Wanting more children, NFP

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maryjt

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Hello,

My husband and I have a 6 month old daughter. I would like at least a few more children and to put our family size in God’s hands by using NFP. However, my husband has said he doesn’t want any more children, one more at the absolute most. He is a practicing Catholic and even teaches catechism classes. However, he does not seem to follow the Church’s teachings regarding children and birth control. Any advice on how I can get through to him? I feel very strongly that we should be having more children and don’t want this to be a point of contention in our marriage.

Thanks in advance.
 
congrats on your baby 🙂

My advice is to pray and give it time…she’s only 6 mths and it’s a big adjustment for some people when they have a baby. heck, I didn’t want anymore kids after I had my first (bad labor experience and PPD)…but here I am with 4 (my youngest is 3 mths) and they are all spaced about 3 years apart. 😃
 
[SIGN][/SIGN]I was sent to teach many people about love…but they killed me in the womb
I was sent with new ideas to cure disease…but they killed me in the womb
I was sent to be a modern saint and live heroic virtues, a model for all to see…but they killed me in the womb
I was sent to be born with severe disabilities, to teach compassion to many…but they killed me in the womb
I was sent to be a peacemaker in the midst of a great world conflict…but they killed me in the womb
I was sent to help a homeless man find shelter on a cold and windy night…but they killed me in the womb

I sent you to save a child from drowning…but they blocked your conception
I sent you to show my love in art and music…but they blocked your conception
I sent you to hold your mother’s hand as she transitioned from life to death…but they blocked your conception
I sent you to brake the cycle of addiction in your family and friends…but they blocked your conception
I sent you to bring my word to a new generation from the alter of my Church…but they blocked your conception
I sent you to teach many people about love…but they blocked my love from entering the world through you.
 
maryjt said:

“My husband and I have a 6 month old daughter. I would like at least a few more children and to put our family size in God’s hands by using NFP. However, my husband has said he doesn’t want any more children, one more at the absolute most. He is a practicing Catholic and even teaches catechism classes. However, he does not seem to follow the Church’s teachings regarding children and birth control. Any advice on how I can get through to him? I feel very strongly that we should be having more children and don’t want this to be a point of contention in our marriage.”

Give it time and maybe make a point of making friends with people with more kids than you who seem to be managing well.

What are your husband’s concerns? Is it primarily financial or are there health concerns or does he not think that you and he are emotionally capable of handling a larger family? Also, how many siblings does he have? If he’s from a small family, he may not be able to imagine a bigger one. And if he’s from a large family where he felt lost in the crowd, that probably figures too.

Keep talking to him and figure out where he’s coming from.
 
maryjt said:
Hello,

My husband and I have a 6 month old daughter. I would like at least a few more children and to put our family size in God’s hands by using NFP. **However, my husband has said he doesn’t want any more children, one more at the absolute most. ** He is a practicing Catholic and even teaches catechism classes. However, he does not seem to follow the Church’s teachings regarding children and birth control. Any advice on how I can get through to him? I feel very strongly that we should be having more children and don’t want this to be a point of contention in our marriage.

Thanks in advance.
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I wonder if your husband may be feeling overwhelmed as a first-time father? Has his opinion about the number of children he wants changed? Or has he always ignored that part of the Church teachings and only wanted one child? In any case, you may get through to him by being an extraordinarily loving wife. Remember that your role as a mother flows from your role as wife. New moms often devote themselves to their babies and the new dad may even feel a bit “left out” as the child demands all the mother’s attention.

Pray for your husband. Make sure that you still pay attention to your husband and his needs. And…you may want to work on your “sales” approach to NFP. By saying you want to “put your family size in God’s hands by using NFP” your husband may think he has no say in his family size. He does–and so do you–at least, you both do to some extent. NFP requires that the couple co-operate with each other and discern with God in prayer about their family size. If they feel God calling them to prevent or postpone another child, then that means abstaining from marital relations for a time. Abstaining can be a very highly effect means of preventing pregnancy. But if he’s already feeling disconnected from you, abstaining from marital relations will probably be all the harder for him.

I may be off base, but I suggest that you find a baby sitter or loving relative to care for your baby, and then you and your husband go out on a date.
 
gardenswithkids said:
…

Pray for your husband. Make sure that you still pay attention to your husband and his needs. And…you may want to work on your “sales” approach to NFP. By saying you want to “put your family size in God’s hands by using NFP” your husband may think he has no say in his family size. He does–and so do you–at least, you both do to some extent. NFP requires that the couple co-operate with each other and discern with God in prayer about their family size.
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This is an important point.

OP - Your family size, timing of children and related matters deserve to have the benefit of your thoughtful consideration, together with your husband. I often read statements where “no conscious intention or planning” about some aspect of life is equated with “leaving it to God”. This isn’t sound in my view. If a healthy couple have sex whenever the mood takes them, they will likely have a large family - this is an outcome of biology and their choice, not of some freedom they believe they’ve accorded God.

I am not advocating that one **must **plan meticulously to space children, and have a preconceived notion that we shall have X kids then stop. A reasonable plan in the early stages of marriage (if you know you have the energy and the resources to suit) might be to “go with the flow”. But this is not a more Godly approach than making conscious choices reflective of your talents and life circumstances.
 
your husband should not be teaching catechism classes if he does not follow the full teaching of the church. perhaps he is overwhelmed with commitments, and giving up teaching for the time being will allow him to relax and enjoy his young family. blessings!
 
bisco said:
your husband should not be teaching catechism classes if he does not follow the full teaching of the church. perhaps he is overwhelmed with commitments, and giving up teaching for the time being will allow him to relax and enjoy his young family. blessings!
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Leaving aside the specific circumstances, this might be a bar too high. Catechists, teachers, priests - are not perfect.
 
Rau said:
Leaving aside the specific circumstances, this might be a bar too high. Catechists, teachers, priests - are not perfect.
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👍 Exactly right! There would be no priests, nuns or Catholic educators if everyone had to be perfect first.
 
sorry, i don’t mean to sidetrack this thread. not following the rules is one thing, not believing the teachings of the church is another. to each his/her own, but i would not want someone catechizing my children who didn’t believe all the teachings of the church. although, i’m not deluded to think that it hasn’t happened.
 
maryjt said:
Hello,

My husband and I have a 6 month old daughter. I would like at least a few more children and to put our family size in God’s hands by using NFP. However, my husband has said he doesn’t want any more children, one more at the absolute most. He is a practicing Catholic and even teaches catechism classes. However, he does not seem to follow the Church’s teachings regarding children and birth control. Any advice on how I can get through to him? I feel very strongly that we should be having more children and don’t want this to be a point of contention in our marriage.

Thanks in advance.
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As others have addressed, you may need to make more effort to understand your husband’s current attitude. Being a father for the first time can be confronting and only 6 months into it is not the time for either of you to be making firm decisions about what family size you want. Maybe he’s struggling with this new baby and feels daunted by the thought of more. It’s entirely understandable and right now will not be the time to push him on this.

What do you mean exactly by: “he does not seem to follow the Church’s teachings regarding children and birth control”? This is a little ambiguous. Do you mean he’s using contraception? Or do you mean you don’t agree with using NFP to avoid right now?

If it’s the former, then he’s obviously acting outside of Church teaching. If it’s the latter, then I think perhaps you need to make more effort to understand why he wants to avoid more children at this time. Focus on now, and let the future take care of itself in time. That’s really how NFP works anyway. You assess whether you have reason to avoid this particular month, and continue month by month. If your husband is overwhelmed right now (but do not use that sort of language in discussing it with him), then in my strong opinion you have a very just reason to use NFP to avoid.
 
maryjt said:
Hello,

My husband and I have a 6 month old daughter. I would like at least a few more children and to put our family size in God’s hands by using NFP. However, my husband has said he doesn’t want any more children, one more at the absolute most. He is a practicing Catholic and even teaches catechism classes. However, he does not seem to follow the Church’s teachings regarding children and birth control. Any advice on how I can get through to him? I feel very strongly that we should be having more children and don’t want this to be a point of contention in our marriage.

Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
I don’t think it is necessary to instantly change your husbands view on number of children. But I would work on understanding his thinking and attitude to family. What did you each discuss before you were married and prior to your first child? What factors underpin his current viewpoint?

Is your husband using artificial birth control at the present time?
 
I would definitely avoid the phrase “put our family size in God’s hands by using NFP” when speaking to your husband, because that’s going to freak him out.

Being a guy, he has a limited (and not very effective or enjoyable) array of birth control options available to him. He doesn’t have a lot of effective options without your cooperation, unless he’s willing to get a vasectomy now. I wouldn’t spell this out to him, but he can figure out for himself that condoms are both ineffective and not super enjoyable and withdrawal has the same issues.

In the meantime, do a good job with the NFP and involve him as much as possible with interpretation, so that you don’t spook him into a vasectomy.
 
Xantippe said:
Being a guy, he has a limited (and not very effective or enjoyable) array of birth control options available to him. He doesn’t have a lot of effective options without your cooperation, unless he’s willing to get a vasectomy now. I wouldn’t spell this out to him, but he can figure out for himself that condoms are both ineffective and not super enjoyable and withdrawal has the same issues.
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I know the CC is against artificial contraption, and most here don’t use it. However, I do have to correct that information, as he will likely argue against it. 🙂

Condoms are actually very effective when used correctly.** In the same way NFP is very effective when used correctly**. Most user failure in condoms occurs in younger age groups, especially those who are not regular users. It also occurs in those who do not use them properly, just as with NFP. For example, if I were to go ahead and have sex during the fertile cervical fluid of NFP then it would be my fault, not the method. Similarly for men who put the condom on too late or not properly. However, many of my female best friends (and me) used condoms as our regular contraception for years and years, and no babies. I interchanged my use of condoms with FAM at that time. Of course, I don’t think I am very fertile, but my friends seem to be.

The 15% failure rate is for typical use, while perfect use gives a figure of 98% effectiveness. This paper presents the same figures. As with most contraceptives, perfect use stats increase with the length of the method.

Finally, most men do not have an issue with using condoms. The only guy I know who refused to use them with his wife is a man who is very selfish in every way. He then made her use withdrawal. I know some recent studies are asserting that withdrawal is more effective than previously thought; however this was not known by her at the time, and I’m sure she found it very stressful. Especially considering how fertile she is. She got pregnant first time and first cycle trying without withdrawal, and she is also one of those rare women with perfect 28 day cycles.

I know Catholics are not meant to use contraceptives, and that is fine with me. However, just wanted to present the facts here. Mods, feel free to delete if this is inappropriate. I just wanted to reiterate what he will likely say if he wants to use them. Hope I haven’t offended you, Xantippe. I think you’re pretty cool. 👍
 
Thanks, Galbin!

At least in the US, people who use contraception are generally very eager to get to the point in a relationship where they aren’t thinking about sexually transmitted diseases anymore and don’t “have to” use condoms anymore, so they’re just using hormonal contraception. That’s my general impression, at least…
 
Xantippe said:
Thanks, Galbin!

At least in the US, people who use contraception are generally very eager to get to the point in a relationship where they aren’t thinking about sexually transmitted diseases anymore and don’t “have to” use condoms anymore, so they’re just using hormonal contraception. That’s my general impression, at least…
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So condom usage is low in monogamous relationships there? That would make sense actually, as the US ladies I know outside this board (my good friends in the US), use IUDs, the BCP or sterilisation. I also know the diaphragm is more popular there than it is in Europe. Anyway, yes it is very normal for couples in long term relationships or marriages here to use condoms.

Unfortunately, hormonal methods are also of course popular. However, people who are into health, such as the types of friends I have, tend to shy away from hormonal methods. All of us had the BCP pushed on use before, and that makes us so angry to be honest. In my case, it wasn’t even for contraception; it was for female problems that I found multiple ways to rectify once I became my own health advocate. I could rant forever about the physical dangers of the pill and its hidden abortificant properties, but I will refrain from that on this thread. 😃
 
Galbin said:

“So condom usage is low in monogamous relationships there?”

Yep. Or that’s my general impression.

HIV/AIDS had a big impact on habits. My impression is that the social history of this is that condoms and diaphragms were popular pre-pill in the US (1950s and earlier?), and then once the pill arrived, condoms and diaphragms were less popular for a while, but when AIDS appeared, it became typical to do condoms (or condoms plus hormonal contraception) followed by just hormonal contraception as a couple became monogamous. IUDs are getting to be more of a thing now, after a long period of unpopularity due to the big Dalkon Shield scare.

This isn’t based on research, just my impression from books and anecdotes.
 
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