Wanting to be a better wife...any ideas for me?

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lisa_nd

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Hey everyone! I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but for my New Year’s Resolution I chose to try and be a more sincere person in general, but most specifically with my husband. We have a good marriage (have been married for about 6 months), but as I am sure some of you can relate to, I tend to criticize every little thing, am usually a pessimist, and just unpleasant to be around sometimes. Does anyone have any advice, ideas for good books, or anything about how I can train myself to overlook the “little things” that really don’t matter and be a more supportive, loving wife and person?

(I know some of you veteran married couples must have advice and/or stories about how your relationship has evolved!!)
 
Been married a long time and this was never a problem for us for several reasons, mostly because I think this is personality driven.

I assume you are a perfectionist? If so, you gotta let that go most of the time. If he’s doing something, and not the way you’d do it, just let it go. Do you stand over his shoulder waiting for him to mess up? Do you like to say “I told ya so?”. If so check that stuff at the door.

The main thing is just be patient. Y’all only been married 6 months, heck still learning how to live together. The first few weeks in my married life I was clueless. It took us about 2 years to see where the boundries needed to be.

I really don’t know what to say about being a good wife, I just know I have one.
 
Saying this after your morning prayers and maybe in the middle of your day every day might help.

Wife’s Prayer
O merciful Lord God, who in the beginning didst take Eve out of the side of Adam and didst give her to him as a helpmate: grant me grace to live worthy of the honorable estate of matrimony to which Thou hast called me, that I may love my husband with a pure and chaste love, acknowledging him as my head, and truly reverencing and obeying him in all good things; that thereby I may please him, and live with him in all Christian serenity. Keep me from all worldliness and vanity. Help me, O Lord, that I may, under him, prudently and discreetly guide and govern his household. Let no fault of mine aggravate any sins by which he may be especially tempted; enable me to soothe him in perplexity, to cheer him in difficulty, to refresh him in weariness, and, as far as may be, to advise him in doubt. [Give me understanding so to fulfil my part in the education of our children, that they may be our joy in this world and our glory in the next.] Grant that our perfect union here may be the beginning of the still more perfect and blissful union hereafter in Thy kingdom; and this I pray through Jesus Christ our Lord.** Amen**.

and remembering that you are one.:signofcross:
 
lisa_nd said:
Hey everyone! I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but for my New Year’s Resolution I chose to try and be a more sincere person in general, but most specifically with my husband. We have a good marriage (have been married for about 6 months), but as I am sure some of you can relate to, I tend to criticize every little thing, am usually a pessimist, and just unpleasant to be around sometimes. Does anyone have any advice, ideas for good books, or anything about how I can train myself to overlook the “little things” that really don’t matter and be a more supportive, loving wife and person?

(I know some of you veteran married couples must have advice and/or stories about how your relationship has evolved!!)
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Lisa - a couple of general suggestions- can’t offer specific suggestions regarding being a better wife as I’ve never been married but as these have worked for me in other relationships they may be relevant for you.

I’ve had to train myself to be less pessimistic - think I adopted that tactic as I thought it would stop me being disappointed when things went wrong. Therefore I would imagine the worst thing that could happen and then breathe a sigh of relief when it didn’t. So I have tried to train myself not to do it by catching when I start doing it and asking whether it is helpful in this situation.

Also I’ve had to learn that what I think is being helpful - suggesting in personal realtionships a better way to do something or pointing out a typo isn’t the way to go unless I’ve been asked to do so. Did this by realising that while I’m okay about commenting I don’t like it being done to me unasked.

Maybe we need to ask oursleves more often - what would I like to have said or done to me in this situation? And then do it.
 
My best advice would be be yourself. Remember you’re the girl that he feel in love with. That doesn’t mean we can’t mature and change, but I wanted you to know that you shouldn’t obsess about it. He loves you
 
BamaRider said:
Been married a long time and this was never a problem for us for several reasons, mostly because I think this is personality driven.

I assume you are a perfectionist? If so, you gotta let that go most of the time. If he’s doing something, and not the way you’d do it, just let it go. Do you stand over his shoulder waiting for him to mess up? Do you like to say “I told ya so?”. If so check that stuff at the door.

The main thing is just be patient. Y’all only been married 6 months, heck still learning how to live together. The first few weeks in my married life I was clueless. It took us about 2 years to see where the boundries needed to be.

I really don’t know what to say about being a good wife, I just know I have one.
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This is GOOD advice,. OP. For example, I always do my own laundry because there are a few articles of clothing that need to be washed in cold water and allowed to air dry so they don’t shrink. I can’t afford a lot, so when I get nice clothes, I want them to stay that way. I was overwhelmed last weekend with taking care of an ailing parent, and when I came home, my husband had done all of my laundry, knowing that I would have been up extremely late to get it done. He took the time to think of me and gave of himself and his time in helping me. On the inside, I immediately freaked out, worrying about my sweaters, etc but I took a deep breath before speaking and rather than say, “Honey, why did you do that? My clothes will be ruined???” I said…“Wow…this was really thoughful and loving of you to do this for me” His whole face lit up, and he felt good about what he had done for his wife instead of me berating him because he didn’t do it the way I would have done it. Funny thing is…my clothes didn’t shrink.

God is good…all the time.
 
lisa_nd said:
Hey everyone! I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but for my New Year’s Resolution I chose to try and be a more sincere person in general, but most specifically with my husband. We have a good marriage (have been married for about 6 months), but as I am sure some of you can relate to, I tend to criticize every little thing, am usually a pessimist, and just unpleasant to be around sometimes. Does anyone have any advice, ideas for good books, or anything about how I can train myself to overlook the “little things” that really don’t matter and be a more supportive, loving wife and person?

(I know some of you veteran married couples must have advice and/or stories about how your relationship has evolved!!)
Click to expand...
It’s not cheesy to resolve to be a better human being and wife, it’s actually holy.

Think of the Virgin Mary and imitate her:
She was obedient to Joseph
She was very patient and trusted in God
She did not expect to be a mommy, but she accepted the gift of a child humbly
She lived a recollected life, only speaking when necessary and praying as often as possible
She meditated on Jesus’ mysteries frequently (yep, she was the first to pray the Rosary!)
She loved her husband even when he erred, and error for her only meant a chance to pray for someone
She did not engage in sex but increased her union with Joseph spiritually (purity, prayer, sacrifice, etc.)

A couple must have marital relations as much as possible, but not too much, for if they have it too little their bond will grow cold, but if they have it too much their bond will grow too hot. Moderation is the key, and God will know how to lead you if you only ask Him for His Will and give Him your will in exchange.
 
OP,

Aside from giving a “high five” to BamaRider for his advice, as a wife I would say that even the strongest and loving of men will eventually get worn down from negativity, nitpicking and by a critical woman. Really loving someone means putting things in perspective so small things don’t seem large…by giving the one you love the benefit of the doubt and trying to focus on positives rather than negatives. You get back what you put out. I also believe wholeheartedly that really loving your husband means to respect him, and support him, so that he CAN be the real man you married! I think it’s wonderful that you are looking inward to see how you can be a good wife…many women don’t do that and they take their husband’s for granted. We all need and want to feel valued. He is a lucky man.👍
 
BamaRider said:
Been married a long time and this was never a problem for us for several reasons, mostly because I think this is personality driven.

I assume you are a perfectionist? If so, you gotta let that go most of the time. If he’s doing something, and not the way you’d do it, just let it go. Do you stand over his shoulder waiting for him to mess up? Do you like to say “I told ya so?”. If so check that stuff at the door.

The main thing is just be patient. Y’all only been married 6 months, heck still learning how to live together. The first few weeks in my married life I was clueless. It took us about 2 years to see where the boundries needed to be.

I really don’t know what to say about being a good wife, I just know I have one.
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You are mostly right about this! I do tend to be a perfectionist, but I don’t wait for him to do something wrong. I am so detail-oriented that I notice quickly when things are left undone, and knowing that I tend to take care of messes, bills, etc right away I have a hard time understanding how one can be content with leaving it for later and this is when I get nit-picky. I realize it will just take time to train myself to overlook these things and be more patient. Thank you for your support and encouragement!! I appreciate everyone’s advice!
 
Eucharisted said:
It’s not cheesy to resolve to be a better human being and wife, it’s actually holy.

Think of the Virgin Mary and imitate her:
She was obedient to Joseph
She was very patient and trusted in God
She did not expect to be a mommy, but she accepted the gift of a child humbly
She lived a recollected life, only speaking when necessary and praying as often as possible
She meditated on Jesus’ mysteries frequently (yep, she was the first to pray the Rosary!)
She loved her husband even when he erred, and error for her only meant a chance to pray for someone
She did not engage in sex but increased her union with Joseph spiritually (purity, prayer, sacrifice, etc.)

A couple must have marital relations as much as possible, but not too much, for if they have it too little their bond will grow cold, but if they have it too much their bond will grow too hot. Moderation is the key, and God will know how to lead you if you only ask Him for His Will and give Him your will in exchange.
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I don’t know if I agree with the “speak only when necessary” part!! LOL 😉
 
I just got a book called “The Catholic Family Handbook” by Lawrence G. Lovasik and it’s been helpful to me. It’s very easy to read and offers practical advice on how to get along with your spouse and build a good marriage.
dianaballein said:
I don’t know if I agree with the “speak only when necessary” part!! LOL 😉
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LOL, well I think this is good advice in general, for anyone. I tend to chatter on and on though, especially when I’m nervous. Which is defeating because I think it’s one of those habits that actually makes others around you MORE nervous. So it’s something I need to work on, too.
 
ac_claire said:
LOL, well I think this is good advice in general, for anyone. I tend to chatter on and on though, especially when I’m nervous. Which is defeating because I think it’s one of those habits that actually makes others around you MORE nervous. So it’s something I need to work on, too.
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But what is “necessary” to one may not seem necessary to another, is all I am saying. For example…I may find it necessary to speak to my husband during a football game. He would find that unnecessary. lol
 
Lisa, I’m guessing that you have a temperament of a melancholic.

Here’s a test you can take:

catholicmatch.com/pl/pages/temperaments.html

i know it’s a dating site, but if you just enter married into your profile, you won’t get access to the dating area.

sophiainstitute.com/productdetails.cfm?PC=298

is a good book on temperaments–and how to conquer your weaknesses, so your temperament is a blessing and not a roadblock.

I also liked the movie Foolproof–it has a love dare book that I thought would be fun to get and implement even if your marriage isn’t as damaged as in the movie.

bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/

movie website

fireproofthemovie.com/
 
A book that every married couple should read (and single person for that matter…)

“Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer” by Fr. Dubay

I know it does not sound like a “marriage book”.

Second, Matthew Kelly’s “Seven Levels of Intimacy”.
 
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. 👍
 
dianaballein said:
But what is “necessary” to one may not seem necessary to another, is all I am saying. For example…I may find it necessary to speak to my husband during a football game. He would find that unnecessary. lol
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😃 lol
 
Your resolution is the same as mine. We have been married almost 15 years. We have 13 & 12 year old daughters. We have had a very stressful and difficult year. Unfortunately, we haven’t always been as patient and kind with each other as we would like. So I have resolved to make it better this year. My husband agrees that we both need to work on it! You are newly married, so things haven’t had the chance to test you yet. But at some point it will. I don’t know what advice to give you except to say you should pray. I have been asking God to help me be more patient, more loving, more kind and understanding. I try to let go of the small stuff. And most of it is small stuff. Sometimes you will have to bite your tongue. Just remember that this is the person you love and who loves you. You wouldn’t talk to a friend in an unkind way (and expect to remain friends). So try remembering that your spouse is your best friend and treat him accordingly. It helps when he works on it too. Just remmber to pray and ask God for the grace you need to live a long and happy married life. God bless!
 
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