Wanting out of dad's drama (this is long)

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Willsfirecracke

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Here is a little background information about the pops before I can really get into things:

My parents have been devorced for a year now. However, before the devorce was final my mom admitted to having intercourse with her main squeeze at the time. My dad of course is really mad because that was against marital vows and what have you. He holds this against her and tries to convince her family that this had happend. However my dad’s halo is a bit tarnished as well.

Since their devorce my mom’s family has for the most part left him alone. My dad is convinced that my mom has said nothing but “wonderful” things about him and has her family thinking he is the antichrist. (yeah i found it a bit laughable).

My younger sister is 13 and for the past few days has been in WA visiting my mom’s family. (no dad is not happy) My sister posted a bulletin on her myspace about peace signs and how she doesnt like the way some people draw them (she thinks she’s a hippie). In the same bulletin she made a rephrance to how the peace sign was female.

My dad being my dad got angry and told her that it was innapropriate and that she has obviously been hanging out with my cousin. In responce my sister posts another bulletin about how she doesnt like how my dad talks bad about my mom’s family. (and i have to agree with her there) She also goes on making comments about his messages and how they were “stupid”

Now here is my dilema. My dad called ME to talk to ME about all this. He is in Jackpot with his girlfriend and he calls to “fill me in” about my sister’s actions. I had already been informed by my sister about what was going on. On top of that I was up to my neck with problems. I was in the middle of getting 4 children (my dad’s girlfriends kids) to bed when he called, and her kids are by far the most defiant kids i have EVER watched. I ended the phone call abruptly after the kids started screaming for the third time. He then sends me a text saying that if i “wanted to be pissy and ****** with him over some stupid myspace bulletin then fine - screw you too!!”

I have tried my hardest to stay out of things but it is so hard to talk to my dad about things. He is so so so so SOO stuborn. He likes to put me and my husband in the middle of EVERYTHING. His girlfried, my mom’s family, my brother, my sister, his friends. You cant really say anything that would offend him or he goes on a rampage so to speak. My husband and I are afraid to set him off because we are afraid of what he might do. We dont fear our lives or anything like that. We know he would never hurt us. However we do like a roof over our heads and a warm bed to sleep in.

I just have no idea how to tell him that I am tired of being in the middle of his drama. I know a sure way would be to move out but given our finacial situation that is a bit impossible at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice?
 
If you and/or your husband don’t have work, my thought would be that you and/or he would be advisable to move heaven and earth to get work and find somewhere to rent!
 
I’d suggest that you and your DH move out and put a little distance between you and your dad. 👍 You’re gonna have a hard time setting limits if you are dependent on him. 🤷
 
The situation you describe sounds like a terrible inmeshment that your father has with you. He has violated your boundaries in drawing you into the details of his relationships, both with your mother and his girlfriend. No matter how old you are, you are still his daughter, and you still deserve his respect in the form of distance from his relationship problems. He has no business dragging you in the way he has. I just want to affirm you in that. You are not wrong, and you are not selfish for wanting him to leave you out of it all.

That said, I know you’re afraid that a confrontation might call down some sort of “wrath” of his and result in your being forced to leave the house. **But unless you stand up to him, he holds a power of leverage over you that is unjust and that no healthy person would consent to live with. **So my advice is to confront him in the most non-emotional way possible: tell him in no uncertain terms that you no longer want to be his go-to person where matters of relationship are concerned. Tell him it is unfair to you, as well as disrespectful of your position as his daughter, and you will no longer be party to those discussions.

If he wants to attempt to respect this, then be prepared for him to “slip” or perhaps not try as hard as he tells you he will. Old habits die very hard, and you must be careful never to enable him to fall back into the pattern. You have to be strong enough to stop him anytime he starts into the same-old thing again, and tell him you can’t discuss that with him anymore. It will probably take a while, but if you are consistent and un-bending, he will eventually find another outlet for those discussions (and hopefully more appropriate).

However, if he chooses to show you the door – and he may, although most fathers won’t – then you and your husband have to be prepared to do what it takes to make it on your own. When you married, you took responsibility for yourselves, and you have to be prepared to compromise comfort for the sake of independence sometimes. You’ll be amazed how much clearer your head is when you are out from under your father’s oppressive roof, if it comes to it!

Courage to you. I have been in your shoes, and it requires painful and difficult work. But this is something you must get control over, before it devours you and your marriage. Heck, you might even find you have a good relationship with your dad when he starts to respect your boundaries!
 
Willsfirecracke said:
Here is a little background information about the pops before I can really get into things:

My parents have been devorced for a year now. However, before the devorce was final my mom admitted to having intercourse with her main squeeze at the time. My dad of course is really mad because that was against marital vows and what have you. He holds this against her and tries to convince her family that this had happend. However my dad’s halo is a bit tarnished as well.

Since their devorce my mom’s family has for the most part left him alone. My dad is convinced that my mom has said nothing but “wonderful” things about him and has her family thinking he is the antichrist. (yeah i found it a bit laughable).

My younger sister is 13 and for the past few days has been in WA visiting my mom’s family. (no dad is not happy) My sister posted a bulletin on her myspace about peace signs and how she doesnt like the way some people draw them (she thinks she’s a hippie). In the same bulletin she made a rephrance to how the peace sign was female.

My dad being my dad got angry and told her that it was innapropriate and that she has obviously been hanging out with my cousin. In responce my sister posts another bulletin about how she doesnt like how my dad talks bad about my mom’s family. (and i have to agree with her there) She also goes on making comments about his messages and how they were “stupid”

Now here is my dilema. My dad called ME to talk to ME about all this. He is in Jackpot with his girlfriend and he calls to “fill me in” about my sister’s actions. I had already been informed by my sister about what was going on. On top of that I was up to my neck with problems. I was in the middle of getting 4 children (my dad’s girlfriends kids) to bed when he called, and her kids are by far the most defiant kids i have EVER watched. I ended the phone call abruptly after the kids started screaming for the third time. He then sends me a text saying that if i “wanted to be pissy and ****** with him over some stupid myspace bulletin then fine - screw you too!!”

I have tried my hardest to stay out of things but it is so hard to talk to my dad about things. He is so so so so SOO stuborn. He likes to put me and my husband in the middle of EVERYTHING. His girlfried, my mom’s family, my brother, my sister, his friends. You cant really say anything that would offend him or he goes on a rampage so to speak. My husband and I are afraid to set him off because we are afraid of what he might do. We dont fear our lives or anything like that. We know he would never hurt us. However we do like a roof over our heads and a warm bed to sleep in.

I just have no idea how to tell him that I am tired of being in the middle of his drama. I know a sure way would be to move out but given our finacial situation that is a bit impossible at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice?
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I mean this with charity, but your dad sounds terribly immature. Text messaging you nonsensical messages, and so forth–you sound like more of the parent in your family, right now! I am sorry you’re in this dilemma, but always choose to love your mom and dad, despite their behaviors, the way Christ loves us…and I agreed with others…put some physical distance between you and your dad. I would not get into arguments, etc…but instead, I’d probably have a heart to heart–explaining that you don’t like being in the middle, and leave it at that. If he gives you the cold shoulder or says something mean, then don’t reply until he decides to be less dramatic, and kinder. It sounds like he and your mom have made a mess of their collective lives, to a degree…that doesn’t mean you and your husband need to be pulled into the quicksand along with them. I would suggest counseling as a family, though–because even when people are divorced, they often lose a good sense of communication, especially when other significant others enter the picture.

I would possibly ask your dad to seek counseling too…in a kind and gentle way. You sound like you are very understanding and patient…I hope things work out!:o
 
From the time I was three or so, til my early 30s, I was in the middle between my mother and my older sister. I did finally blow up and tell them to deal with each other instead of through me. It didn’t really work - and like you I was dependent on my Mom at the time, though I didn’t live with her.

What I wound up doing (with the help of a therapist) was to tune out of much of it as possible, and stop reacting. I responded to her outraged phone calls with “yeah, uh huh, yeah, uh huh” with no emotion - neither agreeing with her nor disagreeing with her. To questions, I’d say, “I don’t know.” Eventually - it took about two years, as I recall - she quit complaining to me all the time. My sister and I had finally become friends (after being raised as enemies) about 5 years earlier.

How this would work face to face with your father, I’m not sure.

I did pick one thing out of your story that he might have a right to be ticked off about. You said She also goes on making comments about his messages and how they were “stupid”

If I’m right about MySpace being public to anyone (I’m not sure, but your father has access, obviously) - well I’d get pretty ticked about that, too.
That’s just a small point, though. He does sound… how shall I put it charitably… hard to live with.

I’ll pray for you.

Ruthie
 
I obviously missed the first act of this drama

why is OP taking care of dad’s girlfriend’s kids? as Ann Landers used to say, you can’t be a doormat unless you lie down on the floor and let people walk all over you

If parents had adult children who were misbehaving they should have no compunction about kicking them out of the house and refusing to aid and abet their “lifestyle”. When the shoe is on the other foot, rule is the same. dad and mom will go their own way, no matter what you do or so, but no reason you have to play along.
 
Ruthie said:
From the time I was three or so, til my early 30s, I was in the middle between my mother and my older sister. I did finally blow up and tell them to deal with each other instead of through me. It didn’t really work - and like you I was dependent on my Mom at the time, though I didn’t live with her.

What I wound up doing (with the help of a therapist) was to tune out of much of it as possible, and stop reacting. I responded to her outraged phone calls with “yeah, uh huh, yeah, uh huh” with no emotion - neither agreeing with her nor disagreeing with her. To questions, I’d say, “I don’t know.” Eventually - it took about two years, as I recall - she quit complaining to me all the time. My sister and I had finally become friends (after being raised as enemies) about 5 years earlier.

How this would work face to face with your father, I’m not sure.

I did pick one thing out of your story that he might have a right to be ticked off about. You said She also goes on making comments about his messages and how they were “stupid”

If I’m right about MySpace being public to anyone (I’m not sure, but your father has access, obviously) - well I’d get pretty ticked about that, too.
That’s just a small point, though. He does sound… how shall I put it charitably… hard to live with.

I’ll pray for you.

Ruthie
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Yes myspace is somewhat public. Bulletins are only posted between friends. My dad has all of my siblings on his friends list so if any of us were to post a bulletin he would be able to read it. That’s how he read it. And i compleatly understand why he would get mad because “stupid” was putting it lightly. I know my sister shouldnt have done it so publicly but it is also the first time she has ever stood up to my dad about this issue. She cant even ask him to stop talking about my mom in front of him without him blowing up.

I have tried the “yeah, uh huh, yeah uh huh” method before. It works really well with my mom… and sometimes on my dad. However the “i dont know” reply makes my dad mad. “YOU DO TO KNOW NOW TELL ME!” 😦
 
whatevergirl said:
I mean this with charity, but your dad sounds terribly immature. Text messaging you nonsensical messages, and so forth–you sound like more of the parent in your family, right now! I am sorry you’re in this dilemma, but always choose to love your mom and dad, despite their behaviors, the way Christ loves us…and I agreed with others…put some physical distance between you and your dad. I would not get into arguments, etc…but instead, I’d probably have a heart to heart–explaining that you don’t like being in the middle, and leave it at that. If he gives you the cold shoulder or says something mean, then don’t reply until he decides to be less dramatic, and kinder. It sounds like he and your mom have made a mess of their collective lives, to a degree…that doesn’t mean you and your husband need to be pulled into the quicksand along with them. I would suggest counseling as a family, though–because even when people are divorced, they often lose a good sense of communication, especially when other significant others enter the picture.

I would possibly ask your dad to seek counseling too…in a kind and gentle way. You sound like you are very understanding and patient…I hope things work out!:o
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My dad is already in couseling… and no im not his couselor. 😛 My parents have lost all sence of comunication. The only “talking” they do is emails back and fourth about my sister. And even those end up as battles that involve their attorneys.:rolleyes: I am all for the family couseling… I think it is a great idea. 🙂

“you sound like more of the parent in your family, right now!” unfortunatly you arent the first to say that. :rotfl:

I love both my parents. I just wish that they would both grow up sometimes.
 
Thank you guys for all your prayers. The advice is great. Thank you all!
 
Well my dear Firecracker…

These folks don’t even know your family and have it pegged perfectly.

Your dad is not going to change, only you can change you.
 
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