Want to do something nice for someone

[joshrp]

Hi,

There is someone here at the university whom I like. I want to do something nice for her to just show my appreciation for her friendship, but I don’t want her to feel like she is obligated or expected to give something in return. I’ve always been afraid to do something special for other people, especially women, being afraid that they would think I am trying to get something back from them. I just want to do something nice for her. I don’t know what would be appropriate. She seems kind of shy, especially with young men, and I get the feeling that she might be uncomfortable receiving special attention from anyone, and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Do you have any suggestions or advice?

God bless you all!
Joshua

 

[ThereWasADream]

I’m not sure it’s possible to avoid making some people feel obligated to do something nice in return. I knew a girl who dated someone for a long time simply because she felt too bad to dump the guy because he kept giving her things. Some girls are like that.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do something nice for someone. I’m going to give you a word of caution first, though. I get the sense there is some level of infatuation, here. In my experience, I was able to hide my infatuation for girls even from myself, just so I could get the pleasure of being nice to them and pass it off as “I just really like her as a friend.” She may interpret whatever gesture you do differently than you intend.

My advice is…keep it small. Something you might actually do for a guy friend, like, pick up the tab if you had a lunch get-together. Others might have better ideas than me, though, as going out to lunch with girls I’m not dating is pretty typical for me.

 

[StarSapphire]

Generally if she’s not in to you then gestures of affection, however well intentioned, will make her feel uncomfortable. I would just make sure she knows you’re a good friend - buy her coffees Coffees are the ultimate friend gift. Light hearted, deeply appreciated and the accompanying chat shows you really care (and us girls can chat, believe me).

If however, you do actually like her but want to be friends first, then even then - coffees. Then you can get to know her better and gauge her feelings. And ask her in a very casual way, say after a lecture or something - “Gosh, I’m knackered, I could do with a coffee, can I get you one,” you know, casual-like. Then she won’t think you mean anything more.

It does work, I have quite a few male friends I’ve never even thought about relationships with, I even helped one prepare for his wedding. Generally girls are just people too, we can be just friends with males and females

 

[TimothyH]

Spend an hour or two in front of the Blessed Sacrament, adoring Jesus, and pray for her soul and that God grants her prayers if it be His will. Offer a rosary for her while you are there.

Then send her a card stating that you made a holy hour for her intentions.

Some perpetual adoration chapels have cards available for just this purpose and church gift shops sell them sometimes. Or you can look at some of the cards at http://faithfulexpressions.com/HolyHourOfferingCard.html and if you are handy with the computer and some graphics, you can make your own card.

And if she does want to return the favor, then you get prayers too.

-Tim-

 

[pollycarp]

Spend an hour or two in front of the Blessed Sacrament, adoring Jesus, and pray for her soul and that God grants her prayers if it be His will. Offer a rosary for her while you are there.

Then send her a card stating that you made a holy hour for her intentions.

Some perpetual adoration chapels have cards available for just this purpose and church gift shops sell them sometimes. Or you can look at some of the cards at http://faithfulexpressions.com/HolyHourOfferingCard.html and if you are handy with the computer and some graphics, you can make your own card.

And if she does want to return the favor, then you get prayers too.

-Tim-

These are wonderful. (Is she Catholic?)

As a shy person, I don’t think a shy friend would be uncomfortable with some special attention … coffee, lunch, she might even need it. imho.

 

[joshrp]

I don’t know if it is infatuation. I mainly thought of wanting to do something to cheer her up, because she seems sad a lot of the time. I prayed for her a lot recently. She just seems really sad. Often I will ask her if she is ok and she will say she is tired, but I get the sense that she is really feeling sad on the inside. At the very least she doesn’t appear to be very happy. She looks like she is suffering sometimes. Maybe this is an assumption on my part, but if she really is feeling that way, I ask God to give her some consolation and peace. She does not look at peace, and I want her to have peace, because she deserves it. She says she is bored all the time. Maybe I am not the one who will help her in any way, but I just want someone to bring her some happiness. I would love to see her happy and joyful, whether I help her to be that way or someone else, or God alone. Could you all at the very least please pray for her? I’d rather you all say a prayer or some for her moreso than give me advice. I was praying for her for some time last night along with many other people. Usually when I pray for someone now, I just ask God to love that person more and more. One of my favorite lines of the Scripture was when Jesus was approached by the rich young man, and it reads “Jesus looked at him, loved him, and said…” I just love how it says Jesus loved him, like it is an action verb. It does not say “Jesus HAD love for him” like love is just some passive presence but it says the he loved him, loved being a willful action of his whole being. He loved him as a single act and THEN he said to him… We can ask God to make an ACT of love for someone, and then do what He wills with them. So please ask God to love this person, whose name is Danielle.

 

[joshrp]

These are wonderful. (Is she Catholic?)

As a shy person, I don’t think a shy friend would be uncomfortable with some special attention … coffee, lunch, she might even need it. imho.

Also, she seems to be afraid of making friends. As far as I can tell, her and her sister drive to school in the morning, go to classes, and when she is not in class she comes to the Catholic center and just uses the computer. When their classes are done, they go home. I don’t even know if she talks to anyone outside of class, and who just happens to be outside of the Catholic Center. And she never seems to initiate conversation with anyone. The only time I can remember her entering conversation with anyone is when the other people engage her first. She just seems very uncomfortable with people in general.

But she is very talented though. She is very artistic,and is an art major, and she also plays the piano.

I wouldn’t have posted this if I didn’t get the sense that she just isn’t feeling well inside. I asked her today “How is life going?” and she said “It’s kind of tough.” with a deep sigh.

 

[pollycarp]

Also, she seems to be afraid of making friends. As far as I can tell, her and her sister drive to school in the morning, go to classes, and when she is not in class she comes to the Catholic center and just uses the computer. When their classes are done, they go home. I don’t even know if she talks to anyone outside of class, and who just happens to be outside of the Catholic Center. And she never seems to initiate conversation with anyone. The only time I can remember her entering conversation with anyone is when the other people engage her first. She just seems very uncomfortable with people in general.

But she is very talented though. She is very artistic,and is an art major, and she also plays the piano.

I wouldn’t have posted this if I didn’t get the sense that she just isn’t feeling well inside. I asked her today “How is life going?” and she said “It’s kind of tough.” with a deep sigh.

She may be uncomfortable around people, but I don’t think anyone is afraid of making a good, true friend, and you sound like one. She sounds depressed. Why is life “kind of tough?” Will say a prayer.

 

[joshrp]

She may be uncomfortable around people, but I don’t think anyone is afraid of making a good, true friend, and you sound like one. She sounds depressed. Why is life “kind of tough?” Will say a prayer.

I’ve thought about asking her if she is sad, or shy or something, but I don’t want to make her feel worse or self-conscious or something. Sometimes I think maybe I just leave her be, but she just looks so sad sometimes. And then I worry that maybe I can’t really do much of anything to help her anyways. Maybe I am not capable of doing anything for her, but I don’t want her to feel sad if that is what she is feeling right now. I will say in addition that she looks lonely. I will admit that I have had thoughts that I would be the one to rescue her from loneliness but that is not what I want for her. What she needs is a community, if she is feeling lonely. You cannot overcome feelings of extreme loneliness without a loving community. One has to feel like they are loved even by people outside their family, and I’d say that she has a very wonderful family from what I hear of them. But I get a sense that she possibly does not have a sense of community and is afraid of making a friend because she does not want to feel isolated with one person. I am not a psychology professional, but this is just a hypothesis I have, and it is not something that I would confine to just her case. I see it with many people, and it just seemed to come into focus today as I was talking to her today. For a long time, I was so focused on my own loneliness and sadness that I did not really make it a priority to have compassion on others more than myself.

It was really only this past weekend when I went to confession on Saturday that something the priest said just really reoriented me towards basing all of my actions on the criteria of pure love. I’ve heard it said many times, but hearing it from the priest acting in the person of Jesus just made it all come together. All the theology, spirituality, saints writings, papal teaching, Scripture, tradition that I have ever studied just seemed to finally wind itself around the focal point of love as a real principle of all my action. At least it just became clear to myself “Joshua, this is your number one priority. Don’t get distracted by anything that lessens the purity of love in what you do.”