Wanting to join the Church but

[alice_c]

I don’t have doubts about the truthfulness of the Catholic doctrine, however I can’t receive any sacraments unless I leave my boyfriend of 7 years (he refuses to marry) and take my young child with me, which I can’t do right now due to finances.

Either way, lately I’ve been wondering if it’s better to just wait until our child is an adult, so we can raise him together (we don’t argue and are generally happy), with a mom and father figure present every day or should I leave the household and raise my child as a single mom but with the church present in our life?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on the subject!

 

[pensmama87]

Has your boyfriend given you a reason for why he doesn’t want to marry?

That alone would make me very strongly consider leaving.

 

[heidi_storage]

If you become aware that you’re sinning, then you’re obliged to repent of it and turn away from it–not merrily continue in sin with the assumption that you can always repent later. Sometimes it’s awfully hard to do the right thing–which in this case would mean ceasing to sleep with your boyfriend–but it is what Christians are called to do.

 

[Dorothy]

Our Lord Jesus Christ needs to come first. It is not a good idea to presume that you can wait until a later time.

May our Lord guide you!

 

[lax16]

I don’t have doubts about the truthfulness of the Catholic doctrine, however I can’t receive any sacraments unless I leave my boyfriend of 7 years (he refuses to marry) and take my young child with me, which I can’t do right now due to finances.

Either way, lately I’ve been wondering if it’s better to just wait until our child is an adult, so we can raise him together (we don’t argue and are generally happy), with a mom and father figure present every day or should I leave the household and raise my child as a single mom but with the church present in our life?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on the subject!

If he is unwilling to get married, there is a strong possibility that he won’t be around until your child is an adult.

What are his objections to marriage?

 

[angell1]

as others have asked, why does he not want to marry? and I’m guessing the child is his? please correct if I’m wrong

if so, why would he not want to commit to being faithful to his family? I see you having bigger problems down the road, honestly.

also, what does he think of you and his child being catholic? because if you become catholic, you will have the obligation to raise the child in the faith to the best of your abilities

you need to follow God first, with or without him. even if it means you’re a single mom, that’s better than having a figure who will be detrimental to your and your child’s life and faith

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

As a single bloke I say let’s take the facets of this situation step-by-step, using lateral thinking and be sure to not jump any guns.

The things to weigh up are, how much have you heard about the other facets of what Christian life entails, from what kind of person, is there a range of people you can discuss these things with further, are you aware of what kind of Christian life you can start having before you partake in any sacraments, how communal and supportive will that be.

Praying that you will be able to discern in time, about the child’s father. Especially that he will be willing to marry you.

There aren’t necessarily set time frames or deadlines by which you are obliged to start partaking in sacraments. My own personal opinion is that it is extremely important to know what Christian life is anyway.

 

[Bonnie]

I don’t have doubts about the truthfulness of the Catholic doctrine, however I can’t receive any sacraments unless I leave my boyfriend of 7 years (he refuses to marry) and take my young child with me, which I can’t do right now due to finances.

You might want to read about Dorothy Day. She was living with her boyfriend who refused to marry her. She wanted to join the Church, and she wanted to stay with him. She chose the Church and took her young daughter with her.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t have doubts about the truthfulness of the Catholic doctrine, however I can’t receive any sacraments unless I leave my boyfriend of 7 years (he refuses to marry) and take my young child with me, which I can’t do right now due to finances.

Either way, lately I’ve been wondering if it’s better to just wait until our child is an adult, so we can raise him together (we don’t argue and are generally happy), with a mom and father figure present every day or should I leave the household and raise my child as a single mom but with the church present in our life?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on the subject!

As others have asked you, why doesn’t your boyfriend want to marry? Have you told him about why you wish to join the Catholic Church, and why that means you want to get married? Does he know that you wish to raise your child Catholic?

I recommend you speak to a Priest, and ask for his advice.

Lou

 

[Todd977]

…I can’t receive any sacraments unless I leave my boyfriend of 7 years (he refuses to marry) and take my young child with me…

Leaving your boyfriend is not absolutely necessary. You could continue to live with him and raise your child together and receive the sacraments, if you and your boyfriend stopped having sexual intercourse and lived as a brother and sister would until he marries you.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Thank you for asking and welcome to Catholic answers forums.

Your circumstances call for a delay in you being able to receive the Eucharist, however they don’t dictate that you have to choose between the faith and a father for your child at this current moment.

You can attend Mass, bring your 7-year old with you every Sunday, pray the rosary, read books, read the Bible together and grow in faith. Jesus loves you and your child so much, He wants to see you at Mass! Educate your child in the beauty of the faith! While it is true that your home life is not ideal, you still need to invite Jesus to walk with you just where you are and so does your child. Please don’t wait, hope this helps, God bless.

I really like this advice. I think first steps are going to Mass, learning more. Even though you cannot receive sacraments at this time you can still join RCIA. You can also talk to a priest about your situation. You have a lot to consider and it’s important that you are at peace with the decisions you are making. Wish you the best.

 

[Trident_H]

Well this sure looks like a dilemma at first. But is it really? I mean there are a lot of things I don’t know about this. A lot of things missing from my understanding of this situation. But I’d say a couple of things outweigh a couple other things.

First. You believe that your soul and the soul of your child are in mortal danger. But it’s cool if that just waits a while to fix up. Well that’s a bit odd. I don’t know. I think priorities are priorities. I think choices look like they’ve already been made for you. I don’t think getting our permission to do one thing or the other is going to help things. I mean you know what you should be doing. You know what’s important. And then you wonder if you should choose not to do it?

I don’t know. I guess that’s up to you.

Second. God’s no monster. He’s welcoming sinners at every turn. He does this all the time. So it shouldn’t be a really big surprise that God would be happy to see you come closer to him. In whatever state you’re in. Any closer movement’s a plus. Even if it’s not all the way. Because it shows a willingness. And that’s all God needs most times. Once He’s seen that willingness in you who knows what might happen. Your boyfriend might find any number of reasons to agree with you later. Once he sees what’s important to you. Once he realizes that you really care about this. So forward motion’s important. Leaving your existing relationship may not be as critical in this. As long as you progress by degrees. As long as you’re slow and steady in this and not just ready to make a permanent excuse.

So I wouldn’t leave your guy yet. I’d give a long window during which you can help him ease into this too. Because you’ve got a bit of a jump on him in thinking about this for a while like you’ve done. But time can help him come closer to that idea of commitment too. It can make it possible for him to listen and learn about what’s important. That way your conversion in this can serve as a witness to him too. So that maybe he can join you later.

Because I don’t think God would want your kid to grow up without a dad. I don’t think there’s anything a strong faith in God can’t overcome. So I don’t see why you can’t have a strong hope in the conversion of your boyfriend. In his relenting in this. So that you can be at ease in things going forward.

Peace alice.

-Trident

 

[slh3016]

I don’t have doubts about the truthfulness of the Catholic doctrine, however I can’t receive any sacraments unless I leave my boyfriend of 7 years (he refuses to marry) and take my young child with me, which I can’t do right now due to finances.

Either way, lately I’ve been wondering if it’s better to just wait until our child is an adult, so we can raise him together (we don’t argue and are generally happy), with a mom and father figure present every day or should I leave the household and raise my child as a single mom but with the church present in our life?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on the subject!

I sincerely don’t want to come across as uncharitable, but I think the old adage “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” may be applying here in your situation. Jesus loves you and wants more for you and your child than what you are living now.

Only you know your boyfriend (I’m also assuming the father of your child), so the real questions are:

1. How committed is HE to you and your child? IOW, will he “man up” if you insist that intimacy stops until he commits to you and your child (through marriage)?
2. Is the situation that you are in providing a good example to your child? Remember that creating a scandal is also a sin.
3. Jesus is beckoning you and your child toward Himself. You have to choose if you are going to move toward Him or stay hindered and bound by current situation. It won’t be easy, that is for sure, but the road that the Apostles and Saints walked weren’t necessarily easy roads either. Sin is messy and breaking free from the chains of it is hard and you cannot do that alone. You need Him and He wants to help you but you have to cooperate as He untangles the mess. Will you let Him or will you fight Him to stay in bound in it? We all have to give an account for our life and our life choices. Think long and hard about how that would look depending on the choice you make.

As for your child, obviously a two-parent home would be ideal. As others have stated, you may have to approach this situation as you and your boyfriend living chastely in the same residence until your child reaches adulthood. Praying for you as you face these tough decisions…

 

[alice_c]

Hi! I’ll try to answer some questions

It’s his child, but it came as a surprise, and what most wonderful surprise it was for me

As to why he refuses to marry he said he doesn’t believe in it, it’s a useless piece of paper, and marriage is for old fashioned ridiculous religious people. It’s funny as most of his friends are married and he always goes to the marriage ceremony because “if it’s important for them I want to be there for them”, yet when we talked about it, he blatantly refused to do so. Everything is fine for him as long as I don’t ask of him anything.

Only recently he started to actually play and have fun with our son because I told him how much it hurt me when he said our son would be his reason to leave, if he did so sometime. I told him our son was my reason to stay. So now he’s nice to him so I stay, I guess…

I think joining the church will be our rift, I believe that when I tell him I wish to become catholic it will be my ticket out the door, and I’m hoping to be able to be on my own financially by then as I don’t have any other family who could land me a hand.

I will try to contact the two nearest churches today about the RCIA program, although I wonder how usefull that will be considering the current situation?

 

[lemongrass80]

Anyone who tells their partner that they refuse to marry them because it’s just a meaningless piece of paper is either incredibly selfish, or lying.

If you truly believed it was just a piece of paper, and knew it was super important to your partner, why wouldn’t you just do it then? It’s a small effort for something that would mean everything to your partner.

Most likely he just doesn’t want to marry YOU. And if marriage is important to you, better to cut your loses now and find someone else who is willing to commit, regardless of what you decide to do with the church.

 

[pensmama87]

As to why he refuses to marry he said he doesn’t believe in it, it’s a useless piece of paper, and marriage is for old fashioned ridiculous religious people. It’s funny as most of his friends are married and he always goes to the marriage ceremony because “if it’s important for them I want to be there for them”, yet when we talked about it, he blatantly refused to do so. Everything is fine for him as long as I don’t ask of him anything.

That right there tells you - you do not marry this guy. He isn’t there for you and doesn’t see the need to be. He doesn’t prioritize you as the mother of his child. Marriage is not likely to change that even if he did relent.

Start looking for a new place to live. After that is when I’d try to find a parish (though of course feel free to attend Mass whenever you can in the meantime.) I just don’t think at this time it would be wise to put down a ton of roots close to where your boyfriend lives.

 

[1ke]

It’s his child, but it came as a surprise

Surprise! Sex leads to babies.

He wanted no strings, now he has strings.

Everything is fine for him as long as I don’t ask of him anything.

You can’t live like that forever.

Only recently he started to actually play and have fun with our son because I told him how much it hurt me when he said our son would be his reason to leave, if he did so sometime. I told him our son was my reason to stay. So now he’s nice to him so I stay, I guess…

He sounds like a selfish and immature person committed to neither you nor your son. He will stay around as long as it benefits him, and as long as you mind your place and don’t disrupt how HE wants things (never mind what you want that isn’t important). He will use the son HE co-created as his excuse to leave when he finds something (or someone) more interesting.

Wow, a real winner. Sorry, but he is not marriage material and you and your son deserve better.

I think joining the church will be our rift, I believe that when I tell him I wish to become catholic it will be my ticket out the door, and I’m hoping to be able to be on my own financially by then as I don’t have any other family who could land me a hand.

Plan carefully, act decisively.

I will try to contact the two nearest churches today about the RCIA program, although I wonder how usefull that will be considering the current situation?

Well, hopefully you will find a community of people who care and welcome you and help you in your time of need.

 

[maryjk]

As to why he refuses to marry he said he doesn’t believe in it, it’s a useless piece of paper, and marriage is for old fashioned ridiculous religious people. It’s funny as most of his friends are married and he always goes to the marriage ceremony because “if it’s important for them I want to be there for them”, yet when we talked about it, he blatantly refused to do so. Everything is fine for him as long as I don’t ask of him anything.

But if it is important to you, it doesn’t matter?

 

[slh3016]

Surprise! Sex leads to babies.

He wanted no strings, now he has strings.

You can’t live like that forever.

He sounds like a selfish and immature person committed to neither you nor your son. He will stay around as long as it benefits him, and as long as you mind your place and don’t disrupt how HE wants things (never mind what you want that isn’t important). He will use the son HE co-created as his excuse to leave when he finds something (or someone) more interesting.

Wow, a real winner. Sorry, but he is not marriage material and you and your son deserve better.

Plan carefully, act decisively.

Well, hopefully you will find a community of people who care and welcome you and help you in your time of need.

+1

 

[EasterJoy]

Hi! I’ll try to answer some questions

It’s his child, but it came as a surprise, and what most wonderful surprise it was for me

As to why he refuses to marry he said he doesn’t believe in it, it’s a useless piece of paper, and marriage is for old fashioned ridiculous religious people. It’s funny as most of his friends are married and he always goes to the marriage ceremony because “if it’s important for them I want to be there for them”, yet when we talked about it, he blatantly refused to do so. Everything is fine for him as long as I don’t ask of him anything.

Only recently he started to actually play and have fun with our son because I told him how much it hurt me when he said our son would be his reason to leave, if he did so sometime. I told him our son was my reason to stay. So now he’s nice to him so I stay, I guess…

I think joining the church will be our rift, I believe that when I tell him I wish to become catholic it will be my ticket out the door, and I’m hoping to be able to be on my own financially by then as I don’t have any other family who could land me a hand.

I will try to contact the two nearest churches today about the RCIA program, although I wonder how usefull that will be considering the current situation?

You need to point out to him that there is a reason that homosexuals have been fighting tooth and nail for the right to marry. Part of it has to do with the status of it, true, and your boyfriend is not wrong to care nothing for status. Part of it has to do with giving each other dozens of rights that parents ought to give to each other, and in the cheapest way possible. There are Social Security rights, tax rights, insurance rights, visitation rights, rights to mutual loyalty (such as limits on testimony against each other), parental rights, inheritance rights, trust law rights…it has been estimated that married couples can claim at least 1,000 privileges under Federal Law alone that unmarried couples cannot. When your employers move you, they’ll pay to move your spouse. They won’t pay to move your live-in roommates. They’ll sometimes help your spouse find a job. They won’t help a live-in roommate. They will offer to include your spouse on your health insurance. They won’t extend insurance benefits to a live-in roommate. Do I need to go on?

These are rights that you can’t give each other unless you are both alive and mentally capable. That can change in the course of a few seconds in an auto accident. Once you have explained all of that, ask him why he is really denying you what is objectively a VERY VALUABLE, IMPORTANT AND NECESSARY piece of paper!!!

I actually know a guy whose live-in girlfriend laid all this out to him who said, “oh. well, actually, you’re right. OK. Let’s get married!” They did, they are still married over 20 years later, and they have had need of many of the rights and privileges that come with civil marriage over those years.

Before you marry this guy, though, satisfy yourself that he actually does have an emotional connection to you and your son. Those who have expressed the concern that he shows signs of someone who does just enough to get use out others are raising a legitimate concern. I’d suggest you look up papers by Martha Stout. She writes about sociopaths, but you need to be concerned about how someone acts when he just doesn’t care. It isn’t your concern whether he is CAPABLE of caring or not (a sociopath can’t), but whether or not your child’s father DOES care about you and your son or not. If he does not, I would cut ties as soon as possible, and I would not listen to his ramped-up efforts to appear more caring than he is in order to keep the gravy train on the rails. A liar is going to lie and a user is going to use. If he has been using you, don’t wait around for him to change. He’s had his chance. Be wise for the sake of your son, and leave immediately. The chances that someone who has habitually and unapologetically used you will change are* extremely* low. Maybe he’ll wise up and change next time, but probably not for you.