Was I disrespectful?

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Glutamine

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Ok. I wanted people’s opinions on the situation that happened to me this past Sunday.

I was in California this past weekend for my brother’s weekend. On Sunday, there was a get-together at my aunt’s (from my father’s side) place. Upon arrival, I barely sat down for two minutes before I was offered a beer. Since I don’t drink, I said I don’t drink cause I don’t like the taste of beer. One of my cousins said he respected my decision. It became an issue as one of my other relatives (late 30’s, male), then said, guys who don’t drink must like boys (i’m 23). I was shocked that he said this considering that he doesn’t even know me. We’re related but i’ve had about 2 minutes conversation with him my entire life. I felt that he was attacking who I was. Anyways, I responded with, “You may think what you will of me. I don’t have to defend myself against you. You imply that i’m gay when you don’t really know who i am. I don’t think bad of you in any way. Just remember, that in the end, God will judge all of us.” I said this with a slightly elevated voice.

Now, I hear one of my relatives say that I was being disrespectful. And my dad said I should have just gotten up and left the table. I couldn’t get a clear answer out of him, but I believe he thinks I was being disrespectful too. Everyone seems to think that he was joking and that that is the kind of guy he is and that he jokes with everybody. My thinking is, that’s fine, but he doesn’t know me. I barely sat down for 2 minutes, before he said what he said.

Reflecting back, the best thing probably would have been to just leave the table. However, I don’t think what I said was disrespectful at all. I am Vietnamese, and respecting our elders is an important issue. We’re expected to just take whatever is said to us and never talk back. That’s fine and all, but I don’t think his comments were appropriate for the situation. (No one including my dad, seems to agree with me here, as they all just say that that’s the kind of guy he is). As well, people think that I was disrespectful, which as I said, I do not believe my words or actions had any disrespect in them. Considering his comments, I felt justified in saying what I said.

What does everyone else think?
 
Glutamine said:
“You may think what you will of me. I don’t have to defend myself against you. You imply that i’m gay when you don’t really know who i am. I don’t think bad of you in any way. Just remember, that in the end, God will judge all of us.”

This does not sound disrespectful to me. But it may have been your tone that your father found disrespectful. I was not there, so I do not know.

But I do agree that people should not be allowed to be rude under the disguise of humor.

🙂 Lilder
 
I think you were fine. I don’t see any disrespect. In fact, I like what you said. I think you spoke with class.
 
Hmmm to be honest I think you were a little too easy on him

I understand your culture, but I don’t understand why someone should merit more respect than anyone else due soley to their chronological age

Just because he is 15 year older does not give him a right to challenge your masculinity because you are smart enough not to imbibe a toxic substance. He was putting pressure on you to use alcohol and that in of itself is wrong. You have every right to stand up to him, maybe even a duty.

Now, I am not saying that you land a right hook to his jaw (although I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did), but your response was appropriate.

I, in my sinfulness, probably would have responded in kind with some derogatory name-calling regarding his lack of intelligence and the size of his beer gut, but I probably would have to go to confession after.
 
Well, I’m not sure how I’d deal with Vietnamese tradition, but if it were me, I would have said, “In my experience, guys who drink to prove their manhood have a secrect stash of Ken dolls in their truck boxes…”

But that’s just me.

Honestly, the situation would never arise with me because I’m usually the guy tapping the keg. (And I don’t have a stash of Ken dolls in my truck box.
 
In my family, you weren’t out of line… although there is the “methinks he doth protest too much” aspect you’d want to avoid. On the other hand, everyone would be relieved if you had passed over his rudeness in an effort to keep the gathering jovial.

In yours, probably glancing at him with a look suggesting that he had a screw loose and conspicuously starting a light-hearted conversation with someone else (preferably the cousin who backed you) would have been a strong enough retort. Had he pursued it, you might have laughed and said, “Are you still on that? I thought that had to be a joke. You give beer too much credit!!” And back to your other conversation.
 
Thanks to all who replied. Concerning my tone, I did speak louder than usual, but the tone was along the lines of feeling something like this: " Hey, I don’t have to be insulted like this. I’ll tell it like it is, kind of way. " I defintely wasn’t screaming.

It just bugs me that my dad thinks I handled the situation wrongly. He says I should’ve left the table. In an ideal case, I would agree with him. However, I also don’t think the way that I dealt with the situation was wrong. If anything, I felt my dad should have stepped in and said something. But my dad would never do that for fear of alienating his family. After talking with my dad, I felt somewhat guilty of my actions, but once more, I’m feeling more assured in how I dealt with the situation.
 
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Glutamine:
Concerning my tone, I did speak louder than usual, but the tone was along the lines of feeling something like this: " Hey, I don’t have to be insulted like this. I’ll tell it like it is, kind of way. " I defintely wasn’t screaming.
Your life will be easier if you don’t let loudmouths have that kind of access to your red buttons. Big guys have to learn this if they want to have any peace in bars, because every little drunk with something to prove is going to try to pick a fight with the biggest guy they see. The same goes with the police. If you’re on high ground, don’t duck the snipers who have no ammunition. (Besides, nothing deflates the little banties like being laughed at or ignored.)
 
I think you over-reacted. It sounds like he was goofing around (though granted in poor taste).
 
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SHEMP:
I think you over-reacted. It sounds like he was goofing around (though granted in poor taste).
Do you think my over-reaction was disrespectful though?
 
I don’t agree with your father in this case, but I do respect his right to be your father.

For me, after another man had directly cast doubt on my manhood, there is no way I am going to implicitly accept his judgment by meekly standing up and walking away from it. For me, that would practically provide additional proof of the point he’d just made. But that is just the thick-headed Irishman in me who grew up being taught to never walk away from a fight. It wasn’t OK to start a fight, but we were expected to finish it. So consider the source.

However, life is too short and sons and fathers are too easily estranged. I would accept this as part of who your father is, and acquiesce to him this time. Do so with love, and then let it go.

FWIW, in my experience, the guys who have the biggest mouth about other people’s drinking are often someone who has a budding alcohol problem themself.
 
I think the point is that the rest of your family thinks you were disrespectful.

What difference does it make what we all think? They are your family and if you stepped on some toes you should probably make amends. You can wrap yourself up in the idea you were right and he was wrong but if the people who know you all and who were there think you were in the wrong it would be smart to listen to them. Self righteousness is rarely attractive.

-D
 
Glutamine,
I’m stepping out on a limb here when I say (and I’m just guessing) the individuals who have already responded with “not disrespectful” are Americans. As to am I. However, I have spent several years in that culture.

Whereas the words you chose were not disrespectful, the idea that you would correct an elder (older member of the family) is disrespectful.

You are not of his peir group and therefore not allowed to correct him. He could right out say that the sky is green and the grass is blue and there is nothing you can say to correct him.

Now you have a problem. To save face, you HAVE to go back to him and appologize. YES appologize for offending him. SImply say something to the effect, “Uncle, I am sorry if I have said or done anything that has disrespected you.”

Your actions directly reflect how the other members of the family see your father to whome you must also appologize. Use the above and add, “…or has brought shame to the family.”

AND NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY BACK TO YOU…take it and keep the family peace. I guess your uncle will probably attack again, to wit you just keep appologizing.

The problem with what you said is that you sounded like an American and you can’t do that with asians.

May God bless you and give you the courage to do what is right.
 
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darcee:
I think the point is that the rest of your family thinks you were disrespectful.

What difference does it make what we all think? They are your family and if you stepped on some toes you should probably make amends. You can wrap yourself up in the idea you were right and he was wrong but if the people who know you all and who were there think you were in the wrong it would be smart to listen to them. Self righteousness is rarely attractive.

-D
Maybe they ought to make amends with him. Just because they are his family does not make them right.

I dont think he is being self-righteous. He is just looking for an objective view by someone who is not influenced by the guilt/power in his family structure.
 
Apologise, you don’t have to mean it and you don’t have to think they are right. Its just the right thing to do.

I don’t think the fault lies completely with either of you…I am sure it was alot of tempers that caused this
 
I’m 23 also. I think the relative was a jerk to you but you should have kept quiet and maybe mentioned something to him later on in private. It’s all water under the bridge now and I’d stop worrying about it. We don’t want to hinder on everything and become overly scrupulous.

What would I have done in that situation? Probably just drank the darn beer. Beer is great!
 
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pittsburghjeff:
Maybe they ought to make amends with him. Just because they are his family does not make them right.

I dont think he is being self-righteous. He is just looking for an objective view by someone who is not influenced by the guilt/power in his family structure.
In family situations there is more to acting right then being right. This idea that you can say anything to anyone and as long as you are right it is ok is destructive to relationships of all kinds.

If his family* who were there* think he was disrespectful then he probably was. This isn’t about rightness or wrongness it is about acting right and respectfully and politely.

-D
 
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Glutamine:
Ok. I wanted people’s opinions on the situation that happened to me this past Sunday.

I was in California this past weekend for my brother’s weekend. On Sunday, there was a get-together at my aunt’s (from my father’s side) place. Upon arrival, I barely sat down for two minutes before I was offered a beer. Since I don’t drink, I said I don’t drink cause I don’t like the taste of beer. One of my cousins said he respected my decision. It became an issue as one of my other relatives (late 30’s, male), then said, guys who don’t drink must like boys (i’m 23). I was shocked that he said this considering that he doesn’t even know me. We’re related but i’ve had about 2 minutes conversation with him my entire life. I felt that he was attacking who I was. Anyways, I responded with, “You may think what you will of me. I don’t have to defend myself against you. You imply that i’m gay when you don’t really know who i am. I don’t think bad of you in any way. Just remember, that in the end, God will judge all of us.” I said this with a slightly elevated voice.

Now, I hear one of my relatives say that I was being disrespectful. And my dad said I should have just gotten up and left the table. I couldn’t get a clear answer out of him, but I believe he thinks I was being disrespectful too. Everyone seems to think that he was joking and that that is the kind of guy he is and that he jokes with everybody. My thinking is, that’s fine, but he doesn’t know me. I barely sat down for 2 minutes, before he said what he said.

Reflecting back, the best thing probably would have been to just leave the table. However, I don’t think what I said was disrespectful at all. I am Vietnamese, and respecting our elders is an important issue. We’re expected to just take whatever is said to us and never talk back. That’s fine and all, but I don’t think his comments were appropriate for the situation. (No one including my dad, seems to agree with me here, as they all just say that that’s the kind of guy he is). As well, people think that I was disrespectful, which as I said, I do not believe my words or actions had any disrespect in them. Considering his comments, I felt justified in saying what I said.

What does everyone else think?
As they say in NY…“I think he was just bustin’ your chops.”

As soon as he said, “Guys who don’t drink must like boys.”
I would have said, “Come ovah here you sexah thang and sit by momma!”
 
Glutamine:

You’re not done with this one, nor should you be.

If you determine you were disrespectful - what do you do? Merely suck it up and apologize even though you feel it was a two-way disrespectful street? Or do you get your male relative alone (during the day when he probably has not been drinking) and talk it out - I know, you are both males and don’t get talky (ha, ha). But I think you are wanting to have some kind of conversation with this guy that is not necessilary an apology but just an opportunity for the both of you to give your side of the story. And how about that father of yours - in a perfect world he would have defended you to the relative and then that would have put your relative on the spot to apologize to your father whom I presume is an elder to him!! So is there a part of you that would like to have that same matter-of-fact conversation with your dad?

Even though you are the younger, if you decide that this kind of conversation is the way you want to go, remember you would be the leader - it is possible that neither your male relative nor your father have had this kind of conversation with someone (other than maybe a spouse) before.
 
Ok here are just a few thoughts from someone not quite twice your age:

The comment about liking boys is so ridiculous and innappropriate that he could only have meant it as a joke. His intentions were probably good but he’s apparently too stupid to realize that that comment is not the best one to lead off with or, believe it or not, he may actually have felt a little uneasy and thought this “funny” comment would break the ice. The reason you were unable to see this comment for what it was is because you’re only 23, you were in an unfamiliar situation(don’t really know him), you felt a little vulnerable (he’s a little older), and you still care too much what other people think. This is all perfectly normal. I can honestly tell you that I remember getting into situations like this when I was your age, but I cant really remember any of the details - it’s irrelevant now. The same will happen to you eventually. There is a lot of wisdom in what your dad said: just walk away.
*
The big question for you now is this: **Now that you realize that this guy was probably joking (his motive was good) don’t you owe him an apology? **Don’t even think about whether he owes you one, whether what he said was appropriate or not - it’s irrelevant! Was there the slightest bit of pride which produced your condemnation of your relative? Well what do you think the “God (who) will judge all of us” would say? I think he’d say that he who humbles himself will be exaulted.
 
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