Wanting and not wanting to help someone

[Anglewannabe]

There is this girl I use to work with almost 15 years ago. I even invited her to a party at my house once. The more I got to know her, the more I did not enjoy her company. All she knows to talk about is work. I bump into her every 2 years or so. (Obviously God has His hand in this). The first thing she does is ask me where I am working which is a soft spot for me. She goes to Catholic church every week. When I ask her to simply pray for me, she refuses and wants to give me secular advice. It drives me nuts. Well, about a month ago I bumped into her and it was the same story:banghead:

Next thing I know she wants to connect with me via linked in. I agree because to be honest, I was not able to set a boundary and refuse. A week ago, she sends me an email via linked in which I ignored until this morning. Well… it turns out she just wanted to update me that she lost her job. My heart sunk for her. I can’t help but think that if she promptly told me that, it means that she needed support and if I am what she is coming too, she does not have a lot of it in her life.

My first thought was ‘I should treat her to coffee to cheer her up’. But knowing her, she will want to talk about secular ways to get a job and my feelings will get hurt. Everytime she encourages me, I think it is a game she plays where she is indirectly trying to cheer herself up. Then I though perhaps a movie so we could spend time not having to talk.

I just feel horrid because she is a mass attending Catholic who does not seem open to building a relationship with God and I am not one to push it because frankly, the resistance drives me nuts.

So, apart from prayer, how do I help someone I am petrified of being around?

 

[EasterJoy]

When you asked for prayers, she gave you advice and secular support. How about you return the “your mommie-friend knows best” response and pray for her and ignore her other request?

Seriously: Pray for her, but do not re-start a social contact that has been toxic to you when you have zero reason to believe it will be less toxic to you the next time around. What kind of friendship is that, where one benefits and the other has her soul sucked out? No. It is OK to have one-sided friendships, but don’t go there. You know this. Trust your gut.

 

[1ke]

What exactly is wrong with “secular advice” about getting a job? I presume you are not talking about unethical things, but things like joining Linked In, polishing your resume, etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

What exactly is wrong with “secular advice” about getting a job? I presume you are not talking about unethical things, but things like joining Linked In, polishing your resume, etc.

What is wrong is that her advice was not wanted. This “friend” knew it and yet kept shoveling it on, anyway.

If you know the OP, you know she does tell people that she does not want to fill her social time with brainstorming about her job situation. When a “friend” does not respect that, then that is exactly the friend I’m not going to even when advice is what I want. I call that kind crayon-grabbers, because they can’t stand to have someone else exercise their own judgment about their own lives. A good mentor, in contrast, can give advice and then stand back and allow the person they are advising to choose which pieces to use and which pieces to let alone, as the person with the life to live sees fit.

Crayon-grabbers are very bad candidates for mentors, and yet they are always lobbying for the job. The OP is smart to run from that. The OP would also be wise to stay out of acting as an mentor for this woman, as it will simply provide a pretext for return mentoring she herself does not want.

If this woman invites the OP out, my inclination would be to say, “If you want someone to relax with and get away from talking about work and looking for it, great. If you want to talk about your job hunt, I’m not your person.”

 

[esieffe]

I just feel horrid because she is a mass attending Catholic who does not seem open to building a relationship with God and I am not one to push it because frankly, the resistance drives me nuts.

So, apart from prayer, how do I help someone I am petrified of being around?

You are too much like I am for your own good. You and I are not Charles Atlas. Help her by praying for her, that she may find the true way to Christ. This may be the first step in that process for her, a reason for rejoicing. Some of us have to rediscover the church through pain and suffering, a speck in the timeline of eternity wouldn’t you say, when the end will mean eternal happiness?

If her presence is a drain on you, [emotional vampire] stay away. Pray, and walk away with a clear conscious. Turn the matter over to God, who is infinitely more powerful and aware than you and I are. He already knows exactly what her needs are. You may be involved in this for secondary reasons and lessons. Put your energies [and you are, right now] into learning what God wants from you in this situation. It may be that God wants you to learn how to take better care of yourself. That is most certainly what God wants for me. In our compassion some of us want to save the whole world. That is God’s function, not ours.

You are a gentle and loving soul. All who read this should be able to see this. Why can’t you? Be good to yourself. I only wish I could take that advice to my own heart. Maybe that is what your post is for me, the Lord’s message that if I try and save everyone in my path, I will lose myself in the process!

 

[Caroline723]

A lot of people are raised in an environment where their sense of value comes their usefulness. This girl may have social anxiety and want to connect but feel safe only doing that on topics like work.

You say she is a Mass-attending catholic who isn’t serious about her faith. How do you know that?

It sounds like you just find this person dull and you feel guilty about not wanting to be friends, and well, you should. We’re not obligated to be friends with everyone but in my experience being a friend to anyone in need is an essential part of the quest for holiness.

 

[EasterJoy]

A lot of people are raised in an environment where their sense of value comes their usefulness. This girl may have social anxiety and want to connect but feel safe only doing that on topics like work.

You say she is a Mass-attending catholic who isn’t serious about her faith. How do you know that?

It sounds like you just find this person dull and you feel guilty about not wanting to be friends, and well, you should. We’re not obligated to be friends with everyone but in my experience being a friend to anyone in need is an essential part of the quest for holiness.

We need to be careful about flattering ourselves about how beneficial our company is, though. The problem she describes is not dullness. It is a personality mismatch. I don’t think this person will have the same effect on everyone. Some fellow job seekers will want a companion with whom they can mutually “obsess” about their job search. The OP finds that stressful and oppressive, but others may not. Others might want to trade advice and could be pleased as punch to find someone to “brainstorm” with.

If the OP volunteers to be a “job hunt free zone,” that is something she could supply cheerfully AND do well. That could be mutually beneficial. If this other woman deals with her own anxiety by giving unsolicited advice to the OP as she has in the past, though, that will be good for no one. Not all suffering is redemptive. Sometimes it is just useless misery, good for nothing.

She might know the person is not serious about her faith because the woman is openly dismissive of religious seriousness. For instance, the OP asked for prayers and the woman refused. She could have made it clear that she thinks that prayer and the sacraments aren’t efficacious. IOW, the OP could have the impression that she does because the woman told her so!

 

[Anglewannabe]

What exactly is wrong with “secular advice” about getting a job? I presume you are not talking about unethical things, but things like joining Linked In, polishing your resume, etc.

There is nothing wrong per se about secular ways of getting a job. However, I have struggled with unemployment long enough to have heard it all. All one has to do is google it and they can find what they need. Also, someone people offer unwanted advice and it is SO clear they have not looked or hired someone in years. There is almost this unwritten rule where it gives one status to be able to tell someone how to get a job and is ‘the first one to say it is the cool kid’

I am a human being and I can NOT look for a job 24/7. I need places in my life where I can go to take a break from pavement pounding. It just kills me that the way to net work is on the golf field. I can’t help but think if I was an avid golfer, I would want to golf on the golf field and I would resent someone trying to network with me when I finally have a day off to golf.

And, I have told this woman that I do have those supports in place and when I am not around those supports I do not want to talk about it and she plainly refuses. Not to mention that if that is always the first thing she talks about, I am starting to think there is nothing else to her, which I find sad and boring

Angie

 

[Anglewannabe]

You say she is a Mass-attending catholic who isn’t serious about her faith. How do you know that? .

When I ask her to pray for me she changes the topic. Someone who is serious in their faith would not do that.

It sounds like you just find this person dull and you feel guilty about not wanting to be friends, and well, you should. We’re not obligated to be friends with everyone but in my experience being a friend to anyone in need is an essential part of the quest for holiness.

Yes I find her dull and honestly, I don’t think deep down she would appreciate my friendship if it is solely coming from my feeling an obligation to her and secretly wishing she would stop talking about her career. I might fool her but I will never fool God who knows my heart. And I can tell you from experience just because someone is in need does not meant they want any help that comes their way. People in need want friends who can fulfill their needs and if a person can not do that, it is much better not to make an empty promise

Angie

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Simply reply and say you are sorry she lost her job and that you will pray for her. Don’t offer any visits or advice.