Want a Divorce but I am Catholic

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steph410

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what do you do when you are a faithful Catholic but you pretty much hate your husband?
especially if you have lots of kids and don’t want to break up their family?

There are some days when I can put up with him, but most of the time he acts just like his mother (who I hate and is a mean spirited, vindictive and manipulative controlling person).

If I don’t do what he wants, he gives me ultimatums such as: “if you apologize to everyone in the family for getting mad about XYZ, then I will talk to you”

he will hang up on me or evade my phone calls all day long, if there is something we are having a conflict about. and he has done this for years, I don’t think I can take it anymore actually.

he is not a real man because he does not take good care of me as his wife. He is selfish and basically is focused on his hobby of long distance running and leaves me to fend for myself. I am essentially single, but “technically” still married to him. most of the time I feel like a single mom. and certainly as a person, I am not cherished, loved, or treated like I matter.
 
Get counseling. Individually and as a couple.

Hate is a pretty strong word. You need assitance beyond what we can give here.

NOt sure what you are looking for? Permission to leave? We cannot give that. Go talk to your pastor, who knows you and your situation.
 
1ke said:
Get counseling. Individually and as a couple.

Hate is a pretty strong word. You need assitance beyond what we can give here.

NOt sure what you are looking for? Permission to leave? We cannot give that. Go talk to your pastor, who knows you and your situation.
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Good advice, this.
 
I don’t have time to go to counselling individually and as a couple.
I have five children under the age of 7, one of whom is 3 months old and still nursing.

what is this emphasis on counselling? I have heard so many times that it does not “work”.

I don’t know what I am looking for and I already said I would not want to break up my family.

ETA: counselling would be for couples that still love one another and at this point I don’t really feel like I do. I’m not motivated to go.

my priest was pretty unhelpful. he gave me the business card of a counselor (who is not in our insurance network) and told me to amp up the prayer.
 
steph410 said:
I don’t know what I am looking for and I already said I would not want to break up my family.
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Maybe read a book or get advice about setting and maintaining boundaries.

"If I don’t do what he wants, he gives me ultimatums such as: “if you apologize to everyone in the family for getting mad about XYZ, then I will talk to you” is not healthy behavior and shouldn’t be tolerated. Find and set boundaries for how he treats you.

Seriously, God does not expect you to just sit back and take it. What example will it set for your kids? Your sons could act like that and your daughters could marry someone who treats them the same way.
 
Living in a toxic marriage takes up WAY more time than going to counseling. Divorce takes up even more time and resources than counseling. If you have many young children, I understand the difficulty of carving out time to go but look ahead in a few years when those kids are teenagers. Imagine the issues and problems they will have from growing up in a home with warring parents. Imagine the time and money devoted to each of their counseling sessions. I get that you don’t WANT to go to counseling, but IMO you have a duty to do so–a duty to God, a duty to the marriage vows you made, a duty to your husband, a duty to yourself and a duty to the children you have brought into this world and have required to live in this environment.

Living emotionally and spiritually separate lives under the same roof is a divorce in all but the legal sense. You are raising your kids in a broken home–but with God’s grace you can fix it. Counseling will help you to learn to communicate with each other in a respectful manner. At the very least, clean up your own side of the street first through individual counseling and prayer.
 
retrouvaille.org/

I’m sorry he is unloving to you. Maybe Retrouvaille would help him see you and your marriage in a different way.

May you feel God’s peace today. I am praying for you.
 
steph410 said:
I don’t have time to go to counselling individually and as a couple.
I have five children under the age of 7, one of whom is 3 months old and still nursing.

what is this emphasis on counselling? I have heard so many times that it does not “work”.

I don’t know what I am looking for and I already said I would not want to break up my family.

ETA: counselling would be for couples that still love one another and at this point I don’t really feel like I do. I’m not motivated to go.

my priest was pretty unhelpful. he gave me the business card of a counselor (who is not in our insurance network) and told me to amp up the prayer.
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This is perplexing. I humbly ask you, what options are you leaving yourself? You have decided that you do not love him, that you do not have time for counseling, and that you don’t want to break up the family. It seems to me that these all of your options, instantly ruled out.

Love is a choice, and it is a labor. You will get out what you put in to counseling. If you go into this with the attitude of “I don’t love him, I don’t want it to work, and I don’t want it to end,” then you’re utterly out of luck. I am sure that your cynicism comes from years of being unhappy and feeling alone, but you must also remember that you are part of a pair and you are still responsible for your feelings and your participation. My heart and prayers go out to you!! :console:
 
Try the Pastoral Solutions Institute. They are Catholic counselors who do phone counseling, so you can just do it from home without having to go anywhere or find a babysitter for the kids. They also do marriage counseling with just one spouse if the other spouse won’t go to counseling. I have been talking to them about problems in my own marriage and they’ve been very helpful.

exceptionalmarriages.com/
 
steph410 said:
I don’t have time to go to counselling individually and as a couple.
I have five children under the age of 7, one of whom is 3 months old and still nursing.

what is this emphasis on counselling? I have heard so many times that it does not “work”.

I don’t know what I am looking for and I already said I would not want to break up my family.

ETA: counselling would be for couples that still love one another and at this point I don’t really feel like I do. I’m not motivated to go.

my priest was pretty unhelpful. he gave me the business card of a counselor (who is not in our insurance network) and told me to amp up the prayer.
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How do you know it doesn’t work if you do not try? If you do not have time that is an excuse and I agree with the previous post. “Hate” is a strong word. If you believe God will help you in your situation then God will make a way for you. Where is your faith? I ask that for you to answer not to answer me. The marriage comes first. Without the marriage there is no family. At least not the way God intended. You do have a vow to your marriage. And if you do not try then you will have to answer for that as well as your husband for neglecting you and the family. Prayer is wonderful but sometimes it takes the actual “working through” to get things done. God will help you if you let him. Pray for your Priest but seek another one. Explain your situation and see what he says. I believe y’all can work things out and I pray that y’all do. God Bless! PS in case you wonder where I am coming from, I have been there and had to take my child and leave. My marriage almost ended But I never gave up on my wife. Do not give up on your husband or your family.
 
Three points.
  1. Love is simply “willing the good of the other, as other” - it is an act of the will, it is not a feeling. Jesus calls us to love everyone, if we don’t we risk everlasting Hellfire. My advice - Repent. Go to confession. Love your husband. Repeat.
  2. The Church believes Christ when He said “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9). You will be married to your husband until death do you part. However, Mother Church allows a couple to live separately if the situation is truly abusive. Further, the Church allows civil divorce for financial and legal reasons, as long as you recognize that, in the eyes of God, you are still married to your husband. You cannot remarry, this would be adultery and, as such, would be gravely immoral.
  3. Speak to a Priest.
 
I feel for you and can understand your situation, but (as far as I know) that is not an acceptable grounds for divorce in the church. As far as your desire to not break up the family: that is exactly what happens when you divorce, so I don’t know why you’re even talking about divorce in the first place. We can’t simply give you permission to leave.

I understand that your question is as follows:
  • I don’t want to break up my family.
  • But I hate/don’t love my husband.
  • I don’t have time for counseling. (Really? But I’ll get to that)
  • So what can I do?
From what I understand, you don’t have sufficient grounds for a divorce–and even if you did, you still wouldn’t be allowed to remarry. And if you aren’t willing to even try counseling, then the first problem is a lack of commitment to the marriage. We won’t (or at least I won’t) offer a rationalization for a divorce.
 
As 1ke said, get counseling.

You have major communication problems in the marriage. Some couples can stop the train wreck by taking a deep breath, putting their egos aside, and making the effort to work things out. If you and you husband can’t do that, you both need counseling.

It should be remembered that divorce often isn’t the solution. Some people think they can dump one person, go on to the next, and everyone can be fine. Problems typically don’t happen in a vacuum. If you can’t solve the problems in one relationship, chances are those same exact problems will occur in the next relationship.
 
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