Wanting attention as a married person

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gs013564

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Hey folks,

Is it sinful to want attention from the opposite sex if you are married? Last night I went out and had a few drinks and took my ring off on purpose. To be clear, I in no way had intentions of infidelity. However, I do find myself wanting attention from the opposite sex. I know what I did was wrong (taking the ring off), but how grave is the matter to want attention while being married? I think it’s a vanity/pride thing more than a true desire for other women.

Again, please don’t lambast me. I know it is sinful. I just want some guidance on the gravity (is it mortal?).
 
To be totally honest, yes. I believe it is a mortal sin. The best thing for you to do is either, talk to your spouse about showing you attention/affection or whatever you desire, or get a divorce.
 
I think I didn’t make myself clear. Our marriage is fine. I just find myself “puffing up” so to speak when I’m around girls I find attractive. I took the ring off because I’m an idiot (and was drinking, so I made a bad decision) and thought people would conversate with me more readily.
 
gs013564 said:
I think I didn’t make myself clear. Our marriage is fine. I just find myself “puffing up” so to speak when I’m around girls I find attractive. I took the ring off because I’m an idiot (and was drinking, so I made a bad decision) and thought people would conversate with me more readily.
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Why were you out in a bar without your wife? What would you have done had one of those attractive women made a pass at you? When drinking, and pretending to be single, you are deceiving the other person that you are flirting with, as well.

Your marriage is not fine, my friend. Good marriages do not include one of the spouses removing his wedding ring and going out to drink at bars.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Why were you out in a bar without your wife? What would you have done had one of those attractive women made a pass at you? When drinking, and pretending to be single, you are deceiving the other person that you are flirting with, as well.

Your marriage is not fine, my friend. Good marriages do not include one of the spouses removing his wedding ring and going out to drink at bars.
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I’m out with a friend on business. I would NEVER EVER have let a woman make a pass. Literally, I was just conversating, no flirting. I’m trying to stress that my intention is not to cheat or lead on someone although I agree with you, it was deceiving to the person.

I guess it was born out of wanting attention, like the title says. I get that it’s narcisistic. I’m not excusing that.

I know in my heart what my intentions were and they were not to cheat. It was a stupid decision, but was it grave?
 
Aside from the gravity of sin involved, I am wondering what it is that makes you crave this attention. You say that you were out with a collegue and wanted to feel “puffed-up” by attention from women. Do you normally behave this way (I don’t mean taking off your ring)? Is it because you feel that you have to prove your attractiveness to the opposite sex in order to feel good about yourself, especially in front of others? Are you craving this attention to compensate for low self-esteem? I expect there is no single answer, but please ask about counselling services when you speak to your priest.
 
gs013564 said:
Hey folks,

Is it sinful to want attention from the opposite sex if you are married? Last night I went out and had a few drinks and took my ring off on purpose. To be clear, I in no way had intentions of infidelity. However, I do find myself wanting attention from the opposite sex. I know what I did was wrong (taking the ring off), but how grave is the matter to want attention while being married? I think it’s a vanity/pride thing more than a true desire for other women.

Again, please don’t lambast me. I know it is sinful. I just want some guidance on the gravity (is it mortal?).
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I do not believe it is a mortal sin - you didn’t do it to purposefully separate yourself from God. I do think that because you took your ring off it is a pretty serious matter because of the state of your heart.

However I will say that there is nothing wrong from liking attention from the opposite sex even if you are married. It’s flattering when guys still hit on me, and my husband actually takes it as a compliment to himself since he’s with me. I always tell him when it happens. I am also flattered when girls flirt with my hubby. We’re rock solid so we always have a laugh about it later. Truth is - it IS flattering, but to take your ring off or to do other things to purposefully seek out that attention is the beginning of a very, very, VERY dark road that ends in really awful things. Confess it, and stay away! 🙂
 
Not to lambast you, OP, but to warn you and encourage you:
*"Likewise, you younger members, be subject to the presbyters. And all of you, clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another, for: “God opposes the proud but bestows favor on the humble.” So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.

Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for [someone] to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings. The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ [Jesus] will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little. To him be dominion forever. Amen*. 1 Peter 5:6-11

I had a sailing instructor once who warned that none of us had better ask him if it was OK to capsize the boat. Whether the boat would be OK or not was besides the point. A sailor never takes the chance that he’s going to capsize his boat. Period.

You in no way had intentions of infidelity, but you’re not displaying a burning desire to remain faithful, either. It is not a sin per se, but it is a serious temptation to want the attention of sexual attraction from those whom you are not free to marry. You are walking where you are vulnerable to attack. Forget about mortal vs. venial in this case. Work on taking every precaution so that you never ever capsize the boat. The difference between mortal and venial comes into play when you’re deciding whether you need to confess before or after the next time you receive the Eucharist, and not the difference between sins that grease your way to ruin and those that don’t. There is not a safe level of sin. Don’t even think that way.

Renounce your desire to indulge your own vanity and go back to courting your wife. Pride is a deadly sin. Presumption is a deadly sin. Taking your marriage for granted puts it in danger of being capsized. Cherishing and nourishing it, OTOH, helps to guard against temptations that would ruin it. Trust in God, but row away from the rocks!!

Let us now picture a man with a crucifix around his neck and a white depression on his finger where his wedding ring was ten minutes ago. Is this a witness for the Gospel? If you wouldn’t do it while wearing a T-shirt that says in large letters, “I’m a Catholic from St. Pius X Parish”, then don’t do it at all.
 
EasterJoy said:
Let us now picture a man with a crucifix around his neck and a white depression on his finger where his wedding ring was ten minutes ago. Is this a witness for the Gospel? If you wouldn’t do it while wearing a T-shirt that says in large letters, “I’m a Catholic from St. Pius X Parish”, then don’t do it at all.
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I was going to say:

Picture your wife out for a few drinks with a friend. Your wife takes off her ring because the likes the attention that the young guys give her. She would never take it any further.

So, OP does that give you a warm fuzzy feeling about your marriage?

You may not believe it, but taking your ring off so people don’t think you are married, screams that there is something wrong with your marriage. Not only do you need to take this to Confession, you also need to discuss this with your wife.
 
I do not understand why people come on here post horrible things and then dont want to be lamblasted…
  1. Yup mortal sin. Or at least grave matter. On several levels but most of all on vanity and pride.
  2. You cannot have it both ways, either you would never cheat on your wife or you would. You cannot say that you wouldnt have taken the ring off using being drunk as an excuse and then expect yourself or others to believe you wouldnt take clothes off. either you were so drunk that anything would be possible or you were not that drunk and character is the overall issue.
  3. I would not tell your wife, but you need to change your self as a man.
  4. Odd that you would even take off your ring. In a bar setting where people are hitting on each other no one cares if you have a ring or not. That is an old fashioned myth. Women dont even look anymore.
  5. Your biggest ego boost should be that one woman wants you sooo bad that she will give the rest of her life to you, not her body because she is drunk at a bar…
  6. What you did was not only disrespectfull, unmanly and vain but was also a lie and pathetic.
  7. Your manhood is more damaged by your silly ideas than by women not hitting on you. A man so insecure that he takes his wedding ring off for an ego stroke is uglier than what you see in the mirror.
 
You also lost a HUGE opportunity to witness in the world. To witness to your “freind” on business about what it means to have character and honor.
And to witness to any prospective woman that you are a proud husband…
Nobody wants to hear about Jesus at a bar, but sometimes just being a decent person speaks volumes.
Your marriage is in trouble. And the fact that you dont see it or it hasnt raised its ugly head yet means that you are in jeopardy. This is not something healthy families do. period.

If you 'puff up" around women like that, you are going to get it someday by a real man. And how will you explain that black eye to your wife.
 
maryjk said:
I was going to say:

Picture your wife out for a few drinks with a friend. Your wife takes off her ring because the likes the attention that the young guys give her. She would never take it any further.

So, OP does that give you a warm fuzzy feeling about your marriage?

You may not believe it, but taking your ring off so people don’t think you are married, screams that there is something wrong with your marriage. Not only do you need to take this to Confession, you also need to discuss this with your wife.
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I was going to say the same thing. Aside from discomfort from an injury, working with your hands on a project where the ring might be damaged or scratched, wearing it in a situation where you might get injured (basketball, for example, I know someone who got it caught on the rim and ripped the top digit of their ring finger off), having it at the jewlers to be resized or something like swimming in the ocean with a loose-fitting ring…

…there is absolutely no reason to remove your wedding ring, especially to “get attention from the opposite sex”. None.

Deliberately placing oneself in a possible near occasion of sin could go either way. At best, it’s a betrayal of your spouse, although not as serious as adultry.

Sort it out in confession.
 
I appreciate everyone’s responses and I do realize there is a problem. I’ll be going to confession and getting it sorted out.

On a side note, I agree with everything everyone is saying. I am aware what I did was wrong and indicates something is wrong with myself. The only thing I can think of to do is just to change my attitude. I’m not sure what else I can do besides recommitting myself to my marriage and staying close to God.

Again, thanks for the responses. I didn’t honestly think through the psychological and spiritual consequences when I did what I did. You all are driving it home for me. It is a huge wake up call. Thank you.
 
gs013564 said:
Hey folks,
Is it sinful to want attention from the opposite sex if you are married?

not necessarily sinful, but certainly imprudent, unwise and playing with fire. Other men do not exist for you in the context of sexual attraction any more. That dimension is reserved for your husband alone. Notice I did not say abandon hygeine and good grooming, I said save the deliberate courting of attentions of the opposite sex for your husband.
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gs013564 said:
I appreciate everyone’s responses and I do realize there is a problem. I’ll be going to confession and getting it sorted out.

On a side note, I agree with everything everyone is saying. I am aware what I did was wrong and indicates something is wrong with myself. The only thing I can think of to do is just to change my attitude. I’m not sure what else I can do besides recommitting myself to my marriage and staying close to God.

Again, thanks for the responses. I didn’t honestly think through the psychological and spiritual consequences when I did what I did. You all are driving it home for me. It is a huge wake up call. Thank you.
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Don’t be too hard on yourself, either. These were invitations to wake up, not invitations for self-flagellation.

A desire to be stroked can come from a feeling that you need to be “good enough” and aren’t. At a certain time in life, it can come from a fear that death is coming and you aren’t ready. It can come from regret or the fear that you haven’t made the best decisions over the course of your life. It can come from any number of lies that the evil one can tell you. Don’t start thinking that those lies are you. What God made you to be, the man God sees you as becoming, is something altogether other than that!
 
gs013564 said:
I appreciate everyone’s responses and I do realize there is a problem. I’ll be going to confession and getting it sorted out.

On a side note, I agree with everything everyone is saying. I am aware what I did was wrong and indicates something is wrong with myself. The only thing I can think of to do is just to change my attitude. I’m not sure what else I can do besides recommitting myself to my marriage and staying close to God.

Again, thanks for the responses. I didn’t honestly think through the psychological and spiritual consequences when I did what I did. You all are driving it home for me. It is a huge wake up call. Thank you.
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Awesome!! I do realize what I and others said can be hard to hear but I am impressed with your ability to look at this honestly. guy to guy I just dont believe in beating around the bush. I call it like I see it and I expect others to do the same to me.
 
Catholicpotato said:
Awesome!! I do realize what I and others said can be hard to hear but I am impressed with your ability to look at this honestly. guy to guy I just dont believe in beating around the bush. I call it like I see it and I expect others to do the same to me.
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Well, I sincerely appreciate it. Thanks for the encouragement. I feel awful because I really do love my wife and generally resist the temptation to seek attention. I’ve always kind of wanted to be in the spotlight and this is something I’ve always had to work on. Last night was an epic fail on my part.

The removing the ring thing is hard to explain because it’s such a stupid move on my part without any real intention of infidelity, but I get that it could lead down that path if I don’t do something about my attitude now.

Pride goes before the fall, right?
 
gs013564 said:
Hey folks,

Is it sinful to want attention from the opposite sex if you are married? Last night I went out and had a few drinks and took my ring off on purpose. To be clear, I in no way had intentions of infidelity. However, I do find myself wanting attention from the opposite sex. I know what I did was wrong (taking the ring off), but how grave is the matter to want attention while being married? I think it’s a vanity/pride thing more than a true desire for other women.

Again, please don’t lambast me. I know it is sinful. I just want some guidance on the gravity (is it mortal?).
Click to expand...
To WANT attention, is not a sin.

To ACTIVELY SEEK IT, is.

I’m not going to judge whether or not the act of taking off your ring was a sin. I will only say that doing so is definitely not something your spouse would be happy about.

How would you feel in the reverse situation? If your spouse went off to a bar and took of their ring for attention from the opposite sex?

Probably uneasy and hurt - at the very least.
 
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