Want to be fair with husband

[babygirl6152]

My heart is in pain today. But I’m sure any other woman would just put on a happy face and go on.
Background I have been on an anti anxiety med change(s)for the past two months with my doctors. I have severe sciatica and there is mixture anti anxiety med/ pain reliever-non narcotic we tried switch to…I had been on my med 15 years so we weaned off… Long story didn’t work, changed again, etc. Etc. This past week I was starting to feel back to normal.
I take seriously that we should use our time, talent, treasures for Christ. My husband gives a nice weekly check to our parish. He does graphic work when needed for KC at our parish. Flyers, etc.
I was preschool teacher at our parish until my sciatica got so bad, severe bronchitis that year, then got shingles, so I quit to become full time housewife. I use all my efforts to bring joy to my family and serve, in my opinion.
I started praying about what I am giving back to Christ in talent and remembered I love to make the little notes, trinkets you send to cursillos, walk to Emmaus (a weekend retreat attended to help us learn how to live Christian life to it’s fullest!) and I found my old friend who is very involved and asked if I could send them through her. I know the cursillo is for
Catholics. Walk to Emmaus is Mainly Protestant, but some Catholics attend especially here in the bible belt, where there are not too many Catholic cursillos) I looked all around the net to find addresses to send the crafts and couldn’t find any, this was even before I talked to my Protestant friend…
The kicker: my husband spent the rare evening out with son, movie and dinner, came home all happy and I was all excited and I told him I’d found my friend and had decided to help serve Christ this way,
He started yelling, over and over “for Protestants? Isn’t that for Protestants” I couldn’t believe he was so upset with me, I had been so excited, I tried to explain and like a crazy person he kept yelling? He is btw convert raised and baptized Protestant. Now a staunch Catholic has this pride thing and he knows it, he says he’s even talked to our priest about his arrogance concerning Protestants,
Now when we fuss I get frustrated because he is an orator the likes of an attorney and I can hold my own then get frustrated and cry. He always sees me cry and immediately starts yelling, how is this my fault? I feel bullied and shut myself in my room for a Time out, at that point he usually, not always, goes for his own time out. He says later when we
are calm, we finally discuss calmly, he says the tears feel to him like I blame him so he starts to defend.
This is our way we discuss things when we disagree, which is VERY seldom, maybe once a year. Earlier in the beginning of marriage, 9 years, second marriage, yes
in Catholic Church.
I ask him when I realize this pattern with the middle part things being so painful, why don’t we just cut that middle part out, and just take time away then come to discuss. He always apologizes and we go on

Ok this is the next day, and my anxiety level/depressionl is back to terrible and he thinks I am asleep. I don’t want to see him. The sight of him will make me ill.
I can fake it I guess. I don’t want anyone to think I’m considering divorce, that’s silly, we will get back to normal, but do I tell him how I’m depressed again? He may start yelling at me? I asked for counseling last time this happened, he said we will work it out without a priest. Am I silly? Are women supposed to feel wonderful and with a new beginning the day after this kind of fussing? Right now I hate him.

 

[Bklynguy]

My heart is in pain today. But I’m sure any other woman would just put on a happy face and go on.
Background I have been on an anti anxiety med change(s)for the past two months with my doctors. I have severe sciatica and there is mixture anti anxiety med/ pain reliever-non narcotic we tried switch to…I had been on my med 15 years so we weaned off… Long story didn’t work, changed again, etc. Etc. This past week I was starting to feel back to normal.
I take seriously that we should use our time, talent, treasures for Christ. My husband gives a nice weekly check to our parish. He does graphic work when needed for KC at our parish. Flyers, etc.
I was preschool teacher at our parish until my sciatica got so bad, severe bronchitis that year, then got shingles, so I quit to become full time housewife. I use all my efforts to bring joy to my family and serve, in my opinion.
I started praying about what I am giving back to Christ in talent and remembered I love to make the little notes, trinkets you send to cursillos, walk to Emmaus (a weekend retreat attended to help us learn how to live Christian life to it’s fullest!) and I found my old friend who is very involved and asked if I could send them through her. I know the cursillo is for
Catholics. Walk to Emmaus is Mainly Protestant, but some Catholics attend especially here in the bible belt, where there are not too many Catholic cursillos) I looked all around the net to find addresses to send the crafts and couldn’t find any, this was even before I talked to my Protestant friend…
The kicker: my husband spent the rare evening out with son, movie and dinner, came home all happy and I was all excited and I told him I’d found my friend and had decided to help serve Christ this way,
He started yelling, over and over “for Protestants? Isn’t that for Protestants” I couldn’t believe he was so upset with me, I had been so excited, I tried to explain and like a crazy person he kept yelling? He is btw convert raised and baptized Protestant. Now a staunch Catholic has this pride thing and he knows it, he says he’s even talked to our priest about his arrogance concerning Protestants,
Now when we fuss I get frustrated because he is an orator the likes of an attorney and I can hold my own then get frustrated and cry. He always sees me cry and immediately starts yelling, how is this my fault? I feel bullied and shut myself in my room for a Time out, at that point he usually, not always, goes for his own time out. He says later when we
are calm, we finally discuss calmly, he says the tears feel to him like I blame him so he starts to defend.
This is our way we discuss things when we disagree, which is VERY seldom, maybe once a year. Earlier in the beginning of marriage, 9 years, second marriage, yes
in Catholic Church.
I ask him when I realize this pattern with the middle part things being so painful, why don’t we just cut that middle part out, and just take time away then come to discuss. He always apologizes and we go on

Ok this is the next day, and my anxiety level/depressionl is back to terrible and he thinks I am asleep. I don’t want to see him. The sight of him will make me ill.
I can fake it I guess. I don’t want anyone to think I’m considering divorce, that’s silly, we will get back to normal, but do I tell him how I’m depressed again? He may start yelling at me? I asked for counseling last time this happened, he said we will work it out without a priest. Am I silly? Are women supposed to feel wonderful and with a new beginning the day after this kind of fussing? Right now I hate him.

I’ll pray for you and your family. Have you been tested for major depression? I don’t think it is unreasonable to do missionary work with protestants. My wife is a protestant and we have given money to her church as well as mine. Our child is baptized Catholic, as will the one who is on the way. I wouldn’t become a member of her church, but that doesn’t mean that Catholics and non-Catholics cannot work on worthy goals together–just look at the pro-life movement.

I sometimes see Catholic converts as more vigilant as cradle Catholics. Sometimes it is because cradle Catholics take their faith for granted and converts had to actually choose to convert. Other times, converts can (yes I’m going to say it), be a little arrogant (like former smokers who quit and are now vigilantly anti-smoker).

Without me knowing the complete background, it sounds as though you may be more depressed and need more help than just anti-anxiety meds. Do you see a pyschiatrist on a regular basis?

Also, it does sound–and I am not getting both sides of the story here–that your husband is not being very nice to you. To scream at you when you didn’t really do anything wrong is a little much. Does he perhaps have anger issues? Does this happen all the time in other areas?

 

[babygirl6152]

No I have never been tested for major depression, but I have considered it. I can imagine the psychiatrist saying, Get out and do something,
Well that’s kinda hard when I’m on pain medication for sciatica and am not allowed to drive. That’s why we tried the other meds, so I could cut down on the narcotics. I’m not abusing, just take 2-3 times a day.
Yes he has even mentioned knowing he is arrogant about Protestants.
In the end he finally said, if it makes you happy and you’re making these crafts for Hindus that’s all that matters. THATS what I felt in the beginning…

I’m 50, I exercise in the home very day with my stationary cycle. I really don’t get out much unless I go with someone else driving. I devote my life to him and making his every waking moment happy. Yes he is bullying me. He also does it by contradicting almost everything me and my son say. He said his dad did this and he hated in and never wanted to do this with his family, and now realizes he does. He has really worked on that this past year. I think it’s mostly a control issue,
But the whole tears make me defensive thing… I don’t understand
Maybe I’ll just tell him I have a headache for the next week.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Men can get defensive if we cry too much. It is actually childish to resort to crying every time we have a “fuss” (good word BTW) with our husbands…I saw myself using my tears as a last weapon so my husband couldn’t go on arguing with me…It is immature in many ways, but usually women are encouraged to go to pieces instead of keeping our wits about us and standing firm.

Your husband sounds like a good man. He knows he has faults and is trying to improve. Pray for him.

 

[Bklynguy]

No I have never been tested for major depression, but I have considered it. I can imagine the psychiatrist saying, Get out and do something,
Well that’s kinda hard when I’m on pain medication for sciatica and am not allowed to drive.

You might want to consider this–I don’t think the psychiatrist would just say, “Get out and do something.”

Yes he has even mentioned knowing he is arrogant about Protestants.
In the end he finally said, if it makes you happy and you’re making these crafts for Hindus that’s all that matters. THATS what I felt in the beginning…

and

Yes he is bullying me. He also does it by contradicting almost everything me and my son say. He said his dad did this and he hated in and never wanted to do this with his family, and now realizes he does. He has really worked on that this past year. I think it’s mostly a control issue

So, he bullies you and yells at you a lot, but at the same token, he said that if it makes you happy, you should make the crafts for the Hindus. Sometimes bullies back down if you yell and scream back at them. Have you ever tried this? He may stop, or do it less, if he knows it is going to get thrown back at him.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

He started yelling, over and over “for Protestants? Isn’t that for Protestants” I couldn’t believe he was so upset with me, I had been so excited, I tried to explain and like a crazy person he kept yelling? He is btw convert raised and baptized Protestant. Now a staunch Catholic has this pride thing and he knows it, he says he’s even talked to our priest about his arrogance concerning Protestants,
Now when we fuss I get frustrated because he is an orator the likes of an attorney and I can hold my own then get frustrated and cry. He always sees me cry and immediately starts yelling, how is this my fault? I feel bullied and shut myself in my room for a Time out, at that point he usually, not always, goes for his own time out. He says later when we
are calm, we finally discuss calmly, he says the tears feel to him like I blame him so he starts to defend.

1. You’ve been on anti-anxiety meds for 15 years, and you’ve never been evaluated for drepression. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your doctor about that ASAP.
2. You’re husband sounds like a classic bully from where I’m sitting. Yells at you when you start crying when he knows you have anxiety issues? Really? Both of you need counseling, deperately. Like, today.

You also need to learn to stand up for yourself. A counselor also can help you with that.

Luna

 

[babygirl6152]

Thanks for your prayers. I forced myself to have a follow up talk this afternoon. Sort of the like the momma who forces her kids to “Sorry-Sorry”
I have seen women btw use tears as manipulation tools. I think it is a sign of weakness and actually wish I didn’t do it. Most of it this time was the med changes and like I said frustration that he would not listen as he yelled.
Your prayers actually led the Holy Spirit to work on me of course, and I remembered what I always tell couples…What did you learn from this challenge?
That is why I forced myself not to give into the whole hate thing, which the evil one would have loved. Pop was rearing and ready to discuss it all again today.

REALLY
Again thanks for keeping me grounded. I appreciate Catholic loving support.

Happy St Patrick’s (MY DAY)

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

I’m sorry you are feeling bad. I hope you can start feeling better soon.

As you point out, part of your feeling bad is result of the way your husband speaks to you, and another part of your feeling bad is the result of other physical and psychological things that are going on inside of you and would be factors even if your husband was not in your life.

Now about the husband part.

Fact: You married an imperfect man.
Fact. Your husband married an imperfect woman.
Fact: No matter who you would have married, he would have been an imperfect man.

Let me put it this way. I wish your husband were more considerate of your feelings. But he isn’t. And he’s never going to change. He’s a grown man. He is who he is. No one forced you to marry him. He’s got good points, as you surely know, but he’s got bad points too.

The only realistic solution I can see if for you to stop bring up to him topics that you can anticipate will upset him. Just stop it. Don’t view him as your best friend with whom you can discuss ANYTHING. That’s not what he is to you. He will never be that to you. Yet, he can still be a decent husband to you and a decent father to your son. Be grateful for that.

Most women have a woman friend who is the person to whom they can tell ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.

I am not arguing that you just accept that you will feel bad for the rest of your life. No way! I’m just saying that we all must accept that other people do not change because we want them to or wish for them to. Generally, people never change at all. Just think how hard it is for YOU to get YOURSELF to change your habits.

All the expert seem to say that in cases like yours the think for you to do is to focus on improving your mental health, your attitude, your outlook, your habits, your skills, and stop blaming your husband for your unhappiness. Don’t depend on your husband for your happiness. I think Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura would say that.

My little homily isn’t going to solve anything. You will have to seek out others to talk this over with, or web sites, or counselors, or psychiatrists, or smart friends. Priest will generally be a waste of time with stuff like this. They are not counselors. That’s just my experience.

 

[chevalier]

He needs to manage his anger. If he has anger management issues, he needs to deal with them. There is counselling for that, not something big like for a serious personality issue (so he shouldn’t feel like he’s “seeing the shrink”) but proportional to the problem.

And yes, men can feel awful when they see women cry. Things can go awry if they think it’s exaggerated or if they think it’s not entirely genuine. Basically, to see your woman crying feels like being accused. And if you’re being accused of being mean to a woman (serious stuff to be accused of for a man) and you don’t even know what exactly this is about, some men will fail to live up to the challenge and they won’t be able to think straight and act straight. However, the yelling about Protestants wasn’t a reaction to crying, it was before you cried, wasn’t it? At any rate, he needs to stop using his strength, imposing posture, strong male voice etc. as an argument in discussions with you. Strength is not an argument. He needs to expound his points without resorting to intimidation. I’d say be ready to talk to him and allow him to speak and be heard, without showing too strong emotional reactions (so that he doesn’t feel accused/threatened etc.) but let him know that yelling and bullying is not acceptable. That just because it’s not deliberate doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need to change.

Get enough of appropriate help for your anxiety and any other issues. From my own life I need that arguments with people who are important in your life can be very painful when anxiety or a similar problem (e.g. low self-esteem, uncertainty, depression) is already making life hard on you.

 

[Bklynguy]

1. You’ve been on anti-anxiety meds for 15 years, and you’ve never been evaluated for drepression. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your doctor about that ASAP.

I agree wholeheartedly on this point and it is worth reiterating.

 

[novelista]

A therapist will never say “get up and do something.” they will help you find a way to move forward in your life, or help you figure out ways to reframe your thinking.

Some cities have transportation to take people to dr appts and stuff. Since you don’t drive, perhaps you could look into one of these services. Or maybe hire someone to driv e you places. Ask around at church. I’m sure someone could help you.

 

[Mummsie]

First, we have a little miracle here. I’m going into my last day at my Cursillo and just finished opening all my letters with neat little prayer cards and some lovely trinkets. Problably not from you; but, Bless you for doing this. It has been an unbelievable experience to receive all of this from total strangers. So, I will say thank you for your kindness and thoughtfullness.

Have you and your husband made your Cursillo weekend? If so, are you meeting with your 4th day groups? I can’t wait for that part to begin.

It sounds like your husbands anger was at the Protestants, you were collateral damage. Have you ever just gotten up and left the room when he’s raging? It’s one option. By changing the process a little, you may be able to get to the discussion phase sooner. Maybe during calmer times you can discuss the whole situation and make a plan for how you will act the next time his anger explodes.

My prayers are with and another BIG THANK YOU for the special efforts you make for the Cursillo candidates.

God Bless You.

 

[babygirl6152]

DeColores my friend,
No I never went to big group meetings, only one in my neighborhood and some church ones. My husband is not one to be moved emotionally in any way dealing with religion.
Private message me and really keep in touch if there is a way we can do agape/palanca for your area.
The more my husband and I got to discussing this through the weekend, we considered the Kairos prison ministry. Now there’s some folks that need encouragement.
I was on a high when I started 4th days.
Don’t let the real world bring you down,

 

[babygirl6152]

Ok I can answer on my ownpost but when I try to comment on another post it says I am blocked? I read the forum rules and don’t know what I did wrong?

Why is there a check next ro my post

I feel like anding dong