Was I wrong?/Stepmother issue

[Mom_of_one]

We had my son’s birthday party on Sunday. (His birthday was actually the 17th, but we planned a trip for him to visit grandpa in New Jersey for this week, so we had the party early) We had the party at my son’s dad’s house. Well, stepmom pretty much took over everything----told him that he could take his birthday money to NJ before I could say anything, told him that he could wear a shirt that I had said I didn’t want him to have and that I was going to return, opened his presents and cards with him, while I sat off to the side, and didn’t even read all of my birthday card to him. I didn’t say anything then because I didn’t want to have an argument at his birthday party(and because I was so upset I didn’t trust myself to be calm and rational) But I had planned on saying something later to my son’s father. I was trying to believe the best—that she just wasn’t thinking. She is just so used to doing things and getting them done. Then, I opened my son’s door a little later to see if his shirt was on his bed and I found some clothes that were my son’s and that I hadn’t seen in a while. These were clothes I bought him. So I started checking the sizes to see if they would still fit and began folding them. Then I said, “Oh, here’s his backpack. I haven’t seen that in a while.” ( Before I go on I should let you know that they were having the old rug in their living room pulled up and a new one installed, so a bunch of their stuff was in my son’s bedroom. I thought it was knick-knacks and books, not anything personal like underwear, so I really didn’t think that it was a problem) I was pretty much standing in the doorway anyway.
The next thing I heard was the door slam and she was storming off outside, claiming very loudly and in an angry tone of voice in front of everybody that was still there that I was going into her house going through her stuff! Excuse me? This was my son’s stuff, not hers. If I did anything wrong, it was only because I wasn’t thinking.

**Was I wrong to try to get my son’s stuff from his bedroom? I am always asking them for his clothes and I haven’t seen these in at least 4 months. **

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**Also, prayer for me(because I am very angry) and prayer for them would be much appreciated. Any advice is welcomed, too. **

 

[La_Chiara]

It sure sounds like you are dealing with a difficult person in a very awkward situation. Being at your son’s dad and stepmother’s house has to be very, very awkward. You handled it the best you could under the circumstances. I think you should try not to explain too much–“you were gathering up your son’s clothes” is all you need to say. Getting deeper into what you did or did not do, will only get this woman all riled up. Since your son must be very young, you will probably continue to have awkward dealings with his dad and stepmom. For your sanity, try to stay calm and keep your interactions to the minimum possible, as you did this time. Take care.

 

[auppie]

La Chiara:

I think you should try not to explain too much–“you were gathering up your son’s clothes” is all you need to say. Getting deeper into what you did or did not do, will only get this woman all riled up.

I agree…this is all you have to say.

I’m sure the stepmom feels as awkward as you, and her actions may have been made out of nervousness.

If it were me with regard to the opening of presents/cards, I probably would have stepped up early on when the stepmom was “doing everything” if I wanted to participate more.

After the stepmom made the comment about taking the birthday money to NJ with them…I would have approached both dad and stepmom, alone, and say that this was inappropriate to say without discussion with the three of you; at least with you and your son’s father. Same situation with the clothes.

Since it seems you all will be part of your son’s life, it would be best to make your wishes known as soon as possible to all parties and discuss them (not demand) the best solutions now to avoid patterns in the future, when it would be harder to change.

Good luck and God Bless!

 

[Forest-Pine]

As a child of divorce, it was my good fortune to have two of every holiday. This was about one of the only good things! Neither celebration was more diminished or reliqueshed to secondary status. Neither knew what the other did (re: decorations, etc) so they weren’t “competing.” For instance, we spent Christmas break with our father one year and Thanksgiving break the next. For Thanksgiving years, we would have Thanksgiving on Thursday and then Christmas on Sunday. Our aunts, uncles, grandparents, all were there and we got our Christmas gifts. The next year we would have Christmas with Mom before heading off to Dad’s.

This is obviously going to turn into a competition. Nip it in the bud before it gets there. For her to automatically say you are going through their things, the wife obviously doesn’t think too highly of you. Dad might have encouraged these thoughts, maybe not. They might be warranted, maybe not. All you can do is stand up straight and do everything right and anticipate such problems and do all you can to minimize them before they come about. It will save your son from seeing the animosity and he’ll never think much about the seperate celebrations.

 

[Mom_of_one]

Forest-Pine:

As a child of divorce, it was my good fortune to have two of every holiday. This was about one of the only good things! Neither celebration was more diminished or reliqueshed to secondary status. Neither knew what the other did (re: decorations, etc) so they weren’t “competing.” For instance, we spent Christmas break with our father one year and Thanksgiving break the next. For Thanksgiving years, we would have Thanksgiving on Thursday and then Christmas on Sunday. Our aunts, uncles, grandparents, all were there and we got our Christmas gifts. The next year we would have Christmas with Mom before heading off to Dad’s.
We have the holidays seperated kinda of like that.

This is obviously going to turn into a competition. Nip it in the bud before it gets there. For her to automatically say you are going through their things, the wife obviously doesn’t think too highly of you. I’m begining to think that she is jealous. He and I spent alot of time just talking that day. Dad might have encouraged these thoughts, maybe not. He probably did. Before he went on some serious medication, he was fairly abusive. And she enabled him to be this way. Now that he’s calmer, he’s easier to deal with. They might be warranted, maybe not. All you can do is stand up straight and do everything right and anticipate such problems and do all you can to minimize them before they come about. It will save your son from seeing the animosity and he’ll never think much about the seperate celebrations.

 

[geojack]

Her house? Son’s room? Who has custody? If he lives in her house and she is raising him you are wrong. If he just has a room for when he stays there the step mother is wrong.

 

[Mom_of_one]

geojack:

Her house? Son’s room? Who has custody? If he lives in her house and she is raising him you are wrong. If he just has a room for when he stays there the step mother is wrong.

I have custody. And these were things that I bought him. But the room at daddy’s house is considered his room.

 

[otm]

There is no point in a fight in front of you son; no one gains and everyone loses.

You either need to have it out with the "wicked witch of the West, or find a different way of dealing with situations - specifically, how to deal with holidays, her control issues, etc.

you were in their home, which is her castle. She is going to run things there, right or wrong, so you need to decide either to not go there for any extended period of time - like birthdays, or continue to put yourself in an awkward, ambivilent position.

If you were not specifically invited into his room, that is, he did not invite you in, then I would say that it would have been better if you did not go there; it is their home, not yours, and while he is your son, it is his room at his dad’s house, not your house.

You may wish to explore why the clothes, backpack, etc, have been staying there. There could be any number of reasons why; he could be truly forgetful; he could be playing games with them (wears what mom gets him at dad’s house), may want to have some things there of his own permanently because he only visits, and it makes it seem like his room. If dad picks him up and delivers him, and stuff “gets lost behind” and that is bugging you, flip who delivers or picks him up and do a “clothes count”, if it is that big a deal.

To a certain extent, it sounds like you set yourself up; I doubt this is the first time that she has had at you. If so, you need to either change your behavior patterns, or attitudes, or endure the same stuff.

Did you file or did dad?

 

[Tietjen]

**Was I wrong to try to get my son’s stuff from his bedroom? I am always asking them for his clothes and I haven’t seen these in at least 4 months. **

**Also, prayer for me(because I am very angry) and prayer for them would be much appreciated. Any advice is welcomed, too. **

Two things… first it sounds as though she feels threatened by your presence (thus the uncontroled lashing out by yelling instead of simply talking to you privately about it). Secondly, it sounds as though she has a control issue. You did well and it sounds as you behaved like an adult. She on the other hand… it sounds as though your son’s father picked a winner.

 

[Mom_of_one]

Well, I got the news today that stepmom is pregnant. My exBF told me that she wants to talk to me about the events of the birthday party and that she was very crabby because she was pregnant. So, we’ll see what happens later.

I also hope that I talked him out of getting a vasectomy. He told me that he was going to have one.

 

[Mom_of_5]

I can relate to this situation. My step-daughter lived with us, full time, visited her mom once a year for two weeks. (Mom moved 2000 mi. away to be with boyfriend, whom she eventually married and has since divorced and is on her 3rd marriage presently , since she left my husband.) When Susie graduated for highschool, her mom and hubby came for the graduation. While I was at work, her mom came to our home, went through closets, washed clothes in my laundry room and pretty much made herself at home. I had never met her before. I gave the graduation party. Her “mom” acted like the “mom of the year”, helping Susie open gifts, ect. This was in our home. I sat back and let her have her fun. Everyone knew I had been the “caregiver mom” for the past 4 years, had prepared food and sent invitations for the party. I did complain to my husband. I felt very uncomfortable and very “controlled”. He told me to let “mom” have her way, she was leaving soon anyway, and so I did. Sometimes it is just better to go along with the situation and consider that “this too shall pass”. I say never go into a room at “ex” house unless you ask permission. Don’t take over a situation, sit back and let the lady of the house be the host. You might ask ahead of time if you can “help”, co-host. The child did not create the situation, adults did. Try to talk about everyting with “mom” and dad ahead of time. Keep the peace.

Love and peace
Mom of 5

 

[Eliza10]

The following is my opinion of the situation:

It sounds like boundary issues. She is a person quick to walk on people’s boundaries and you are one to allow your boundaries to be stepped on - you don’t defend them. Unless you learn to defend your place - especially your place as your son’s mother - then you will be replaying this over and over, and you will always be walked on by her. Expect it to get much worse. If anything is going to be different, its you that has to change. Otherwise you have to take what you get, and it will be more of this.

Change is never comfortable. Your son needs to see you take charge so he knows you are the person he should be honoring as mother. Otherwise he will grow up not honor the command to honor his mother. He is making his habits now, and they will be much harder to change later. You can’t wait for the stepmother to teach your son that.

And its not realistic - and not right, to expect your ex to stand up for you. It is just going to cause him strife with his new wife, and make her angrier towards you - it will work against you. So its just you. You should have done what it took to make sure you were heping your son open the packages. By sitting there silently, you were saying it was okay with you - I’m no one of any consequence. If there is no place for you, no one to trade seats with, you could stand up beside your son and get involved in the process. Even if you had to squeeeze against the wall for a place. You could have picked up the card you wrote and said, “You didn’t finish it!” and finished it yourself. One stepmom learns that you wil be Mom to your son, she will back off. After she tests you a bit.

You could have walked back outside and said in front of everyone, “Here are those clothes I bought my son that I have been asking and asking you for! And his backpack! Thank you for laying them out fo me. I am so glad to have found them!”

Learn about defending your boundaries and being more assertive. Your son will only benefit by haivng a Mom who knows her place.

Don’t act catty or mean, just totally assertive about your place as Mom, your son, your stuff. No one will like you asserting yourself at first if they are used to you being a little mouse. But they will get ued to it, and then they will show you respect. And don’t expect to ever be her friend. Just strive to get along in a polite and businesslike manner.

Think about how Jesus defended his boundaries in the Temple. He was meek, kind, loving, serivng. But he defended His temple!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Might I sugesst the following, as one who has “been there”:

*As somebody said, if the clothes issue is that important, as in needing the clothes to wear at other times when the boy is with you, make a list of what your son took with him when he goes to visit Dad. PRIOR TO THE VISIT, explain to your son’s father that you need the clothes back (he wears them to school, he doesn’t have many others, you’re trying to do your best with the child support he pays, etc.). At the pick-up, show the ex the list. In fact, make him a copy. BE CIVIL AND CALM. At the drop-off, don’t allow ex to get away until the items have been checked. Ask for the return of the clothes if they are not there- set a date for it, within a couple days, at YOUR convenience. If it’s simple forgetfulness, then you’ve made your point. If it’s willful aggravation, you are building evidence to take to an attorney and then court. Why? Because you are going to have to do it a few times before anybody will take it seriously.

• I know there are people out there who think that everybody can get along all the time in these broken relationships. They can’t, even for the sake of the children. If they could, the original couple would still be together. If you are one of those people who simply can’t, or your son’s stepmother is one of those people who can’t, or your ex for that matter, please don’t expose yourself to situations where you end up in these exhibitions. Two birthdays without rancor is a lot better than one big happy birthday where all the adults are smiling through clenched teeth, and there is eventual screaming and shouting. If you have to do it, make an appointment with your ex to discuss the situation. Spell it out on paper and file it in court as an agreed arrangement, if necessary, even if it means that you have to spell out the clothes are returned and the kid spends his exact birthdate every other year with Dad.
• Pick your battles. I would have been all over the money one in a heartbeat. In fact, I would have ade it crystal clear to Junior that the money was NOT going to NJ. Because it was their house, even though it was your son’s room, I would have waited on the clothes.
• You are his mother. Ex is his father. Stepmom has to learn to tread carefully. After all, she doesn’t know if she will ever be in the same position.
  *Pray for them all.:twocents:

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Eliza10:

The following is my opinion of the situation:

It sounds like boundary issues. She is a person quick to walk on people’s boundaries and you are one to allow your boundaries to be stepped on - you don’t defend them. Unless you learn to defend your place - especially your place as your son’s mother - then you will be replaying this over and over, and you will always be walked on by her. Expect it to get much worse. If anything is going to be different, its you that has to change. Otherwise you have to take what you get, and it will be more of this.

Change is never comfortable. Your son needs to see you take charge so he knows you are the person he should be honoring as mother. Otherwise he will grow up not honor the command to honor his mother. He is making his habits now, and they will be much harder to change later. You can’t wait for the stepmother to teach your son that.

And its not realistic - and not right, to expect your ex to stand up for you. It is just going to cause him strife with his new wife, and make her angrier towards you - it will work against you. So its just you. You should have done what it took to make sure you were heping your son open the packages. By sitting there silently, you were saying it was okay with you - I’m no one of any consequence. If there is no place for you, no one to trade seats with, you could stand up beside your son and get involved in the process. Even if you had to squeeeze against the wall for a place. You could have picked up the card you wrote and said, “You didn’t finish it!” and finished it yourself. One stepmom learns that you wil be Mom to your son, she will back off. After she tests you a bit.

You could have walked back outside and said in front of everyone, “Here are those clothes I bought my son that I have been asking and asking you for! And his backpack! Thank you for laying them out fo me. I am so glad to have found them!”

Learn about defending your boundaries and being more assertive. Your son will only benefit by haivng a Mom who knows her place.

Don’t act catty or mean, just totally assertive about your place as Mom, your son, your stuff. No one will like you asserting yourself at first if they are used to you being a little mouse. But they will get ued to it, and then they will show you respect. And don’t expect to ever be her friend. Just strive to get along in a polite and businesslike manner.

Think about how Jesus defended his boundaries in the Temple. He was meek, kind, loving, serivng. But he defended His temple!

BRAVA!!!:clapping: Especially the part about not being her friend. Ain’t happenin’. She’s the present of your ex.

 

[Mom_of_one]

Since I hate it when there are no updates to a situation that someone posts about, I decided to let you all know what happened.

I got an apology from stepmom. Apparently, dad told her she was acting less than appropriately and that she needed to apologize to me. She thought about it, realized he was right, and apologized. :bigyikes: I was totally shocked.

 

[La_Chiara]

Momofone:

Since I hate it when there are no updates to a situation that someone posts about, I decided to let you all know what happened.

I got an apology from stepmom. Apparently, dad told her she was acting less than appropriately and that she needed to apologize to me. She thought about it, realized he was right, and apologized. :bigyikes: I was totally shocked.

Wow, I can imagine you were shocked. Too few people would apologize, no matter how wrong they were. So it says a lot that the dad told her she was wrong and that she actually apologized. Perhaps there is hope for civil relations among the three adults in your son’s life! What a relief for you.

 

[tkdnick]

Mom of one:

Since I hate it when there are no updates to a situation that someone posts about, I decided to let you all know what happened.

I got an apology from stepmom. Apparently, dad told her she was acting less than appropriately and that she needed to apologize to me. She thought about it, realized he was right, and apologized. :bigyikes: I was totally shocked.

Glad to hear things worked out!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Mom of one:

Since I hate it when there are no updates to a situation that someone posts about, I decided to let you all know what happened.

I got an apology from stepmom. Apparently, dad told her she was acting less than appropriately and that she needed to apologize to me. She thought about it, realized he was right, and apologized. :bigyikes: I was totally shocked.

:bigyikes: I too am in shock!!! I guess all that prayer worked!!!

Still, Sweetie, be careful with her.

 

[Mom_of_one]

:bigyikes: I too am in shock!!! I guess all that prayer worked!!!

Still, Sweetie, be careful with her.

Of course. Any woman that tells the cops that she is concerned that I am abusing my child when I was very clearly playing with him needs to be held at arms length. (even the cop didn’t believe it. You should have seen him roll his eyes while he was here!) Any woman that shrugs her shoulders when told her intended verbally abused me and threatend me needs to be held at arms length. Any woman that says she is going to have their daughter baptized and there is “Nothing he can do about it” and not only has she not done it, she proceeded to lie to my son and say that she didn’t believe in God when her husband was around, after telling me, in front of my son that she did believe in God, needs to be held at arms length.

 

[tkdnick]

Mom of one:

Of course. Any woman that tells the cops that she is concerned that I am abusing my child when I was very clearly playing with him needs to be held at arms length. (even the cop didn’t believe it. You should have seen him roll his eyes while he was here!) Any woman that shrugs her shoulders when told her intended verbally abused me and threatend me needs to be held at arms length. Any woman that says she is going to have their daughter baptized and there is “Nothing he can do about it” and not only has she not done it, she proceeded to lie to my son and say that she didn’t believe in God when her husband was around, after telling me, in front of my son that she did believe in God, needs to be held at arms length.

My goodness! This sounds like a terrible situation you’re in!