Wanting marriage too much?

[JezuUfamTobie]

The thing that strikes me about this story is your boyfriend’s refusal even to discuss your future.

You’ve probably been browsing the family life forum for a while now. Have you seen the pain and regrets of people whose spouses cannot properly communicate their thoughts and feelings? Here you have a man who refuses to discuss a matter important to a loved one and yet can’t deliver any coherent reasons why not. Healthy communication is vital to a healthy marriage. Unfortunately your boyfriend sounds like he hasn’t yet been gifted with that skill.

With what I know now, if I were you, I’d cut my losses and look elsewhere.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I don’t think age makes one bit of difference. For some people it just takes a little longer to mature and figure out when the timing is right for certain things.
My husband and I are perfect examples of this… I was ready at a much earlier age than he was… he’s 10 years older than me… we got married when we were 22/32 years old!

So it has to be really rough if you guys are the same age! If he’s anything like my DH he just wasn’t ready (I’m sure glad he waited it out for me, though! )

You’ll be in my prayers, homewardbound…
MIL issues are never easy… and they never go away. But accepting a loving relationship between mother and son isn’t going to ruin a future marriage… not in the least. Think about how YOU’D feel if your little baby boy was growing up. I’m glad I have my MIL as a good example of how to love my sons as they grow up.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t think age makes one bit of difference. For some people it just takes a little longer to mature and figure out when the timing is right for certain things.

Yes and even that assumes that there is no going back. However, there is. Or at least I think so. There might be people perfectly ready for marriage at some point who later become less ready as a result of what happens in their life. Consider issues from past relationships. For example, a recently dumped person is not ready. Now if it takes longer to get over it or if there’s permanent damage, the person may become no longer ready even though he was ready before.

 

[lotusblossom]

Very true, thank you. I do agree that marriage can be scary. He is frightened of it, and doesn’t know why. I don’t know why I’m not. Everyone’s different though. I will try to be patient because I know everything will happen in God’s time. I just hope he continues to be willing to talk to me about these things. He says he is ready for marriage, there are a few things he wants to get done though before then. Maybe I should make a list myself of things I’d like to do. I’d hate to get married and then regret not enjoying being young and single. Though I don’t know what kind of things I want to get done before marriage besides finish school. Ooh, I want to be confirmed of course. I won’t get married until I have fully entered the Catholic faith. hehe, I’ll have to brainstorm.

Just my speculation, but my guess is the reason he’d be scared and you wouldn’t would be simply because his mother lost his father early on and you have two parents. He sees the possibility of losing you and that makes him scared. It’s not necessarily completely logical thinking, but it’s probably the reason why. Plus, like you mentioned before, you have siblings and it sounds like he is an only child. Even if one of your parents died, you’d have that support of a big family and it sounds like he didn’t…not from immediate family anyway.

However, I don’t think being afraid is necessarily healthy either. If he’s not ready at that moment, that’s fine, but I would wonder EXACTLY why he’s not ready…if he wants to get through school - that’s understandable, but if he’s really afraid of marriage in general, that may be a sign that he won’t ever be ready unless he gets some help or something to get over that hurdle.

But I also think that you just being at peace with where you are right now is great! Love is patient, after all . Just make sure that you do what you want too .

 

[Robaynne]

Your BF loves you very much and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you but he is not ready yet. Do not push him give him some space.

Do not put unnecessary pressure on him or yourself. There is no rush he has committed himself to you not by engagement or marriage by showing you how much he loves you and wanting to spend time with you and been a part of his and your life. Actions speak louder than words if he did not want to be with you then he would not.

You guys still need to finish your studies. Are you working if not then you still need to get jobs. A place to stay plus furniture. And a wedding costs alot of money so there is also that to consider. And also don’t look around and see other people getting married or engaged and start feeling miserable and unhappy that when will this happen for me. It takes time a marriage is not a walk in the park. It requires lots of work and it takes two people to make a marriage work not one person. You do not want him to come to you forced or underpressure then it is not going to work. And you want this marriage to be forever.

Every mother is protective of their kids. If he is the only child then that is understandable. Remember that his mother has taken care of him all these years and put her life on hold to give her son a good life and having to not only be the mother but also the father. One day when you are a mother you will understand how it feels to be protective of you kids. In most cases the boys are always the ones who are closests to their mothers. If she has never been horrible or spiteful to you then you have nothing to worry about. And remember this if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man then you have to except that the mother is always going to be a part of his life.

Please do not make the mistake of making him choose between his mother and you because you will be the looser at the end. Treat his mother with respect no matter what. Even if she is rude or abrupt with you show her that you are the better person. And include her in the things that you do to show her that you are not going to steal her son away from her and that you guys can actually share him. A relationship between a mother and son is very different to a relationship between a girlfriend and boyfriend.

And do not allow other people to put ideas in your head. He loves his mother and she is all alone and by showing her the respect he does means alot that he will in turn do the same for you. And I think that if you guys show her that even though you two are together she will still be a part of your lives. That she is not loosing her son but also gaining a daughter.

 

[kage_ar]

Please do not make the mistake of making him choose between his mother and you because you will be the looser at the end. Treat his mother with respect no matter what. Even if she is rude or abrupt with you show her that you are the better person. And include her in the things that you do to show her that you are not going to steal her son away from her and that you guys can actually share him. A relationship between a mother and son is very different to a relationship between a girlfriend and boyfriend.

And do not allow other people to put ideas in your head. He loves his mother and she is all alone and by showing her the respect he does means alot that he will in turn do the same for you. And I think that if you guys show her that even though you two are together she will still be a part of your lives. That she is not loosing her son but also gaining a daughter.

My thoughts exactly!

I’d not want to marry a man who would just toss his own mother aside “Thanks for raising me mom, now gotta go have my own life - see ya every other Christmas.”

Listen to the above very kind advice!

 

[litllulu]

I too hope to be married soon! I can feel your pain.

 

[rwoehmke]

About 15 years ago I worked with a youngish woman who had a similar situation. Mom was a widow and couldn’t let go. The son just couldn’t break his mother’s heart. They would get together from time to time, but marriage was just out of the question it seems. Well Mom finally died, but by this time both were so set in their living single ways that an actual marriage seemed out of the question. The last I heard she still lives alone with her two little dogs. They were still friends but that was the extent of it. Quite sad really. I guess if your willing to accept that possible outcome carry on with the present course. Its easier than making waves.

 

[mariam1976]

I do understand that you want a man who can be respectful and loving towards his mother as they are the kind of men who know how to treat their women well…

however, if he is feeling guilty about getting married to you because he feels that he is abandoning his mother, then I would suggest that he is not the right man for you.

Remember it is said that the marriage bond is such that

*Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Matthew 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Mark 10:7-8 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

Ephesians 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.*

He will probably never be ready for marriage and even if he does get married to you, he will never be able to keep you as his first priority after God.

In a marriage, it is always to be God first then spouse then children and then parents. A man cannot follow this when he is feeling guilty about leaving his mom even though that is supposed to be the natural order of things.

May God guide you in making the right decision.

 

[jc-servant]

OP. You can each love the other and yet not be right for marriage with each other. You are both still quite young and honestly you may grow in different directions over the next few years as you enter the world outside of school.

I felt called to marriage many years ago and I’m still single. I have faith that the right person will happen at the right time, but it is very hard sometimes. Other times when I see the number of friends who rushed into marriage and are now divorced or miserable, well I feel much better for having waited. The one thing that I’ve learned in my life is that the things that work the best happen on God’s timing, not ours.

One of the men who I thought that I would marry was happy with our relationship being in the “waiting” stage for a number of years right after I graduated college. I finally asked him when he was thinking marriage would be right and he said something about 40. Our families had met and we all loved each other too, but I cut him loose and we remained friends. I realized that if I was his “one” that he would not have been thinking to wait a decade or so.

We were preventing each other from seeing the other possibilities around us by holding onto a relationship that was not quite right. He met his wonderful wife who is a much better match for him (although similar to me in many ways) a few years later. He proposed in less than one year. They are still very happy.

It may be hard to think about, but you not only need the right man but also the timing must be right for both of you or a good marriage will not happen. You should not have to play games to get a proposal or to get him down the aisle even if he proposes “on his own.”

What you may need to do is to take a break from each other where both of you can really think about what you want in life and if you desire to spend some time seeing who else is out there. I know this is a scary thing for many people, but if you are meant to be together then you will survive it. No dates with each other and no frequent boyfriend/girlfriend calling or messaging. No inquiring about the other person’s relationships either because during this time you are both free and single.

After a set amount of time, say 6 months you could sit down and discuss what you found out about yourselves and the possibility of a future together. I don’t suggest this option as a method of playing a game, but as a mature method of giving yourselves time to individually discern about your future as an individual and the two of you as a couple. If you are not sure of who you are on your own, it is hard to see how you know what you are offering to your future spouse.

Above all pray that God’s will is done in both of your lives!

 

[Norseman82]

OP. You can each love the other and yet not be right for marriage with each other. You are both still quite young and honestly you may grow in different directions over the next few years as you enter the world outside of school.

I felt called to marriage many years ago and I’m still single. I have faith that the right person will happen at the right time, but it is very hard sometimes. Other times when I see the number of friends who rushed into marriage and are now divorced or miserable, well I feel much better for having waited. The one thing that I’ve learned in my life is that the things that work the best happen on God’s timing, not ours.

One of the men who I thought that I would marry was happy with our relationship being in the “waiting” stage for a number of years right after I graduated college. I finally asked him when he was thinking marriage would be right and he said something about 40. Our families had met and we all loved each other too, but I cut him loose and we remained friends. I realized that if I was his “one” that he would not have been thinking to wait a decade or so.

We were preventing each other from seeing the other possibilities around us by holding onto a relationship that was not quite right. He met his wonderful wife who is a much better match for him (although similar to me in many ways) a few years later. He proposed in less than one year. They are still very happy.

It may be hard to think about, but you not only need the right man but also the timing must be right for both of you or a good marriage will not happen. You should not have to play games to get a proposal or to get him down the aisle even if he proposes “on his own.”

What you may need to do is to take a break from each other where both of you can really think about what you want in life and if you desire to spend some time seeing who else is out there. I know this is a scary thing for many people, but if you are meant to be together then you will survive it. No dates with each other and no frequent boyfriend/girlfriend calling or messaging. No inquiring about the other person’s relationships either because during this time you are both free and single.

After a set amount of time, say 6 months you could sit down and discuss what you found out about yourselves and the possibility of a future together. I don’t suggest this option as a method of playing a game, but as a mature method of giving yourselves time to individually discern about your future as an individual and the two of you as a couple. If you are not sure of who you are on your own, it is hard to see how you know what you are offering to your future spouse.

Above all pray that God’s will is done in both of your lives!

Whereas your story has a happy ending (for him at least), I want to caution everyone on one common 15-second soundbite that was made in the middle of your post:

The one thing that I’ve learned in my life is that the things that work the best happen on God’s timing, not ours.

That is a common “blow off” line used to get rid of someone or to tell them not to worry. The problem there is that if a person takes that seriously, he/she/they will start feeling guilty about resolving their situation because they may feel like they are letting God down or going against God, and then they may end up like the following people in a post prior to yours:

Well Mom finally died, but by this time both were so set in their living single ways that an actual marriage seemed out of the question. .

Now granted, you clarified this with a course of action, but there are a lot of naive silly-sallies that throw around that line very recklessly, and it is to them that I aimed that caution so that they don’t mess anyone’s lives up.