Was i being selfish?

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angell1

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so there are a few situations that have happened lately which my mom tells me I’m a selfish person. I just wanted to get some objective perspective on it

the first one was a couple weeks ago, I had asked my dad to help me look over some maps for one of my courses and he agreed. but we had been away that weekend and had to go have dinner with one of my mom’s friends when we got back on sunday so by the time we got around to it, it was about 9:30 ish at night. I asked mmy dad if he was ok with helping me or if he wanted to go to bed since he had to work the next day and he said heh wanted to help me then. then my mom came in yelling and saying I was not letting him sleep and forcing him.

then this morning, she said she was feeling some heart palpitations so my dad and I went with her to the hospital. luckily, she got to see a nurse right away and my dad said he would drop me off at mass and that at least one of us should go and he would go back and stay with her. I even asked if she was ok with this and he said she was. then when I was done mass, apparently she was mad at me for going to church and not staying at the hospital. I know in this case, it probably would have been a just reason to not go but I didn’t think it would be a problem if my dad said he would stay

anyways, later on this afternoon, mmy dad mentioned how I still wante dto go to med school and how I didn’t want to be a teacher. she then said she was never forcing me to be a teacher, which she has been since a couple weeks ago, she threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn’t. I mentioned this and she said I was selfish for blaming her for my problems and causing the stress that made her have to go to the hospital.

another thing, she keeps saying how I should just graduate and get a job so I can make money to take of them when they’re old, which I do want to do but it’s all these expectations that are driving me crazy. somehow, if I don’t do exactly something she wants, then I’m apparently being selfish. and if I ever mention possibly moving out, then the guilt trip comes too.

I really try to be conscious of what I do and really don’t want to be selfish but I don’t know if I actually am or not.

also, to what extent does care of parents fall on the children? I know the catechism mentions we should do as much as we can but I don’t know how far that goes. if it were up to them, I’d be living at home for the rest of my life, using my income only to support them and nothing else. and if I do manage to get a job soon and one of them needs full time care, I don’t think i’ll be able to work and provide that care, I am an only child after all, I can’t do everything but that’s what they expect. it’s like I owe them for bringing me in to the world or something like that.

any thoughts would be appreciated. thanks
 
Ok. I’m going out on a limb here, because I don’t know the intricacies of your family. But, if it were me, I’d question the motive behind what she is saying.

Is she controlling? Is she insecure? Was she frightened about what was happening at the hospital? Does she question if you love her?

All, and more, are possibilities. Perhaps, a candid talk with your dad is in order. Or, if you think you and your mom can handle it candidly and delicately, that might be in order.

Anyway, second-guessing doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

Praying for your family and for your mom’s recovery.
 
your mother has some serious mental problems (based on your past posts) and you need to get away from her as soon as possible.
 
Angell1 is caught between two very distinct cultures, both with different value systems. Adding Catholicism to the mix can be like adding grease to a fire.

There is a double language that her parents speak that to Western minds, may seem controlling and dysfunctional.

Angell1, I think I understand a bit more about you and your situation now. I have experienced things from your perspective. Please feel free to PM me.

God bless you.
 
MarySB said:
Ok. I’m going out on a limb here, because I don’t know the intricacies of your family. But, if it were me, I’d question the motive behind what she is saying.

Is she controlling? Is she insecure? Was she frightened about what was happening at the hospital? Does she question if you love her?

All, and more, are possibilities. Perhaps, a candid talk with your dad is in order. Or, if you think you and your mom can handle it candidly and delicately, that might be in order.

Anyway, second-guessing doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

Praying for your family and for your mom’s recovery.
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all the above, and I’ve tried talking, doesn’t solve anything

she’s not always like this, but it can get pretty severe sometimes
 
:thumbsup:If it is any consolation many of the courses that you would need to take to be a doctor will also be required for pre-med. For now just go along with the program. As you are less at home and under your mother’s will you can change your course of study to fit your intents later… After all you will be in collage for the next four years. This will give everyone time to adjust…so to speak. Just be sure to study well and get good grades. You never know you just might wish to teach in four years or so. I will pray for you.
 
angell1 said:
all the above, and I’ve tried talking, doesn’t solve anything

she’s not always like this, but it can get pretty severe sometimes
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Angel1,
your mom is the problem not you. from your previous posts, she has some real mental issues. The sooner you can get away, the better you will be and no you are not being selfish. Your dad volunteered to help you, your mom had no business butting in and yelling at you. You should go into the career you desire, not her. There is nothing wrong with you.
 
mebcb said:
:thumbsup:If it is any consolation many of the courses that you would need to take to be a doctor will also be required for pre-med. For now just go along with the program. As you are less at home and under your mother’s will you can change your course of study to fit your intents later… After all you will be in collage for the next four years. This will give everyone time to adjust…so to speak. Just be sure to study well and get good grades. You never know you just might wish to teach in four years or so. I will pray for you.
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if only, I’m actually almost done college. nothing has changed
 
You have a right to live your own life, to move out and find a job or profession that appeals to you. Your parents may give you advice but not dictate to you.
You are not being selfish, in wanting to improve things for yourself and pursue the career of your choice. You owe your parents respect but not lifelong servitude.
If one of your parents needed full time care, the usual thing is for their child to pay someone to help them. If you can’t afford it, doesn’t Canada have some provision for older people? What if they had no children?
Most older people do not need full time care. That’s unusual, so hopefully it won’t be the case for your folks.
God bless,
 
angell1 said:
so there are a few situations that have happened lately which my mom tells me I’m a selfish person. I just wanted to get some objective perspective on it

the first one was a couple weeks ago, I had asked my dad to help me look over some maps for one of my courses and he agreed. but we had been away that weekend and had to go have dinner with one of my mom’s friends when we got back on sunday so by the time we got around to it, it was about 9:30 ish at night. I asked mmy dad if he was ok with helping me or if he wanted to go to bed since he had to work the next day and he said heh wanted to help me then. then my mom came in yelling and saying I was not letting him sleep and forcing him.

then this morning, she said she was feeling some heart palpitations so my dad and I went with her to the hospital. luckily, she got to see a nurse right away and my dad said he would drop me off at mass and that at least one of us should go and he would go back and stay with her. I even asked if she was ok with this and he said she was. then when I was done mass, apparently she was mad at me for going to church and not staying at the hospital. I know in this case, it probably would have been a just reason to not go but I didn’t think it would be a problem if my dad said he would stay

anyways, later on this afternoon, mmy dad mentioned how I still wante dto go to med school and how I didn’t want to be a teacher. she then said she was never forcing me to be a teacher, which she has been since a couple weeks ago, she threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn’t. I mentioned this and she said I was selfish for blaming her for my problems and causing the stress that made her have to go to the hospital.

another thing, she keeps saying how I should just graduate and get a job so I can make money to take of them when they’re old, which I do want to do but it’s all these expectations that are driving me crazy. somehow, if I don’t do exactly something she wants, then I’m apparently being selfish. and if I ever mention possibly moving out, then the guilt trip comes too.

I really try to be conscious of what I do and really don’t want to be selfish but I don’t know if I actually am or not.

also, to what extent does care of parents fall on the children? I know the catechism mentions we should do as much as we can but I don’t know how far that goes. if it were up to them, I’d be living at home for the rest of my life, using my income only to support them and nothing else. and if I do manage to get a job soon and one of them needs full time care, I don’t think i’ll be able to work and provide that care, I am an only child after all, I can’t do everything but that’s what they expect. it’s like I owe them for bringing me in to the world or something like that.

any thoughts would be appreciated. thanks
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You should choose your own vocation and pray for your mother. You may have to move out if you choose to become a doctor, if your mother truly meant her threat. God bless you.
 
bisco said:
angel, are you their only child?
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Yes, she is. continue to pray for her, she is in a difficult situation and I think CAF has been a hugh help for her. It’s kinda sad to but for too many, the only help they get is on the internet in places like CAF to give advice, counsel, help and sanity.
 
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