W
whatevergirl
Guest
Okay, I see your question now…what limit do you mean…on having sex? You mean boundaries? I am lost, sorry.
- Status
B
belovedandbless
Guest
)
Thank you for the apology. And I hear you about men who want to marry propose. For both him and me, this serious realtionship thing is unexpected. We are both late bloomers (I only started to go to college at 26 after a rough life, he was focused after his education on migrating here). I envisioned my life after college as being the more or less the single career gal with me finally being able to do something financiallythat I wasn’t able to before…(travel, have a car, Master’s degree) In fact I was seriously considering and wondering if my vocation was the single life.He has NEVER had a relationship before. That being said this thing took us both by surprise.
So in a sense it is like we are a stage behind and experiencing in our 30’s what most people do in their 20’s. While I asked him to take a year and decide, I have already factored in the possibility that I may have to move on. Asking him for a timetable is not without ambivalence becuase marriage means babies ( and a possibly complicated preganacy)and I sitll have an obligation to my country for a few years post graduation.
So I am caught in a kind of developmental mix-up (through no fault of my own) and so is he. I asked for a year becuase we BOTH have decisions to make and both have to figure out what is really God’s will for us. I was not balking at whether or not we get married, it was the lack of a timetable for a decision that was bothering me.
B
belovedandbless
Guest
Whatver girl,
The limit set was the one year to decide wehther or not to go forward into marriage mode or to quit.
The limit set was the one year to decide wehther or not to go forward into marriage mode or to quit.
B
belovedandbless
Guest
and relationship timetable for al those who mis-read…
three months together then a six month separation and now three months back together.
three months together then a six month separation and now three months back together.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
*Okay! Got it now. lol
I don’t think one year is ‘‘wrong,’’ but maybe a little long…6 months should be enough to decipher things, one might think. But, your situation is unique to yourselves…but are you wrong? No, I don’t think so. Since you broke it off, and then you’re on again…it might be prudent to date for that timeframe, and then see where you are in a year. *
C
chevalier
Guest
Yup. Half a year of a relationship for people who have known each other for a year or less, with a three months total break, doesn’t sound like a period after which one already should know if he wants to marry. Adding another year provides enough time, though, I think.
In theory, if I knew it were the the keeper, I would have no qualms proposing on the very day I met her. On the other hand, if I had to make a pros and cons decision based on observation, I don’t think six months would be enough, especially with a break-up in the middle. It would feel too imprudent to make that decision so fast, so if I got an ultimatum like take it or leave it, I probably would let the woman go (also considering that if she made me pick fast, I would end up feeling coerced, which wouldn’t be a good foundation for bonding). It depends on how often you meet, how much you talk, how much information you receive from each other from the conversations and from behaviour.
In theory, if I knew it were the the keeper, I would have no qualms proposing on the very day I met her. On the other hand, if I had to make a pros and cons decision based on observation, I don’t think six months would be enough, especially with a break-up in the middle. It would feel too imprudent to make that decision so fast, so if I got an ultimatum like take it or leave it, I probably would let the woman go (also considering that if she made me pick fast, I would end up feeling coerced, which wouldn’t be a good foundation for bonding). It depends on how often you meet, how much you talk, how much information you receive from each other from the conversations and from behaviour.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
*Perhaps this is the romantic in me, but I don’t think that I’d feel all that great about things, if I had to throw a deadline out there, to see if a man wanted to marry me or not. I think that the best relationships just flow…they ebb and flow, but they flow…and while one has to be practical…I think that belovedandbless knows already that she wants to marry this man (from her posts) and that the guy she is dating is not sure. That right there tells me that deadline is more for him, than you, beloved. It is your choice, but that’s just the romantic in me…I find setting deadlines necessary, for things that are a little more sterile. Spending my life with someone–I’d want that person to not need a deadline, and rather we date, and then naturally it unfolds, if we would be right for each other in marriage.
That’s just me, though. I lean back on my prior post…that men who can see futures with the women they are dating, don’t need to be prodded and poked…and given deadlines. I would really trust your gut here, too. If you want to get married to this man, and he continues to feel differently…I wouldn’t wait a year. *
, but I don’t think that I’d feel all that great about things, if I had to throw a deadline out there, to see if a man wanted to marry me or not. I think that the best relationships just flow…they ebb and flow, but they flow…and while one has to be practical…I think that belovedandbless knows already that she wants to marry this man (from her posts) and that the guy she is dating is not sure. That right there tells me that deadline is more for him, than you, beloved. It is your choice, but that’s just the romantic in me…I find setting deadlines necessary, for things that are a little more sterile. Spending my life with someone–I’d want that person to not need a deadline, and rather we date, and then naturally it unfolds, if we would be right for each other in marriage.That’s just me, though. I lean back on my prior post…that men who can see futures with the women they are dating, don’t need to be prodded and poked…and given deadlines. I would really trust your gut here, too. If you want to get married to this man, and he continues to feel differently…I wouldn’t wait a year. *
S
SarahR
Guest
I would advise that you focus on your relationship with God and discernment. Maybe this guy is not right for you, maybe he is. You are God’s precious daughter and He has a plan for you. Keep your focus on Him.
Hmmmm…not sure about putting someone else on a timetable of your choice…maybe instead, you can keep in mind what you decide is a reasonable timetable, while you keep your eyes WIDE open to the totality of the relationship with this man, the good and the bad, and see where it is in 6 months or whenever. Then it can be your decision after you have seen it develop for a few more months.
He has his own discernment to do as well. Of course he has his good qualities, but make sure you are honest with yourself about those points of his personality or choices that aren’t so great either.
Stay authentic and honest, keep in the state of grace, an active prayer life–especially praying for the gift of Wisdom, and you’ll make good decisions. Good luck!
Hmmmm…not sure about putting someone else on a timetable of your choice…maybe instead, you can keep in mind what you decide is a reasonable timetable, while you keep your eyes WIDE open to the totality of the relationship with this man, the good and the bad, and see where it is in 6 months or whenever. Then it can be your decision after you have seen it develop for a few more months.
He has his own discernment to do as well. Of course he has his good qualities, but make sure you are honest with yourself about those points of his personality or choices that aren’t so great either.
Stay authentic and honest, keep in the state of grace, an active prayer life–especially praying for the gift of Wisdom, and you’ll make good decisions. Good luck!
L
LaLucia
Guest
Hey girl, When a man loves a woman you can see it in their eyes. You can tell they want to be with you forever. Their hearts go pitter patter and so does yours. It feels good to be together and you want to get married when the time is right. That is why men give a gal an engagement ring so they can get to know eachother better and start making plans for their future together. HAS HE GIVEN YOU AN ENGAGEMENT RING YET? He can just give you a tiny stone ring that doesn’t cost much. He could give you a silver ring with no stone that doesn’t cost much. A guy once gave me a ring that only cost $40. I am not a gold digger because love is more important than money. The relationship didn’t work out but I still have that ring and when I wear it… it feels good that the ring was given to me with love. We were not compatiable but we still like eachother as friends.
It doesn’t matter if you are in a cross cultural relationship or you are not American.
There are many cross cultural relationships and marriages in America and in the world.
I wish you good luck and I hope you find the right man for you. PEACE, LaLucia
It doesn’t matter if you are in a cross cultural relationship or you are not American.
There are many cross cultural relationships and marriages in America and in the world.
I wish you good luck and I hope you find the right man for you. PEACE, LaLucia
S
samovila
Guest
Instead of giving you advice, I will tell you my own personal experience. I met my husband in March 2005. In June we decided we would eventually marry. In November we were officially engaged and in June 2006 we were married. We were “in love” and “just knew” that we were right for each other. A couple of months after we were married I started to wonder if we had been hasty in our decision. I wondered if we shouldn’t have spent more time getting to know each other. He seemed like a great Catholic when we were dating, but when it came down to living the teaching of the Church in marriage, not that great. Through the power of the Holy Spirit we are making it as a couple, but I think we faced a lot of problems that were related to us just not knowing each other that well. In summary I just wish I would have known him better and taken more time to consider the committment we were making before we actually married. You have the opportunity now to take some time to do those things and it sounds to me like a year would be good. It may actually be wise that your man wants to take some time to discern whether or not you two are right for each other. I do think it is important that your judgement is not clouded by feelings of lust for one another or enfatuation so in addition to taking a year, taking your relationship down a notch or two would probably also be a good idea. Consider a “courting” approach instead of dating. Best of luck to you.
L
LaLucia
Guest
Hi Samovila, You have given her some great advise. I totally agree with you. LaLucia
C
chevalier
Guest
**Perhaps this is the romantic in me
Yeah, I agree. It should be a more resounding and naturally desired yes. There have been happy marriages originating with a deadline, I guess, so it isn’t a roadblock to happy marriage, but still.
R
Ryzeke
Guest
You are correct in setting boundaries!!! My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of Nov. because of chastity issues. I knew they were there, but we were both succumbing to the temptation. Although I should’ve known better (as ignorance is NO excuse), she never told me ANYthing about how it was bugging HER. We were VERY compatible, and we had were already discussing marriage, kids, future, etc.
I was absolutely crushed by it, but you NEED to set boundaries and he needs to respect them if you guys want a relationship that isn’t based off of just attraction. I deeply regret what happened in my relationship, as she left me to have to figure all this out on my own while she was seeing someone else within a week of the breakup.
I was absolutely crushed by it, but you NEED to set boundaries and he needs to respect them if you guys want a relationship that isn’t based off of just attraction. I deeply regret what happened in my relationship, as she left me to have to figure all this out on my own while she was seeing someone else within a week of the breakup.
B
belovedandbless
Guest
I hear you. That is one of the things I don’t think men realize…how much it can bug us when there are chastity issues involved. Many man compartmentalize things so they can shut off what happened. Women usually can’t, so these issues (I know for me in my case) affect the whole tenor of her life.
T
tampagrl
Guest
(my bold) Totally agree w/this…with one exception…I wouldn’t wait the year, I would move on and allow him to do the same. Peace…***Perhaps this is the romantic in me
That’s just me, though. I lean back on my prior post…that men who can see futures with the women they are dating, don’t need to be prodded and poked…and given deadlines. I would really trust your gut here, too. If you want to get married to this man, and he continues to feel differently…I wouldn’t wait a year.
T
tampagrl
Guest
That’s harsh…
I’m sorry you endured that. Communication on both sides is key in any relationship.
B
belovedandbless
Guest
I was right and I was wrong. He broke it off tonight, saying that he realized after I spoke to him how selfish he was. He basically said that did not have much intentions in changing his plans and that he was selfish to tie me up while he focused on his career and helping out his family. It will take time for me to heal but I am blessed that it happened now. And thnak God that I have a busy life outsdie of him so my life will push me froward even though I feel like shutting down. Thank you for all your advice.
B
beckers
Guest
I just saw this thread…Sorry to hear that things ended.
I wish you the best in your healing.
B
belovedandbless
Guest
Thanks.I simply wish I wasn’t so disillusioned with the Catholic men around me. I feel gypped. You are told as a serious Catholic girl to marry within the faith but the ones who are out there are not stand up guys. They may be in church and in ministry but put them in a relationship with a woman and it’s a whole different story. I wish I knew where to go from here…
R
Ryzeke
Guest
Ya. It’s been pretty hard for both of us, but she has the shoulder of this new guy to lean and cry on for it. However, because of the breakup, I’ve been lead to convert to Catholic.That’s harsh…
I’m sorry you endured that. Communication on both sides is key in any relationship.
But the more I learn about the Church, the more I start to hurt because I see what I’ve done to the relationship. =(
But ya, boundaries. We didn’t have any, and we definitely should’ve. =(
- Status