Want to get married, but don't want children

[Diamond93]

Because a thread is like a weird party an original poster throws and invites a bunch of strangers. You are our hostess but you’re not the only one here.

OK, but seriously if I’m such a rotten person then why even bother engaging with me? According to many people on here, I’m “selfish” for having the feelings I have and “judgmental” for actually caring that people are not following God’s laws and not just blowing them off or pooh-poohing them like they’re no big deal. So why are you and others still at this party since apparently I’m such a terrible, selfish, judgmental hostess?

 

[Psalm30]

and “judgmental” for actually caring that people are not following God’s laws and not just blowing them off or pooh-poohing them like they’re no big deal.

Well, Jesus did admonish the Pharisees for their attitude toward tax collectors, which was much like your attitude toward the women who are having children out of wedlock. Just something to think about.

 

[Psalm30]

I already apologized for that comment I made earlier. If I’m that terrible…

When you are married, your husband may want to further discuss something that hurt his feelings, even after you apologize. Being able to resolve conflict without getting sarcastic or defensive, or making yourself out to be the injured party by exaggerating what the other person said as calling you “terrible” (which no one actually said) is very important in a marriage, with or without children.

 

[Diamond93]

When you are married, your husband may want to further discuss something that hurt his feelings, even after you apologize. Being able to resolve conflict without getting sarcastic or defensive, or making yourself out to be the injured party by exaggerating what the other person said as calling you “terrible” (which no one actually said) is very important in a marriage, with or without children.

Well what more am I supposed to do? I already apologized for what I said. What more can I do?

And nobody’s straight out called me terrible. But people have accused me of being selfish and judgmental, which is implying that I’m terrible.

 

[Psalm30]

Well what more am I supposed to do? I already apologized for what I said. What more can I do?

You allow the hurt person to continue to discuss why they were hurt and how you can improve your behavior in the future. Then you take what they say to heart and try to do something differently from there on out. You don’t shut down the conversation by accusing them of calling you terrible and asking why they want to continue talking to you if you’re such a horrible person.

This kind of response from you is why many of us are saying you’re not ready for marriage. Those of us who have been there (and are there) know that if you are arguing with your spouse the same way you’re arguing with us, you aren’t going to fare very well in a romantic relationship.

And nobody’s straight out called me terrible. But people have accused me of being selfish and judgmental, which is implying that I’m terrible.

No, it doesn’t imply you are terrible. It is constructive criticism. It is challenging you to think about aspects of yourself that could be improved. No one is perfect. You, like all of us, have good qualities and bad qualities. It’s a virtue to be able to look at the bad as well as the good, and accept guidance from wise, experienced people. Your responses on this thread imply you are not quite able to do that, and this is something you need to work on before you’re ready for marriage.

 

[Diamond93]

You allow the hurt person to continue to discuss why they were hurt and how you can improve your behavior in the future. Then you take what they say to heart and try to do something differently from there on out. You don’t shut down the conversation by accusing them of calling you terrible and asking why they want to continue talking to you if you’re such a horrible person.

OK.

This kind of response from you is why many of us are saying you’re not ready for marriage. Those of us who have been there (and are there) know that if you are arguing with your spouse the same way you’re arguing with us, you aren’t going to fare very well in a romantic relationship.

But as someone pointed out earlier, isn’t everyone more selfish before getting married than afterwards? People don’t have to be totally selfless in order to get married. It’s something you learn in the process.

No, it doesn’t imply you are terrible. It is constructive criticism. It is challenging you to think about aspects of yourself that could be improved. No one is perfect. You, like all of us, have good qualities and bad qualities. It’s a virtue to be able to look at the bad as well as the good, and accept guidance from wise, experienced people. Your responses on this thread imply you are not quite able to do that, and this is something you need to work on before you’re ready for marriage.

I admit that I have a lot to work on as you all have pointed out. But I reacted to stuff on here the way I have because I’m trying to defend myself. I don’t just do things to do things or feel certain ways for no reason. And I was just trying to explain them and defend myself.

But at this point I’m done trying to justify myself. I don’t need to pour every last bit of my heart out on here and explain the even more reasons why I think what I think that I haven’t even gone into. It’d take too long and people on here are just going to try to disprove me more, and I’m tired of arguing.

 

[Psalm30]

But at this point I’m done trying to justify myself. I don’t need to pour every last bit of my heart out on here and explain the even more reasons why I think what I think that I haven’t even gone into. It’d take too long and people on here are just going to try to disprove me more, and I’m tired of arguing.

I really do hope you find what you’re looking for. God bless you

 

[AdamP88]

And nobody’s straight out called me terrible. But people have accused me of being selfish and judgmental, which is implying that I’m terrible.

Nobody is implying you’re terrible. But perhaps you should re-examine the reasons why you don’t wan’t kids. And why you have such an attitude to women who have kids out of wedlock. I mean, yeah, it’s a sin to have sex before marriage, but the way you’re going on you’d think the baby was a sin. The baby is a good thing that came from a sinful action. There’s no point being upset with the woman looking after her baby.

It’s unusual for a 24 year old Catholic woman to be so averse to having children. Perhaps there is something that makes you feel this way that you should address?
In any case, there isn’t really any other way around it for marriage in the Catholic Church. You have to be open to life as a married couple. In order to validly marry, you must be open to having children. And to add to that, you also have to deal with your partner’s desires which may differ from your own. Yes, the woman carries the baby, but in Catholic marriage, one spouse can’t unilaterally decide that there will be no kids.

 

[Diamond93]

Nobody is implying you’re terrible. But perhaps you should re-examine the reasons why you don’t wan’t kids. And why you have such an attitude to women who have kids out of wedlock. I mean, yeah, it’s a sin to have sex before marriage, but the way you’re going on you’d think the baby was a sin. The baby is a good thing that came from a sinful action. There’s no point being upset with the woman looking after her baby.

Oh my gosh, if you read my post fully you’ll see that I never blamed the kid for it’s birth circumstances. I’m just tired of women being praised for sinning, and then all these Catholics wonder why the unwed mother epidemic is continuing. And these are the very kids who grow up to be brats often times because their mothers don’t get married to the man, they break up, and then all that’s left is a chaotic single parent household which leaves the kids in moral ruin. And then the rest of us are forced to pick up the pieces for them.

It’s unusual for a 24 year old Catholic woman to be so averse to having children. Perhaps there is something that makes you feel this way that you should address?

I’ve already explained why, and there are even more than what I’ve written here. But I’m not going to write all those out and pour out my heart on here, since I already know what everyone’s going to tell me and I’m tired of arguing about it.

 

[Diamond93]

I’m sorry that what I’ve said has hurt you. I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother and I respect that you’re willing to take on all the sacrifices involved with being a doctor as well. That and being a mother blows my mind. My respect for you is through the roof. Thank you for all that you do.

I think it’s best that I just leave this thread now. I don’t want to hurt anymore feelings, and this is turning out to be unhealthy for me to keep dwelling on this. I’m going to commit myself to prayer and just leave it at that.

I’m sorry to anyone whose feelings I’ve hurt, and hope you can forgive me. Thank you all for the advice. I’ll take it to heart and do my best to surrender to God.

 

[AdamP88]

Oh my gosh, if you read my post fully you’ll see that I never blamed the kid for it’s birth circumstances. I’m just tired of women being praised for sinning

Fair enough. But to be honest I don’t know where you get that women are being praised for sinning?

I’ve already explained why, and there are even more than what I’ve written here. But I’m not going to write all those out and pour out my heart on here, since I already know what everyone’s going to tell me and I’m tired of arguing about it.

Ok. But you’re then left with the option of either not marrying in the Church. Or marrying and not being upfront about your aversion to having children.

 

[Dlee]

Because I am Catholic and I love my faith and God more than anything else in this world, even if I do struggle with the teaching on marriage on being open to children.

As a fairly new Catholic, I struggle with devotion to Mary. So, I pray and ask Christ to show me His mother and I have faith that He will. Perhaps you should also ask Christ to show your His desire for your desired marriage, and help you understand and embrace that children are part of His plan for marriage. I can understand that you don’t have that motherly instinct/desire, but that doesn’t mean is has to stay that way. What is appealing to you know may not last.

 

[Capq]

First, the Catholic church’s ‘rules’ are not rules by men. It isn’t true because the Catholic church teaches it, the Catholic church teaches it because it is true. This is the church Jesus started. God is supposed to decide decisions like having children and how many. I can’t make you want children. I don’t think the church will let you marry within the church and you can’t just marry elsewhere and expect to have a valid marriage. I can tell you - you would feel differently about your own children as compared to other children. I know that would be a big risk for you. I think you are stuck and there isn’t an answer that you want to hear. I’m sorry.

 

[Allegra]

Whoa. First of all… I mean… Wow…

Sorry. But that’s just straight-up mean. Do you have any idea how many wonderful, loving, responsible mothers you are insulting here? Not every single mother is single by choice or from having children out-of-wedlock. And not every women who gets pregnant out-of-wedlock even ends up a single mother. My husband has one really great mother in his family whose first child was concieved prior to their wedding, and another who’s at least a pretty decent mother from all outward appearances who had two children prior to marriage. They eventually straightened out their lives and were married in the Church! And I know several women who are single mothers and work so hard with almost no respite to give their kids the absolute best they can. Were they wise with their romantic lives? No, probably not, but they are devoted, loving mothers and telling them that they are doing a great job with their kids is not praising them for their sin, it’s praising them for what they’ve done right. I have no idea why you are so resentful toward such women but it is unbecoming. If you are closely acquainted with single moms who state that they love and enjoy their children, that’s absolutely a cause for celebration, not criticism. The sin was already committed. If they are raising their children on their own, I assure you there will be ample opportunities for penance. Let them enjoy the beautiful lives God has given them without your resentment.

 

[13pollitos]

Marriages come with all sorts of ugly surprises. Seeking romance is like hunting for mythical creatures. You really won’t ever find that, especially if you are actively living with another grown adult. Honestly, I would take motherhood over marriage any day of the week. It is so much easier dealing with someone I have authority over than it is dealing with someone I must compromise with. And I have a very good husband that makes marriage easier than most women I know have. I strongly encourage you to seek out someone in real life that will help you sort through your anger, resentment, bitterness, and envy so that you can move past the selfishness you are currently allowing to destroy your chances of ever finding any joy in life. I wish you luck.

 

[Diamond93]

I said I wasn’t going to respond any more to this thread, but I’ll just say to look at the last post I wrote. Sums it all up there.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I had considered throwing a bit more encouragement in here for you but also thought you might not be returning to the thread and didn’t want to prolong a thread that really has met its natural ends.

I think you did get your answer eventually, and no one here can or should tell you that you do or do not have a vocation to marry. Also no one here knows the real you.

I,for one, hope you meet a devastatingly handsome catholic cowboy soon.