Waitng for something to change

[IdaD]

I am constantly blamed for many things. My husband told me when we first met he did not want a woman with makeup or who desired expensive things. He wanted someone who can clean and cook more than look good.
He will tell me things like you’re not sexy. Then tell me that I am insecure. He also tells me I don’t need to do everything around the house as it doesn’t need to be perfect. yet he complains if I don’t do something and lets me know where I have done something wrong. He even complains to his friends.
The real problem I see is I have gotten older and gained weight. His friends are all divorcees and are very into appearances. One of his friends replied, “she is not as old as I thought.” when my husband told him it was my birthday. My husband also told everyone he knew what I told him about my past. So I feel he has betrayed me.
He has never apologized and says since he is not the man who has been abusive to me in my past he can never hurt me.
He also sits on his *** until I complain about doing all the housework. So right now he is up and mopping the floor.
I also attend college although I have had a break from December 12th and start January 14th. He says I won’t let him clean or cook. Only when I study him and our daughter ask me where everything is, how to do something, or leave a huge mess.
I am so tired at the end of the day I don’t have energy to shower. I am totally wiped out.
My husband told me he will take care of the cleaning and cooking while I go back to school this semester. Only I also hate watching him huff and puff over mopping. He has a heart murmur that doctors have predicted a pace maker in his future. We both have medical conditions. So we get tired.
Yet I cannot do it all. My courses are medical courses and this is my last semester. I already deal with women who discriminate on my homely appearance as it is. And I don’t really want to befriend these types of people. I want to do things my own way. I have tried things my husband’s way… ‘no makeup, all natural, inexpensive clothing, I don’t need the most fashionable shoes, one purse is good enough, who cares what people think, and a vehicle is a vehicle.’… all those things really do matter in this world. If I want respect I need to change from homely and also work on associating with people again.
Women already dismiss me as hopeless and not worth the time. Even older women who claim work is hard do to discrimination of women dismiss me as not worth the time. So I look at it like I have a tough rode ahead of me. And most of the time I don’t feel well supported.

 

[Xantippe]

I am constantly blamed for many things. My husband told me when we first met he did not want a woman with makeup or who desired expensive things. He wanted someone who can clean and cook more than look good.
He will tell me things like you’re not sexy. Then tell me that I am insecure. He also tells me I don’t need to do everything around the house as it doesn’t need to be perfect. yet he complains if I don’t do something and lets me know where I have done something wrong. He even complains to his friends.
The real problem I see is I have gotten older and gained weight. His friends are all divorcees and are very into appearances. One of his friends replied, “she is not as old as I thought.” when my husband told him it was my birthday. My husband also told everyone he knew what I told him about my past. So I feel he has betrayed me.
He has never apologized and says since he is not the man who has been abusive to me in my past he can never hurt me.
He also sits on his *** until I complain about doing all the housework. So right now he is up and mopping the floor.
I also attend college although I have had a break from December 12th and start January 14th. He says I won’t let him clean or cook. Only when I study him and our daughter ask me where everything is, how to do something, or leave a huge mess.
I am so tired at the end of the day I don’t have energy to shower. I am totally wiped out.
My husband told me he will take care of the cleaning and cooking while I go back to school this semester. Only I also hate watching him huff and puff over mopping. He has a heart murmur that doctors have predicted a pace maker in his future. We both have medical conditions. So we get tired.
Yet I cannot do it all. My courses are medical courses and this is my last semester. I already deal with women who discriminate on my homely appearance as it is. And I don’t really want to befriend these types of people. I want to do things my own way. I have tried things my husband’s way… ‘no makeup, all natural, inexpensive clothing, I don’t need the most fashionable shoes, one purse is good enough, who cares what people think, and a vehicle is a vehicle.’… all those things really do matter in this world. If I want respect I need to change from homely and also work on associating with people again.
Women already dismiss me as hopeless and not worth the time. Even older women who claim work is hard do to discrimination of women dismiss me as not worth the time. So I look at it like I have a tough rode ahead of me. And most of the time I don’t feel well supported.

One purse is enough and a vehicle is a vehicle, if money is limited, but in your shoes, I would focus on hair and clothes, as those provide the biggest bang for your buck. You’ll need to shine yourself up if you’re going back to work.

If your husband says something that hurts your feelings, say, “That hurt my feelings.”

Good luck!

 

[IdaD]

One purse is enough and a vehicle is a vehicle, if money is limited, but in your shoes, I would focus on hair and clothes, as those provide the biggest bang for your buck. You’ll need to shine yourself up if you’re going back to work.

If your husband says something that hurts your feelings, say, “That hurt my feelings.”

Good luck!

I have tried telling him he hurt my feelings only he thinks my feelings cannot be hurt because I have a past where I have been hurt in the past. He believes he cannot do anything to hurt me.
If we’re outside then he is this gentleman. When we’re in the privacy of our own home then he is very different. Sometimes loving, but mostly distant. At times he pushes me away when I have gone to give him a hug. Then in front of women in public he’ll act the great husband again.
He has told me I am mean for speaking up for myself while telling me the next minute I am insecure for not speaking up for myself.
Right now he is walking around the house cleaning because I told him I do so much and no one appreciates me. The fact is him and our daughter will help out in the kitchen one day and compliment each other, so I told him today that it is great to receive compliments on one days work, but try doing every day all day long! Then realize no one cares about the work you’ve done when you receive no recognition for being supportive.
He doesn’t think of me as a woman who deserves to be treated nicely.
I understand from his behavior and way of talking to me that he married me because my past made him think I was more fun than a good woman and it angered his mother. In reality I am quit normal in life. He claims to be a good man only he wanted something that he now tells people he doesn’t like. He also repeats when he’s angry he’s a good man.
the one thing I know for certain is he could learn to be more humble.

 

[Xantippe]

I have tried telling him he hurt my feelings only he thinks my feelings cannot be hurt because I have a past where I have been hurt in the past. He believes he cannot do anything to hurt me.
If we’re outside then he is this gentleman. When we’re in the privacy of our own home then he is very different. Sometimes loving, but mostly distant. At times he pushes me away when I have gone to give him a hug. Then in front of women in public he’ll act the great husband again.
He has told me I am mean for speaking up for myself while telling me the next minute I am insecure for not speaking up for myself.
Right now he is walking around the house cleaning because I told him I do so much and no one appreciates me. The fact is him and our daughter will help out in the kitchen one day and compliment each other, so I told him today that it is great to receive compliments on one days work, but try doing every day all day long! Then realize no one cares about the work you’ve done when you receive no recognition for being supportive.
He doesn’t think of me as a woman who deserves to be treated nicely.
I understand from his behavior and way of talking to me that he married me because my past made him think I was more fun than a good woman and it angered his mother. In reality I am quit normal in life. He claims to be a good man only he wanted something that he now tells people he doesn’t like. He also repeats when he’s angry he’s a good man.
the one thing I know for certain is he could learn to be more humble.

How about some marriage counseling? It sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about.

 

[Lookingforjoy]

I’m so sorry! Is counseling an option? Does he realize there’s a problem?

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

I am constantly blamed for many things. My husband told me when we first met he did not want a woman with makeup or who desired expensive things. He wanted someone who can clean and cook more than look good.
He will tell me things like you’re not sexy. Then tell me that I am insecure. He also tells me I don’t need to do everything around the house as it doesn’t need to be perfect. yet he complains if I don’t do something and lets me know where I have done something wrong. He even complains to his friends.
The real problem I see is I have gotten older and gained weight. His friends are all divorcees and are very into appearances. One of his friends replied, “she is not as old as I thought.” when my husband told him it was my birthday. My husband also told everyone he knew what I told him about my past. So I feel he has betrayed me.
He has never apologized and says since he is not the man who has been abusive to me in my past he can never hurt me.
He also sits on his *** until I complain about doing all the housework. So right now he is up and mopping the floor.
I also attend college although I have had a break from December 12th and start January 14th. He says I won’t let him clean or cook. Only when I study him and our daughter ask me where everything is, how to do something, or leave a huge mess.
I am so tired at the end of the day I don’t have energy to shower. I am totally wiped out.
My husband told me he will take care of the cleaning and cooking while I go back to school this semester. Only I also hate watching him huff and puff over mopping. He has a heart murmur that doctors have predicted a pace maker in his future. We both have medical conditions. So we get tired.
Yet I cannot do it all. My courses are medical courses and this is my last semester. I already deal with women who discriminate on my homely appearance as it is. And I don’t really want to befriend these types of people. I want to do things my own way. I have tried things my husband’s way… ‘no makeup, all natural, inexpensive clothing, I don’t need the most fashionable shoes, one purse is good enough, who cares what people think, and a vehicle is a vehicle.’… all those things really do matter in this world. If I want respect I need to change from homely and also work on associating with people again.
Women already dismiss me as hopeless and not worth the time. Even older women who claim work is hard do to discrimination of women dismiss me as not worth the time. So I look at it like I have a tough rode ahead of me. And most of the time I don’t feel well supported.

He sounds as though he contradicts himself. Usually looking sexy and wearing makeup and trying to do little things that make the woman feel better about herself go together. What has he got against women wearing makeup? I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

[Viki63]

Dear Ida,
you have a lot of issues going on here. Self esteem issues, sharing housework issues, how to talk to each other, how to discuss and disagree courteously. Counseling would definitely be a good idea.
If finances are a problem, perhaps you can find counselling through Catholic Community services, or your pastor.
The problem is not that you have gotten older and gained weight. Who hasn’t? (And if they haven’t yet, give them time,)
The problem is that your husband does not talk to you with respect; and it’s possible that you do not know how to be assertive. For example, if you are studying and they ask you how to do something or where something is, you could say, ''I’m busy right now, but you are smart and I know you can figure it out," And they will.
He should also stop discussing you with his friends.
It would help if all of you could agree on a division of labor that is fair, If your daughter lives with you, perhaps she could take over the heavy tasks like mopping.
Please look into counseling. God bless.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Your husband sounds like a classic manipulator. They tear others down others to make themselves feel better, superior or just to have control. The next time your husband mentions your past try saying “So what” Your past is between you and GOD and has nothing to do with him. If he married you knowing all about your past what ever it was he has no call to even mention not unless you’re repeating dangerous or old destructive behavior such as drugs. You are a good person. Don’t let his negative treatement convince you bad just because he says so. Manipulators will always blame everything on the other person. They are never at fault for anything. They manipulate and control others. In many cases there’s not point in even arguing with them because whatever you say they will come back with your to blame it’s all you they are perfect, spotless and always in the right. Just keep that in mind with you husband. Also work on you self image. Prayers.

 

[HollyDolly]

Your husband sounds like a classic manipulator. They tear others down others to make themselves feel better, superior or just to have control. The next time your husband mentions your past try saying “So what” Your past is between you and GOD and has nothing to do with him. If he married you knowing all about your past what ever it was he has no call to even mention not unless you’re repeating dangerous or old destructive behavior such as drugs. You are a good person. Don’t let his negative treatement convince you bad just because he says so. Manipulators will always blame everything on the other person. They are never at fault for anything. They manipulate and control others. In many cases there’s not point in even arguing with them because whatever you say they will come back with your to blame it’s all you they are perfect, spotless and always in the right. Just keep that in mind with you husband. Also work on you self image. Prayers.

Boy you’re right on that one.Damned if she does and damned if she don’t. If I had some hubby do the same thing to me, I’d probably get so mad i’d hit him with a frying pan upside his head. Or tell him in plain english which isn’t printable that if I’m so godawful then get a divorce , or are you too cheap to pay for one you losey sob.
Have you suggested marriage counseling to him? Do you have any relatives on either saide who he might actually listen to? To tell him he better ease up or else?
Telling secrets about your past to others just shows me he can’t be trusted.What an awful thing to do. How would he like it if you blabbed his secrets all over the place?
If putting on a little makeup makes you feel better then do so. Wish I could give him a kick in the pants for you. Glad I’m an old maid and don’t have to put up with such garbage.By the way do you have kids and how does he treat them? does he belittle them too?

 

[Luvz2travel]

Boy you’re right on that one.Damned if she does and damned if she don’t. If I had some hubby do the same thing to me, I’d probably get so mad i’d hit him with a frying pan upside his head. Or tell him in plain english which isn’t printable that if I’m so godawful then get a divorce , or are you too cheap to pay for one you losey sob.
Have you suggested marriage counseling to him? Do you have any relatives on either saide who he might actually listen to? To tell him he better ease up or else?
Telling secrets about your past to others just shows me he can’t be trusted.What an awful thing to do. How would he like it if you blabbed his secrets all over the place?
If putting on a little makeup makes you feel better then do so. Wish I could give him a kick in the pants for you. Glad I’m an old maid and don’t have to put up with such garbage.By the way do you have kids and how does he treat them? does he belittle them too?

I dated a few guys like this one of which was a complete angel till he realized as easy going as I am I wasn’t going to be controlled he turned violent and I ended things. I’d rather be single then in misery.