another man, you brake this bond of love. In other words you would disrespect this bond of love and the gift you have received from God. Do not ask for an annulment, because God knows your heart. This world is only temporary. Heaven and hell are eternal.

Awww that is not a very nice thing to say. If her marriage was not valid, it is totally acceptable to have an annullment and remarry. Besides, it does not sound like her ex husband had any love for her.

To the OP, I too would feel very betrayed. This man was not upfront with you. But like someone else said, look at the bright side, you were able to learn a lot about God.

CM

 

[irmarobert]

Hello,
I’m sorry if you are not agree with that. But maybe that’s in different side. And about the story, that’s real story.
And that woman for now very happy without man. She just working, taking care of her family, and had a community in Jesus Christ.
And I just share her life. Not say divorced is a sins. The decision is depends on each person.
I don’t think she read bible verse by verse. But I think she read the bible in all story. That’s why she can analyzed like that.
Anyway, I don’t mean to arguing you all. I just want to share something in different side.
God bless you all.

 

[dandelion12]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have been reading through posts for the past year but didn’t register until yesterday. Getting perspectives from all of you has been a real blessing!

I have done a lot of soul searching (and research about marriage) and believe with all my heart that my marriage was not valid. In fact, I’m convinced that applying for an anullment is my moral obligation, regardless of whether or not I should ever marry again. It’s the right thing to do! Of course, I know, that the decision to declare my marriage null is not mine. I did my best to present the facts, the tribunal will make the decision. I do appreciate your concern, however.

I agree that I should not judge my “friend” so harshly. I am definitley better off now than before he came into my life. I just don’t why he wasn’t honest with me. I guess I will never know.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree that I should not judge my “friend” so harshly. I am definitley better off now than before he came into my life. I just don’t why he wasn’t honest with me. I guess I will never know.

Take him at his word. His intention was not to hurt you, but he misguided himself because he was following a hodgepodge of comflicting desires and feelings. He pretended feelings other than what he felt and pretended he wasn’t pursuing a relationship with anyone else when he was.

A woman might feel hurt if a girlfriend of hers was pretending one attitude towards dating out of a misguided wish to pretend camaraderie while in fact the friend was actually pursuing another lifestyle altogether. On that account, I think even your friend would say you have every reason to feel betrayed.

If he is like any of the rest of us, he’ll hope you can look past your hurt and let go of bad feelings about it, but he won’t expect you to act as if he committed no offense. He did, he knows it, and all the denials and rationalizations he fed himself at the time don’t change that.

I hope you can see his unfortunate violation against you in the light which it belongs: People aren’t all bad, but people are sinners, and even with the best of intentions we do make mistakes when we act out of the blindness of sin. Let it him go as a fellow debtor, and realize that you have a great capacity to forgive debts because of the ocean of mercy that you yourself enjoy. Realize that he does not demonstrate that the human race is incapable of the fidelity required for both good marriages and sturdy life-long friendships. A certain amount of resilience is required, but by the grace of God, that is something we can manage under most circumstances. In the other circumstances, well, those are violations of trust that preclude reconciliation except by putting the person in a position of far lesser trust, but God is there to comfort us, too.

PS Someone who positively loves both your children and any grandchildren you may have one day would undoubtedly be a better match. He probably wasn’t a viable long-term choice, except as a friend you enjoy on a platonic basis outside the company of your kids, so in spite of the pain you can look at this as a bit of a dodged bullet, too. That’s not sour grapes, but a realistic view that can come to you in time. If you run into this fellow as an acquaintance again, you can be OK with it. It would have been nice to know the truth sooner, but later is better than way later (or never). He’s not who you would’ve been looking for, down the road.

 

[cmscms]

I agree that I should not judge my “friend” so harshly. I am definitley better off now than before he came into my life. I just don’t why he wasn’t honest with me. I guess I will never know.

And I don’t think even your friend will ever know why he was not honest with you. Honesty is a very hard thing and a lot of people are not capable of it. Some people have so much struggle with honesty they don’t even realize they are being dishonest

You deserve better ( and that comment is not intended to insult your friend)

CM

 

[Luvz2travel]

I am a little lost and could use some guidance. I am a cradle Catholic however, grew up with very little Catholic education. I was married for 17 years to an angry, narcissistic, alcoholic non-baptized man. In an effort to protect my children, I divorced him (separated 4 years ago). I believe in marriage and have a desire to be married again. Last year, I signed up on Catholic Match and met a guy within a couple of days. I’m 44, he’s 52. He challenged me about my commitment to my faith. He is a devout Catholic. At the time, I was so confused about how I fit in the Catholic church as a divorced mother. I was quite ignorant. He inspired me to learn more about Catholicism, marriage and introduced me to Theology of the Body. I was like a sponge, so hungry for the truth. I decided to pursue an annulment. I wanted to do everything right! My new friend and I really connected. We wanted to date but felt it improper to do so without my marriage annulled. He said he would wait for me. So, we have have spent the last 15 months getting to know each other. He lives about an hour away. We have talked on the phone 1-2 hrs/day and spent 2-3 weekends/month together. We prayed the rosary and went to church together. We hugged, held hands but never kissed. We didn’t talk about our commitment to each other because that too, felt inappropriate. My marriage was found to be null in the first instance and is now in the second instance review. A few days ago, I discovered out that my friend has been dating online continuously since we met. He logged on while using my ipad. I questioned his intentions and he explained to me that he can’t tolerate my kids. I have two teenage boys. He fears living with them (by marriage) and supporting them. By the way, I am financially stable. He said he has had these fears all along (he has had previous bad experiences with children) but couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and he wasn’t ready to leave me yet. He wanted to keep his options open. Three months into our “relationship” he scheduled a date but canceled out of guilt. One year into our “relationship” he went on a date but told her about me and never communicated again. This is a complicated situation. He didn’t owe me commitment since I’m married in the church. But did he owe me honesty? I am crushed beyond belief. I never saw this coming. While I was prepared that we may not be meant for marriage, I wasn’t prepared for his deceit. I trusted him with all my heart and developed very strong feelings for him. The annulment process has been quite a journey. I have learned so much about Catholic marriage and have a stronger relationship with God. But I don’t know how to process this? I don’t know how I will ever trust again? I thought I was following God’s will. Was this relationship sinful?

Sinful…not sure but that’s between you and GOD a good idea no. I think it’s always a bad idea to attempt anything near a dating relationship when you’re not entirely free to do so. Just my 2 cents. First you have the guilt getting in the way or unfinished feelings with your former spouse that have to be contended with then you also have the possibility that while you might feel there was no marriage the church might decide otherwise so why involved your emotions and the emotions of someone else and set yourselves both up for more pain. As to the guy it sounds like you got a lucky escape there and found out what he’s really like before you got yourself in deeper than you already are. Take that as a sign that GOD is watching out for you instead of punishing you. While it would have been nice for you to see it earlier there may have been signs that you just missed or just overlooked.

Prayers.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I am going to tell you something that is going to be a little hard to hear. Right now you are not fully available. So as long as you are not fully available you will probably attract people that are not fully available either. This man from the sounds of it does not sound like he was ready to make genuine committment as he was not honest with you but hid behind the decree of nullity process rather than tell you the truth - that he was not interested because of your children. Instead he let you become attached. This is just something on a more human level. I do think you did your best to avoid sinning - it is a difficult situation. Now, you know and from the sounds of it the process is almost over for you. I would recommend some counseling as it will help you transition back into the dating world. God bless,

Yep this says it best you were in a quasi relationship with a commitment phobic. I know them well since I seem to attract them myself. They pull you in and then run when things get serious or look as if they might get serious.