Wanting childless marriage, considering leaving Church over it

[Rosebud77]

Forgive. Of course. Child abuse isn’t really that bad. We’ve gotten too soft.

That’s the problem with kids these days, they just aren’t beaten severely enough. Right? I see and hear plenty of talk of that nature from people within the Church, and it makes me want to choke them.

The solution would be for me to have kids of my own, then I would realize just how difficult I and my brother may have been. Then I could have sympathy for my father, and maybe, like him, take it out on my kids.

And so the beautiful circle of life continues.

**Maybe, like him, I would then see what fatherhood is all about.

It’s about the joy that comes from inflicting pain on someone smaller and weaker who can’t fight back.

Indeed, that’s really one of the great joys of this world isn’t it? To find someone smaller and weaker than you, to put down and hurt. An awful lot of people, perhaps most, take joy in that.**

‘He only hurt us because he loved us. Right?’ Definitely, because, as much fun as it is to just physically injure someone, it’s all the more fun to injure their spirits as well, by telling them ‘it’s for their own good.’

Of course, while my kids would be small, I can hurt them as much as I want. That’s what authority is all about.

And then, once they’re grown, they’ll need to forgive me too. After all, bruises heal, and all that’s left are hurt feelings. And we care too much about feelings these days. Boo hoo. Right?

I’m glad that I’ve made certain that the chain ends with me. And yes, that does make me, deep down, feel better that parents who beat their children.

OP my heart to you but you are so so wrong. Trust me on that. Please.

 

[1ke]

I’m glad that I’ve made certain that the chain ends with me. And yes, that does make me, deep down, feel better that parents who beat their children.

Charlie, you need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. To heal from all this abuse you endured. Your view of life and the world is not something we can help you with. It has had years to develop, and may take years to work through.

Do the hard work of healing from this. Don’t let your father continue to abuse you by casting his shadow over your relationships and decisions about children. Because right now, he’s still abusing you. Don’t let him!

 

[EasterJoy]

Charlie, you need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. To heal from all this abuse you endured. Your view of life and the world is not something we can help you with. It has had years to develop, and may take years to work through.

Do the hard work of healing from this. Don’t let your father continue to abuse you by casting his shadow over your relationships and decisions about children. Because right now, he’s still abusing you. Don’t let him!

I wish I had a “like” button for posts like this.

Forgiveness isn’t a return for the offender to a position of trust. It isn’t even reconciliation with the offender. That takes two, whereas forgiveness only takes one. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the forgiving person is magically regaining the innocence of someone never offended against so gravely. Forgiveness is the state of letting go of ill will. We haven’t really let go of the harm someone did to us until we can let go of the ill will we feel about the harm and the offender.

We can’t really let go of the ill will over the harm until we feel we’ve emerged from the harm without letting the act that harmed us and the person who harmed us define us. That is particularly hard to do when the harm came from someone who ought to have been our most ardent protector and nurturer. You don’t have to literally heal from the harm to forgive it–that is, if someone put you in a wheelchair and robbed you of your ability to walk, you can let go of the ill will over your loss and move on without regaining what was lost. You cannot get the influence of the offender out of your life until you let go of ill will over the offense.

Moving beyond the grave harm you have suffered will first require rebuilding your life in a way that does not center around what you have lost and the offense against you. That requires recognizing the loss, recognizing the nature of the offense, and then choosing to deliberately move away from the defensive reaction that the offense naturally brings up in a victim in favor of a response that is more life-giving to you, the victim.

That is what we hope you will find: a life that has responded to this offense in a way that doesn’t let this loss define you, but chooses a way that will be better for you, happier for you, more optimistic for your sake.

Look at St. Joseph. All he ever did was to think about others, protect others, take the abuse and judgment aimed at others, and nurture the child given into his care for the destiny the child was meant to fulfill, a destiny St. Joseph didn’t choose and couldn’t change, but a destiny that would fulfill the will of God for the child in his care, even though it meant deprivation and danger for St. Joseph.

That is what fatherhood is all about.

 

[TexCatholic4JMJ]

I wish I had a “like” button for posts like this.

Forgiveness isn’t a return for the offender to a position of trust. It isn’t even reconciliation with the offender. That takes two, whereas forgiveness only takes one. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the forgiving person is magically regaining the innocence of someone never offended against so gravely. Forgiveness is the state of letting go of ill will. We haven’t really let go of the harm someone did to us until we can let go of the ill will we feel about the harm and the offender.

We can’t really let go of the ill will over the harm until we feel we’ve emerged from the harm without letting the act that harmed us and the person who harmed us define us. That is particularly hard to do when the harm came from someone who ought to have been our most ardent protector and nurturer. You don’t have to literally heal from the harm to forgive it–that is, if someone put you in a wheelchair and robbed you of your ability to walk, you can let go of the ill will over your loss and move on without regaining what was lost. You cannot get the influence of the offender out of your life until you let go of ill will over the offense.

Moving beyond the grave harm you have suffered will first require rebuilding your life in a way that does not center around what you have lost and the offense against you. That requires recognizing the loss, recognizing the nature of the offense, and then choosing to deliberately move away from the defensive reaction that the offense naturally brings up in a victim in favor of a response that is more life-giving to you, the victim.

That is what we hope you will find: a life that has responded to this offense in a way that doesn’t let this loss define you, but chooses a way that will be better for you, happier for you, more optimistic for your sake.

Look at St. Joseph. All he ever did was to think about others, protect others, take the abuse and judgment aimed at others, and nurture the child given into his care for the destiny the child was meant to fulfill, a destiny St. Joseph didn’t choose and couldn’t change, but a destiny that would fulfill the will of God for the child in his care, even though it meant deprivation and danger for St. Joseph.

That is what fatherhood is all about.

Thank you for this. It is what I was trying to say to him in post #98.

 

[augustinegirl]

@CharlieDoe, I know this post is a few years old but I wanted to offer my prayers for you and post this in case anyone sees this. I am so sorry. I really don’t think there is an adequate way to offer my sympathy because you have been through more evil than anyone should experience, but I’d be remiss to not offer it at all. As many have already said, you must seek therapy. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you not wanting to have children will change, but there are obvious deep wounds, because…how could there not be with a childhood like that? God loves you infinitely and He is your real Father. But the thing is, how we relate to one another, and especially to our family, shapes how we relate to others. Any amount of negativity and anger, especially that takes over our lives, is too powerful and an evil that we must seek to get rid of. Mary, Undoer of Knots, could be particularly helpful here. Having that strong of an aversion to being a father is different than just not wanting to be one or not particularly desiring it. The last two can change, but a strong aversion shows that there is something deeper underneath. And I’m not suggesting that I know the answer, but you need a very well-trained psychologist. Prayers and love to you.