Want to quit my job and stay at home with my kids

[mommy_k]

I read one time that families need to try and avoid the golden handcuffs in life–such as living very close to thier earnings where it forces both parents to work or struggle.
This is different then working to make ends meet for essentials.

It seems your home is a golden handcuff. Life is full of checks and balances.

 

[ThePCWife]

Don’t you already stay home all day with your children the four days a week you don’t work outside the home? Given how many women call themselves SAHMs “working from home part time” in various things that take up full-time hours, you are perfectly free to choose that self-identity. Then nothing has to change and you can still feel comfortable in that role and embrace it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I make 1/3 more than my full-time husband only working 3 days a week as a healthcare professional. .

Seriously ??? To someone who has struggled with unemployment, I would love to have that kind of income

I always wanted to be a SAHM, even before we were married,.

Just curious, but was this discussed before you were married? Was a plan set on how to make that happen?

I We also own a house in the expensive bay area (bought it when the market was down) and if it wasn’t for me also working, we would lose it. I know many would say, “just go move somewhere else less expensive,” but doing this would sever some extremely important ties for my children.

At leas you have options. Life is full of choices and we need to live with the consequences of our choices. We can’t always complain things aren’t fair, especially when we have options

I **cry **often at the fact that I can’t stay at home with our current expenses (mortgage, student loan, bills). I’m torn between wanting to be a SAHM knowing that we’d probably lose our house and possibly not being able to afford staying in the area on my husband’s income.

I find this quite disturbing because you only work 3 days a week and consciously choose to live in an expensive neighborhood. I think there is perhaps some deeper fear you need help to look at

At times I find myself very resentful towards my husband for not doing more (commanding a better income) to ensure that I could stay at home with our children.

Some men just aren’t career driven and nagging them will get women no where. Also, I am assuming you knew his career choice and level of ambition before you married him. So in a way, how can you all of a sudden expect him to change. Also, some men have the mentality ‘if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it’ so as long as you are earning so much, he has no motive to earn more. But again, it is a partnership and you can’t expect him to change just because you want him to

As much as I wish I wasn’t so unsympathetic, it is very hard for me to have sympathy for someone who has it so much better than me

Angie

 

[St_Francis]

I want to another element to what the others have said. I am a mom of 4, and have gone through a huge number of spiritual places, and I have found it particularly difficult not to give my children everything all at once! Hey, I don’t need much, but my children… but just because I experience envy on behalf of my children doesn’t make it any more right than when I pine for things for myself. Going through these various sporitual places has required that I not look at my circumstances, not look at what my husband or child(ren) are doing, but taking a serious sporitual look at my self.

These attitudes can lead to great harm in the family, and to great spiritual harm. Consider the divisive effect these ideas can have on you, and consider who could want division in a holy person’s life? Who benefits from your wanting more than you have?

The above is just food for thought: obviously your situation may be totally different than mine!

I would say your life looks great, except for one thing: you need to change the way your children see and act during your departures. They are old enough not to cling like that. What I did with that problem was that every time someone left, we would all wave and say Have a good time!!! and when they returned, we would ask how it had been and they would tell the good stuff (in front of the children, the rest was for later). The returning person would say they were glad to be home, but never mention missing anyone. <<< All this was for a training period when one child was having trouble with departures, and we made sure one of the leavers/returners was that child as well, since he had no trouble leaving himself!

This will be good for your children, for you, and for your husband or whoever the children are with.

 

[Allegra]

Also not good to set the precedent (or even the appearance) that life revolves around THEM.

That seems a little extreme. Certainly, a parent takes their child’s best interest to heart when making life choices that effect the whole family. That being said, not everything a child wants in the moment actually is in their best interest. Today alone, my child has cried because I wouldn’t give her a second helping of chocolate milk, I wouldn’t let her sing into the microphone during Mass, she isn’t allowed to wear her glasses upside down, and the cardboard box airplane she made doesn’t actually fly.

 

[1ke]

That seems a little extreme. Certainly, a parent takes their child’s best interest to heart when making life choices that effect the whole family. That being said, not everything a child wants in the moment actually is in their best interest. Today alone, my child has cried because I wouldn’t give her a second helping of chocolate milk, I wouldn’t let her sing into the microphone during Mass, she isn’t allowed to wear her glasses upside down, and the cardboard box airplane she made doesn’t actually fly.

I don’t think it’s extreme. Maybe it was just the way the OP was expressing things, but it sounded like the OP was putting undue pressure on herself to do things because she is revolving her world around her kids using words like “trauma” and “devastated” if they aren’t near their grandparents, their cousins, and crying because she is going to work… that isn’t healthy, IMHO.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

You’re an RN. Find a weekend night shift job at a hospital doing bedside or consider PRN through an agency for weekends. I worked for years on weekend nights in the hospital to be home during the weekdays when my boys were little and so I could homeschool during the week when they were older. I can’t imagine that your finances will suffer too much if you go from 3 days during the week to two 12 hour nights on the weekend; the shift differential and weekend bonus should add up nicely…especially if you’re assigned charge on occasion and get the bonus for that, too. You have quite an advantage over many moms that wish to be at home since your career allows for maximum flexibility, so use it.

 

[EasterJoy]

My experience is that I imagined I was going to stay at home with my children at least until first grade and maybe home school, too. It didn’t work out that way. My children had a speech delay and hearing loss, and they needed professional teachers for the deaf and hard of hearing. I had to let them go to pre-school three days a week when they were three and half and cried at school for the first month until they threw up. The next year, it was five days a week, but by that time they loved the school. Sometimes, you do what is best, not what you imagined.

Let me get this straight: you resent your husband because he can’t make enough while working full time to overcome your choice to take out student loans and a mortgage that make it impossible to live on his income alone? “For better or worse” means you figure out to live within your means. Sometimes, it means the parents work more hours than they’d like to work. You are going to do no one any good by poisoning your marriage with resentments where there is not even an offense, though.

I would also really question whether staying home and home schooling should be automatically presumed to compensate for separating your children from active and intimate relationships with their extended family. The nuclear family is as much a modern invention as parents who work outside the home, after all.

I’ll also warn you that it is no piece of cake for a professional to stay at home with small children all day. It is not an automatic recipe for well-adjusted children or tranquil parents, particularly not when it is bought at the price of other family relationships. You do not “know” it is the best thing for your children or for you to quit your job and stay home full time, let alone that it is best considering the traumatic damage it will take to attain that. Home schooling and being a SAHM are not for everyone. Those are not automatically the “best” for everyone.

What are you going to do if quitting your job and putting the thumb screws on to your husband to make more money turns out to have been an awful choice for everybody? That is a very real possibility.

I have this suspicion, however, that you are not “crying often” because you need to quit your job for your children’s sake. I suspect that you need to lower the stress in your life for your own sake. Overwhelmed people cry a lot, they imagine that dramatic changes to their life situation would make them happy, they place resentment for their unhappiness on others. Overwhelmed people who are very responsible try to find a way in their minds to relieve their suffering without doing something their tired minds imagine is “failing.”

Ask not what you can do for your children. Ask what you can do for their mom. I think she needs that.

As they say at the airlines, don’t move to help other people until you have the oxygen going to yourself, first. Then you may be able to answer these other questions with a clearer mind. It may be that your current career is too exhausting for you for some reason. You may need either a different position or life in a different area of the country for* your sake*. That is OK. It doesn’t need to be “for the kids.” Look at where your needs are not being met first, though.

“If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’ve been a part-time working mom since my first child was born (we now have two kids: 3 and 6 years old). I make 1/3 more than my full-time husband only working 3 days a week as a healthcare professional. thats a sweet gigI always wanted to be a SAHM, even before we were married, but it never seemed possible with my husband’s income and my student loan debt (approx 20k). you chose to have the debt that you are citing here. We also own a house in the expensive bay area (bought it when the market was down) and if it wasn’t for me also working, we would lose it. uh no. You could sell it and make a profit. People from your neck of the woods move to mine (not Indiana) all the time and sell thier one house and buy three here renting the other two out for income. I know many would say, “just go move somewhere else less expensive,” but doing this would sever some extremely important ties for my children. They’d miss out on seeing their grandparents (with whom they are extremely close) fortunately we live in an age of tech and travel. A 12 hour drive radius would give you many options.as well as their first cousins who are like siblings to them. It would be extremely traumatic for them to lose these connections and support systems. no, extremely traumatic us not accurate. People relocate all the time. We have… My kids have always been fine.We also homeschool. good for you! So do we! This has made it so much easier to move. If you look outside of Cali you will be amazed that homeschooling is so much easier for those of us not in your stateI find myself wanting to quit my job and stay at home, knowing it’s the best thing for my children. then quit if you think it best. Reasons not to are easy to find though. I’m a stay at home dad. Could that be an option here?I cry often at the fact that I can’t stay at home with our current expenses (mortgage, student loan, bills). you shouldn’t be crying about these things, your husband and kids need you not to do that I’m torn between wanting to be a SAHM knowing that we’d probably lose our house and possibly not being able to afford staying in the area on my husband’s income. At times I find myself very resentful towards my husband for not doing more (commanding a better income) thats horrible! I hope you husband doesn’t know that. to ensure that I could stay at home with our children. I was wondering if anyone could chime in with personal experience in making the difficult decision to give up your home an/or lifestyle to stay at home with children. Thank you.

That probably stings a little. But as they say in healthcare… “Little pinch”

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think it’s extreme. Maybe it was just the way the OP was expressing things, but it sounded like the OP was putting undue pressure on herself to do things because she is revolving her world around her kids using words like “trauma” and “devastated” if they aren’t near their grandparents, their cousins, and crying because she is going to work… that isn’t healthy, IMHO.

I think the OP is asking opinions on which scenario is likely to be in her kids best interest; being away from family members with which they’ve formed close bonds or being away from their mom for three (presumably) 12 hour shifts. I think her concerns are reasonable as both options effect her kids significantly. I don’t know why one wouldn’t focus such a situation around the welfare of one’s kids. If she didn’t have kids, she wouldn’t have a reason to want to stay home so much, unless she’s afraid the couch would get lonely. She’d REALLY be considered unreasonable if she resented her husband not making enough money so she could keep up with her Netflix playlist!

 

[NurseyJ]

I think the OP is asking opinions on which scenario is likely to be in her kids best interest; being away from family members with which they’ve formed close bonds or being away from their mom for three (presumably) 12 hour shifts. I think her concerns are reasonable as both options effect her kids significantly. I don’t know why one wouldn’t focus such a situation around the welfare of one’s kids. If she didn’t have kids, she wouldn’t have a reason to want to stay home so much, unless she’s afraid the couch would get lonely. She’d REALLY be considered unreasonable if she resented her husband not making enough money so she could keep up with her Netflix playlist!

THANK YOU! SOMEONE GETS IT!

 

[Eliza10]

I just want to say its not horrible to feel resentment your husband for not doing/earning more. Your feelings aren’t sins, its what you do about them that can become sin. If you choose to turn your heart against your husband for this, that would be sin, for example. Feelings alert you to important things. If you are working harder or feeling more stress because of your work to maintain the status quo, than it natural to feel resentment. Maybe he isn’t the problem, but the status quo is - that seems possible since you are yearning change. I hope you find a way to achieve your dream. I would put family lifestyle over extended relatives, myself. Just budget in travel for visiting. And the city dwellers might like a visit in the country, if that’s what you choose. I was able to homeschool my son for three years - then life took a sudden turn I did not plan. I would loved to have continued, and I think families than can do this are so blessed.

I am blessed now with an unexpected second chance to homeschool now for my husband’s granddaughter - the same age as my son was when I homeschooled him, and I am using the curriculum I saved. I am sharing this job with the other grandmother who does it the other three days a week. I really love it, and the special relationship we are able to form. Honestly, when your kids are in school the school gets them for the best part of the day. They come home tired. You have to put them through homework. I have done it both ways, and homeschooling is so much nicer.

I’m working up to three days a week, but I am not parenting. As a parent I would find being at work 3 days a week (I assume you have a lot of responsibility on your job) would take a lot of the joy out of homeschooling lifestyle. Being home-based and not having things so hectic is one of the good parts of homechooling - and its worth sacrificing for (like living on less).

(After my short sweet stint at homeschooling I worked as a single parent but it was necessity, not choice).

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[Lou2U]

Reading it back, it wasn’t well written at all but I’m glad I could help!

Lou

I’ve been thinking about this today, and I wanted to say that whatever happens, you have to find a constructive way of healing things with your husband. If you do have to move away in order to stay at home or you have to keep working, you need make sure you don’t put that onto your husband. I’ve been reading through a couple of your older threads, and I can see it’s been a problem for a while - I just wanted to say that one of the worst outcomes from this could be that you end up feeling even more resentful towards your husband, which will (of course) impact on your relationship. I really, really suggest that you focus on his good points and not dwell so much on “if he did this, I could do this” or “if he had this, I would be much happier” etc. Not to say that you are, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

Lou

 

[EasterJoy]

THANK YOU! SOMEONE GETS IT!

No one thinks this is about your Netflix playlist. You sound overwhelmed, though.

You know it is not rational to resent your husband because he can’t support a family with his one income while paying off your student loans and an ambitious Bay Area mortgage. You are giving your children the positive family relationships with their cousins and grandparents by your choices so far, too, so you have nothing to beat yourself up about because you work part-time. Most mothers work at least part-time these days, particularly if they have professional credentials they need to maintain as a safeguard against some blow to their husband’s employability and particularly once their children reach pre-school age. (People who really only have one income to ever depend on are one disaster away from being homeless.)

I guess I don’t think of experienced nurses as usually being the kind who are driven to tears very easily. Trying to accomplish everything a SAHM would like to accomplish while working three shifts a week in one of the higher-paying nursing specialties, however, is a recipe for burn-out, particularly if money worries are added to the mix. Burn-out, in turn, would cause the crying, would explain the resentment, would be a reason you’d consider a drastic move after setting your family on a stable and sustainable course quite different from the dream you want to pursue now.

Really–are you exhausted? If so, take care of yourself first. Re-assess whether your choice of career or even your choice of specialty makes long-term sense for you and what you know now about nursing that you didn’t know back when you were training. There is no need to blame anyone, and there is no need to endure a situation that is grinding you into misery because you and not just your husband and children have needs that are not being met.

But no, it is not likely that your children “need” to be home schooled. That is not necessarily an option for everyone who wants it. That can be a very rewarding option, it works out so well for some that they’d make any sacrifice to do it, but that is something discerned on a case-by-case basis. Mileage will vary, and you do have some legitimate reasons not to go that route.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I’ve been a part-time working mom since my first child was born (we now have two kids: 3 and 6 years old). I make 1/3 more than my full-time husband only working 3 days a week as a healthcare professional. I always wanted to be a SAHM, even before we were married, but it never seemed possible with my husband’s income and my student loan debt (approx 20k). We also own a house in the expensive… At times I find myself very resentful towards my husband for not doing more… I was wondering if anyone could chime in with personal experience in making the difficult decision to give up your home an/or lifestyle to stay at home with children. Thank you.

I worked in health care full time, then part time, with a flexible schedule, before eventually becoming a stay at home mom. Somewhere along the way, we moved from the area I grew up for my husband’s job.

You wrote 3 days a week, but there’s a huge difference between an 8 hour shift and a 12 hour shift. Either way, can you drop down to 2 days or reduce the hours? That doesn’t always work out financially with child care cost, but it might help reduce some of your stress. For me the cost of childcare and the expense of working took most of my salary, so that is what eventually prompted me to quit working. Then my parents were sick, and then we had more children, and we moved, and blah, blah…life went on.

When I was working more and living in a very nice home, I remember feeling resentful not of my husband but of my house. After my second child, we used a friend who was a SAHM to watch the baby while I worked part time. Her house was smaller, but she could afford to be a SAHM. I came back to my big home from her smaller home, with my baby smelling like her perfume, (which I know was irrational but I just wanted to give him a bath so he didn’t smell like my friend, who was a wonderful and dear person.) I really wished we’d bought a smaller home with a smaller mortgage so I didn’t “have” to work. We eventually sold that home, and moved to a less expensive area. But there’s a reason it’s less expensive, and while my present home is nice, I sometimes miss what I left behind. I miss things about the home in a nicer area that I used to resent. Sometimes I don’t; most of the time I think we made great choices. I prayed a lot before the move and I thought we were doing the right thing, but at some points I wondered if I’d really discerned correctly.

Life is made up of choices. Don’t be resentful towards your husband for choices you made. Whatever you decide to do, if you are the kind of person to second guess, you will second guess whatever choice you make. Whatever you decide to do, some days will be hard. Some seasons may be hard. Just realize that. There really isn’t a clear “right or wrong” that we can tell you about, except the part about blaming or being resentful of your husband that you don’t stay home. He’s in this with you. Regardless of whether you work or stay home full time, one of the* best ***things you can do for your children is to be kind and loving to their father.

 

[Spark2]

I’ve been a part-time working mom since my first child was born (we now have two kids: 3 and 6 years old). I make 1/3 more than my full-time husband only working 3 days a week as a healthcare professional. I always wanted to be a SAHM, even before we were married, but it never seemed possible with my husband’s income and my student loan debt (approx 20k). We also own a house in the expensive bay area (bought it when the market was down) and if it wasn’t for me also working, we would lose it. I know many would say, “just go move somewhere else less expensive,” but doing this would sever some extremely important ties for my children. They’d miss out on seeing their grandparents (with whom they are extremely close) as well as their first cousins who are like siblings to them. It would be extremely traumatic for them to lose these connections and support systems. We also homeschool. I find myself wanting to quit my job and stay at home, knowing it’s the best thing for my children. I cry often at the fact that I can’t stay at home with our current expenses (mortgage, student loan, bills). I’m torn between wanting to be a SAHM knowing that we’d probably lose our house and possibly not being able to afford staying in the area on my husband’s income. At times I find myself very resentful towards my husband for not doing more (commanding a better income) to ensure that I could stay at home with our children. I was wondering if anyone could chime in with personal experience in making the difficult decision to give up your home an/or lifestyle to stay at home with children. Thank you.

Might you consider your husband quitting his job to be a stay at home parent and you work many more hours? Then, once debt is reduced, you could reconsider the arrangement. I understand that this may not perfectly dovetail with your desires, but sometimes that’s life. Your children would still be with a parent while your financial life would be much more secure.

I understand the struggle. I know in my case, we intended my husband to stay home with young children. He has infinite patience and enjoys domestic life. I…do not. But realistically, he makes probably 10 times what I did, so that plan would not be, and I reluctantly took up position staying home. However, knowing that we are each working hard to support our family in the best way we can right now makes all the difference. I appreciate his sacrifice; he appreciates mine.

 

[Polluted]

Resentful towards a man who makes an honest living and does his best to provide as it is? I’m sorry but I’m nothing short of disgusted. Why not tell some of the ladies on here who’s husbands are hardcore alcoholics or abusive how “rough” you have it.

 

[starshiptrooper]

Resentful towards a man who makes an honest living and does his best to provide as it is? I’m sorry but I’m nothing short of disgusted. Why not tell some of the ladies on here who’s husbands are hardcore alcoholics or abusive how “rough” you have it.

Based on the details the OP provided, it sounds like she is trying to have it all. 20k in student loan debt for a degree she does not want to use and an expensive house she probably badgered her husband into based on her status as primary breadwinner. Now she wants SAHM status.

 

[HouseArrest]

It might work for you to get plan to work toward your goals.

Can you work to put as much money toward the loan as possible, then after it is paid off, go down to working 2 days a week? That way you could have more time at home but would not have to give up your home.

 

[Patavium]

Resentful towards a man who makes an honest living and does his best to provide as it is? I’m sorry but I’m nothing short of disgusted. Why not tell some of the ladies on here who’s husbands are hardcore alcoholics or abusive how “rough” you have it.

I also agree that it is unfair to put pressure on the husband on finding a job that pays much more and/or find a second job so that the OP can be SAHM. It sounds unfair and also demeaning towards a husband already doing an honest living.

There is an expression that says you must live within your means.