Waiting For Marriage ♥

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I was just commenting on what Adam said… so, this is to Abbey based on his comment.

It would cull through a huge sampling of men. I’m not sure it’s realistic, but maybe it’s a good idea. Don’t know for sure. Anyways, kiss only the ones you are really serious about and after you’ve known them for a long period of time. This will filter out a very large number of guys and leave you with some truly very virtuous guys who are not just playing around.

P.S. I love your little profile intro. I’m a melancholic temperament, which is more or less the polar opposite of a cheerful sanguine such as yourself. The way you described it was quite funny. Every person is quite unique. That’s for sure.
 
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I have to say, i can fully understand waiting until marriage in order to have any sort of heavy makeout, heavy petting, or preliminaries to sex, as well as sex itself. But in Western culture, if somebody didn’t even want to kiss me goodnight after we made a serious commitment to each other, I would wonder if that person was attracted to me and whether they would be able to fulfill the expected duties of a marital partner after the wedding.

You could perhaps find a guy who agreed with your approach, but for many guys it might be a red flag if you’re ducking a reasonably quick kiss. Sure, it would weed out a lot of sleazy guys, but it might also cause some good guys to feel a bit uncomfortable, since a reasonably quick kiss between a committed couple that doesn’t lead to other things is generally not considered a sin.
 
I also would urge you to talk to the men you date. I don’t necessarily mean 30 minutes after you meet him, but on a second date or later, it is only fair to the guy to set the boundaries and lay out the ground rules. You sound sage enough to weed out the posers and the players off the bat, but in today’s world, anything goes, there is not accepted “formula” for what is right and what is wrong in a dating situation as there was 50 or so years ago. And, most decent guys who are “normal” and “healthy” have some preconceived notions about how to relate to women in today’s society. Your choice, sad to say, seems not to be in the majority. Kudos on your values, keep them, but be open and honest with men. We appreciate not only the truth, but being talked to in plain language.
 
D’ya know what, that is the sweetest thing I’ve heard in recent times. Have no doubt that the Father is watching over you and your perfect match is coming your way!!! Sending you all my love and blessings ❤️
 
Tis_Bearself said:
I have to say, i can fully understand waiting until marriage in order to have any sort of heavy makeout, heavy petting, or preliminaries to sex, as well as sex itself. But in Western culture, if somebody didn’t even want to kiss me goodnight after we made a serious commitment to each other, I would wonder if that person was attracted to me and whether they would be able to fulfill the expected duties of a marital partner after the wedding.
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That’s fair.

While dating, my wife and I agreed on the “zipper rule”.

If it sits behind the zipper on a pair of jeans, no touching. I understand that may still permit a level of contact that many would find immoral. But eh, we were young and intent on enjoying our youth.

Father forgive us 😅
 
We had the rule that if it is covered by your underwear - no touching. We were of course fully dressed but you get the point.
 
So many rules. I am afraid that waiting for marriage will in no way guarantee that your marriage is a happy one. But still, it may be worth trying, I don’t know. I wonder what the benefits are, at the end of the day. After all, it could raise unrealistic expectations and you are let down all the more when married.
 
Constantin said:
So many rules.
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There’s really only one - where do you draw the line?

We’re just giving where exactly we did that in our unique situations.
I am afraid that waiting for marriage will in no way guarantee that your marriage is a happy one.
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It helps. You’re further invested in it.
After all, it could raise unrealistic expectations and you are let down all the more when married.
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Let’s try to encourage folks and not warn them that crap might happen.

We’re all adults here. We already know crap can happen.

If your marriage is on the rocks, go get help, Constantin.
 
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This is not about my marriage. I just wanted to cut the enthusiasm to more realistic levels. Our faith is not mainly about saving oneself for marriage.
 
Constantin said:
This is not about my marriage. I just wanted to cut the enthusiasm to more realistic levels. Our faith is not mainly about saving oneself for marriage.
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No one is saying that our faith is “about that”, but technically it’s a sin to not do so. I could sit here and argue that there are some benefits to having sex before marriage, but that wouldn’t magically make it un-sinful in the eyes of the Church. There are also a huge amount of potential negatives to it, ranging from contracting an STD that could kill you, to generally making you disillusioned about the whole act.

The reason you are seeing enthusiasm here is that no one is going to come on this thread and say “I dunno man, I committed the mortal sin of sex before marriage 1,875 times before I finally married my wife, and some of those times weren’t even with her, and we have a great marriage today. Maybe you want to re-think the whole plan OP, and sin just like me!” That in itself would be several sins. You’re going to see mostly posts from people who have encouraging success stories to share about doing what the OP wants to do.

I think we all know that not every Catholic - heck, not every Catholic saint - lived a chaste life in their youth. That doesn’t make it right or provide a basis for discouraging this girl from her admirable goal of not sinning by having sex before marriage.

I agree with you that it was much easier for at least girls to follow this commandment back in the day when they were married off at 14 than today when they might not meet Mr. Right until age 35, but the rule is still the rule.

I think we also all know that saving yourself for marriage is not a guarantee of a good marriage any more than living together having sex for 5 years before you get hitched is a guarantee. There are no guarantees. A marriage works or not based on many factors, primarily the ongoing love and commitment to each other of the two people in it.
 
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Constantin said:
So many rules. I am afraid that waiting for marriage will in no way guarantee that your marriage is a happy one. But still, it may be worth trying, I don’t know. I wonder what the benefits are, at the end of the day. After all, it could raise unrealistic expectations and you are let down all the more when married.
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As someone who didn’t wait til marriage.
I can say this is terrible advice.
Yeah…waiting doesn’t guarantee happiness. But not waiting is a heck of a lot more likely to cause hurt and unhappiness to you.

I don’t know what you mean by unrealistic expectations. Any adult should be able to enter marriage with a reasonable set of expectations if they got a half decent marriage prep.
 
Marriage prep may not cover the situation where someone’s “first sex” is built up into a big major rite of passage deal and then completely fails to live up to expectations in some way, whether psychological or physical. At least, my marriage prep did not discuss this. Perhaps some other courses do.

Some people are lucky and don’t experience this, others are unlucky and have to work through it, whether married or not when they are doing the “working through”.
 
I’d add to that that I thank God for my wonderful wife every day…but I would have much preferred to come to marriage having waited for her as she did for me.
It’s not something you think of every day. But it is a much safer bet to wait than not in terms of happiness.
 
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The couple that did my marriage prep basically said to us it takes time and effort. Like everything else in life
 
We waited for marriage. It was important to her and back then I saw that I was going to lose her should I try something, so I agreed. I don’t think that it helped us much, though. One big plus is that there is no past deep relationships besides your spouse. That is worth something indeed.
 
I wish I had waited, and almost through a year of celibacy, I do believe in forgiveness. I’ve never found true intimacy before, and I know it’s in waiting I will find it. I think a kiss to someone you’re planning on marrying is not a single though, but obviously I can see from your story it might be good to wait on that a while as well.
 
I think that the whole thing about expectations is better tackled by talking realistically about sex rather that telling people not to wait.
 
Yeah, you’re going to have the expectations thing regardless of whether one waits for marriage or not. I’ve been there, and a large number of other women I know have also, though our stories are all a little different.
 
You may be sparing yourself a lifetime of heartbreak, STDs, drama, etc. Most people cannot easily divorce sex from emotions or love. I do not think it is in our nature. I think God intended it to be that way.
 
I didn’t tell anyone not to wait. I would recommend anyone to do as the church teaches. Just don’t think it guarantees anything.
 
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