Want to leave the Church for my fiance

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You cannot let her do that to you. You are the man, that doesn’t mean that you have to force into doing something. You mentioned a great point, I know the Catholic Church is the one true church. Don’t go against what you believe.

Yes if ya do break up, she’s going to cry her eyes out but she will get over that. If you leave the church knowing that the church is the one true church is like turning your back against god.

Pray a lot, start studying the bible theirs a lot of sites out there that can help you to argue against Protestant questions.

Stay in the church in the long run it will be the best decision
 
No marriage should ever begin in this way and I urge you to take a break and reflect on what is going on. You will always be Catholic and that is a fact. You will find that over time this type of situation turns the relationship into bitterness and resentment, that is a promise. God will lead and guide you to the place you need to be, but you will have to distance yourself from this situation and pray very hard to be able to hear His plan for you.
 
coachdennis said:
She is giving you an ultimatum. That is not love…that is manipulation.
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I would like to reiterate this point.

I dated a woman who did similar to what your fiance is doing. When the relationship fell apart (because it will, due to the resentment and anger at being forced to chose) I found myself mediocre in my faith, not really practicing, and generally lost. It took many years and the love of a good woman to bring me back.

I hate to say it, because I am a stranger, and because you probably have very strong feelings for this person; but you need to call it off. If she is trying to force you to abandon your faith then she does not respect you as a spouse should, and I guarantee you that this will cause problems later down the line. This was her decision, to make it an ultimatum, and so now you must both suffer the consequences; but you will suffer less, because you know that it was not your choice, but hers that lead to this situation.

Again, I am sorry that this is the advice I must give, but this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. True love does not make demands, it is sacrifice. Sacrificing your soul though (which is essentially what you’d be doing) is not an option.

Always remember: There is absolutely nothing on this earth more important than your relationship with God, because without that relationship we are nothing, and without it, we are damned.

I will pray for you, that you make the proper decision, and that your pains do not last too long. And I will pray that, with time, you will be strengthened by this.
 
Tietjen said:
Why? Did she make that ultimatum? If she did, then the whole thing is her decision. Let her go and be thankful that she has shown her true colors before the relationship went further.

No you’re not. When you made that promise did she know you were Catholic? If so, then she is rejecting your promise. IOW, in her eyes, because you are Catholic, you’re not good enough to be allowed to keep that promise.

Then tell her to get over it and accept you completely… Catholic and all. If she refuses then the whole situation falls back on her and you shouldn’t feel as though you were the cause of the break-up.

Destroying? How are you destroying her by being Catholic? This situation is ridiculous. You say that you believe that the Catholic Church is the one true Church and yet you sound as though you are seriously considering turning away from it because a girl doesn’t like Catholicism. How stupid is that?! “I know something is true, but I will say it isn’t true in order to have a girl like me.” Give me a break.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh and if I am I apologize. However, I will say this… if you decide to turn your back on the Church that you already know is the true Church, you will never find happiness with this girl and she will never simply be satisfied that you gave up your faith for her. She will continue to insist that you give up or take on other traits that she wants until you wake up one day and have no idea who you are anymore. Rather than go through all that garbage, find yourself a nice Catholic girl to court.
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I agree with this post. You should not have to give up who you are.
 
PatriceA said:
There are so many red flags in your OP. Even if you two were both Catholic, the way you are describing your relationship with this girl sounds very unhealthy. You can’t be the one thing that she looks forward to, that’s not a good foundation for a marriage, that’s being codependent on someone. She needs some professional help, you can’t make her pain your responsibility entirely. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Your relationship sounds one-sided, and any marriage that one partner is solely responsible for the emotional well being of the other spouse is not a healthy marriage. I think both of you could use some spiritual counseling or in your girlfriend’s case, some professional counseling…
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This, especially the bolded part. I know a little about codependency; my wife has a touch of it. She stayed in what I would call an abusive relationship for quite some time and gave this guy all kinds of excuses for the way he treated her and other people. Bottom line is that he was basically a lunatic and it took some really extreme behavior for her to get away from him. I only ever even heard his voice once and that’s when I heard him on the phone with her about a year after they broke up and three months into our relationship. Suffice to say he was NOT PLEASED that she was dating someone else but we were fortunately quite some distance away from him.

Dude ended up becoming such a raving psycho that he drove his own brothers car into a bar. Literally. Why? Because he was mad at the guy who owned the bar. Ended up in jail.

At any rate, my wife is a strong and tough woman but even she got sucked into this guy and fell sorry for him. I know the OP feels for this woman and she’s had some really tough breaks, but there are all kinds of codependency issues going on here and it’s a terrible foundation for a marriage even if they were both strong Catholics.
 
Pedro_1987 said:
My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Breaking up with her is getting very messy. I promised her that I would never leave her, and I’m effectively doing precisely that. This is an amazing girl that means pretty much the world to me. Both her parents are dead, and I was the one thing she looked forward to. She’s extremely sensitive, and it’s tearing me apart seeing her pain.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.
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Being Catholic should not destroy her faith in humanity. The two of you need to decide what is important in your life. She either needs to accept your Catholic faith or let you go.

Breaking up, especially after an engagement, can be difficult. This shouldn’t be personal though.
 
The time to make a promise to never leave her is in your vows on your wedding day. That is when it counts.

Do not throw away your identity simply because you’re worried it will “destroy this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity.” First, if breaking up will destory her faith in humanity, then she has formed a most unhealthy bond with you and cutting it off is actually what will be best for her in the long run. Second, anyone who would give you such an ultimatum is neither poor nor innocent.

If you leave the Church for Pentecostalism, it should be because you are firmly convicted that the Church is in error and Pentecostalism has the truth. Don’t make such a drastic decision because you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings.
 
Pedro_1987 said:
My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Breaking up with her is getting very messy. I promised her that I would never leave her, and I’m effectively doing precisely that. This is an amazing girl that means pretty much the world to me. Both her parents are dead, and I was the one thing she looked forward to. She’s extremely sensitive, and it’s tearing me apart seeing her pain.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.
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From a tee shirt: “My girlfriend says if I go surfing one more time, she’ll leave me. Gosh I’ll miss her.” Seriously though, sometimes we have to face reality. In this case, she is making you choose her before God. She wants you to make an idol of her. Then when kids come along and you feel the obligation to teach them the truth, which God expects, she won’t let you. That won’t work for you. That must be made very clear to her. If she can’t accept that, run very fast. And I know it’s painful. But time heals. And God will help you mature as a true follower. (BTW, I get it when girlfriends want to be more important than surfing. But I also get the tee-shirt. This is one of those things that is part of who we are. If the girlfriend can’t budge an inch on that, time to find a girlfriend who likes me and surfing. But no one should ever be allowed to be more important to us than God.)
 
Pedro_1987 said:
My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Breaking up with her is getting very messy. I promised her that I would never leave her, and I’m effectively doing precisely that. This is an amazing girl that means pretty much the world to me. Both her parents are dead, and I was the one thing she looked forward to. She’s extremely sensitive, and it’s tearing me apart seeing her pain.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.
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First let me start out saying that I left the Catholic Church in my youth for the Pentecostal faith (Assemblies of God). I was a Pentecostal for 18 years and the last 12 of those years I was an Evangelist and a Sunday school teacher. However, after 18 years I returned to the Church in November 1998.
There is a compromise to work out with your fiancée, you can go to the Vigil Saturday Mass and then attend Pentecostal services with your fiancée/wife on Sunday. If she does not agree to this than you need to break it off. Marriage is about giving yourself wholly to your spouse as Christ gave himself to the Church. She has given you an unreasonable ultimatum and this is a foreshadow of what the marriage will be like. Once the romance wares off resentment and problems will set it. This is a certainty just as sparks fly upwards.

Secondly, you need to learn to defend your faith against the prejudice she believes against the Church, you are a witness. The bible say’s we are not to be unequally yoked and that is exactly what you are about to do and it will have serious repercussions in the future. I hope you take this advice to heart.

Peace,
David
 
What the heck did you ever think would happen when you started dating, got serious and got engaged to a Pentecostal woman??? What were you thinking?? Why would you ever propose to someone who is ANTI CATHOLIC? If there were only one man on earth left, and he was Pentecostal, I’d RUN, not walk, away and join a convent! Gee whiz.

:rolleyes:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
What the heck did you ever think would happen when you started dating, got serious and got engaged to a Pentecostal woman??? What were you thinking?? Why would you ever propose to someone who is ANTI CATHOLIC? If there were only one man on earth left, and he was Pentecostal, I’d RUN, not walk, away and join a convent! Gee whiz.

:rolleyes:
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Totally. And if breaking off your engagement will “destroy her faith in humanity” then she has a LOT of other problems you want no part of.

Why did you lead a Petecostal girl down this path when ultimately you knew (come on - you knew!) that your disparate faiths would be a problem? Why would you even take a Petecostal girl on a first date???
 
Pedro_1987 said:
On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.
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And what of children you may be blessed with if you marry her? Will you raise them to be anti-Catholic?
 
If she really loves you, she will accept you for who you are. If she loves, your beliefs should not be an obstacle for her.
 
The_Bucket said:
I know the OP feels for this woman and she’s had some really tough breaks, but there are all kinds of codependency issues going on here and it’s a terrible foundation for a marriage even if they were both strong Catholics.
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OP: I don’t know you. You seem like a nice guy, especially since you are willing to bend over backwards to stay with her. However, it doesn’t matter how much you bend over for her unless she’s willing to look at her behavior and change. It’s not helpful for her or you to allow her to treat you badly.

I learned that if someone is going to leave, then they are going to leave regardless if I want them to or not. It’s not a reflection on me if someone decides to leave me. It’s their choice. Each person in a relationship has the right to be treated well. To even acknowledge that these days is huge, since it always used to be about “me”.

(It was habit to think that there must be something wrong w/me, if he wants to leave. I must not be that great of a person…etc…What can I do to make him like me/want me…believe me, I’ve played that record more than I care to admit)

Relationships aren’t about 1 person, but about both of you. You don’t give up the important things to be with someone. Your beloved doesn’t ask you to give up things like your faith to be w/you. Not if you are convinced that the RCC is the true church. So, will you just lie to your kids when they come along? Come on. Like you said, it’s time to be real.

Don’t stay w/someone because they will be hurt if you leave. She’s a big girl and should be able to put on her big girl panties and deal. That’s life. Life’s tough and hard sometimes. You don’t plan on your spouse getting a stroke or your kid having special needs, but things work out that way sometimes. A lot of times things get harder because you are married, not easier. Do you really want to be w/someone who isn’t strong enough to deal w/it if you left or had serious problems in your marriage?

If she’s give you ultimatums now, then why would you expect that behavior to change in the future? :tsktsk:

Please read and take our comments to heart and pray about your situation.
 
sergei said:
If she really loves you, she will accept you for who you are. If she loves, your beliefs should not be an obstacle for her.
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Why would, or should she trust you to be faithful to her if you can’t be faithful to your God?

I will give you the same advice I gave to a muslim friend of my daughter who’s boyfriend was pressuring her to become christian. If similarity of faith was that important to him in a relationship, he never should have started dating you in the first place. It was cruel and selfish to play with someone’s feelings and lead them into a relationship with the expectation they will change for you. A person’s faith is a fundamental aspect of their identity, it must and can only be truly changed by that individual examining their concience and accepting things for their own reasons. Marriages and relationships of all types fail-- going along to get along guarantees nothing in the future.

It is fair to expose someone you’re with to your beliefs, to educate them in the interest of their salvation but it is completely unreasonable to expect or demand they give up their view and beliefs in God for you. God gave us free will to choose or reject Him, even He does not force us. As I said before, it is a very cruel and selfish thing to do, and it shows a complete lack of respect for a person’s judgement and sincerity.
 
Heres a good idea: Only date (true) Catholics. That way you will never end up in a mess like this!
 
JackieMom said:
Totally. And if breaking off your engagement will “destroy her faith in humanity” then she has a LOT of other problems you want no part of.

Why did you lead a Petecostal girl down this path when ultimately you knew (come on - you knew!) that your disparate faiths would be a problem? Why would you even take a Petecostal girl on a first date???
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To be completely honest, I was in a moment of weakness when I met her. My faith was weak and I wrestling with my own uncertainties of the Catholic faith. I even went to her church several times. But I’ve grown in my faith and know that I want to be Catholic. Unfortunately, from her point of view, it looks like a sudden rejection for no real reason.

As for her other problems, yes, we know of them. Unfortunately, she can’t afford the therapy for them.
 
Pedro_1987 said:
To be completely honest, I was in a moment of weakness when I met her. My faith was weak and I wrestling with my own uncertainties of the Catholic faith. I even went to her church several times. But I’ve grown in my faith and know that I want to be Catholic. Unfortunately, from her point of view, it looks like a sudden rejection for no real reason.

As for her other problems, yes, we know of them. Unfortunately, she can’t afford the therapy for them.
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OK, a “moment” of weakness would maybe include ONE date. NOT getting engaged!! Again, what were you thinking when you asked her to marry you!?! You really have no one to blame for this one but yourself.

I’d refer her to Catholic Charities counseling. They operate on a sliding income scale. Oh, but that’s right, she HATES the Catholic Church so probably wouldn’t accept our counseling either, although you don’t need to be Catholic to receive the benefits.

If she thinks wanting to be Catholic is “no real reason” for the split-up, then you would be in for a world of trouble if you went forward with the relationship. I hope you learn your lesson from this, and you never toy with someone outside our Church again.
 
Please dont do this. You will regret it for the rest of your life. If she really loves you, she will accept your faith.

My husband felt the same way. He has softened, but it was hard for a while. He wanted to take an important part of my life from me. Its not right.

Please, you need to be true to yourself. If you change this, you will have to change other things.

Think hard before you change who you are.
 
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